Final Pokémon Solid
Section 6
Scene 46:
Setting: The Highwind
Time: 12:15 PM
"$#&*!!! Now we have to fly around looking for Soda Fountain! It could be anywhere!" Cid banged his fist on the control panel. The Agents sat desolately around the Highwind’s bridge. The airship moved slowly through the empty skies.
"I can’t believe Agent Axer was a spy," CAM said, sadly nibbling on a Twinkie.
"This sucks," Musika said, kicking the ground.
"Nobody knows de trouble I seen…nobody knows my sorrow…," Agent Neener sang.
"Either stop singing or lighten up," Solid Ekans said moodily.
"Ooh!" Neener said. "I know! I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedle de dee, there they are a standing in the road, bum bum bum, big ones, small ones, some as big as your head!"
"There has to be some way to find him and Soda Fountain," the Captain said.
"Well, actually, there is," Benit said. "All of my coins have implanted tracking devices to keep tabs on everyone. Fortunately for us, Axer still has his coin. With that, we can easily find Soda Fountain."
"Good work, Agent Benit!" Blues said sincerely. Benit bowed. Gray Fox walked to the head of the bridge and pointed to the horizon.
"To Soda Fountain!"
"It’s very simple, Agent CAM," Axer said. He stood with CAM on a platform suspended above a pit of lava. The other Agents were dangling upside-down above it, suspended from giant chains.
"You better make the right choice!" Gray Fox threatened.
"I’ll bring out the Can of Whoop Ass if you don’t!" the Captain seconded.
"Enough talk!" Axer barked. "Make your choice." CAM looked back and forth across the pit. He looked to the left, where the Agents dangled helplessly, and then to the right.
"I’ll take the Twinkie," CAM said.
"Excellent choice," Axer said with a sadistic grin. He tossed CAM the suspended Twinkie.
"Hee! Twinkie Twinkie Twinkie!"
"I’m gonna kick your ass in the afterlife!" the Captain shouted as the group dipped closer and closer to the lava.
"Killing you guys off is liking taking candy from a baby," the traitor Agent said. A baby crawled up to Agent Axer, smiling happily and waving the lollipop in its chubby hands. "There’s a larf. I’m going to take it right now." He leaned down to snatch the candy.
"This sucks!!!" Musika yelled. The Agents hit the lava.
Then everything went black.
CAM blinked at the blank TV screen for a few seconds, then looked at his Playstation™ game console. A cloud of dark smoke was rising from it, filling the room with a foul odor. Suddenly, it erupted into flames.
"Oh no!" CAM cried. "Final Pokémon Solid is still in there!" He began to run around the room, screaming. Cid walked in.
"Hey CAM, just wanted to see if everything was-WHAT THE HELL’S HAPPENING?!"
"WhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdo?" CAM continued running in circles. Seeing no other available course of action, Cid rushed towards the Playstation™ and gave it a swift kick. It flew through an open window and plummeted to the ground below.
Agent Aya had miraculously survived her trip to the ionosphere and had landed with merely 90% of her bones crushed. She got up using the remaining 10% that were intact and dusted herself off. Hearing an odd whistling noise, she instinctively looked up. She sighed.
"I hate my life." The flaming Playstation™ impacted with Aya’s head, killing her instantly.
"Nooooo!" Agent CAM howled, waving his hands in the air.
"What the %&^%# are you crying about?!" Cid barked. CAM sniffled.
"My…my Final Pokémon Solid™ game was still in there!" He blew his nose.
"Oh," Cid said nervously as a spontaneous anime sweatdrop appeared on his forehead. CAM took out a Twinkie and ate it without enthusiasm, staring at the burnt spot on the rug. "Anyway," Cid continued, "everyone’s on the deck waiting for you. You comin’?"
"I guess…," CAM said morosely.
The Agents stood on the Highwind’s deck, watching the approach to Soda Fountain. The gigantic castle was built on a floating rock, which had massive crystals of green Bincholoid energy keeping it aloft.
"Alright," Gray Fox said. "Get ready, everyone. We’re gonna drop into Soda Fountain."
"Uh…I better go check if I have enough Twinkies for the trip!" CAM said, dashing for the door. Gray Fox caught him by the collar.
"Come back here! There’s no time for that!" The Highwind slowly turned its broadside to Soda Fountain and went into hover mode. An hatch in the fortress’ side hissed open, and a long platform slid out. Agent Axer stood at the end, laughing.
"Welcome, fools."
"You better give us back the box unless you want to suffer my wrath, pal!" Musashi said, swinging Fusion and Lumina around for good measure.
"Hmph," Axer said. "You don’t intimidate me with those toy swords of yours."
"Toys? Ha! Let’s see how you like it once I shred you with Lumina!" The evil Agent rolled his eyes.
"Sure. Enough games." He waved his hand, and a long tube shot out of the stone base and latched onto the Highwind. Cid’s eyes widened.
"Hey! What the %&^%^$$##%#@#%@#^%$ are you doin’ to my baby?!"
"I have no time to speak to you insects," Axer said. He walked back inside Soda Fountain, the platform began to retract. Looking determined, Musashi took a running jump off of the airship, flipped, and landed on the platform .
"Hey!" Solid Ekans shouted. "Where’re you going?"
"I’m gonna bring out a Can of Whoop Ass on him!" Musashi yelled back just as the platform retracted completely and the hatch closed. The tube attached to the Highwind began to whir and vibrate. The airship shook slightly.
"What’s going on?" Blues cried. The shaking became more violent, nearly tossing the Agents off the deck.
"The ship’s intruments must be getting-" Cid began. Before he could finish, the door to the Highwind’s interior exploded, and jam flew out. "It’s getting jammed! And that %&^%$$$#%$ tube is doing it!"
"Mmm…strawberry," Agent Benit said, ignoring the jam oozing around her shoes.
"$%$#! I’m gonna go and land the Highwind!" Cid said.
"What about us?" the Captain asked hurriedly.
"What about you?! Just go on ahead of me!" Cid dove into the jam and began to swim his way to the control room.
"Hey, everyone! Jump onto the pipe and try to get in!" Gray Fox said, leaping from the deck onto the tube with great agility. He ran along it to the hole ahead. The other Agents looked at each other apprehensively.
"Agent CAM, good to see you’re volunteering to go next," Artemis said, pushing CAM toward the edge.
"Alright, alright, quit pushin’!" He slowly climbed down to the tube and began to traverse its length. After Agent CAM came Agent Blues, Agent Artemis, Agent Musika, Agent Neener, Agent the Captain, Agent Benit, and finally Agent Solid Ekans. The group looked back to see the Highwind flying about drunkenly in the sky, spouting jam out of every opening it had.
"Looks kinda gross," Benit commented.
"I just hope Cid and everybody there are alright," Solid Ekans said.
Scene 47:
Setting: Soda Fountain
Time: 12:27 PM
The Agents stepped through the hole. To their surprise, the door slammed shut behind them, plunging the room into darkness.
"Ack! I lost my Twinkie!"
"Why is it always dark wherever we go?"
"I can’t see! I’m blind!"
"You’re not blind, it’s just dark in here!"
"Oh…."
"Okay, everybody stand still until we can find a light source." Suddenly, the lights went back on. Gray Fox, Musika and Neener looked around confusedly. Their comrades had vanished. They were in a strange room with an electric barrier at the back and a big-screen TV at the front. A raised stage held some amplifiers, and there were two strange multicolored pads corresponding to the buttons on the Playstation™ controller.
"Like, I’m Leader Force’s most fashionable leader Topo! Welcome to my rave party!" The mouse-eared girl stood in the middle of the stage. She bowed.
"Topo?!" Gray Fox exclaimed. "What’re you doing here?! Jimi killed you off!"
"Like, I used an Instant Plot Device™ to bring myself back to life!" She blew the trio a raspberry.
"What do you want?" Musika asked coolly.
"You didn’t play by my rules last time. You had to cheat your way out of it. But your pathetic friends aren’t here anymore. Nobody can save you now!" Topo brought out a strange device with various readouts and numbers. She sat on it and crossed her legs. "You know what this is?" Agent Neener hauled out a dictionary from her Inventory.
"This: 1a. Used to refer to the person or thing present, nearby, or just mentioned. Example: This is my cat. These are my tools. 1b. Used to refer to what is about to be said. 1c. Used to refer to the present event, action...."
"No! I’m not asking you the definition of ‘this’ is, I’m asking if you know what this machine is!" Topo yelled.
"Is it…bigger than a bread box?" Gray Fox asked.
"Is it…something that plays music?" Musika asked.
"Ooh! Ooh! Is it the DSX Dance Rater 2000?" Neener asked.
"Yes, sort of, and yes. This is the DSX Dance Rater 2000, the most revolutionary machine in existence. It rates the skill of a dancer by judging the motions they use. It also comes with an orange juice dispenser, and if you order it now, they throw in free ginsu knives. They’re nice, sharp, and can be used to cut things." The Agents waved some gil in Topo’s face.
"How much?" they asked in unison.
"It can be yours for only four easy installments of-WAIT A SECOND! I’m not here to sell you this thing! I’m here to kill you! Now DANCE! Or DIE!!"
"Dance? Die? Doesn’t sound like a very fun dance competition," Gray Fox said.
"Like, looks like we have a volunteer!" Topo said.
"Little old me?"
"Enough of this! Let the games begin!" The DSX Dance Rater 2000 whirred to life.
