Solid Frodo: Hobbit Espionage Action

Chapter 19: Terminal Velocity, Hobbit Style

The Hobbits were all nearly in shock. Sam and Frodo had both rappelled before...once...down a far shorter escarpment on the Emyn Muil...and while that had been quite frightening in its own right, what with Nazgûl soaring about blinding Frodo and all, this was for reasons not only obvious but also numerous, very loud, and threatening to poke irreparable holes in them, much worse.

Bullets raked across the area where the four Hobbits huddled, pounding into the metal wall of the tower and leaving dents. It would not do at all to be hit by one of those. Sam could hear Pippin, one Hobbit above him, calling on all the names of every Valar he had ever heard of and even several Maiar. Hobbits weren’t particularly religious creatures, but there was an old saying in Kuduk that went "There are no atheists in a landslide." Perhaps this saying would be different in different worlds, but one must remember that Hobbits commonly and customarily lived in smials dug into the sides of hills—a landslide could mean the destruction of all a Hobbit’s worldly possessions, and Manwë save them if a Hobbit was INSIDE during a landslide.

Apparently there were no atheists on ropes dangling hundreds of feet from solid ground with bullets falling like hail either.

Sam called up to the other three Hobbits, saying, "Look, we got to get down this and fast." Merry nodded, not looking down, while Pippin had finished down the line of Maiar he knew (one couldn’t be certain, but Sam thought Pippin had even included Sauron and Saruman in his list) and started calling on Elves in his fear.

Merry looked up at Pippin and shouted, "Glorfindel can’t help us you silly Took!"

Frodo made a noise that was probably a curse, but there was no way to be certain.

Shaking his head, Sam said, "Put your feet against the wall and...and...er...walk down...kinda." Sam did this; Frodo already had. "See, look at Mr. Frodo."

Merry looked up at Frodo and copied him, although it clearly distressed him to take his feet off the rope. When Pippin had reached Haldir in his list, Merry poked him sharply on the tail end and said, "Cut it out Pippin! Look at what Frodo did with his feet."

Pippin stopped rambling off names and looked at Frodo, then, with great care he also set his feet on the side of the tower. Then he began calling on Elves again, and it sounded like he was dangerously close to starting in on Men.

"Just like that!" Sam said. "Now walk!"

So the Hobbits started slowly walking down the wall. Sam was reasonably fast, having done this before, but Merry and Pippin caught on quickly, being younger Hobbits more apt to pick up new tricks.

But then a loud, rushing wind came up, snatching at their Elf cloaks and forcing them to walk a little sideways. The wind was joined by Liquid Snake shouting threats and firing a rain of bullets.

"AGH!" Merry cried, and suddenly he started to fall, but caught onto the rope before he knocked Sam off.

"What’s wrong?" Pippin said from above, hazarding a glance downward. Merry said nothing, but Pippin could tell one of the bullets had hit him. "SAM! Walking is too slow! We’ll be turned into Beorning Cheese if we don’t get down faster!"

"What do you think we should oughta do?!" Sam replied, agreeing wholeheartedly but not knowing what to do.

"Um...um...we have gloves...couldn’t we...um...slide part of the way down?" Pippin suggested.

Frodo croaked something, and the Hobbits looked up to see him nodding. Another round of bullets passed by, and the lower Hobbits saw Frodo jerk and then watched as a bullet bounced off his back and tumble to the ground. They didn’t hear it when it hit the ground. If it hit the ground...

"OK," Sam said, not in the least bit pleased with the new plan but agreeing it was the best they could do. "So...we...well, I guess we should all jump?"

It was agreed, and Pippin called out a short count and then they all jumped away from the building and loosened their grip on the rope. They all slid down for quite a way, and if swift vertical movement in an elevator was disorienting, this was worse. Plus it made their gloves hot. Fortunately for their continued ability to keep their fingers attached to their bodies, the slide couldn’t be continued all the way down, for they reached the apex of their collective jump and returned to the wall. All the Hobbits except Merry put their feet out to catch themselves. Merry instead slammed into the wall and kept sliding until he was practically sitting on Sam.

Thinking quickly, Sam wrapped his legs around the rope and excused one hand from its death grip so he could get a Ration out of Merry’s all-too-close pocket. Then he fumbled it open with one hand and his teeth, and promptly stuffed the tasteless waybread into Merry’s mouth. Merry was taken by surprise, but luckily didn’t let the Ration fall out of his mouth. He started eating it just holding it with his teeth, and fortunately the Ration was of a consistency that he could manage that without it crumbling or dropping bits into Sam’s face.

Another hail of gunfire prompted the Hobbits to move again, the top two Hobbits jumping and sliding, while the bottom two just slid when the leap took them far enough away from the tower wall. This time, when they got back to the wall, Merry was feeling well enough to put his feet out to catch himself.

Sam glanced down. "I think only two more jumps will do it!" he shouted happily, although to tell the absolute truth, he was very displeased with the size of their landing. It was, however, directly below them. This time, without having to wait for Liquid Snake to shoot at them, the Hobbits all jumped again and slid down the rope. They were getting better at it, and their gloves didn’t seem to be getting as hot.

