Solid Frodo: Hobbit Espionage Action

A Lord of the Rings – Metal Gear Solid Crossover

By Princess Artemis

This is mostly humorous, simply due to absurdity and the general proclivities of Hobbits, but it is very serious in a few places: this is not a silly bit of humor. Note this is from the Hobbits’ point of view, so liberties have been taken with the MGS plot. Because of the POV, enjoyment would be enhanced by familiarity with J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings and related mythos...the books, people, the books.

Notes: FA-MAS = ~2’5"

PSG1 = 4’, no kickback

SOCOM = 10" no suppresser.

Stinger = 5’

Chapter 1: Snake in the Hole, Hobbits in Hell

Just exactly how the Hobbit, not diminutive at all by the standards of his race, but quite quite short by the standards of Colonel Roy Campbell, ended up in the cold Forodwaith of some strange place and time he couldn’t quite guess.

Nevertheless, here he was, with his friends Samwise Gamgee, Peregrin Took, and Meriadoc Brandybuck (these last two were quite large by Hobbit standards), all the same. Why he was here, he, one Frodo Baggins, couldn’t quite put together either.

When he looked up at this Big Person that called himself Colonel Roy Campbell, he could see that Hobbits were not perhaps his first choice for whatever it was he intended to do with them. Colonel Campbell sighed to himself and returned Frodo’s look. "Well, we have to make do with what we get. We just couldn’t roust Snake out of his hole...I’m not sure exactly how he managed to avoid us when we napalmed his house...but that’s meaningless now. I have a mission for you four...dwarves."

Merry spoke up rather loudly, "We are not Dwarves, thankyouverymuch!"

Pippin agreed just as swiftly. "We’re HOBBITS, mind you, Hobbits, not dwarves nor midgets nor short Big People."

Colonel Campbell sat down and wiped his forehead with a sigh. He looked over the four rather short people and sighed again. They were all shoeless—their feet covered in what could have been fur slippers if their toes weren’t clearly showing, all girt with swords, and all wore cloaks that seemed to blend into the surroundings. After a third sigh, Campbell muttered something about how the Pentagon must be on an absolute shoestring budget to lend him...Hobbits...to send on what should have been a one man infiltration mission conducted by the master of same, Solid Snake.

"So. Can you four...Hobbits...manage to sneak past genetically improved guards armed to the teeth and rescue two hostages?"

Sam spoke this time. "There’s nothing like a Hobbit for being stealthy and quiet, you know. ‘Cept for maybe Elves, Elves are mighty sneaky when they want to be, but us Hobbits can walk through woods without makin’ a sound or even leavin’ a trail, Mister Colonel Sir."

Colonel Campbell shrugged. It wasn’t as if he had a choice in the matter. "OK, then, we’ll outfit you all with Sneaking Suits, nanomachines, and Codecs. I’m counting on you to rescue the DARPA Chief Donald Anderson and the ArmsTech President Kenneth Baker, as well as ascertain whether or not the terrorists have the capacity to make a nuclear strike."

"A who in the what now?" Pippin asked, quite confused. So far, Frodo hadn’t spoken yet; he merely fingered something round, gold, and very ring-like in the pocket of his jacket.

Campbell sighed yet again. Snake could be hard to deal with, but these guys were clueless! "You don’t know what a nuke is...?" he asked, incredulously. Where had these guys been for the last fifty years?

"No, sir, can’t say that I do," Sam answered.

Colonel Campbell asked aloud this time his previous thought.

"Generally wandering about The Shire," Merry answered. "Though lately we’ve been on a quest of sorts."

Campbell waved this off, deciding he didn’t feel like thinking about it at the moment. "Well, just...go find out if the terrorists can launch a nuke, OK?"

Finally, Frodo spoke up. "If we do, will that get us any closer to Mount Doom?" He fiddled some more with the object in his pocket.

Another sigh. "Yes, yes," Campbell spluttered, just to get the question out of the way without having to think about it. "If they do launch a nuke as they’ve threatened, I’m certain your Mount Doom will be obliterated."

Gasps all around came from the Hobbits. "Well, I guess we must then, mustn’t we," Pippin commented, not sounding altogether happy about it, what with all this talk about things he was sure even Gandalf wouldn’t know about.

"OK, that’s settled. I’m bringing in Doctor Naomi Hunter to get you your Suits and to inject the nanomachines and fit you with Codecs." At that, a Big Person woman walked in, very business-like. Her eyes widened for a moment then she turned a strange glance on the Colonel.

"This...these...aren’t Snake," she said, somewhat surprised.

"I know. We couldn’t get him, so...well...we’re stuck with these guys. We’ll have to make some extra small Sneaking Suits."

Naomi muttered something about FOXDIE and revenge, but even the Hobbits’ sharp ears couldn’t catch all of it, even if they could have understood half of it. She stomped back out of the room, then a short while later stomped back in, carrying suits and some medical equipment. Then she grabbed Frodo and started undressing him in a rather quick and altogether mean sort of way.

"Hey hey HEY!" Frodo complained, not like being Hobbit-handled in such a fashion at all, and the other Hobbits quickly began running willy-nilly around the room trying to find somewhere to hide, knowing for certain one of them was next. All except Sam...he stood and brandished his short Westernesse blade threateningly. "You better keep your hands off my master!" he shouted. It took all of Frodo’s willpower to both wave off Sam and not to put on the Ring and squirm out of this apparent she-devil’s grasp, but he did manage to keep hold of it as she roughly dressed him in the Sneaking Suit. She didn’t seem to react at all to his fine coat of mithril ringmail when she stripped it off. Sam stood down, but not happily. For a second there, Frodo thought she was done, but no, she STABBED HIM!

