Final Pokémon Solid

Section 5

Scene 41:

Setting: The Gold Saucer

Time: 6:00 PM

The door to Dio’s office swung open silently, and Billy Lee: Man of Action stepped in. He bowed humbly to his mistress, who was seated across the desk from Dio himself.

"President Eve," Billy said, "as you have predicted, the Agents are headed for this very location." Eve steepled her fingers.

"Excellent," she said in a Mr. Burns type of voice. She waved her hand dismissively. "Begone now, my faithful lackey. I have business to conduct with Dio here." Billy Lee bowed again, and walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him. The owner of the massive fun park resumed.

"So, we are in agreement, then? You publish the third installment of my autobiography, ‘Dio and the Golden Days,’ and I agree to give you a large number of free shares in the Gold Saucer."

"I accept your offer," Eve said. She stuck out her mutated arm, and Dio stuck out his normal one. They shook hands.

Fool! He thinks he’ll get more money out of this, but the shares are worth far more than his karpy autobiography, Eve thought.

Fool! She thinkks she’ll gete more money out of this, but my autobiography is worth far more than her petty shares in the Gold Saucer, Dio thought. Eve stood up gracefully.

"Good evening, then, and a pleasure doing business with you." She started to float out, but then paused. "Oh, and Dio?" The man looked up from some paperwork. "Get some pants."

Agent Axer, who had assumed the unappointed role of the leader of the group, waved his hands. The Agents turned to look at him, save for Benit, who was distributing the GP.

"Alright, everyone," Axer said. "Remember, we’re not here to have fun, but to find Eve." The group ignored him as they began to drift apart toward the tubes all around the terminal.

"A relaxing gondola ride would be nice," Agent Artemis said, walking toward the tube for Round Square.

"Oh, goody! The Event Square! Time to wow everyone with my incredible singing talent!" Agent Neener cried, and she hopped into the tube leading to the Event Square.

"Hey, the Battle Arena! Jimi, let’s go and kick some donkey!" Agent Gray Fox and Jimi slid down to the Battle Square.

"Whoa, I’m getting low on Twinkies! I’m gonna go stock up at the store at the Ghost Hotel!" Agent CAM dove down the tube to Ghost Square head first.

"Yeah, they’ve got a roller coaster! Speed Square, here I come!" Agent Solid Ekans dashed into the tube for the aforementioned Square.

"I’ll go double or quintuple my money by betting on the Chocobo races," Agent Benit said confidently. She disappeared toward the Chocobo Square.

"I’m heading to Wonder Square to play some games. Maybe they have that new Goldeen Eye shooter," Agent Blues said, and he bounced through the tube to Wonder Square.

"I…uh…am also…uh…going to the Chocobo Square, but, uh…I’m not…a secret racer…or anything," Cid said nervously as he snuck through the tube to Chocobo Square.

"I pity th’ foo’ who can’t make decisions," Mr. T said. He walked over to the information computer. As he moved the cursor to select the options, the computer made a Chocobo warking sound. Mr. T found this very amusing. Agent Axer stood in the middle of the Gold Saucer terminal, surprised at how quickly he had been abandoned.

"Oh well…I guess I’ll go to Wonder Square and see if they have any Pokémon," he sighed, and slid down after Agent Blues.

The Pimpinator gave a low bow as his malevolent mistress entered the secret room. He was significantly battered after his encounter with Solid Ekans’ C4 flinging limit break.

"President Eve, they have gone their separate ways, just as you you predicted," he said.

"Fabulous!" Eve slammed her fist onto her desk for dramatic effect. "Now, capture them and bring them to a dank, dark place," she ordered.

"To tell you the truth, the only place around here that comes close to being dank and dark is the desert prison right below us," the Pimpinator informed Eve.

"Then toss them down there!" Eve commanded, slamming down her fist again.

"Yes, President. Billy Lee: Man of Action and I will commence right away."

"Alright, get to work!" Eve slammed her fist down on the desk for the third time, only to recoil in pain. "Ow…," she said as the Pimpinator left, "I didn’t know dramatic effects could be so painful." She blew on her hand, trying to relieve the intense pain.

Agent Artemis leaned back as the Gondola drifted above the Gold Saucer, amidst fireworks, balloons and racing Chocobos.

"Oh yeah, there’s nothing like a relaxing ride to take your mind away from the perils of being an Agent." Suddenly, something whizzed through the window, attached to a fishing line. Artemis peered at it. It was a small piece of folded paper, with ‘Secret Inredients for Twinkies’ printed on it in block letters. The Agent’s eyes grew wide, and she leapt on the note with bestial fury. Not too far away, however, Billy Lee: Man of Action was sitting on a lawn chair, with generic fishing outfitting and equipment. He felt a sudden tug on his rod.

"Whoa Primera! This feels like a big one!" He began to reel in his catch. Artemis was still trying to read the ingredients when Billy Lee tossed a large burlap bag over her head and tied her up.