Elsewhere in Soda Fountain, Artemis, CAM and Solid Ekans were having their own problems. They had been deposited in the hedge maze, and now were battling wave after wave of Bincholoid robot soldiers. Artemis landed a crushing blow to a guard’s head with the Dragon’s Teeth, then jumped away as it exploded.
"That’s 37 down…," she said, focusing her attention on a blue gunner robot.
"…And a lot more to go," CAM finished. He coiled his whip around a red bazooka bot and slammed it into a green bomb bot, causing them both to explode.
"Take THIS!" Solid Ekans leapt into the air and threw a generous amount of C4 into a group of robots. They flew apart violently. "I’m beating you by six kills, Artemis." He took out the Progressive Fish and hacked away. Artemis grinned and sheathed her sais. The limit break aura sprang up around her.
"Vulcan Eye Poke!" She sent out telekinetic extensions of her fingers and short-circuited an approaching mass of robots. "Sorry, Ekans, but that makes 50 kills right there."
"You guys ain’t seen nothing yet," CAM said. "Beat Down!" CAM leapt high into the air and wrapped his whip around a robot. He twirled it around and used it to destroy a whole unit of others. He dropped back to the ground amidst the flying shrapnel. "I’m way ahead of you now," he said with smirk.
"Ha, my turn," Ekans said. His aura flared up. "MGS/Parappa Ref Hyper Combo!" His outfit swithced to more hiphop appropriate clothing. Ekans made disc-scratching motions with his hands. "U, uh, u, uh, no way! You’ve been fighting here in Soda Fountain, yes, for days! Did you check the toilets on the right?" The army of robots looked to the right, where there was a row of stalls. They checked them expectantly. Seeing his opponents distracted by bathroom-type objects, Solid Ekans rushed up and planted C4 on their backs. Jumping away, he detonated it. The explosion was very loud.
"BORING!" Agent Blues commented as he wandered through empty steel corridors with Benit and the Captain.
"We don’t even know where we’re going," Benit said, opening a door to a room full of stairs and archways.
"Whoa, let’s not split up now," the Captain said, but too late. The trio went their separate ways. Blues walked through a door and closed it behind him. Benit walked over an archway and went through the same door. The Captain went through the archway and climbed several flights of stairs. He gasped as he saw Blues overhead, walking upside-down. "What the $#@# is this?! There’re stairs for walls for floors for doors and archways in the wrong places! It’s like Escher!"
"You said it," Benit commented, walking down a flight of stairs.
"I dunno, but didn’t I see you guys upside-down a few seconds ago?" Blues asked, going through an archway.
"Nah, I think you were the one who was upside down," Benit said, opening a door. The Captain walked through another archway, and saw that Blues was standing on the left wall and Benit was standing on the ceiling.
"You two look kinda funny," Blues said.
"What are you talking about? You and Benit are the ones who look weird! I’m walking rightside-up!" the Captain said.
"Rightside-up? There’s no sense of direction in this place!" Benit exclaimed.
"Gah! Let’s just keep walking around until we find a way out of here!" the Captain said, walking through a door.
"Sounds good," Blues said, going under an archway.
"I’m game," Benit said, climbing some stairs.
"Ow!" all three of them yelled as they bumped into each other. Looking around, the small group realized that they had reached the exit. They breathed simultaneous sighs of relief.
"Who are you? What business do you have with the Eve Corporation?" The Agents saw a man wearing a kimono and wielding an extremely large Vulcan cannon.
"We’re here to get a recipe from Eve, and have a three o’clock dental appointment with her," Benit said quickly.
"Let me check the appointment book," the man said, flipping through a small notebook. "Hey…hold on! She doesn’t even have any appointments, especially not dental ones!"
"It almost worked." Benit snapped her fingers.
"I am Vulcan Gorky," the man told them. "I shoot things with my Vulcan cannon and also am an abstract painter. I like to take long walks by the beach, pick wildflowers and talk about love and poetry." He sighed dreamily.
"Aww," the Captain said, "that’s beautiful." He blew his nose on a hankerchief.
"Well, enough about me," Vulcan Gorky said. "I’ll kill you all now." He squeezed the trigger on the Vulcan, releasing volley after volley of water balloons at the Agents. At first, they attempted to block, but quickly realized that it was futile.
"Gee, good thing this place has hiding places," Benit said sarcastically, soaked from head to toe.
"We’re not going to take this!" the Captain shouted. "Let’s fight back!" A limit aura sprang up.
"I’m with you, Cap!" Blues said. He unsheathed his sword Spectre as his own aura flared.
"Alright! Level 3 combo attack!" Benit activated her limit break.
"Uh-oh…," the MGS ripoff said apprehensively.
"ROCKET TOWN!" The sky opened above, and tons upon tons of Rocket Town mail buried Gorky.
"BLANK CHECK!" Benit tossed a check at the pile. Instead of causing damage, it blew the paper all over the room, leaving Gorky stunned long enough for Blues to attack.
"SWORD DANCE!" Blues stuck his sword in the grounf, lightning flying from the blade. He used the hilt as leverage and launched himself into the air, knocking Gorky in the chest. Blues bounced off, flipped in the air, and landed on both feet. Vulcan Gorky flew across the room and impacted with the back wall with a painful thud. He slid off and fell on his face, unconscious. A teleporter appeared in front of them.
"Hey, I’ll bet that’s the way out," the Captain said. The others nodded, and they stepped onto it, disappearing in purple pillars of light.
"Good work, Agent Axer." Eve swivelled in her chair to face the evil Agent.
"Thank you, President Eve," he said with a low bow. Eve swivelled her chair again to look out of the window at the vast sky and puffy clouds.
"I wonder, however…I wonder if your loyalties still lie within the Eve Corporation." Axer blinked a few times and let out a small chuckle. Eve faced him with a quizzical look on her face. Axer stopped laughing and straightened.
"Do not worry, President Eve, my loyalites now and will always lie with you."
"Good, it had better be. For your sake," she said ominiously, turning to face the window again. "Now begone!" The Agent bowed again.
"Yes, President Eve." He left the room, shutting the door behind him. Eve sat in the cushy business chair for a long while, staring at the sky. An airship flew by, gushing jam from every opening. Eve blinked in confusion and turned back to her desk, pressing the button for the intercom.
"Sepheratus," she said into the microphone. "I want you to keep a close eye on Agent Axer. I feel he should not be trusted any longer."
"Yes, President Eve," the Vice President replied. The intercom clicked off, and Eve resumed sitting quietly, pondering. Then she gripped the handles of her chair and gave a swift push.
"Wheeeee! I love spinning! Whoo-whee!" She threw her arms into the air as the chair spun around and around and around.
"Phew." Agent Axer wiped his forehead and headed down the corridor away from Eve’s office. Musashi ducked behind a potted plant as he followed Axer. Axer paused and looked over his shoulder. "You can come out now. I know you’ve been following me the entire way." He drew Avenger.
"HA!" Musashi picked up the plant and hurled it at the malevolent Agent. Axer merely placed Avenger in front of his face. The projectile sheared in half upon hitting the blade and flew apart. The two halves shattered as they hit the walls.
"Nice try. But I’m surprised that you’d stoop so low as to throw plants at me," he said with a smirk. Musashi growled and drew Fusion. Axer flipped Avenger impressively. "You should know, Musashi, that when you die in this world, you don’t wake up in bed. You only get one chance. And-" Axer raised Avenger to Musashi’s eye level. "-Yours is about to become forfeit."
"Agent Axer! Prepare yourself!" Musashi cried, gripping Fusion tighter. The fighters stared at each other. The tension in the air grew thicker. Suddenly, Musashi made his move. He threw Fusion directly at the traitorous Agent. The sword pulsed with green energy. Axer neatly sidestepped, and Fusion swung around, returning to its rightful owner. Axer grinned and leapt at Musashi. The samurai backflipped out of range. Axer landed on his free hand and flipped over, landing on his feet with catlike grace. He removed something from his Inventory.
"Eat unblockable potatoE, you growth-stunted freak!" He winged the potatoE at Musashi. Musashi brought up Fusion to block it, but as it was unblockable, the projectile passed harmlessly through the blade and hit the short fencer in the eyes, blinding him. Axer used the opportunity to throw more of the potatoEs at the legendary summoned hero. Musashi yelped in surprise as he was pelted by a volley of vegetables.
"I’ll show you!" Musashi yelled. He charged up Lumina, and swung the great broadsword around in a circle. The flying potatoEs were quickly carved in neat rings.
"Impressive, Musashi, but this isn’t a fast food joint." Axer rushed his foe.
"Earth Scroll!" Musashi jumped high into the air and drove the point of Lumina straight into the floor. Axer froze in place, held by the temporary earthquake. The fencer picked up the potatoE rings and threw them in rapid succession at the stunned Agent. "Hah! How do you like it, Axer?" Musashi taunted. He continued to pelt Axer.
"Grr…," Agent Axer said through forcibly-clenched teeth. "Pikachu-chu, Thundershock, now!"
"Pikachu-chu!" The Pokémon popped out of her Pokéball and unleashed a massive electricity storm at Musashi. The brave fencer flailed his arms as power surged through his body. Pikachu-chu let up suddenly, and Musashi, thoroughly charred, fell over, unconscious. The effects of Earth Scroll gradually wore off, and Agent Axer soon was able to move again.
"Good work, Pikachu-chu!"
"Pikachu-chu!" the Pokémon said happily, giving the peace sign. Agent Axer picked up Musashi.
