A Final Pokemon Solid Christmas
by CAM
Snow flakes fell upon the snow blanketed Rocket Town. In the place of Rocket Town's namesake rocket was a large Christmas tree covered from top to bottom in lights and ornaments. At the Highwind residence the lights were adding a merry effect to the scenery and smoke billowed out of the chimney. Cid Highwind stood on a ladder using a staple gun to attatch some lights to the top of the house, while Shera below shoveled snow off the drive way.
"@#$%$#@!" Cid cursed as he shot himself in the hand again with the staple gun,"Hey Shera! Can't you work faster? You shovel snow slower than molasses on a cold day!"
"You know what I want for Christmas," Shera replied.
"What!?"
"For you to shovel the snow!" Shera thrust the shovel into Cid's hands, causing him to tumble backwards and fall into the snow.
"But I'm putting decorations up in this dump!" Shera ignored Cid's pleas and stormed inside. "And I'll miss the Dukes of Hazard Christmas Special!" Cid's protests were met with silence. A steady stream of profanity flowed from Cid's mouth as he shoveled the driveway.
Inside the Highwind house everything was decorated for Christmas and the FPS Agent Christmas party. The plan was for all the veteran agents to stay there for Christmas Eve that's why every agent had a stocking lined up in front of the fireplace.
Shera was preparing the christmas dinner, Princess Artemis was drinking a cup of Ultimate Tea with Medina, Benit was running a makeshift version of Fox's Den in Shera's kitchen, and The Captain was sleeping on the couch. Shera put the turkey in the oven, and some tea on the stove.
"Now Captain," Shera instructed,"Don't let the house burn down while I'm gone Christmas shopping." The Captain snored in reply.
"Your leaving?" Princess Artemis asked.
"Yeah someone needs to do the shopping before dark," Shera replied,"Besides CAM, ROCKSLIDE, BrandonTCA, Gray Fox, Blues, Tonamel, Phantom Ghost, Axer, Aya, Cait Sith, and Jimi haven't arrived yet."
"I wouldn't count on Aya showing up," Benit replied,"She'll probably die on the way."
"Well Gray Fox, Jimi, and Blues haven't been seen for months," Medina replied.
"Hey why don't we go with you," Princess Artemis suggested,"The Captain is not real talkative right now." The Captain snored in reply.
"Sure. The more the merrier."
******
Meanwhile at Santa's Workship at the Northern Crater, Santa was recieving some visitors.
"Santa their a boy with a yellow rat here to you Santa," an elf reported.
"Ho ho ho!" Santa replied and pulled a pistol off the counter,"I'll handle this." Santa stepped outside to see Ash Ketchum and Pikachu standing in front of a Poke Beetle.
"Ho ho ho! What are you doing here Ketchum!?" Santa demanded keeping his gun affixed on Ash.
"I'm just here to sell Pikachu plushies," Ash replied,"Honest. Want to buy one?"
"Pika pi!"
"Ho ho ho! I won't have anything to do with you Ash. Your on the naughty list...."
"I'm not the one you need to worry about," Ash replied with a smirk,"Behind you." Santa spun around to see an odd shape in the shadows, he raised his gun to fire, but two red eyes flashed at him. Santa began to have a seizure.
*****
A strong northern breeze blew by Billy's orphanage. The building was covered in snow, and the children that were playing outside are now frozen to their swing sets. Billy, Primera, and Jesse stepped out of the building.
"Are you sure we should leave the kids alone like this?" Jesse asked.
"They'll be fine," Billy replied,"We left them alone pratically for all of Xenogears."
"......" Primera replied.
"sssssccr...rrrreeewwwyyy....oouuubiillllyyy...." a small child frozen to a see-saw shivered. Billy ignored him, and continued walking into the Yggdarsil for the Xenogears Sophiamas party.
Jesse and Primera followed him into the bar room. The Fatima brothers were getting plastered by whiskey at the bar provided by Maison; Chu-Chu was being as annoying as ever to the amusement of Margie; Dan, Midori, and Maria were playing with miscalleneous Pokemon merchandise while Yui watched over them; Shitan and Rico (now Enrico Sauve) played chess; Emeralda practiced her circus freak act; and Elly was playing PaDubba the Dubber.
Jesse broke from the group and over to the bar. "You're drinking!" Jesse scolded," And without me! Hit me Alfred."
"My name is Maison," Maison reminded and handed Jesse a shot of whiskey.
Primera wandered over to play with Maria, Midori, and Dan.
"......." Primera announced.
"......." Midori replied.
"......." Primera added.
"......." Midori agreed.
"......" Primera suggested.
"Boy Prim and Midori are really hitting it off," Shitan observed. Billy decided to go see what Elly was up to.
"Dammit," Elly cursed as the game announced "You dubbin' awful." No matter how Elly tried whenever she said something her lips would move with no sound followed by sound, and usually she couldn't get her lips to stop moving after the end of the sentace. "This game sucks."
"Do you guys have Duke Nukem, Doom, Syphron Filter, Wel Hunter, or some kind of first person shooter for your Playstation?" Billy asked.
"Um, no," Elly replied,"But we've got Xenogears Solid: VR Missions. Now you guide Solid Fei through 300 virtual reality training levels."
"No thanks," Billy said,"Where is Fei anyway?"
"I don't know," Elly replied,"Maybe you should ask Shitan."
Billy approached Shitan and asked "Where's Fei?"
"He's getting ready to do his usual Santa Claus act," Shitan adjusted his glasses,"Checkmate."
"What!?" Enrico Sauve bellowed and smashed the chess board.
"Oh, well tell him I said hi," Billy,"I've got to catch a flight, I'm going to meet a friend whose been dead for several years."
"Dead?" Shitan asked,"Plot contrivance?" Billy nodded as he walked out of the room.