When they came back to rest against the tower, there was a problem. Somehow Frodo had landed a foot smack dab on top of a very unexpected spout of steam. To the knowledge of the average Hobbit, and also to the not at all average Hobbit like Frodo, walls didn’t spit out steam like a whistling teapot. But there it was, no mistake—and it HURT. It took a surprisingly long time for this fact to register in Frodo’s brain, but once it did, he cried out and let go of the rope in shock.

Shortly the three Hobbits below Frodo found themselves being forced down the rope at an accelerated rate, the rate gaining as each Hobbit was dislodged until all four of them were in a barely controlled free fall. Three Hobbits managed to hold onto the rope, though no one was certain how Pippin managed that with Frodo on top of him, and they all banged their (happily protected) knees against the wall as they slid the rest of the way down the rope. Then the rope ended and they fell into an undignified heap on the small landing. Sam got the worst of it, being on the bottom of the pile.

It took a lot longer to untangle themselves than they would have liked—all of their gloves had become quite hot in the last slide, Frodo’s foot was hurting, and all of them were in a terrific panic about falling so far. If they had been calm, they might have managed faster, but all things considered, they were doing quite well not to have fainted dead away. Perhaps the fact that they were all hurting in one way or another took their minds off the fact that the landing was very small and if they had missed they would be dead.

Eventually they managed to extricate themselves, Sam bellowing for the other Hobbits to stop stepping, kicking, kneeing, and elbowing him on their way off. As soon as all the Hobbits were free, they yanked off their hot gloves with their teeth and stuck their hands on the cold metal in an attempt to cool them down, and Frodo hopped one footed over to a very small pile of snow in a corner and promptly embedded his sore foot in it.

Again, the nature of Hobbit extremities saved them from too much harm—Hobbit hands were nearly as immune to the elements as Hobbit feet, so the only real burn any of them got was Frodo, who was leaning against the tower wall and affecting a very good impression of a sulking Hobbit.

Shortly the three hot-handed Hobbits had cooled their fingers down enough to replace their gloves, and they took stock of their surroundings. Sam and Pippin looked Merry over, but wherever the flying metal dragon’s bullet breath had hit him, it was healed now and they couldn’t find it. Then they all went over to Frodo, and Merry produced a Ration for him, which he ate sulkily.

"Frodo, you are becoming much too good at that," Merry said.

Frodo just grumped as he ate.

"Why don’t you give him a sound noogie?" Pippin asked Merry, crossing his arms over his chest.

"He wouldn’t appreciate it as much as you," Merry replied sweetly.

Pippin gaped. "Appreciate it?!" He worked his jaw for a few moments, but couldn’t come up with any suitable response. So he settled for narrowing his eyes and snubbing his nose at his cousin.

Once he was finished eating, Frodo took a peek at the bottom of his foot, then tested it on the ground. After he was satisfied that his foot was healed, he retrieved his pen and paper and wrote something on it that made Merry huff and puff and generally look mightily insulted.

"Well you are, Frodo. If there were contests, you could win hands down the top prize for ‘Most Broodingest Hobbit Ever’." Merry didn’t even have to look to know that Sam was giving him a very unpleasant glare.

Frodo frowned, but changed the subject by walking up to the door that led to the walkway and knocking on it.

"Oh...," Pippin said, taking a closer look at the door. "This is the door that Otacon said could only be opened from the outside."

Frodo pantomimed attaching some C-4 to it and then made a ‘boom’ motion with his hands.

"Well, I suppose, though I don’t see why we should," Pippin said as he pulled a block of the plastique explosive from one of his pockets.

"We might need to go back," Sam supplied.

"I was rather hoping that the rest of what we needed would be conveniently scattered nearby," Pippin answered quietly as he placed the C-4. "I don’t really feel like tracking all the way back to the front of this fortress to get a napkin if we happen to need one."

"I’m mighty sick of Wargs myself," Sam said, "but you never can tell."

"Well, back up everyone. I’m gonna set it off." Pippin shooed everyone away and with an anticipatory wince, detonated the C-4. The door creaked, and after the smoke cleared, Pippin went up to it. It opened nicely, though it sounded like it was grinding on its hinges...or whatever doors like this had in place of hinges.

After that, the Hobbits looked around a bit, and Merry picked up another Ration. Then he started down the walkway, but Sam stopped him. "I got a feelin’ it might be watched." Merry nodded and stepped back, allowing Sam an unobstructed view. Using his Scope, Sam looked at the far side of the walkway and spotted three guards milling around. He put the Scope away and said, "I’m surprised they didn’t hear us."

"I hesitate to say so," Pippin said with a pointed look at Merry and Frodo, "but these guards haven’t been noted for their vast intelligence."

Merry looked like innocence wrongfully charged. "Why hesitate, Cousin Pippin?"

"Oh you know very well why Meriadoc Brandybuck! Not one word goes out of my mouth but you and Frodo don’t throw it back in my face!"

Frodo shrugged and pointed at his throat.