"He’s not dead…."
Gray Fox had already been defeated with a mediocre dance rating of two, compared to Topo’s ten. Agent Musika panted as he watched the DSX Dance Rater 2000 compile the data of him and Topo’s match. The machine beeped.
"Topo receives a ten," it said in a soothing female voice. "Agent Musika receives a two. Have a nice day."
"Noooo!!!" Musika cried as he passed out cold on the floor.
"This is the song that never ends, and it goes on and on and on! Some people started singing never knowing…," Neener sang, oblivious to the plight of the others. Topo pointed at her.
"You! Start dancing, or you DIE!"
"What? Lil’ old me?" Neener asked, giving Topo Bambi eyes.
"Like I said, that won’t work against me! Now DANCE! Or DIE!" The lights dimmed, and spotlights began to flash around the stage. Topo began to jumpon the dance pad in a predetermined order. Several moments later, she stopped and bowed. "Your turn," she said with an evil grin. Agent Neener stepped up to the pad and took a deep breath.
"There was a FARMER who had a DOG and BINGO was his NAME-O!!" she sang as she attempted to dance to the beat, failing miserably. Confused, Neener hopped on the pad’s symbols at random. The DSX Dance Rater 2000 began to shake and spout smoke due to Neener’s horribly off-key singing.
"B-I-N-G-O and BINGO was his NAME-O!" Neener jumped into the air and spread her arms and legs into an X shape.
"Ha! Pathetic!" Topo said, removing the cotton balls from her ears. The dance machine wheezed pitifully. Topo gave it a swift kick, and it beeped.
"Analysis complete," it said in a much deeper voice. "Reading last data entry: Topo vs. Agent Neener. Results are as follows."
"Ha! You’re gonna lose!" the mouse-eared girl said confidently.
"Topo receives zero points. Agent Neener receives a ten. Have a nice day." It crashed onto the floor, sputtered once, and died.
"Aaaah! You’re too good!" Topo shrieked as she slumped to the ground, unconscious. A teleporter opened up on the stage.
"Wow. I didn’t think I was that good," Neener said with a self-satisfied air.
"Urrrggghhh…you won?" Gray Fox asked, slowly coming around.
"Yup. You’re looking at a bona fide Grade A dancer," she said, beaming.
"I’m surprised," Musika said, standing up groggily, "I figured your dancing skill was the same as your singing skill."
"That’s true! Not only am I a great singer, but a great dancer too!" She smiled happily and stepped on the teleporter, disappearing.
"Is she tone deaf?" Musika asked Gray Fox. Gray Fox rubbed his head and rolled his eyes.
"I’m leaning towards plain deaf."
Still in the hedge maze, Agent Artemis, Agent CAM and Agent Solid Ekans continued to wreak havoc. As CAM destroyed his 100th robot, he decided to celebrate by eating yet another Twinkie. He reached into his pocket.
"AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! Oh NO! I’m out of Twinkies!" he yelled.
"What?! Isn’t that a good thing?" Agent Artemis asked, dispatching another bot.
"You don’t understand…if I don’t get my Twinkie fix…I…I’ll-" CAM cut off sharply as a red haze surrounded him.
"Uh-oh," Solid Ekans said. CAM disappeared, and the Wizard of Darkness rose in his place.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM FREE AGAIN. NOW NOBODY CAN STOP MY PLANS FOR DESTRUCTION." The Wizard waved its arm, and Soda Fountain’s entire robot army exploded into shrapnel. It turned to face Artemis and Solid Ekans, its eyes glaring evil intent.
"Great! Without any Twinkies, he can’t revert!" Artemis cried.
"Artemis! You’ve still got that Twinkie you were examining, right?" Solid Ekans asked.
"Yeah…but it’s the ONLY one! And I’m still not done with it!"
"Hey, I wanna live to see Parappa on the Playstation™ 2! Just toss it the spoony Twinkie!" Agent Artemis sighed and tossed the Twinkie. The Wizard roared, throwing the Agents off their feet. They hit the ground hard. Fortunately, Artemis’ aim was true. The Twinkie fell straight down the creature’s gullet. In a flash, CAM stood in its place.
"Whoa…," he said. "That was cool."
"For you, maybe," Artemis said, getting to her feet.
"I’m gonna feel that for a while," Ekans said, rubbing his back.
"So…we finally meet again…face to face to face to face," A mysterious voice said.
"What the? Who’s there?" CAM asked, surprised.
"Very close by…."
"Wait…that voice…that quote…it’s a reference I know all too well…," Solid Ekans said, darting his eyes about.
"Hehe, just kidding," the voice said. Someone stepped out of the shadows.
"What…Agent Castor?" Artemis asked, confused.
"Yup! That’s right!" Castor smiled. Ekans’ CODEC beeped, and he instantly pressed [SELECT].
"Ekans! Get out of there, quick!" the Pokémaniac said rapidly.
"Pokémaniac, what’re you talking about?"
"Isn’t it odd that Agent Castor would just suddenly appear out of nowhere?"
"Yeah, so what’s your point?"
"That’s not Agent Castor!!"
"You’re too late, Agent Ekans!" Castor grabbed Agent Artemis and locked her in a choke hold. He ripped off his mask and put a gun to Artemis’ temple. Solid Ekans’ mouth dropped open as he slowly reached up to turn off his CODEC. CAM stood nearby, slightly bewildered.
"No! It can’t be! Liquid Shake?" Ekans said, shocked.
"That’s right. We still haven’t finished our business since we last met in the torture chamber." He held Artemis tightly.
"Let her go!" CAM yelled.
"Ah-ha!" Shake said. "Move and your pretty little friend gets it." He pushed the barrel of the gun farther into Artemis’ temple.
"Ow! My skull’s not that hard!" she complained.
"Stop! Let her go!" Ekans said, taking a stop forward. Liquid Shake grinned evilly.
"I think not…for, you see, this isn’t any gun. It…is a squirt gun." CAM and Solid Ekans stared at each other for a moment then burst into hysterical laughter.
"Oh no! Don’t make Agent Artemis’ hair wet!" CAM taunted.
"Oh yeah, I’m shaking here! Whatever shall we do?" Ekans asked dryly.
"SILENCE!" Shake boomed. Steam shot from his ears. "Stop laughing…unless you want your friend’s hair dyed."
"Dyed?" Artemis asked, squirming. "You mean it’s not water?"
"Not water! Of course it’s not water! Do you take me for a fool? So, how would you like your hair dyed…Egyptian Plum?" Shake grinned evilly. Artemis gasped in shock.
"Let her go!" Ekans said again.
"Not yet, Solid. First I want to clear up a few things." Liquid Shake took a deep breath. "When we were kids, I was your great grandmother’s son’s daughter’s youngest son’s neighbor’s ex-best friend."
"So it’s true…you and I are…."
"Yes, we were neighbors. But not just any neighbors…we were neighbors linked by cursed genes."
"But we’re not even related. How can we be linked by cursed genes?"
"You see, I had the ‘Neighborhood Bully’ genes," Shake explained. "I was the king of the playground! The master of the universe! Nothing could have stopped me…until I was ten years old…."
"Ten years old…I was the same age when I moved in next door," Ekans remembered.
"That’s right…but you weren’t some ordinary kid. You had the dominant ‘Neighborhood Hero’ genes while I was stuck with the flawed recessive ‘Neighborhood Bully.’ You’ve heard of ‘The Kid’s Guide to Super Duper Rules and Regulations,’ right?"
"Of course, every kid’s heard of it. There’s the ‘always have fun’ rule, the ‘never eat your vegetables’ rule and the infamous ‘never do what you’re told’ rule," Ekans stated.
"Did you ever read the ‘Neighborhood Bullies and Heros’ section?"
"Yeah, I remember that. The Neighborhood Bully has the right to pick on the Neighborhood Hero until such time as the Neighborhood Hero makes a stand and kicks the Neighborhood Bully’s sorry hiney."
"That’s right…and do you remember that day?" Shake asked.
"Yeah, at the playground…I kicked your sorry behind and-"
"Um, this is a great reunion and all, but can we get back to point?" CAM asked, sitting on a lawn chair sunbathing.
"Fine!" Shake spat. "Have it your way!" He pulled the trigger, dousing Agent Artemis’ head, lifted his arms and disappeared. The ground shook suddenly. A massive hybrid between Metal Gear Rex and Weltall dropped from the sky.
"WHAT THE HFIL IS THAT?!" CAM yelled, in the process of folding up his lawn chair.
"My newest creation!" Liquid Shake shouted from the cockpit. "I call it Metal Gear Weltall! It looks sort of like Weltall, but it has the same capabilities of Metal Gear Rex, like this missile launcher I’m about to use on you all!" A hatch opened in Metal Gear Weltall’s torso, and volley after volley of missiles spewed forth. Solid Ekans and CAM ran away screaming, but Artemis stood as still as a statue. She ran her hand through her hair and stared it at. It was smeared a revolting purple.
"Nobody…," Artemis whispered as a shot from the Gear’s rail gon exploded next to her. "Nobody…!" she said louder, twitching.
"Agent Artemis!" CAM cried from his hiding place. "Look out!"
"DIE!" Shake yelled, turning the laser to aim at the stationary Agent.
"NOBODY DYES MY HAIR EGYPTIAN PLUM AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" A massive limit break aura erupted around Agent Artemis.
"Uh…this is like a Mega Hyper Alpha Limit Break…," Solid Ekans said in awe.