"Ho ho ho!" Fei announced as he paraded in dressed as Santa Claus with a bag full of toys over his shoulder.
"Fei," Shitan started,"Do not tell me that you have a new personality: Santa Claus."
"New personality!? I didn't know!" Fei then heard a ring in his ear, and grabbed both sides of his head. Of course the sound was actually his Codec which he never quite managed to get out of his ear.
"Um, Fei I was only joking."
"Nooooooo!!!!!"
"I think Fei had a complete relapse...."
"Chu-chu!" Bart scolded,"Look at the mess you made! Alfred, erm, Maison get the pooper scooper!"
********
Santa wobbled into the assembly line where all the elves worked.
"ho hO Ho!" Santa laughed,"i'Ve GoTTa rEviSEd liSt fOR YoU aLL." Santa handed a list to the elf foreman. It stated the all the good little boys and girls were to recieve a Pikachu plushie. Santa walked back into his office.
"That's absurd!" the elf foreman replied.
"I refuse to make Pikachu plushies!" one elf cried.
"Let's revolt," another called.
"Let's unionize!"
Rudolph sulked into Santa's office.
"Santa?" he asked.
"yEs," Santa replied.
"The elves are revolting."
"yEs, i KnoW tHaT, BuT tHeY mAKe aLL tHe ToYs fOr thE GoOD bOyS AnD GiRLs."
"No I mean they are rebelling," Rudolph said,"Plus their trying to unionize."
Santa lowered his eyes. "cAlL iN sOmE STrikE BreAKErs....aND BRinG mE a DIEt pEpSI!"
******
Snow billowed through RockeT CanyoN, Mothmen slave labor scurried about erecting a monolithic Christmas tree in the center of townsquare. Inside the notorious building known to the inhabitants as the ROCKSLIDE Mansion, CAM tioled with an update for RockeT CanyoN, BrandonTCA sipped some hot chocolate, Alys complained about how cold it was, D said nothing at all, Pikafoo' and Bob were in a very indepth conversation...about whatever Pokemon talk about, Agent1469 said nothing, and Mr.T watched some old episodes of A-Team.
"Aw screw it," CAM announced,"Let's just head over to Rocket Town. I'll update tommorrow."
"But you always say that," Celes protested as she walked in with some more hot chocolate,"And you never do."
"Quiet you."
CAM, BrandonTCA, Bob, and the rest of ROCKSLIDE grabbed their winter coats and walked outside.
"Its even colder out here," Alys complained.
"The cold will put hair on your chest," CAM replied.
"But I'm a girl."
"That's just my answer to everything."
"Are is I, Bordam Daravon!" Daravon said seeming to come out of no where,"Long times hankercheif!"
"What are you doing here Daravon?" Alys asked.
"Ulgent news for me," Daravon replied. Alys blinked.
"He's got urgent news for us," CAM translated.
"A loser is you intelligence of high rishs to see you," Daravon said.
"We suck, High Intelligence wants to see us." The other ROCKSLIDE members moaned in reply.
"Ha ha!" BrandonTCA replied,"I don't work for ROCKSLIDE." BrandonTCA and Bob the Pikachu ran towards the train headed for Rocket Town for the holiday season. More muttering from ROCKSlIDE followed.
*******
Snow fell on the Cathedral of Cactuar and went in through the holes in the ceiling. Huddled inside were the Amish Vomit Keg around a small fire inside a trash can.
"This sucks...." NC81 shivered.
It's frickin' freezing in here," Dr. Mayhem complained,"and look what happened to Mr. Bigglesworth." Dr. Mayhem gestured at the frozen hairless cat.
"What are you complaining about," NC81 complained,"Femme bot suits have very little insulation." Mini-Cactuar whimpered. "I bet you don't like the fact you retain water now."
"Poor Mini-Cactuar......We'll make those Agents pay!" Dr. Mayhem exclaimed,"And make them live in the dark cold like us." Dr. Mayhem smirked and brought his pinky to his mouth, only for it to be frozen to his face. "What!? @#$%$#@!"
******
Benit, Princess Artemis, Medina, and Shera were walking through their local Wal*Mart Superstore looking for things to buy for their friends. The agents had earlier pooled their money together to buy Christmas presents.
"This looks perfect for Cid," Shera gestured at a Dukes of Hazard Christmas Special video and then put it in the cart.
"And here's something for Gray Fox," Medina said gesturing at a copy of A Very Jimi Hendrix Christmas CD. "Even if he has disappeared." Medina put the CD in the cart.
"Oh this looks like something CAM would like," Benit said gesturing at a copy of Xenogears Solid: Vr Missions,"Now you guide Solid Fei through 300 virtual reality levels." Benit put a copy of Xenogears Solid: Vr Missions in the cart.
"This looks like something for BrandonTCA," Princess Artemis suggested while handling a Gilgamesh (The Man) Action Figure and then put it in the cart. Shera marked the last four names off the list. "Now where are the checkout lines?" The four looked around, and none could be found.
******
Four figures hid in the bushes outside of the Highwind residence. One of them peered inside the window. Shera, Benit, Princess Artemis, and Medina were gone. Outside Cid Highwind stop shoveling snow and disappeared, presumably to go out back and smoke. The only person left was The Captain who was asleep on the couch. Another shadowy figure placed a package in front of the door, and then all four stalked across the street.
*****
CAM, Agent1469, Mr.T, D, Alys, Celes, and Pikafoo' where sitting in High Intelligence's office.
"What's this all about?" CAM asked,"I hope this is about a Christmas bonus."
"@#$%@$#%! I already @#$%ing told I wasn't giving you no @#$%ing Christmas bonus!" High Intelligence barked,"I've got a job for you." ROCKSLIDE moaned.
"I pity the foo' who works on Christmas!" Mr. T exclaimed.
"D and I's special Christmas fee is 30,000 mesata," Alys added.