"You know you would have if you could Frodo!" Pippin shouted. Frodo shrugged again, blatantly pleading innocence in the matter. Pippin slumped. "I just can’t win with you two. There’s nothing you horrible, horrible Hobbits won’t do to make fun of me."

Sam glanced back at Pippin. "Well...from where I stand, I see a pretty even give and take."

"Bleh," Pippin grumped. "Frodo doesn’t even have to say anything and he’s taking pot shots at me."

"It’s not his fault you’re an easy mark, Mr. Pippin."

"OH NOT YOU TOO!!"

Sam turned away, and Pippin just caught the edge of a devious grin. "I’m just doin’ what Mr. Merry suggested, picking up Mr. Frodo’s slack."

"AGH!" Pippin howled. "Frodo doesn’t need his slack picked up, thankyouverymuch Samwise!" Pippin suddenly found himself surrounded by Hobbits giggling. "I just can’t win!" he moaned.

"Why don’t we worry about the brain dead guards over there instead of our brain dead colleague?" Merry suggested, pointing toward the three guards who still hadn’t reacted to the shouting.

"WHY YOU!" Pippin started, then pounced on Merry, dragging him down into a bit of a wrestling match. Frodo and Sam moved away, allowing Pippin and Merry to duke it out for a moment. The general consensus amongst Frodo and Sam was that Merry was asking for it.

The two dueling Hobbits rolled around on the ground for a while, and various and sundry "ows" and "cut it outs" escaped the scuffle, until finally it looked like Pippin had Merry pinned and was rubbing his knuckles into Merry’s straight hair. "I’ll give you ‘appreciate it’ you villain!" Pippin huffed whilst administering a very harsh noogie.

"Ow! Ow! If you don’t stop it right now Pippin I’m not sharing my pipeweed with you ever again!" Merry cried, squirming in an attempt to free himself of Pippin’s hold.

Pippin was enough of a fan of pipeweed for this to be a legitimate threat, so he let Merry go. But, as family and best friends were wont to do, as soon as they were done glaring at each other, they started laughing about the whole thing.

Sam just shook his head at the two younger Hobbits while Frodo made a noise that was probably a laugh. Then they helped Merry and Pippin up, and after the two had dusted themselves off, Frodo wrote, ‘We should take care of those guards like Merry said.’

"That’s right, Cousin Frodo," Merry said, attempting to put his hair back into place. Sam briefly considered helping...and adding a few braids, but decided against it.

"So how do we deal with them?" Sam asked instead.

"We could try the PSG-1," Merry suggested.

"Oh no! If you try that, Merry, you might decide you could fly or something," Pippin stated, referring to Merry’s reaction to Valium.

Merry glared back at Pippin. "I do have my pipeweed."

"We could try the Nikita," Sam said. "It should work just as well, and none of us need to take anything to use it."

Frodo nodded, so Pippin pulled the Nikita out of his pocket and he and Merry held it so Sam could aim the missiles. It took three shots, one for each guard, and when they were done, Sam looked decidedly the wrong color for a Hobbit.

‘What’s wrong?’ Frodo wrote.

"Um...next time let’s use the sniper rifle," he said. "It’s not as messy." And that’s all he would say on the matter.

Pippin put the Nikita away and said, "Shall we go now?"

The other Hobbits nodded, and they walked across, Sam getting more and more nervous as they reached a turn in the walkway, apparently expecting to see the guards he’d blown to Angband and back, but he was very relieved to find no trace of them, not even blood. The other Hobbits thought this rather odd, but said nothing, thinking that all things considered, they would rather dead guards just mysteriously disappear rather than force them to walk through them like in that hallway in front of Otacon’s office.

As soon as they turned the corner, they heard the whirling blades of Liquid Snake’s metal dragon, and all four Hobbits ran as fast as they could to the next tower, dodging the strafing bullets Liquid sent their way.

Pippin and Merry were much faster than Frodo and Sam, which gave Liquid two targets to shoot at instead of one. Judging by Liquid’s cursing, this made him mad.

Despite all the bullets shot at them, Merry dashed to the side to scoop up a Ration, and Sam and Frodo made it to the next landing safely. The four threw caution to the wind and ran into the second tower without thinking.

They were fortunate, as they found themselves in an eyeless room with no guards. All four roughly sat, breathing hard. They decided unanimously and without words to take a short break for a snack, and Merry shared out his newest Ration, complete with some ketchup on each slice.

While the Hobbits ate in relative safety, Pippin glanced around and found a very large item box. His mouth full of Ration, he crawled over to it and pulled it out from behind some boxes. When he opened it, he barely managed not to spit his Ration all over the newfound weapon.

Merry, Sam, and Frodo saw his reaction and moved around to get a look at whatever was in the box. They all gasped: it was huge, longer than even Merry and Pippin were tall.

Pippin used the tengwar chart the Hobbits and Otacon had made to work out what it said on the side. "Stinger," he said quietly.

Sam pulled up another box and opened it, revealing what must be Stinger ammunition. Each round was nearly the size of his forearm. "I’ll bet it stings all right."

"Oh dear," Pippin worried. "What could we need this for?! And you know we’ll need it!"

Go on to Chapter 20