"I can’t watch!" CAM said. He watched anyway. Artemis marched toward the Gear and violently stuck her sais into the Raydome. She leapt into the air, and the Raydome tore out of its socket, sending up a huge shower of sparks from the dangling wires. She tossed the massive object like a Frisbee. It spun unsteadily and lodged itself in the Gear’s torso. The hatch popped open.
"Impressive!" Liquid Shake said. "You are indeed worthy of the codename Agent."
"HOW DARE YOU DYE MY HAIR LIKE THAT??!!!" Artemis continued her brutal assault, raving.
"Take THIS!" Metal Gear Weltall’s foot lifted and crashed directly on the attacking Agent. CAM and Solid Ekans gasped.
"Agent Artemis!!!!!!"
"Hmph…pathetic," Shake said derisively. "Now, time for you two to die!" He grasped the Gear’s control panel, but it locked tight. He blinked and smashed a few buttons. "Dammit! Why won’t you move?" Something etched under the controls caught his eye. "Made in CHINA?! That’s the last time I buy anything from THEM!!" Suddenly, Metal Gear Weltall lifted into the air, courtesy of Agent Artemis. "What?!" Shake shouted. "You’re supposed to be dead!"
"I can say the same for you!" Artemis snarled. She tore off one of the Gear’s legs and swung it hard into the other. It crumpled and collapsed to the ground. The insane Agent raised the disembodied leg high abover her head and brought it down again and again on the fallen Gear. "TAKE THIS, YOU HAIR-WRECKING KNOW-NOTHING KNOW IT ALL!!!!!" Finally, Metal Gear Weltall exploded, sending its occupant flying high into the air. Liquid Shake yelped, then hit the ground hard.
"It…can’t…be…!" he gasped, then lay back, stars circling his head.
"You better believe it! That should teach you a lesson: never, ever dye somebody’s hair, especially not an awful color like Egyptian Plum!" Artemis sneered and walked into a newly-formed teleporter.
"Whoa…I think I’ll try to keep from getting on Agent Artemis’ angry side," CAM said.
"You said it," Ekans agreed, and they both stepped on the teleporter.
"Alright!" Benit said. "Together again!" The teleporters had brought all of the Agents back together. They were in a massive metallic room, tubular in shape. The ceiling disappeared high above them. A spiralling metal ramp ran up the sides.
"Where are we?" Blues asked.
"Judging from the layout of this place," Artemis said, "we’re at the spiral path near the end of Soda Fountain. There should be a teleporter to the Sky Scroll room at the top."
"Anybody got a Twinkie?" CAM asked, digging in his empty pockets.
"Hey!" Gray Fox shouted. "It’s Agent Axer!" Axer stood on a platform in the center of the room, malevolently grinning. He held the P.B. chest under one arm. The platfrom slowly rose toward the teleporter.
"Oh! Peanut butter!" CAM said happily.
"Not peanut butter, you moron! Pandora’s Box!" The Captain smacked CAM in the back of the head.
"Why are we just standing here? We’ve gotta get that box!" Musika asked suddenly. The Agents began to dash up the walkway. Axer laughed cruelly and disappeared with the chest. Throwing caution to the wind, the group ran through the teleporter at the top. The room beyond was searingly bright.
"Ack! I’m blind!" Agent Neener cried.
"You’re not blind, the lights are just on too high!" Benit snapped.
"You fools. You fell right into my trap." The lights dimmed.
"It can’t be…," Solid Ekans began, looking at the floating figure before them.
"Eve!" everyone shouted.
"Yes, that’s right," the villainess said. "We meet again, at last." Suddenly, a group of chains shot out of the ceiling and tightly bound the Agents. The apparatus the chains were hooked to slowyle dragged the group to the left until they were dangling upside down over a large pit of lava. Eve showed them a small garage door-opener-esque device. "You see this? One push of the red button, and it’s the end for you all. Nyeah nyeah nyeah nyeah nyeah!" Her finger twitched, and she slowly began to press down the button. There was a sudden whistling noise, and a whirling potatoE slammed into Eve’s thumb. She dropped the device, which clattered to the floor and slid into the lava. "What?" she gasped. "Who dares interrupt my moment?!"
"Sorry, President Eve, but those are my friends you’re about to kill!" Agent Axer tossed another potatoE up and down menacingly.
"What?! Agent Axer, you’re saving us?" Blues asked incredulously.
"Of course, you guys are my friends. I had to pretend to betray you so I could reach Soda Fountain. Once I was there, I knew Benit’s trackers would lead all of you here. Sorry about the whole traitor business, but it was the only way I could think of."
"That’s IT! I’m finishing you off once and for all!" Eve tossed a Pokéball into the air. "Mitochondriachu, go!" Axer grimaced and threw his own into the air.
"Pikachu-chu, go!"
"Mito mito![I’m gonna kick your sorry @$$!]"
"Pika pika![Oh yeah? Your mama’s so fat she’s got her own zip code!] Meanwhile, Musashi entered the other side of the room and waved at the Agents.
"Musashi! I thought you were gone," Solid Ekans said.
"Nah," Musashi said. "I had to stage a fight with Agent Axer, though, so Eve wouldn’t figure he was a traitor." He pressed a button, and a thick heat-proof metal panel sealed off the lava. He jumped above and held onto the chains, beginning to free the captives.
"Yay!" Agent Neener said happily. "I got that joy joy joy joy down in my heart! Down in my heart! Down in my heart! I got that joy joy joy joy down in my heart! Down in my heart to stay! And if the devil don’t like it, he can sit on a tack-"
"Shut up," Gray Fox said moodily.
"Yeah. I can feel my ear drums pounding when you get off-key," Musika said, wincing in pain. Neener pouted.
"Pikachu-chu!" Axer shouted. "PikaLiberation!"
"PIKACHU-CHU!" The tiny Pokémon grew glowing angel wings and flew into the air. She produced several thousand Cans of Whoop Ass and threw them in one motion at Mitochondriachu.
"Mito! Mito mito![Ow! Knock it off, it hurts like hell!]" Pikachu-chu ceased the attack and hopped back to the ground. Mitochondriachu collapsed, stars circling around its head.
"Oh no!" Eve cried. "Mitochondriachu, return!" The Pokémon was sucked back into its Pokéball. Eve tossed her next Pokémon into battle. "Parasect Eevee, go! Hit it while it’s weakened from its last attack!"
"Argh! Pikachu-chu hasn’t recovered yet, so this means…." Parasect Eevee hit the ground and growled.
"It means your hiney is toast! Parasect Eevee, Hyper Tackle, now!"
"Eevee!" Parasect Eevee dashed toward Axer’s weakened Pokémon and slammed into it headfirst. Pikachu-chu reeled backwards and slammed into a wall.
"Chu…," it said weakly.
"Good try, Pikachu-chu," Axer said, withdrawing the wounded monster.
"You lose!" Eve taunted, sticking out her tongue.
"Not yet, you freak of nature…Midget Chocobo, go!" Axer second Pokéball popped open.
"Wark wark!" Midget Chocobo said, running around in circles. Eve stared at it in confusion then began to laugh.
"What’s so funny?!" Agent Axer snapped.
"That’s the Pokémon I sold you at the Gold Saucer!" Eve said, chuckling. "It’s practically worthless!"
"I’ll show you worthless! Midget Chocobo, Chocobuckle, now!"
"Wark!" The tiny Chocobo jumped into the air and flapped its wings. A star hit Parasect Eevee.
"Eevee…?" it asked, unscathed and bewildered.
"What a weakling! Parasect Eevee, Claw Attack, now!"
"Eevee!" The evil Pokémon slashed Midget Chocobo. The bird fell back, severely damaged.
"Wark!" it cried. Just as Axer pointed his Pokéball to retrieve it, it began to glow.
"Hey, what’s going on?" Eve asked. Axer pulled out Dexter the Pokédex and aimed it at the glowing Chocobo.
"During battles, Pokémon will sometimes spontaneously evolve into higher forms. Midget Chocobo will evolve to the powerful Gold Chocobo," Dexter said, and shut off.
"Alright!" There was a flash of light, and in Midget Chocobo’s place stood the graceful Gold Chocobo. It was the size of an ostrich, and its entire body was covered in bright gold feathers. "Gold Chocobo, Choco Ball, now!"
"Wark!" The bird reared its head back and spewed a wave of fire at Parasect Eevee.
"Eevee!" the freak Pokémon exclaimed, its tail on fire.
"Finish it! Choco Meteor, now!"
"Wark!" Gold Chocobo flapped its wings, and a large meteor crashed through the ceiling, bounced off of the walls leaving a trail of fire and slammed straight into Parasect Eevee.
"Ee…vee…," it groaned. Eve called back the injured Pokémon and removed the last Pokéball from her belt.
"THAT’S…IT!! Midgar Zolom, GO!"
"Zolom!" the massive cobra Pokémon boomed ominously. It was as tall as the ceiling, and its barbed tail swished back and forth menacingly.
"What the spoony is that?! Dexter, analyze!" Axer exclaimed.
"Midgar Zolom. Fire-type Pokémon, found in the swamp area near Midgar. They are very large, have bad temperaments, and eat Chocobos in one bite," Dexter said boredly.
"Uh…Gold Chocobo…do something!"
"Wark!" Gold Chocobo launched a combination attack of Choco Ball and Choco Meteor at Midgar Zolom.