"Your mission which you have no choice but to accept," High Intelligence said and lit up a cigarette,"Is to go to Santa's Workshop and prevent the elves from unionizing. If they unionize Santa can't bring presents to all the good little boys and girls in the world."
ROCKSLIDE grumbled and dragged their feet to Mr.T's GMC 1982 Custom Van.
"I love my job," High Intelligence said and puffed on his cigarette.
*****
The Captain awoke from hearing some noise outside. The Captain opened the door to investigate. On his front porch was a Christmas present. The Captain examined the tag, it read "To: The Captain From: Name Withheld Open Now." So The Captain picked up the present and started opening it. Axer walked through the door.
"Hey Cap," Axer greeted,"Whatcha got there?"
"Someone sent me a Christmas present," The Captain said still intent with opening his present. Axer heard something ticking, and it was coming from The Captain's present.
"Hey presents don't tick!" Axer exclaimed,"Unless their clocks."
"Huh?" The Captain replied trying to open the present.
"Nooooooooo!!!!!" Axer exclaimed and in slow motion he kicked the present out the window.
******
Aya Brea was walking down the street towards Cid's house. When suddenly a mutated Albino alligator burst from under the manhole that Aya was standing on throwing her back.
"They always come out this time of year," Aya muttered and produced a rocket launcher from out of nowhere. Aya pulled the trigger and dispathed the freak of nature. "For a second there I thought I was going to die." Suddenly a partially opened Christmas present fell in her lap.
*****
"What did you do that for!?" The Captain exclaimed. Suddenly he was answered by a flash of light outside and screams of "Oh my God! They killed Aya! You spoony bard!"
"It was a bomb," Axer explained,"Someone is trying to kill you."
"Oh," The Captain replied,"Why are all my holidays seasoned with violence?"
*****
Sephiroth, Edea, Hojo, General Leo, and Magus were huddled around a campfire up at the Northern crater. Sephiroth and his Generic Restistance Force of Ex-Villains Against Wal*Mart also known as GRFEAW which sounds really screwy so for now on it will be called the Generic Resistance Force (GRF). Hojo heard from Scarlet, who heard from Reeve, who heard from Rufus, who heard from a man in a mysterious black cape, who heard from Kekfa, who heard from Little Johnny II, who heard from Dr. Green, who hear from Wesker that they were going to level Santa's workshop and build a Wal*Mart over it.
"Last time I was up here it wasn't so cold," Sephiroth complained.
"That was last summer," Hojo reminded him,"Usually the arctic is unlivable during the winter."
"Oh yeah..." Sephiroth remembered.
"Whose idea was it to come out here?" Edea questoined.
"Hojo's," General Leo replied,"I think you heard wrong somewhere on the grapevine."
"Its cold," Sephiroth complained,"Put some more Triple Triad cards on the fire."
"But I've only got so many!" Edea complained.
******
Billy Lee Black was sitting in coach crammed between a very annoying child and a very talkative man who did not know when to shut-up. Billy had no accounted for the amount of people getting out of the Xenogears Planet to go to other worlds for the holidays. The flight was hell. First they had sold more first class tickets than there were first class seats, leaving Billy without a seat but because of his celebrity status he was able to get a seat in coach. His peanuts were stale, and a stewardess accidently poured coffee in his lap. To make it even worse the only in flight movies were an assortment of Kain Candy flicks, the prolouge of Parasite Eevee, and Of Mice and Daemons: The Story of Hanpan. To top it all off Billy got jipped, because there was no barf in his barf bag.
"Hey Mister," the very annoying child started,"Are those real guns?"
"Yes," Billy replied.
"Can I see them?"
"No."
"Were you in that Wild Wild West film?"
"No."
"Did you know that if something went wrong, like a being from a higher dimension takes over the ship, there'd be no chance of survival what so ever?"
"It never occured to me."
"Yeah even if we did make it to the escape pods, the ships weapons would just shoot us down."
"I didn't think transportation ships were armed."
"They need them for ship to ship dog fights. Do you know what would happen if there was even the slightest hole in the hull?"
"No. What?"
"You'd get sucked out piece by piece. Tearing every piece small enough to fit through a tiny hole." Billy was starting to feel sick."Blood and guts going everywhere and..."
"Excuse me," Billy interupted and turned to the man sitting beside him,"Would you like to trade seats?"
"Sure," the man replied,"I get hit in the elbow by the cart whenever the stewardess walks by." Billy and the man got up and traded seats. Billy was bored to death with nothing to read, and the coach was not equipped with radios. Out of boredom Billy leaned his elbow against the armrest and rested the side of his face in his hand. Just then the Stewardess rammed the cart at full speed into Billy's elbow.
"Ow!" Billy cried in pain and jumped into full alert.
"Oh sorry," the stewardess apologized,"Would you like a magazine?"
"Do you have Guns and Ammo?" Billy asked.
"No," the stewardess replied,"but we do have Flyswatters Monthly."
"No thanks." The stewardess walked away.
"Were you in that Wild Wild West film?" the very talkative man asked.
"No," Billy replied.
"I've seen you in a movie before," the talkative man said,"Oh I know! I think I saw you in a porno! Your a gay porn star, aren't you?"
"No, I'm not," Billy replied clearly annoyed.
"No offense," the man keep on talking,"but you do look like a gay porn star."
"Shut-up!" Bill yelled at him clearly offended.
There was a short silence while the talkative man read a guide to all the movies to be shown. "I didn't realize that Kain Candy made so many movies."
"Its a wonder to the world," Billy replied drowzyly.
"In fact their filming one on this very flight," the man said,"and will be showing it by the end of the flight..." By this time Billy was fast asleep.
******
Back at the ranch, Cid, The Captain, and Axer were on the couch watching the Dukes of Hazard Christmas Special.