Agent CAM wandered through the Ghost Square. Ghouls and demons lurked about throughout a graveyard, all shrouded in an eerie green fog. CAM peered at one of the tombstones, reading, ‘Here lies Agent Aya: May she rest in peace, again, and again, and again….’ CAM shrugged and walked up the steep stairs to the hotel.

"Now, where was that store?" Much to his surprise, a Twinkie attached to a fishing hook dropped from the sky. "YES!" CAM cried. "It’s raining Twinkies!" He tried to grab the Twinkie, but it moved several inches away. "A wise guy, eh?" CAM grabbed for it again. It moved away again. CAM didn’t notice that he was being led until Billy Lee tied him up in another sack. Eve’s evil Agent smiled broadly.

"Okay," Agent Neener whispered to herself, "here’s my cue to enter." The part wasn’t at all difficult; all she had to do was act as a generic damsel in distress, who lived in a generic faraway kingdom, who came to marry her generic prince. It even came with a singing part, suiting her tastes. Neener glided onto the stage, where the other cast members were wrapped in their roles.

"Father, please give me permission to marry Eva," the prince said, kneeling before the king.

"I forbid it!" the king boomed. He swung his scepter, nearly beheading the prince. "You know what to happens to those that succumb to her beauty! They all die in horrible ways!" The prince walked over to Agent Neener.

"You don’t understand, father. It is she who has suffered through all of the problems."

"She is evil!" the king shouted. "Guard, grab her, and burn her at the stake!"

"Hey!" Eve shouted from the audience, "I’m not evil!" The cast members gave each other nervous looks, but continued. The prince threw himself between Neener and the guard, and faced the audience.

"Father! If you are sentencing her to death then I ask you, take my life along with hers!"

"Edward…," Agent Neener said gently. She turned to face the audience and raised her arms, launching into her majestic song.

"ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI, ALL COVERED WITH CHEESE! I LOST MY POOR MEATBALL, WHEN SOMEBODY…." The audience looked around, confused, then began throwing rotten fruit, cans, bottles and incendiary devices at the stage.

"At least when I sing I can combust people and cause writers’ block!" Eve screamed, throwing a bucket of popcorn. The Pimpinator ran onto the stage and flogged Agent Neener, who was still singing. He stuffed her into a bag and ran off stage, slinging the bag over his shoulder. The audience began to cheer loudly. The remaining cast members shrugged and took a bow.

The Chocobo Square was filled with crazy bettors, trying to pick a winner in the upcoming race. Agent Benit approached the booth and looked at the ratio board. Her eyes fixed on the Chocobo at the bottom of the list; the odds on it were 10,000,000 to 1. She poured out all her GP onto the counter in front of the attendant.

"I’d like to bet this all on ‘Choco Bronco,’" she said. The attendant gave Benit a puzzled look.

"The odds for that Chocobo winning are like the odds for Yuffie Kisaragi winning the Miss Universe pageant." Benit gritted her teeth.

"I said I would like to bet on the Choco Bronco."

"Okay," the attendant said dubiously. She produced a ticket and handed in to Benit. "Good luck. You’re gonna need it." Benit made disgusted noise, and looked at the race monitor. The riders were lined up in an orderly fashion, with the Choco Bronco as number 8. She looked closer. "You know…that Chocobo looks just like the one Cid made out of parts from the Tiny Bronco…and that rider almost looks like Cid, except he has a mask and a cloth over his head."

"When the %^&%&^%$$#$@#$%(^%&^$%%$#%@$$##$%#&#@!@#!$$*&^ is the race going to start?!" the rider of the Choco Bronco barked.

"Nah," Benit said, "that’s not Cid." The buzzer for the race start sounded, and the Chocobos shot off. Except the Choco Bronco. Agent Benit shook her fists at the screen. "C’mon, you stupid Chocobo! Run! Run run run!" The rider kicked the metallic Chocobo’s haunches lightly. A prodigiously-sized rocket launched appeared under the Choco Bronco’s tail feathers. It ignited, and the resulting sonic boom sent the other Chocobos spiralling off of the track into other sections of the Gold Saucer. With no competition remaining, the Choco Bronco was declared winner. "Alright!" Benit cheered.

"Damn! That was some race, wasn’t it?" a voice asked. Benit turned around, and saw Cid standing there, grinning foolishly.

"Yeah!" she said. "It was! So, did you bet on the Choco Bronco too?"

"Er…sure," Cid said nervously.

"Congratulations, you two!" the attendant said cheerfully. "You both get a prize from the GRAB bag!"

"The GRAB bag? What the %^%&^%^#$@#%^ is that?" Cid asked. The attendant ripped off her mask to reveal Eve.

"Okay, boys, GRAB ‘em!" Billy Lee and the Pimpinator leaped out from behind impossibly small hiding places and threw sacks over Benit and Cid’s heads.

The roller coaster sped, upside-down, through a large loop. A precise blast of twin lasers brought down a minaturized Hind D. Agent Solid Ekans cackled with glee. The car went up a steep rise in the tracks. As Ekans crested the top, he saw a large UFO hovering before him. He opened fire. Billy Lee, inside the shoddy craft, manuevered it so it was over the Agent’s head. He opened the hatch on the bottom, and Solid Ekans was slowly pulled inside.