"What a moron," Eve said. "Your attacks aren’t doing anything." Midgar Zolom stood like a sentinel, hissing as Gold Chocobo exhausted itself. Finally, the bird fell back, panting. Eve laughed cruelly. "Midgar Zolom, Beta, now!"
"Zolom!" The snake shot out a continuous stream of magical fire at Axer’s Pokémon.
"Wark!" Gold Chocobo fainted.
"Ack! Gold Chocobo, return!" Axer shouted. It was sucked back into the Pokéball.
"Give up yet?" Eve asked, smiling primly.
"Heck no! I still have one more Pokémon up my sleeve! Chimera, go!"
"Chimera!" the legendary beast hissed at Midgar Zolom.
"It won’t stand up against Beta! Midgar Zolom, Beta, now!"
"Zolom!" It launched a stream of fire at Chimera. Zolom’s attack proved ineffective, however. Axer’s Pokémon merely stood in the same place, swishing its tail about.
"Eve, you loser. Zolom’s a Fire Pokémon. Chimera’s a Water Pokémon. Fire and water don’t mix," Axer said with a smirk.
"Uh-oh…."
"Chimera, Aqualung, now!" Axer commanded.
"CHIMERA!" The beast opened its mouth and shot forth hundreds and hundreds of water bubbles. One of them went astray and crashed into Eve, popping and dousing her with water.
"No! I HATE water!" Eve shrieked. Her lower body began to disappear. "I’m melting! I’m MELTING! Oy, what a world…." There was a small sizzle, and then nothing but a puddle of mitochondriac goo remained of the villainess. The newly-freed Agents cheered. Eve’s Pokéballs popped open and her now-disowned Pokémon looked at Agent Axer pleadingly.
"Oh, alright," he said. "You can join me." Suddenly, Mitochondriachu began to shine, and it slowly shrank back to a regular Pikachu.
"Pika pika?[What the spoony just happened to me?]" Tears sprang to Solid Ekans’ eyes.
"Bob! My SOCOM Pikachu!"
"Pika pi![Hey! Wuzzup, Ekans? Man, haven’t seen you since CAM kidnapped me.]" Bob hopped onto his owner’s shoulder.
"Wow! Our mission is finally over, and we can have what’s inside the peanut butter box!" CAM said, picking up the chest
"That’s Pandora’s Box," the Captain said menacingly, raising a hand.
"Hey, Axer, you know how to open it?" Gray Fox asked.
"No," Axer said sadly. "But there is an inscription inside: ‘When the being of Darkness inside truly intends to open the chest it will reveal itsef once eating its own eikniwt.’"
"Eikniwt…that sounds familiar," Agent Artemis said. Solid Ekans’ CODEC went off, and he wordlessly pressed [SELECT].
"It’s me, Pokémaniac," the voice on the other end said.
"I’m getting tired of this. Who are you?"
"You’ll find out…right now." A door slid open, and a man walked in. "Greetings, Solid Ekans," he said.
"Hey!" Ekans said. "I know you! You’re-"
"Sepheratus?!" Axer exclaimed.
"Yeah…also known as Pokémaniac. But I prefer to be called Agent Castor. But we can’t waste any time, we have to get out of here."
"Let me guess…something bad’s going to happen, right?" Ekans asked.
"How’d you know?"
"Call it a hunch."
"Anyways," Castor said, "they’ll be here any minute."
"Who?" Blues asked.
"Us!" A group of figures jumped down from the ceiling. They all could have passed as the Agents’ twins, save for their unique weapons and goatees.
"We’re the evil Agents from a parallel universe," evil Benit stated matter-of-factly.
"So? What are you doing here?" the Captain asked dismissively.
"We need that treasure chest and the tea inside," the evil Captain explained. "Once we have it, we can exploit its popularity and make Submarine Village the most popular Brave Fencer Musashi poetry site on the Net."
"There’s really a poetry site about me?" Musashi asked happily. "Shucks…."
"Shut up already! Let’s just, like, fight already and get that box!" evil Artemis said.
The Cosmic Fire twanged as Gray Fox fired an arrow at his double. Evil Gray Fox jumped out of the way and countered with his own weapon, a bottled water beverage known as the Raging Water. Gray Fox blinked in confusion as a fine spray of water hit him.
"For an evil counterpart, you have a really cheesy weapon."
"Hey, you dissin’ my water? That’s it, eat PhilosoTRUTH!" The limit break flare surrounded evil Gray Fox. "Bats are nocturnal animals. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Earth is the third planet away from the sun." Good Gray Fox crossed his arms and slowly tapped his foot on the floor.
"You call that a limit? See how you like this one…PhilosoBS! How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?"
"Urrgh…confusion…." Evil Gray Fox passed out on the floor.
"This’ll hurt ya," Benit said, taking out the Saturn Rhapsody.
"I doubt it," evil Benit said, taking out her short mace Jupiter Thesis. Benit stabbed with her glaive, but evil Benit jumped out of the way. The copy swung the Jupiter Thesis, but Benit parried. She twirled the Saturn Rhapsody around and slammed her double in the nose with the blunt end. Evil Benit was shocked to see blood dripping to the floor.
"You’ll pay for that!" Her limit aura shot up.
"Not likely!" Benit said, her own aura building.
"Great Depression!" A black cloud covered the area as the stock market crashed, making everything near-worthless.
"Gold Rush!" Millions of dollars worth of gold and jewels poured out, cancelling the Great Depression.
"Hmph! You can’t beat me!" evil Benit said. "Evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb!"
"Maybe, but I’ve got something you don’t."
"And what’s that?"
"THIS!" The loud thwok echoed through the room as evil Agent Benit crumpled due to good Agent Benit’s minting machine.
"So, if you’re my opposite," Artemis said, "you must be really stupid."
"Duh! I ain’t stupid!" evil Artemis said, drawing out her nunchaku, Old Man’s Dentures.
"Your inability to speak properly proves my points," Artemis said coolly.
"Duh, whatever! Let’s, like, fight about it!"
"If you say so." Evil Artemis twirled the nunchaku and knocked good Artemis’ sais from her hands. She grinned stupidly.
"Think, Artemis…," the good Agent said to herself.
"Like, uh, what’cha doin’?"
"Eat Artemis Reply!
"Like, okay! Artemis Question!" Red battle flares shot up around both evil and good Agent.
"Using quantum physics and the asymmetry theory, we can conclude…blah…blah…blah…," Artemis rambled.
"Quantum physics? Asymmetry theory? What’re those? Blah…blah…blah…," her copy countered.
"This isn’t working," the good Agent said. "Time for Plan B." She raised her fingers. "Vulcan Eye Poke!"
"Ow!" Evil Agent Artemis fell to the floor.
"I don’t believe you would eat a tofu bar over a delicious Twinkie! That’s utter blasphemy!" CAM cried.
"At least I don’t turn into a hideous beast if I don’t get my fix," evil CAM said coolly.
"Yeah?! Well…um…yeah! I’m gonna kick your sorry hiney!" CAM cracked his whips about.
"Oh, dear me, I’m scared." Evil CAM flipped around a pair of daggers. CAM lashed his whips outward in an effort to entwine his foe, but missed. Evil CAM threw a well-aimed dagger, neatly slicing CAM’s right whip in two. The good Agent threw the useless half to the floor.
"Beat Down!" he yelled.
"Beat Up!" the copy yelled back. CAM leapt at evil CAM, snapping the whip around. Evil CAM jumped high in the air and began slashing wildly with his other dagger. The good Agent fell back. His remaining whip fell apart. Evil CAM grinned maliciously.
"Eat THIS!" He threw his dagger straight at CAM’s forehead. The good Agent searched and his pockets, and withdrew a glowing Twinkie that had escape his noticed beforehand. He threw the Twinkie straight and true. It hit the dagger, dissolving it. The treat flew onward, and hit evil CAM with a wet smack.
"Arrrgh! I’m blind!"
"Too bad for you!" CAM took a gigantic mallet out of his Inventory and launched it toward his counterpart’s head.
"You know, I gained a bit of respect for you when you betrayed your friends," evil Agent Axer said, drawing his club Justitia, "but now, you are what’s classified as a MORON." Axer drew the Avenger.
"You’re the MORON here, pal, because I’m gonna kick your butt so hard my foot’ll come out your mouth," he said.
"I’ll be doing the butt-kicking here, fool."
"I don’t think so! Eat steel!" Agent Axer rushed his evil copy, swinging Avenger in large arcs. Evil Axer brought up Justitia to parry the good Agent’s blows, but in a matter of seconds the wood club was hacked to splinters.
"Rrr-gah! Hanw!" A limit break flare shot up around evil Axer, and a strong wind swept the good Axer forward. The goateed Agent launched a quick flurry of punches at Axer, who reeled backwards.
"Had enough?" evil Axer asked mockingly.
"Not quite…try this on for size! Unblockable potatoE!" The deadly vegetable whistled through the air.
"Aw man, this is gonna suck…." The potatoE impacted with the evil Agent’s head, and he fell to the floor unconscious.
"I can’t believe you actually like Goldeen Eye," evil Blues said, twirling his sword Esper menacingly.
"Hey, Goldeen Eye kicks spoony!" Blues said, taking out his own sword, Spectre. Both Agents swung their swords, and they clanged together, showering the floor with sparks. An intricate sword battle began and lasted for several minutes, neither good nor evil gaining the initiative. "Man, this isn’t going anywhere! Sword Dance!" Blues’ limit break activated.