"@$#%! I've already missed half of it," Cid complained.
At that moment, Shera, Medina, Benit, and Princess Artemis walked through the door.
"Cid?" Shera asked,"Why is there a police crime scene outside? And why is the driveway still covered in snow."
"Um," Cid replied,"Somebody tried to kill The Captain."
"How awful!?" Princess Artemis exclaimed. Shera walked into the kitchen.
"What happened to the food!?" Shera gasped. Suddenly the tiolet flushed and Palmer walked out of the bathroom.
"Hey-hey!" Palmer greeted.
"Nevermind," Shera grumbled and started from scratch to fix Christmas dinner.
"What are you doing here Fat Palmer?" Cid questioned.
"You know Cid you like school in the summer time," Palmer replied.
"Hows that?"
"No class."
"No body invited you," The Captain reminded Palmer. Suddenly a bound and gagged Cait Sith fell out of the closet. "Um, that was the only way we could get him to shut-up." Benit ungagged Cait Sith.
"I came with the cat," Palmer added.
"This is a violation of my rights," Cait Sith explained,"I just wanted to know what wassailing means."
"Wassailing means to..." Princess Artemis started to explained but was cut off by a knock at the door.
"I wonder who it is?" Shera asked and answered the door.
"Gray!" Axer called.
"Jimi!" Benit cried.
"I thought you guys had disappered," The Captain said.
"No," Gray Fox said,"we were just lost on our way over here. Oh here is a supsicious looking tray of cookies I found on the front porch addressed to you." Gray Fox started to hand The Captain his tray of cookies.
"Cookies!" Palmer exclaimed and intercepted the cookies.
"My god!" Axer exclaimed,"I've never seen a tray of cookies eaten that fast." Suddenly Palmer looked ill and passed out on the floor. "Palmer!"
"Hey-hey!" Palmer replied,"The cookies were poisoned, but it takes alot more poison than that to kill me. Besides I've been poisoned so many times, I'm begginning to become immune."
"That tray of cookies was meant for me," The Captain said sullenly.
"That makes a second time," Cid stated.
"What does wassailing mean?" Cait Sith asked.
"Not now cat!" Gray Fox exclaimed.
"Woah," Jimi said,"I thought that cat was just a hallucination."
"Isn't Jimi Hendrix dead?" Cait Sith reminded. There was silence.
******
"Where is Santa Claus live here anway?" Celes asked.
"I don't know," CAM said,"Where I'm from he lives in the North Pole, so probably here he lives in the Northern Crater." Mr. T put his foot on the gas, and then stepped on the break.
"We're here suckas," Mr. T announced.
"Wow that was fast," CAM said.
"Dat's because my van's fast foo'!" Mr. T exclaimed.
"A little too fast," CAM replied,"I could have made a PaRappa reference if I had more time."
ROCKSLIDE slowly made their way through the elves at the picket line. Sometimes one would attack, but even CAM could overpower one of them. ROCKSLIDE then pushed their way into Santa's office.
"hO Ho hO! hElLo THeRe," Santa laughed,"sO YoUR tHe sTriKEbrEaKeRs tHaT wErE SEnT tO ME."
"I think I've heard that speech impediment before," CAM pondered,"Strikebreaker? Celes does this mean....?" Celes nodded to CAM. "Alright I can use the Riot Gear (TM)!"
*****
Two guards were standing outside Shinra building in Midgar. Out of the streets NC81 walked up to one of the guards.
"Hello big boy," NC81 said adjusting her Femme Bot Suit (TM). I hope Very Metal doesn't chastise me for this... When the guard was clearly distracted she pulled out of her Death Ray (TM).
"Where did you hide that!?" the guard asked.
"None of your business!" NC81 yelled back and vaporized him with the Death Ray (TM). NC81 turned to fire at the other guard, who surprisly did not notice his partner was dead. Only to find a body of a Shinra MP lying in his place with a 1,000 Needles in him and Mini-Cactuar standing over him.
"Those fools will hate they day they crossed me," Dr. Mayhem explained with his pinky still frozen to his face and Mr. Bigglesworth in the other arm. "MWA MWA MWA MWA MWA!" Then the Amish Vomit Keg walked into the Shinra Building.
*****
"Nobody move!" a voice boomed waking Billy from his slumber. Billy rubbed his eyes and saw three people with black ski masks on and brandishing submachine guns. Obviously they were terrorist. "As we come around please put gil, jewelry, and other stuff that's valuable in the bag, or we'll bust some caps in yo' ass!"
The three terrorist broke up, one guarded the door to first class, and the other two went down the aisles collecting valuables at gun point. When the terrorist hitting Billy's aisle and got to his row he demanded: "Put all the valuables in the bag!" The terrorist was soon met with a shotgun muzzle in his face.
"Enter....Billy Lee: Man of Action!" Billy exclaimed and smacked the terrorist upside the head with the butt of his shotgun. The terrorist staggered back as Billy threw his shotgun up in the air, slide between the terrorist's legs, caught the shotgun, and shot him in the back. Billy Lee: Man of Action cocked his shotgun, threw it up in the air, drew his revolvers, unloaded six rounds into the terrorist guarding first class, twirled the revolvers into their holsters, caught the shotgun, turned, and shot the terrorist on the other aisle.
"Good...Evil....I'm the guy with the guns," Billy stated as he blow the smoke coming out of the barrel of his shotgun. Then he casually placed the shotgun back into the folds of his holy habit. Another day on the job of a Man of Action. Suddenly a black ninja fell from the ceiling, and swatted Billy in the back of the head with a fly swatter causing Billy Lee to fall to the ground.
"Kain Candy?" Billy asked dazed,"What are you doing here?"
"I putting you under citizen's arrest," Kain Candy informed him and forced Billy's arms behind his back,"You just murdered three actors."
"I didn't know this was a movie," Billy replied.