"OW!! What was that for?!" he cried, and the other two Hobbits cowered in their corners, nooks, and crannies while Sam whipped out his blade again. But instead of answering, she shoved something in Frodo’s ear.

"There. Now for you," Naomi said as she reached out and grabbed Sam. She almost got a facefull of Númenorean dagger, but somehow Frodo wrestled the blade out of Sam’s hands.

"I’m sorry, Sam, but I think we should do as these people say...we’ll get our quest over faster that way."

Sam still protested loudly. He shouted at Naomi, "You ain’t my Rosie and I don’t think you need to oughta be harassing me like this!" But Naomi was bigger, and quickly got her business of stripping, stabbing, and shoving things in Sam’s ear finished.

"Now for the other two." Naomi actually had a great deal of difficulty finding the other Hobbits while Frodo and Sam nursed their wounds, both physical and those pertaining to their dignity.

Nevertheless, space was cramped, and she eventually found them all and gave them all similarly rough and modesty-ignoring treatment. Somehow Merry managed to keep hold of his pipe and pouch of pipeweed, Sam was near tears, and Pippin was pulling at the back of the tight-fitting Sneaking Suit.

"Do you have any idea how these things ride up on one? It’s most uncomfortable," he griped.

After Merry stowed his pipe, he examined the Suit. "Well, yes, it does seem to pinch a bit, but look, it’s almost as nice as Elven cloaks for looking like a shadow."

"I think we should keep our cloaks all the same," Pippin replied. "Remember how Strider, Legolas, and Gimli hid in broad daylight in them? I’m sure that’ll be better than this horrid thing."

Sam looked at the boots in extreme distaste. "Look, I’m not wearing shoes, no matter what," and with that, he yanked the boots off his furry Hobbit feet.

Both Dr. Hunter and Colonel Campbell were quite surprised when the other three Hobbits followed suit. Frodo explained, "We can’t sneak about in boots, you know. They’re so loud." After a moment, he asked, "Now what was that you stabbed me with? It didn’t hurt nearly as bad as that Morgul knife, but I’d still like an explanation, all the same." The other Hobbits all nodded, while Sam scratched at his ear.

Dr. Hunter didn’t seem too disposed to chatting, as she quickly left the room, still growling about FOXDIE and the distinct lack of Solid Snakes. That left the explaining to Campbell. "Well...the syringes had nanomachines, which will keep you safe in the freezing water you’re all about to swim through—,"

"SWIM!?" Sam cried, and nearly fainted.

Campbell continued undaunted, "And they will keep you nourished and slow your digestion so you don’t have to eat—,"

"WHAT?! NO FOOD?!" Merry and Pippin shouted in unison. Frodo shuddered slightly, but he was better used to going without the usual Hobbit’s six meals a day than the other two. Sam was still too busy struggling with the swimming part to even notice.

"They will also keep scrupulous track of your health and relay all the important information back to us. And they’ll keep your Codecs up and running, as well as help us show you your position on the Soliton Radar. I think the explanation of that will be easier when you get on site."

Pippin gathered up the Elven cloaks and their daggers that Naomi had left behind in her hasty retreat while Merry looked up at the Colonel. "Now, I’m a Brandybuck, and Brandybucks aren’t scared of water like most Hobbits, and I can swim a bit, but what about them? I know Sam can’t swim."

"Uh...," Roy Campbell floundered for a bit. "Well...for most of the way you’ll have a Swimmer Delivery Vehicle, and SCUBA gear, but...er...."

Not bothering to try to figure out what SCUBA meant, Frodo suggested, "I suppose we could all cling to Merry. But how shall we do that and not drown?"

Colonel sighed for the umpteenth time. "That’s what SCUBA gear is for. It allows you to breathe underwater."

"Ooooohhh," Sam breathed, a little excited. "That must be Elf magic there!" The idea of getting to use a little Elf magic made the prospect of being underwater a little easier for him to deal with.

"Uh...er....yes, yes, that’s right," Campbell lied, seeing as how the explanation made Sam feel better.

"Well, if we’re gonna be underwater," Pippin said with a shudder, "I think we should stick our cloaks in one of these many many many pockets we seem to have even though these blasted suits are so very tight...and it looks like she left your coat, Frodo."

"Good idea," Frodo said, taking his cloak and wrapping it up as tightly as it would, which was very tightly indeed, the cloak being Elvish in nature. Then he stowed it in a pocket, and the other Hobbits did the same. Somehow they all also managed to store their Númenorean blades and Frodo’s Sting in their pockets, even though there really weren’t any pockets big enough to store them in.

"It’s called Inventory," Colonel Campbell explained. The Hobbits were totally blank on that, so he didn’t explain further.

"Um," Frodo muttered a little, holding his mithril coat, "Do you mind, um, turning around so I can put this back on?"

Pippin gave him a strange look. "It’s not like we aren’t all men here."

"Look, I was just stripped by a she-demon and I just feel like I want a little PRIVACY, OK?!" Frodo shouted.

"OK, OK, no need to have a fit about it," Pippin complained while he turned around. The others did as well, though Roy Campbell was the last and did so with a sigh. They all heard Frodo muttering and grumbling about the Sneaking Suit seeming to have no way out, but after a little while, he was finished and said so.

Finally, Roy Campbell squared his shoulders and said, "It’s time to go. I think you’ll all fit in the SDV. Come along." With that, he herded the four Hobbits into a small torpedo shaped device and they crammed themselves in, all clinging to Merry.

Go on to Chapter 2