"You won’t beat me! Blade Polka!" Evil Agent Blues dropped his sword and began to dance a peppy, blaring polka. Agent Blues ran up, jumped off his opponents chest and thrust his sword into the ground. The resulting wave of energy threw the evil copy into the far wall, knocking him out cold.
"Hmph. Unlike you, you freak of nature, I have some actual singing talent," evil Agent Neener announced.
"Oh yeah? Well, so blah! Nyeah nyeah nyeah nyeah nyeah!" good Agent Neener replied, sticking out her tongue.
"Of course, it is a fact. But you clearly won’t admit it," evil Agent Neener said, a slow grin spreading across her face.
"Admit what? Like, uh, that you think you have singing talent but actually you don't?"
"I'll prove it to you then." The evil Agent took a deep breath. "What you need? Baby I got it! What you want? You know I got it! All I'm askin' is a little respect, just a little bit, yeah, just a little bit, uh-huh--R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me...."
"So tell me what you want, what you really really want! So tell me what you want, what you really really want! I wanna...," sang the good Agent, shattering several control monitors. The singing war went on for a good deal longer, but soon Neener’s horriblly off-key singing of an already horrible song made her opponent buckle under the pressure and pass out. "Thank you... ," Agent Neener said. "Now, for my next piece…."
"Don't sing, PLEASE!" the other Agents pleaded.
"What? Why not?!" the Agent asked, throwing her arms into the air.
"Alright! I'll get you good!" Agent Castor exclaimed, facing his persona from another dimension. He blinked a few times. Nobody stood before him. He scatched the back of his neck nervously. "Well…don’t that just beat all?…."
"Nobody becomes my evil counterpart and gets away with it!" Agent Musika exclaimed, taking out his broken gatling gun.
"Hah! Same to you!" Evil Agent Musika took out his own gatling gun. Both Agents stood their ground, exchanging icy stares. Good Musika took the initiative and squeezed the trigger of the gun. Since it was broken, however, all it did was cough, sputter, and spin slowly around before stopping. Musika chuckled nervously, an anime sweatdrop appearing on his forehead.
"Dance! Dance for me, puppet!" Evil Musika opened fire with his gun and aimed at the floor. The good Agent Musika yelped, desperately dodging the hail of lead. The evil copy laughed cruelly. However, he failed to notice the red limit break aura.
"Eeeek! Help me!" Musika squealed girlishly as he activated his limit break. Two of his bodyguards from Corel Prison appeared out of nowhere and advanced towards the goateed Agent. He changed his aim to fire at the burly men, but the machine gun clicked, empty. The bodyguards growled, hitting their huge fists together.
"Mommy…." The men jumped him, and a large cloud of dust rose, limbs sticking out of it at irregular intervals. Soon enough, the burly guards disappeared, leaving evil Agent Musika with stars spinning around his head.
"So, the head of Submarine Village versus the webmaster of Rocket Town. You realize that I'm gonna win because my site is so much better than yours," evil Agent the Captain said.
"Yeah right! Who the spoony cares about Brave Fencer Musashi poetry?" good Agent the Captain asked.
"Hey, I’m right here!" Musashi said.
"That’s your own fault," the Captain snapped.
"Prepare yourself!" The evil Captain took out a whiskey bottle and smashed it against a wall.
"Fine by me." The Captain took out his contact lens and smashed it against a wall. "Gimme your best shot!" The evil Agent blinked in surprise, and began to laugh. The Captian frowned and tossed the ocular accessory to the floor. "Now's my chance…." He raised his hands to the sky as a limit break aura appeared.
"Not so fast, goody-goody! Submarine Village!" The evil Captain unleashed his limit. The Captain covered his head, expecting to be buried in a landslide of mail. Instead, a single letter popped from a small hole in the ceiling and slowly drifted to the Captain’s hands. He read it, confused.
"‘Send this 2 15 people or u will get bad luck 4 life.’ What the spoony? A chain letter? What kind of karpy limit break is that?!" he asked, amazed.
"Sorry," the evil Agent said sadly, "but that’s the only mail that Submarine Village gets…."
"Oh yeah? Well, let me show you how it’s done!" The ceiling became a swirling void. In an instant, the evil Agent the Captain disappeared under an avalanche of Rocket Town-related e-mails. Just as the CG requests hit, the evil Agent passed out.
"Ha! Take this!" Solid Ekans shouted, swinging the Progressive Fish at his counterpart.
"Not fast enough!" Evil Solid Ekans blocked the attack with his Starmie, Unprogressive Urchin. The evil Agent slashed with the Pokémon-related weapon, but Solid Ekans easily dodged. He tossed some C4 at his enemy’s back, but evil Ekans deflected the explosives with the Unprogressive Urchin. Evil Ekans countered by tossing the Starmie, shuriken-style. Good Ekans ducked out of the way. "Will you stand still so I can kill you?" the malevolent Agent hissed, catching the returning weapon.
"Sorry, bub, I'm high on life." Bob the SOCOM Pikachu hopped to the floor. "Hold on to your (pidgey)! Bob, get ‘im!"
"PIKACHU!" The Pokémon released a massive electrical storm from his tail. Evil Solid Ekans’ hair stood on end.
"Ow...," he groaned. He tipped over and hit the ground with a thud.
"Good job, everyone!" Musashi exclaimed, clapping.
"Thanks," Axer said, wiping his forehead. "Don’t you have an evil counterpart?"
"Well, Kojiro, probably, but he’s such a loser that he didn’t show up."
"Hey…they’re all disappearing…," Agent Blues said, pointing at the defeated evil Agents. Sure enough, they were fading away. As soon as they vanished entirely, Pandora’s Box began to shake violently.
"It’s moving. I wonder why," Gray Fox said.
"Yeah! Peanut butter time!" CAM grinned largely as he approached the chest.
"That’s Pandora’s Box," the Captain said threateningly. Everyone froze in place and watched silently, save for CAM, who was still slowly moving toward to shaking chest. It suddenly creaked open, and a black object, radiating green/black energy, floated out.
"Is that a tea bag or something?" Benit asked, squinting.
"No," Musika said, "it looks like…like a black…Twinkie."
"Oh no!" Artemis shouted, her eyes growing wide. "It can’t be?"
"What’s wrong?" Castor asked. "It’s just a mysterious black Twinkie with evil energy radiating from it."
"Don’t you understand?!" Agent Artemis began to furiously pace. "‘When the Darkness inside opens the chest it will reveal itself once eating its own eikniwt.’ That’s Twinkie spelled backwards, and Darkness means the Wizard of Darkness! You see? Once CAM eats that Twinkie, Dark Lumina will be entirely free!"
"No, CAM! Don’t eat it!" Solid Ekans yelled. CAM didn’t seem to hear him.
"Oh, my sweet morsel of unimaginably yummy goodness," CAM said, grasping the black Twinkie, "I hold you in my hands once more." He began to raise it to his mouth.
"Slow motion effect ON!" Axer shouted as the Agents began to run toward CAM.
"Noo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo!" the Captain shouted slowly.
"Iiiittttt’ssss thheeee eeeeennnnddddd offfff thheeee woooorrrrrrllllddd aaassss weeeeee knoooooowwwww iiiitttttt," Agent Neener slowly sang, still horribly off key.
"Jiiiimmmiiiii ruuuulllleeeessss!" Gray Fox said, leaping into the air at CAM. CAM took a slow bite out of the Twinkie, and everybody froze, even the currently-in-mid-air Gray Fox. CAM swallowed the rest of the Twinkie whole and licked his fingers.
"Mmm, that was tasty!"
"It has begun," a voice said from deep inside the Agent.
"What? Who said that?"
"It has begun," the voice repeated. "The time is now for me to be rid of this fleshly vessel and destroy the world!" There was a bright flash of light, and CAM was thrown against a wall. A dark, pulsating orb rose out of him and floated in the middle of the room. It crackled with lightning, and began to take shape. Musashi grabbed the chest and ran out of the room with it.
"We have to get out of here!" he yelled. Solid Ekans helped CAM to his feet, and the Agents ran up a short flight of stairs after Musashi.
Scene 48:
Setting: the top of Soda Fountain
Time: 2:54 PM
A long stone walkway stretched before the Agents, a large circular platform in the distance. Suddenly, the wall behind them exploded outward.
"GO!" Musashi yelled. The Agents took off at a dead run. The demonic-looking Dark Lumina floated behind them, destroying the walkway. It laughed hoarsely. Finally, the Agents gained a small lead and scrambled onto the platform.
"Musashi!" a voice said. "You have kept me waiting forever…as always."
"Kojiro?! You’re still alive?" Musashi asked incredulously.
"You think you can beat me that easily? Ha! You cheated the last time we met!"
"Yeah right! You lost last time because you’re such a loser."
"A loser?! That’s it!" Kojiro drew his katana. "Musashi, get ready to perish!"
"I really hate to break this up," Blues said quickly, "but we have to get out of here before we get pulverized!" It was too little, too late, however. Dark Lumina reached the platform and sent Musashi skittering away from Kojiro with a blast of power. It captured Kojiro in a red beam and began to absorb him.
"What’s happening?" Musika asked, frightened.
"Oh no…not again! The Wizard is absorbing Kojiro’s personality so he can turn into Dark Lumina 2!" Musashi said, getting to his feet. Dark Lumina roared and spread its arms to the sky. It began to slowly change into a dragon. Musashi whimpered. Soon, the transformation was complete and Dark Lumina 2 roared.