"We announced that before we even started," Kain informed him,"Weren't you listening?"
"I was asleep."
"Well it doesn't matter!"
"Let him up Kain," the director said,"They were only stuntmen, no crime in killing them."
"I thought you did all of your own stunts," Billy sneered as he got up. The director went over to the corpses and pulled off their ski masks, revealing them to be: Biggs, Wedge, and Aya.
"Oh my god!" the very annoying child exclaimed,"You killed Biggs, Wedge, and Aya!"
"You gay porn star!" the very talkative man exclaimed. Billy chose to ignore his comment...this time....
"Of course this did cost us money. So we're going to penalize you by not allowing this trip to earn you frequent flyer miles," the director informed Billy. Billy muttered in reply. "BUT we do have three seats in First Class that just suddenly came available."
"Thank god!" Billy exclaimed.
******
The elves stood outside of Santa's workshop picketlining, and protesting.
"Its all you CAM," Agent1469 signed. Then Alys and D pushed the CAM into the crowd.
"Um...I'm going to have to ask you to cease and desist..." CAM told the crowd,"You are all ordered not to unionize and go right back to your slave labor of building toys for Santa."
"You can't stop us!" an elf called back,"Its our right to assembly!" CAM quickly shot him with five rubber bullets.
"Hey!" the Mayor of FH yelled at CAM,"Our constituional rights are being oppressed."
"Oh no FHers," Alys muttered. CAM chucked some tears gas canisters, a flash bang grendade, and a shaken up can of Citra into the crowd. Soda, bright lights, and tear gas went everywhere. This only seemed to infuriated the crowd further and then the crowd entirely converge on CAM. "Ahh! Help me!"
"Well we know what we are up against now," Alys said.
*****
Sephiroth looked to the west and saw liquid spurting into the air and then fire and bright lights flashing into the air.
"Hmmm...." Sephiroth replied,"I bet that has something to do with Wal*Mart."
"So what's our plan?" General Leo asked.
"We'll simply sneak in there and blow it up with plastic explosives."
"We didn't bring any of that," Edea reminded.
"Then where are the plastic explosives?" Hojo asked.
"Oh!" Sephiroth exclaimed,"I forgot them at Cloud's villa!"
"What are we gonna do now?" Magus asked.
"I know! We gotta believe!" Sephiroth exclaimed,"Well I guess there's something else I could try...."Sephiroth concentrated. "Bring me the plastic explosives."
*****
Suddenly Cloud got up from playing Twisted Metal Gear Solid, pulled some plastic explosives out from a nearby drawer, and then walked outside into the snow.
"Must...bring...plastic...explosives...." Cloud murmered to himself, turned northward, and started his long march towards Sephiroth.
*****
Deep inside the basement of the Shinra building, the the Amish Vomit Keg was inflitrating rather stealthy since it was Christmas Eve and almost everyone had the night off. Except for twelve measely security guards.
NC81 had twelve security guards lined up against the wall in front of a cardkey locked door at Death Ray (TM) point. Dr. Mayhem and Mini-Cactuar stood behind NC81. This was a diabolical version of "Dr. Mayhem sez."
"Dr. Mayhem sez," Dr. Mayhem sezed,"lift your right foot in the air." All the guards did as they were told, except for one who accidently raised his left foot. He was promptly shot by NC81. "Dr. Mayhem sez, rub your tubby while jumped up and down and patting your head. All at the same time." The guards complied. "Now stop." One guard stopped. "I didn't say Dr. Mayhem sez." Dr. Mayhem brought his pinky up to his mouth as NC81 shoot the man. "Whoever doesn't have the keycard raise there hand." Nine of the guards raised their hand, and NC81 shot them all. "Dr. Mayhem sez give me the keycard." The guard gave Dr. Mayhem the keycard. "Dr. Mayhem sez bite your own ear."
"That's physically impossible!" the guard protested. NC81 opened fire with her Death Ray (TM).
Dr. Mayhem took the keycard and placed it in the slot. The door began to slide open....
*****
Billy sat rather content in his new first class seat. There were two available seats to the right and left of him, but not in cramped conditions like his seating in couch. Hopefully their weren't two other surplus first class tickets, Billy has had enough human contact for one flight. Fortunately first class had quality movies (Blue Green, 1st Day of Parasite Eevee, It's a Wonderful Lifestream, Billy Lee: Man of Action, and Army of Darkness), and even Guns and Ammo magazine. Billy had always wondered why religious fanatics though the Eldridge was paradise, but now he knows. Those fanatics must have seen first class......
Suddenly a familiar face came into Billy's view, it was Grahf. He seemed to have been looking for something, there must have been a plot contrivance somewhere along the way. Grahf was the last person Billy wanted to see alive. Unfortunately Grahf walked right up to Billy.
"I am Grahf, seeker of first class seating," Grahf announced,"Doth thou hath an unoccupied seat?"
"Um, yeah," Billy stuttered gesturing towards the window seat.
"Thank thy," Grahf replied and took a seat,"I am Grahf, seeker of Good 'n Plenty. Doth thou desire some Good 'n Plenty?" Grahf offered Billy, holding the box towards him.
"Um, sure," Billy replied,"Uh...if your the seeker of Good 'n Plenty, why do you give it away?"
"Good question." Billy started reading through a copy of Guns and Ammo. Grahf tired of talking to Billy, and looked out the window into the boring, empty void of space. Grahf suddenly noticed something standing on the wind of the ship. It was a gray lizard like humanoid with horns, wore Saiya-jin armor, a DXscouter, and it could somehow survive in space. The creature saw Grahf, and Grahf saw it. The creature smiled, and dented the wing with an energy blast. Grahf turned to Billy. "There's a lizard out there!"
"Huh? What?" Billy replied confused and looked where Grahf was pointing,"I don't see anything there." Thinking Grahf was foolish, Billy turned back to Guns and Ammo. Grahf looked out the window again. The creature once again smiled, and blasted a hole straight through the wing.
"It just shoot a hole through the wing!" Grahf paniced and sweatdropped. Billy looked again.
"There's nothing out there Grahf," Billy replied clearly annoyed,"Your just nervous from flying that's all. Here have some Drive, I use it to calm me down during **Intense**Sniping**Action**" Billy handed Grahf some Drive. "Now be carefuly in some cases it can be addictive, plus you shouldn't take it or.." Grahf swallowed the liquid drug. ".rally..." Grahf shrugged, and suddenly a strange sensation came over him. A sensation that Jimi Hendrix must feel whenever he breaks a sweat.
Grahf suddenly had the urge to get up and start walking up and down the aisles screaming "I am Cornholio, seeker of TP. Doth thou have TP for my bunghole? Grant unto thee the power of the glorious 'bunghole of destruction'!" Grahf continued to bound up and down the aisles while chanting this. It must have been a sideffect from the Drive.
Suddenly the very talkative man from coach came and sat down beside Billy, disturbing Billy from his reading.
"Hey isn't it great," the talkative man said,"I was finally able to use my first class ticket since you busted caps on Biggs, Wedge, and Aya. Are you sure your not a gay porn star?"
"No!" Billy yelled,"I am not a gay porn star. For your information I'm an etone!"
"How can you be a priest if your a gay porn star?" the man asked.
"Shut up!"
The ship began to shake. "Um, this is your captain speaking," a voice said over the intercom,"Plus fasten your seat belt, we are experiencing some being from a higher dimension taking over the ship related turbulance. They usually leave us alone once we leave this system."
"I'll probably have to fight it too..." Billy muttered,"and then I'll probably wind up naked again..."
"Ha!" the man exclaimed,"I knew you were a gay porn star!"
"Shut-up!"
"I am Grahf, seeker of Drive. Art thou an illegal dealer?"
*****
"Ok this is how the battlefield is set up," Alys explained over a rough drawing of the battlefield in the dirt with her slasher. All around ROCKSLIDE's little trench a furious battle was raging on with the elves. Looking intently at Alys' battle plans were Mr.T, D, Agent1469, Pikafoo', and Celes.
"I think we should wrap this up soon and relieve CAM," Agent1469 signed.
"How is he anyway?" Celes asked.
"Help! Help!" CAM screamed,"They've got switchblades and tazers. Ow! That hurts! Oh the humanity!"
"CAM's fine," Alys replied,"Ok their are three units of twenty elves that are surrounding us here." Alys pointed to the center of the map."CAM is somewhere in this area being tortured to death." Alys pointed to the three units are. "D would like to tell them the tactics that should be employed?"
"......." D explained.
"There that should clear it up," Alys stated,"Now Mr.T would you like to give everyone a word of inspiration?"
"Those Elves are deadmeat foo'!" Mr.T bellowed.
"Alright....BREAK!" Alys said and ROCKSLIDE broke their huddle and charged into the battle field.
*****
Some carolers came wassailing through Rocket Town singing:
"Teddy the red nosed Senator,
Had a very shiny car,
And if you ever saw it,
You were probably near a bar,
All of the other senators,
Wonder how he got his dames,
They never were so sure of Teddy's bedroom games,
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
'Teddy with your car so bright,
Won't you guid my sleigh tonight',
That's when the police found them,
Wrapped around the maple tree,
Teddy the Red Nosed senator,
He's a drunken S.O.B.!"
"Go the @#$% away!" Cid shouted and threw a rock at the carolers. The carolers immediately dispersed, and Cait Sith bounded out.
"Nooooo!!!" Cait Sith cried,"I was so close to learning what wassailing means!"
Cid and Cait Sith walked inside the house, just a sniper rifle fired and hit thier old location harmlessly.
"Spoony," the mysterious figure cursed under his breath. He had been planning that shot for several hours. His three companions converged on him.
"You just used the evil word Fritz Fraundorf popularized!" the apparent leader yelled and shot the sniper.
"Um, sir," another one of the anti-Fritz Fraundorf terrorist spoke up,"He was the only sniper we had."
"We'll just have to use a different plan," the leader replied.
"But all of our stealthy plans have failed."
"We'll simply try something different, we'll kick down the door with guns blazing."
"Um, sure," the third anti-Fritz Fraundorf terrorist replied.
****
Billy stood in line at customs eversince his flight from hell. He was worried because of past negative encounters he's had with metal detectors, eventhough Billy is trying to figure out why they have them. In RPG worlds, its perfectly legal to purchase and brandish extremely deadly weapons in public. Grahf went through the metal detecter first, and there was no noise.
"Do you have any illegal drugs?" the customs man asked,"Or cute animal characters? We're still recovering from the Chu-Chu outbreak since the last time an Xenogears character came here."
"Nay, of courseth not!" Grahf protested just when his pocket exploded and several pounds of Drive fell on the floor. Grahf was immediately shocked by Shinra MPs with stun guns, and was arrested.
Billy went through the metal detecter and the machine beeped like crazy.
"Would you please empty your pockets," the Shinra MP asked.
"Ok," Billy complied and placed in the tray a pair of revolvers, two shotguns, an immense amount of ammunition, and a small vial of Drive. "D'oh! Maybe I shouldn't have totally emptied my pockets. Um...I have cancer...."
"We'll have to confiscate that," the Shinra MP said,"but you can keep the small arsenal. Oh yeah you'll have to stay in customs for Christmas."
"Damn...."
******
The Amish Vomit Keg walked into the large room. Inside the room was filled with all sorts of nifty gizmos that the Shinra doesn't want to fall into the wrongs hands, eventhough their already in the wrong hands. Three machines stood out inparticularly. A large super-computer thingy, a tube of green liquid in it, and a strange portal machine.