"DUEL…AGENTS. GET…READY…TO…PERISH!"
"Ack! We’re all gonna DIE!" CAM screamed. Gray Fox suddenly ran off toward another walkway.
"Come on!" he said. "We’ll face it at the very top of the tower!" The Agents followed him, and he began jumping a spiralling series of platforms leading upward. Dark Lumina occasionally jumped at the group, knocking the platforms loose. After a mad scramble up the tower, the group reached the highest point of Soda Fountain, another circular platform surrounded by green Bincholoid cystals. Dark Lumina leapt upward and landed in the middle, nearly knocking the Agents off.
"You have to hit that gem on its forehead to kill it!" Musashi yelled.
"You’ve defeated it before!" Artemis cried. "You do it!"
"Uh…I think my work here is done!" Musashi disappeared as the effects of the Reference Adder Materia wore off.
"You spoony bard!" the Captain shouted, raising his fists to the stormy sky. Dark Lumina let out a wild roar, and it swung its whip-like tail at the Agents, who jumped out of the way. It tried again, but again the Agents dodged.
"Yay! Like, jump rope, heehee!" Agent Neener said enthusiastically. "ABCDEFG, I had plastic surgery!"
"In your voice box," Blues muttered.
"This has to end sometime," Axer said, hopping over the beast’s tail again.
"Use these, guys!" CAM tossed each of the Agents a Twinkie.
"I thought you were all out!" Ekans said.
"I thought I was too! But I forgot I had a stash in my secret pocket!"
"Great, but what are we supposed to do with them?" Musika asked, jumping over the tail again.
"I think Agent CAM is trying to tell us that if we throw enough Twinkies into Dark Lumina’s mouth, it will get indigestion and die because Twinkies have absolutely nothing natural in them," Artemis said.
"Uh…sure," CAM said, who had in fact had an entirely different plan in mind. Dark Lumina finally stopped whipping its tail around and turned to face the Agents. It roared.
"Go!" Gray Fox yelled. The Agents hurled their Twinkies into the mouth of the creature in perfect unison. It swallowed the Twinkies, and suddenly stopped roaring. It clutched its stomach in pain, groaned, and fell over with a crash. A dimensional rift opened, and two shadowed figures stepped out.
"Like, how dare you hurt me and my friend Glover here?" the slimmer figure asked. The other figure, shaped like a hand, shook one finger in agreement.
"Oh my (pidgey)!" Solid Ekans gasped.
"It’s Yuffie and Glover!" the Agents shouted.
"That’s right," Yuffie said, readying her shuriken. "It’s time for revenge, and now we’ll use our awesome combined power to kick your hineys to Bahamut." Dark Lumina suddenly roared, and it exploded outward. A small ball of intensely glowing light remained. It began to draw in everything in its vicinity. The Agents scrambled out of reach, but Yuffie and Glover were sucked inside. There was a huge flash of light, and the group was transported to a mysterious void, full of swirling multi-colored clouds.
Scene 49:
Setting: ???
Time: 3:12 PM
Estuans interius
esuritio vehementi
[Burning inside with violent hunger]
Estuans interius
esuritio vehementi
[Burning inside with violent hunger]
Yuffieroth!
Yuffieroth!
Estuans interius
esuritio vehementi
[Burning inside with violent hunger]
Estuans interius
esuritio vehementi
[Burning inside with violent hunger]
Yuffieroth!
Yuffieroth!
Venter immanis
et inanis
[Stomach-monstrous and empty]
Venter immanis
et inanis
[Stomach-monstrous and empty]
Estuans interius
esuritio vehementi
[Burning inside with violent hunger]
Estuans interius
esuritio vehementi
[Burning inside with violent hunger]
Yuffieroth!
Yuffieroth!
(Chorus 1)
Veni, veni, venias
ne me mori facias
[Come, come, O come, do not let me die]
(Chorus 2)
Gloriosa, generosa
[Glorious and noble one]
"That’s almost exactly the same song from FFVII," Ekans said. "But there’s weird references about being hungry." The clouds overhead parted, and Yuffie floated downward. Her lower body was a mass of wings and feathers. Her left arm had been replaced by a mutated purple wing, and her right arm had Glover over its hand. A shining gem stood out on her forehead.
"Gah…that thing is awful," Axer said.
"The Twinkies we fed Dark Lumina made it hungry for more, I guess," Artemis said. "After it absorbed Yuffie and Glover, we got this thing: Safer Yuffie."
"You IDIOT!" the Captain screamed at CAM. "IT’S YOUR FAULT THE WIZARD OF DARKNESS GOT RELEASED, AND IT WAS YOUR STUPID IDEA TO FEED IT THOSE TWINKIES! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE THANKS TO YOU!!"
"How was I supposed to know this would happen?! Geez…." CAM grumbled something.
"You’re, like, gonna die and stuff!" Safer Yuffie growled. "And, like, give me more Twinkies!"
"We’re gonna attack it full force!" Agent Axer drew Avenger and rushed toward Yuffie, the sword posied to pierce her midsection. Yuffie flicked him away with her Glover hand. Agent Benit came up from behind, twirling the Saturn Rhapsody. Safer Yuffie whirled and sent her reeling. Blues, meanwhile, had leapt into the air and was bringing down his sword on the gem. Yuffie unleashed an energy blast, sending him twirling through the clouds until he hit the ground hard.
"How, like, smart of you to aim for the gem!" Yuffie gurgled.
"The gem must be her weakness too," Artemis said. She leaped high into the air and swooped toward the gem with sais drawn. Yuffie saw her and flapped her wing. A gust of wind blew Artemis back to the ground. Gray Fox ran up from behind Yuffie and slid under her on his back. He aimed the Cosmic Fire and shot at Yuffie. The arrow lodged itself in her forehead right next to the gem. She roared and tore it out, balling her Glover hand into a fist to crush the Gray Fox. He shoulder-rolled out of the way.
"What should I do?" Castor cried. "I don’t have any weapons."
"Do what I’m gonna do!" Agent Neener removed a pogo stick from her Inventory and began to bounced around Safer Yuffie. "Boingy, boingy, boingy, and, like, boingy! Hee!"
"Like, gah! You’re so, like, annoying!" Safer Yuffie launched an energy blast at Neener, who hopped out of the way. Yuffie furrowed her brow in frustration. She fired several more blasts. Neener dodged all of them. CAM saw an opportunity and lashed out with his whips. They wrapped themselves around Yuffie’s arms, incapacitating her. "Ooh, like, that’s a good move!" she said.
"Hurry!" CAM shouted. "Get her!" The Captain rused Yuffie with his newfound weapon, the Rapier Wit. Solid Ekans tossed some C4 at the gem then took out Bob the SOCOM Pikachu.
"Pika!" He unleashed an electrical jolt. Yuffie suddenly jerked the whips. CAM flew forward and slammed into the Captain. The Captain flew backwards and was hit by Bob’s attack.
"Owwwwww," he said, hair on end. Safer Yuffie caught Ekans’ C4 and threw it back at him.
"Oh (pidgey)," Ekans said, closing his eyes. There was a sudden clank. The C4 exploded. Solid Ekans opened his eyes. A huge, stock form stood in front of him.
"Don’t worry, guys!" A familiar voice called. "Me and Seibzehn will take care of the rest!"
"Agent Aya?…." Axer asked groggily, getting to his feet.
"Don’t land so close next time!" Solid Ekans said, backing away quickly. "You almost crushed me!"
"Heh…sorry." An anime sweatdrop rolled down Aya’s face. "But really, let me handle this." The Gear whirred and moved forward toward Safer Yuffie. Yuffie grinned evilly. Seibzehn began to hum. "Attack Level Infinity!" Aya said grandly. The Gear stretched out its arms, and its fists began to whirl. It rocketed forward and landed punch after punch on Safer Yuffie. Its fingers opened and followed up with a spray of bullets. Seibzehn then produced a gigantic mallet and smashed its foe over the head with it. Unfortunately, Yuffie stood unfazed.
"Like, I’ll give you points for trying. But that, like, won’t work against me." She grabbed Seibzehn with her Glover hand. She swung the Gear around, faster and faster, then released it. It broke through the clouds and flew out of the atmosphere, heading toward the sun.
"This isn’t funny!" Agent Aya cried.
"Now, because, like, you won’t give me Twinkies, I’ll, like, use my limit break and destroy you." A red limit flare shot up around Yuffie.
"Holy Twinkies!" CAM said. "You can’t do that!"
"Why, like, not?" Yuffie asked.
"Because…uh…." CAM looked at the other Agents for support. They shrugged at him.
"Oh well, like, you’re gonna die now! So, like, have fun!" Yuffie activated her limit break. "Like, super duper atomic alpha beta omega mega hyper limit break with no name!" The swirling clouds were replaced by a starfield. Strange symbols flew by; there were things written in the Greek alphabet, Roman sayings, and even a few English sentences, ‘Jimi rules!’ and ‘I pity th’ foo’!’ A large comet careened through the stars and approached the planet Pluto, which had the words ‘Refrigerate After Opening’ etched on its surface. It zoomed straight by Pluto, Neptune and Uranus, then headed for Saturn. It smashed through its rings. The comet headed for Jupiter next and bored a hole straight through the center of the planet. Meanwhile, an astronomer noticed this anamoly. He picked up the phone.