"What are those?" NC81 asked.
"That is the DEVA System," Dr. Mayhem answered gesturing at the portal device. "That is a Nanomachine..Machine." Dr. Mayhem pointed at the tube.
"That sounds redundant," NC81 remarked.
"Um, Phantom Ghost isn't here right now..."
"And what is this?" NC81 asked and pointed towards the super computer.
"This...." Dr. Mayhem built up supsense,"Is the main internet service provider for Shinra Online. The only internet service provider on this planet, and since every computer has a free year of it, every computer is connected to this one." Dr. Mayhem brought his pinky to his mouth. "So then I'll hook up this dooms day device, which will exactly in one hour undo all the hard work Shinra had down to make this computer Y2K Ok. "
"But we'll still have to wait till New Years," NC81 brought up,"I want them to pay now!"
"Well that's simple we'll just turn the clock on this computer to January first," Dr. Mayhem replied.
"But that will just prevent people from getting online."
"But here's the nifty part of my doomsday device," Dr. Mayhem replied,"I put a device called the 'Gaetia Key' and it will start a catalyst that will spread to every computer hooked up to this one. Doing the same thing to everyone's computers. Chaos will ensue, and the world will be plunged into the cold darkness. MWA MWA MWA MWA MWA!"
"Now we've just got to kill an hour," NC81 said. Mini-Cactuar whimpered.
*****
"What was going on out there?" Princess Artemis asked.
"Just some carolers," Cid replied,"Want to see how I decorated the Highwind!?"
"Sure!" The Captain replied.
"Cool," Medina replied.
"So that's what you've been doing back there," Shera replied. Everyone followed Cid into the back yard to see the decorated Highwind. Just then the three anti-Fritz Fraundorf terrorists burst through the door and started spraying their submachine guns across the room.
"Hey no one is in here," one of the terrorist pointed out.
"Damn," the leader muttered,"and we used all of our ammo too."
"So now what?" the third asked.
"Um, we go into the backyard and try again with our blackjacks," the leader replied.
Phantom Ghost and BrandonTCA walked into Cid's house in order to be late for the party, and make a good entrance. It seemed they were in luck three black clad terrorist were standing in the living room holding submachine guns, and ammo littered the floor.
"Don't worry Captain I'll save you!" BrandonTCA exclaimed and pulled out his Rabid Chu-chu launcher. BrandonTCA removed the limiter and fired a rabid Chu-chu at one of the terrorists. The Chu-chu flew across the room and bounced off the terrorist's head with an "Ouchu! How rude of chu!" The rabid Chu-chu grew to immense size (breaking through the roof), ate the terrorist, and then continued to attack other part of the city. "Looks like we're going to have another Chu-chu epidemic."
"Yuffie-saurus Rex! Go!" Phantom Ghost tossed a Pokeball and released a Y-Rex. Y-Rex then ate another terrorist and destroyed alot of the house in the process. The leader used this chance to escape from certain death. Phantom Ghost called Y-Rex back.
"What the @#$%@# happened here!" Cid barked.
"Um, there were terrorist," Brandon said.
"They did all this!?" Princess Artemis exclaimed.
"Well no," Phantom Ghost explained,"They just shot up the couch, we did the rest."
"But we killed two of them!" BrandonTCA added,"Plus the TV and the kitchen were unharmed."
"Oh cool," Medina replied.
"I'll just mint some money repair this place anyway," Benit said "matter-of-factly".
Hey-hey! When's dinner?"
****
"Hmmm all my plans don't seem to work," the leader of the anti-Fritz Fraundorf terrorist said looking through a pair of binoculars,"He's always surrounded by meddling friends! I have to find a way to seperate him from his friends."
****
The Captain was sitting on the couch when he saw a suspicious looking bottle of beer with a string attatched to it on the floor. The Captain reached for the beer put an unknown forced pulled it just out of his reach. He tried again, but it was pulled away again. The Captain followed the beer in this process, and eventually chased the beer out the back door where he finally caught it. At that exact moment (possibly a total coincidence) the leader of the anti-Fritz Fraundorf terrorist came out of the shadows and knocked The Captain out with his blackjack. The leader terrorist then loaded The Captain into his van and drove off.
"That was alot easier than I thought," the leader stated.
******
"So you guys are telling me that this is all because Santa Claus is wanting you guys to make Pikachu plushies?" Alys started. Alys was standing on top of a dirt pile in the middle of the battle field. Since the elves were at an advantage of holding CAM hostage, she then decided to try a diplomatic approach which was simply going to lead her to stabbing the foreman in the back. But it seems that this job had suddenly gotten more interesting.
"Yeah that's basically it," the Elf foreman said.
"That sounds incredibly fishy," Celes remarked.
"I pity da foo' that makes Pokemon merchandise!" Mr. T added.
"Ok we'll help you," Alys stated,"but only if you give us CAM back."
"Your standing on him," the Elf foreman informed Alys.
"Oh," Alys jumped off the mound of dirt and CAM emerged from it.
"I think I'm bleeding internally," CAM remarked. The suddenly a gunshot rang out. Everything happened so fast....the bullet sped by, CAM fell face flat in the dirt, and Santa holding a pistol, Ash, and Pikachu were standing over him. Agent1469 pulled out his shotgun and shot the pistol out of Santa's hand, and then shot Santa for good measures. Santa fell to the ground motionless.
"Agent1469," Alys remarked,"Silent, but deadly."
"Silent but deadly?" Agent1469 signed,"I like that."
"CAM!" Celes cried and ran over to him,"Are you ok?"
"Yeah I'm fine," CAM said getting up,"The bone stopped the bullet."
"Um, shouldn't we see a doctor about that?"
"oH oH Ho!" Santa laughed and pulled himself to his feet. Agent1469 brough up his shotgun again, but Pikachu blasted it out of his hand with a Thunderbolt.
"It take more than a twelve-gauge shotgun to take out Lord Pikacthulu!" Ash boasted, and was promptly shocked by Pikachu.
"dAmMiT aSH YoU gAVe aWaY mY iDenTitY!" Santa exclaimed as he transformed into Pikacthulu. Alys brandished her slashers, but Pikacthulu utilized his Mass Thunderwave skill and immoblized ROCKSLIDE and the Elves.
"Why are you doing this Pikacthulu!?" CAM demanded paralyzed.
"mY pLaN iS To gIvE EvErY bOY aNd giRL A pLusHiE oF mY iMaGe," Pikacthulu explained,"tHeN wHiLe ThEy aRe HaViNg seIZurEs I'LL tAkE oVeR thE WoRLD!"
"Where is Santa?" the Elf foreman asked.
"Pikacthulu sent him to the Cleft of Dimensions," Ash replied.
"aNd yOU sHaLL jOiN HiM," Pikacthulu added and started gathering dark energy. Suddenly a figure ran out of the shadows and smacked Pikacthulu against the wall with a rather long sword. It was Sephiroth.
"What no cut!?" Sephiroth questioned,"Oh, I didn't take the safety off my sword again." Sephiroth started fooling with Masamune's safety.
"Pika pi!" Pikachu cried and ran to his master,"Pika...CHU!" Pikachu let loose a thundershock that stunned Sephiroth. Ash pulled out a Pokeball to capture Sephiroth in. Edea floated down and waved her hand in the air. Two javelins of ice appeared and impaled Ash and Pikachu.
"'Tis merely a flesh wound," Ash quoted,"but we better retreat anyway." Ash and Pikachu jumped into the Poke Beetle and drove off.
"fOOlS!" Pikacthulu exclaimed and gathered electricity. A bolt of lighting struck Pikacthulu neutralizing his electricity. General Leo stood with his sword raised before Pikacthulu, but before Pikacthulu could retaliate Hojo shot Pikacthulu in the back with his Mako gun. Pikacthulu writhed on the ground.
Magus materialized with his cloak billowing in the winds. "The dark wind blows...." Magus stated,"To the Cleft of Dimensions with you!" Magus waved his hands and Pikacthulu was sucked into the Cleft of Dimensions.
"Hey if you can send Pikacthulu to the Cleft of Dimensions," the Elf foreman asked,"could you bring Santa back?"
"No," Magus replied,"The Cleft of Dimensions only sucks, but it does not blow."
"I can't believe you said that!" CAM exclaimed,"and in public!"
"So much for having no sexual innuendos in this fanfic," Alys remarked.
"Hey look!" CAM said pointing at the ground,"Pikacthulu conviently left us behind a present!" CAM picked up a Santa Hat, and a list. "Oh a Santa Hat, I think that's a helmet." CAM equiped a Santa Hat. "This must be Santa's real list." Suddenly an idea came to CAM's mind. "I know I'll dress up as Santa Claus and deliver presents to all the good boys and girls. Well not actually all of them, just the ones significant to the plot."
"We'll get the sleigh ready," the Elf forman suggested.
"No, we'll take Mr.T's van," CAM replied.
"Because its fast, foo!" Mr.T added.
"You always have to get that line in, don't you?"
*****
A Nisan cross swung overhead, and every once in a while light would reflect from the gem in the center of it. Back and forth it swang in the void of space. In this void sat Princess Artemis in a chair with a big screen TV behind her displaying ROCKSLIDE leaving the Northern Crater.
"So CAM set off to deliver the presents for Santa," Princess Artemis explained,"Just as it seemed that things were getting better, they turned for the worst. Dr. Mayhem started Y2K, but do not despair. We have an FMV of it!"
***FMV SEQUENCE***
Night began to settle on Rocket Town, and their christmas lights lit up Rocket Town and the rest of the world. Making the world resemble a giant Christmas tree. People began to come out of their homes and started to sing "Silent Night" around the giant Christmas tree.
Back in the Shinra building, Dr. Mayhem watched as the last few seconds ticked away. Suddenly the Shinra Online Internet Provider began to go berserk, and the screen was filled with the words "Your screwed, have a nice day!". Dr. Mayhem stuck the "Gaetia Key" in the doomsday device, and turned it. Suddenly the Nanomachine Machine and the DEVA System behind him began to go berserk. Then the power went out. Then suddenly the power went out everywhere, starting at Midgar and continuing from there.
But still in Rocket Town, eventhough they were completely submerged into darkness. The citizens remained singing "Silent Night" around the tree. Their faith was rewards with glowing green snowflakes that now fell from the sky. One of the carolers caught one of these snow flakes with their tongue, and cried in agony. The caroler was hideously and painfully transformed into a Chibi formed of himself. The citizens cried out in confusion and started running, but one by one they started transforming into Chibis.
****END FMV SEQUENCE****
The cross continued to swing back and forth. Now the TV was displaying a snapshot of the citizens being transformed into Chibis around the Christmas tree.
"The world began to cry out in agony, confusion, and panic," Princess Artemis said,"One after another all the people began to turn into Chibis. But since this is a fanfic, the main and supporting characters were not effected. Except a worse fate came after them...." Princess Artemis hit a button. The screen changed Chibi-versions of the Agents and Pikacthulu coming out of the DEVA System, and converging on the Amish Vomit Keg. "The Nanomachines and DEVA System malfunctioned severly before the power outage. Chibi Nanomachines were released transformed minor characters into Chibis, but the DEVA System created evil Chibi FPS Agent and released Pikacthulu. This evil force quickly took the Amish Vomit Keg hostage. With the Highwind powerless, CAM on Santa duty, and the Generic Resistance Force lost in a plot hole. Who could save Christmas from Y2K?"
Go on to Section 2