"Hi, it’s me. You know that planet Jupiter? Well, it’s not Jupiter anymore. Seriously, you could I say I discovered it. It’s called the Donut Planet." The comet continued onward, zooming right past Mars.
"Watch where you’re going!" Mars said, magically able to talk. "Sunday drivers…sheesh!" Somewhere in the vicinity of the Planet, Aya was heading for the sun inside Seibzehn.
"At this rate, I’ll hit the sun in a few hours," she said. "Maybe I can find a way back to the Planet." However, she did not notice the comet directly behind her. It impacted with the Gear, but instead of hitting it away it picked it up. The comet flew past the remaining planets and headed straight for the sun. "This isn’t funny either!" Agent Aya screamed just as both she and the celestial body slammed into the sun. The gaseous surface of the sun began to expand and contort. There was a flash of light, and the sun began to rapidly expand. It swallowed Mercury and Venus entirely, and approached the Planet. Just as neared, the sun went nova. The resulting light show was so bright the Agents were forced to don their Blues Brothers specs. Then the giant projection screen went blank, and the clouds returned. The Agents leapt off their lawn chairs and broke into applause.
"Wow! That movie-type limit break was awesome!" Blues said.
"Yeah!" Musika said excitedly. "It’s like going to an observatory and learning about space!"
"Bravo! Encore!" Gray Fox cheered.
"That’s enough!" Safer Yuffie boomed. She packed up the projection screen and pushed it aside. "Hmph! That may have just, like, been a movie for you all to watch, but, like, I can still kill you!"
"Bring it on!" the Agents shouted. Their limit breaks simultaneously activated.
"PhilosoBS!" Gray Fox began to shout his nonsensical ramblings.
"Gold Rush!" The sky above Yuffie opened and millions of dollars worth of gold and stones poured out.
"Artemis Reply!" Artemis began to confound Yuffie with debate replies.
"Beat Down!" CAM yelled, unleashing the twin fury of his whips.
"Wnah!" Axer hollered as the Wnah spirit barreled toward Yuffie.
"Being a Pansy!" Musika’s bodyguards appeared and approached the villainess.
"MGS/Parappa Ref Hyper Combo!" Solid Ekans launched into a gratuitous Parappa rap sequence.
"Rocket Town!" Tons and tons of mail fell towards Yuffie.
"Let’s, like, go team! Fight, fight, and, like, fight!" Neener said, waving some pompoms as she had no real limit break.
"I uh…I don’t have a limit break either." Agent Castor half-heartedly shook his own pompom. Before the limit breaks connected, though, the Highwind shot through the clouds, dispersing them It was still shooting out jam. The Agents found themselves back on the top of Soda Fountain. The airship lurched drunkenly and slammed onto the ground next to them, sending up a shower of sparks. A fountain of jam shot up and completely covered Yuffie. Then the limits hit. The combined force was so devestating that the delicate balance of space-time was thrown entirely out of synch in the area around Safer Yuffie. Due to this, the jam coating quickly dried to the consistency of amber. The Agents blinked. Inside the clear purple coating, Yuffie had been cast into a deep sleep. Suddenly, Cid popped out of a hatch on the Highwind, covered in jam himself. He brushed some of it away, disgusted.
"Hey, guys," he said. "I see you made it alright." Agent Axer picked up Pandora’s Box where Musashi had dropped it before disappearing. Miraculously, it had survived.
"That was unexpected," Gray Fox said.
"Yeah." CAM took a victory Twinkie out of his secret pocket. "Whoda thunk Yuffie woulda been encased in an amber-like jelly?"
"Hey, guys, look!" Axer shouted. Pandora’s Box again began to shake wildly. Axer dropped the chest, and everyone readied their weapons. The lid creaked open, and something shining with a white light floated it. It bowed.
"Greetings, everyone!" the tiny figure said in an equally tiny voice. "I am a messenger of peace and I bring good tidings to you." The Agents looked at each other, confused.
"What the %&*%$#$#%@@@##^%(*& are you?!" Cid yelled at it.
"I am a messenger of peace and I bring good tidings to you," it repeated. Artemis kneeled before it and took out her magnifying glass.
"Well…it appears to be…."
"To be a what?" the Captain asked.
"It appears to be a tea bag."
"What?!" Benit asked incredulously. "A talking tea bag?"
"We went through all this just for a tea bag?!" Gray Fox asked.
"Please, everyone, settle down," the tea bag said. "I am a messenger of peace and I bring good tidings to you all." The Agents looked at each other again, then back at the tea. A slow grin spread across their faces.
Scene 50:
Setting: The Highwind
Time: 1:03 the next day
Cid and the Agents had managed to get rid of enough of the jam to allow them the Highwind to fly through its bomb bay, but the weight of it had destroyed Soda Fountain. After a narrow escape and a good night’s sleep, the Agents were gathered around the bridge again in high spirits.
"Cool! Jimi’s back!" Gray Fox said happily.
"Enough about Jimi already! I think I’d rather hear Neener sing than you go on about Jimi," Axer said irritably.
"Aw, you’re just jealous," Gray Fox said with a grin.
"Hey, my singing isn’t bad!" Neener said, shocked. "See? This is the song that never ends, and it goes on and on and on-mmph!" A well-aimed Pokéball landed in her mouth, courtesy of Axer.
"On second thought, let’s hear some more about Jimi."
"Can someone help me with the last level of Final Pokémon Solid?" CAM asked. "Anybody?" He ate a Twinkie.
"Lemme try," Castor said, taking the PlayStation™ controller.
"I pity th’ foo’ who can’t play Final Pokémon Solid," Mr. T muttered.
"More jam and crackers?" Shera asked sweetly, shoving a tray of them under Blues’ nose.
"No thanks," he said. "I’m pretty stuffed."
"We have a ten year supply of jam. SO EAT IT!" Shera boomed.
"O-Okay…," Blues said meekly, taking a cracker.
"This tea is exquisite," Artemis said, sipping the tea made from the bag inside Pandora’s Box.
"You said it!" Benit replied, upgrading with her minting machine.
"Yeah, this tea is DAMNED good," Cid said, raising his mug. "Best I’ve ever had in my life."
"So, does anybody have plans now that our adventures are over?" Solid Ekans asked, playing with Bob.
"I got a letter from Hostess," CAM said. "They want me to star in all their commericials. I got a ten year contract and a lifetime supply of Twinkies."
"As for me," Axer began, leaning back and putting his feet onto a table, "I’m going to try to become the world’s greatest Pokémon trainer. There’s already a North Crater Pokémon league and gyms in Midgar, Junon, Corel, Gongaga, Cosmo Canyon, Nibelheim and, of course, Rocket Town."
"I wonder who’s the trainer in Rocket Town?" Cid asked, hiding a dragon Pokémon in his pocket.
"Isn’t it you, Cid?" Shera asked.
"Shut up…," Cid said quietly.
"I’m setting up a business selling unique coins," Benit said. "I hope I can start a craze like those digital pets."
"I got a contract with Deaf Tone records!" Neener said excitedly. "They, like, like my singing and want to start a new trend with me!" The Agents paled.
"The guy in charge of the Shanghai Inn’s retiring, so I’m starting my own bar there," Gray Fox said. "It’s called Fox’s Den."
"I just thought of something," Artemis said, getting out of her chair.
"What’s that?" CAM asked, alternately eating his Twinkie and sipping his tea.
"What happened to Safer Yuffie? We entirely forgot to get rid of the jelly she was encased in."
"Um…," Gray Fox said nervously.
Far, far away, on Cactuar Island, a giant creature encased in jam was being excavated.
"Excellent!" a mysterious person said. "Now that I’ve found a specimen, I can finally start that theme park littered with creatures made using its genetic code! I will call this place…Jurassic Park!"
"Um…that name’s kinda taken," one of the workers said.
"Oh well, then," the person said. "Just load it onto the trucks and we’ll think of a name later. I have some business to attend to in Midgar now."
"Understood," the worker said. The man entered his private helicopter, and it immediately lifted off. He craned his head and looked out the window. The specimen was being loaded onto the gigantic freight truck headed for the park’s contruction site several miles away.
"Looks pretty ugly," the man said. "But also strangely familiar. I think I’ll call it…Yuffie Kisaragi."
THE END
Cast:
CAM as Agent CAM
Benit as Agent Benit
Axer as Agent 7561/Agent Axer
Princess Artemis as Agent Artemis
Castor Troy as Agent Castor
The Captain as Agent the Captain
Gray Fox as Agent Gray Fox
Brandon ‘TCA’ as Agent Solid Ekans
Medina as Agent Neneer
Blues as Agent Blues-007
Tonamel as Agent Musika
Mr. T as Himself
Jimi Hendrix as Himself
? as Agent "the Classified"
Eve as Herself
Aya Brea as Agent Aya
Yuffie Kisaragi as the many forms of Yuffie
Robo as the Pimpinator
Billy Lee Black as Billy Lee: Man of Action
Sasaki Kojiro as Agent Kojiro
The Legendary Hero Brave Fencer Musashi as Agent Musashi
Thanks Yous
All my fellow FPS authors, for enabling me to have one heckuva time writing this and taking part in the original.
Axer, for forcing me to work on this harder than anybody else did.
Benit, for actually caring if I got any sleep while I was writing this.
Special Thanks
The Captain, for creating Rocket Town and the Kitchen in the first place.
CAM, for starting this entire crazy story, even if it was an accident.
Mr. Tibbs, for convincing me it wouldn’t hurt to eat once in a while.
--Gray Fox
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