Agent Gray Fox gave the thumbs-up sign and Jimi performed a quick riff on his Strat as the last enemy in the Battle Arena did the big pink-red boom. They both strode out confidently.

"Good show!" the attendant said. "You won, and received 14,000 BP! Your consolation prize is…a kidnapping!"

"What on Chikyuu?" Gray Fox asked. "A kidnap-mmffff!" Billy Lee pulled a sack over the Agent’s head, then moved on to Jimi. Eve removed her second attendant disguise.

"Boy, they’re easy to catch when they’re separated," she commented, "It’s almost like catching a bunch of separated Agents from the Gold Saucer."

"Uh…President Eve…," Billy Lee said apprehensively. Eve blinked and floated in place for a few seconds as she comprehended what she had just said. She glared at the Man of Action with evil intent.

"Um…I’m gonna go catch the remaining Agents now…," he said. Billy scurried for the exit, hoping that Eve would burn him.

Agent Blues-007 flopped onto the bench in Wonder Square. He had indeed found Goldeen Eye, available for play, but he had quickly exhausted his supply of GP. With nothing better to do, he lay there staring at the darkening sky, hoping that some GP would fall from it. A clank caught his attention, and Blues craned his head to see the Pimpinator dragging a large bag behind him.

"I pity th’ foo’ what kidnap me!" the bag said. Now, Blues was a smart Agent, and he quickly came to the conclusion that it was not at all normal for bags to speak, particularly not in Ebonics.

"Hey!" he yelled at the Pimpinator. The robot whirled.

"Damn! I would have bet my cane that he wouldn’t have found me!"

"What’re you doing here?" Blues asked. "I thought we pulverized you back at Kalm!" The Pimpinator buzzed evilly.

"Well, you thought wrong. Now, I shall summon my odd and deformed minions to attack you and place you in one of these burlap sacks we carry so many of!" He snapped his fingers, which gave off more of a ringing sound than a snap. Immediately, the air was filled with the sound of beating wings and a curious slapping. The Pimpinator raised his hands to the sky. "Come, my flying six-arsed monkies!" The bizarre creatures swooped down, placed the justifiably surprised Agent Blues into a sack, and flew off with him.

Agent Axer haggled with the GP Exchange girl in the Wonder Square arcade. He opened his hands, revealing his stash of GP.

"Could I get a Red Chocobo from Final Fantasy Tactics with this much?" he asked. The girl looked blankly at the currency, then at Axer.

"Excuse me," she said, "but I have to, uh, confer with my friends over there." She floated towards two other attendants. The floating bit struck Agent Axer as slightly odd, but he dismissed it as too much caffeine. The attendant said something, and the other two burst into peals of laughter. Axer thought he heard something akin to, ‘What a schmuck! He thinks he could buy a Red Chocobo with that much GP? Ha!’ He also dismissed this as too much caffeine. After a bit more hyena-esque laughter, the attendant floated over to him.

"I’m sorry," she said, "but with that amount of GP, you couldn’t buy a ball of lint, much less a Red Chocobo." Axer looked crestfallen. The attendant dragged out two dusty, battered Pokéballs. "Here. You can have one of these two: a Fat Chocobo, or our new and worthless Midget Chocobo." Agent Axer pondered for a while, and picked up one of the Pokéballs.

"I’ll take the Midget Chocobo." He placed the Pokéball and placed it in his Inventory. Suddenly, the other ball sprang open and a net flew out, entwining Axer. Eve quickly removed her current attendant costume and placed the struggling Agent into a sack. Billy Lee and the Pimpinator removed their attendant costumes, and shouldered the sack as they moved toward the Battle Arena.

"That’s all of them, President Eve." Billy Lee said. The triumvirate of evil stood over a dark hole at the back of the Battle Arena, with the words ‘Gateway to Heaven’ around its rim.

"Excellent," Eve said. "Move their sorry carcasses into position." Billy Lee and the Pimpinator moved the large number of sacks into a circle around the hole. Eve approached the largest one, which, of course, contained Mr. T.

"I hope all you Agents have fun down there!" She gave it a mighty kick. There was a snapping sound in her ankle. "OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!" she screamed. Eve limped around feebly, burning inanimate objects. Her lackeys exchanged nervous looks. "Don’t just stand there, you morons!" Eve barked. "Toss them in!" The evil Agents systematically tossed the good ones into the hole, then helped their handicapped mistress to the nearest doctor.

Scene 42:

Setting: Corel Prison

Time: 7:00 PM

The small house was beaten and decrepit, on the verge of crumbling. Perhaps contributing to this condition were the Agents, sitting inside and complaining.

"Nuts…I was just about to win some decent gil at the Chocobo races," Benit said, crestfallen.

"See?!" Agent Axer exclaimed. "If you had all listened to me instead of going off on your own, none of this would have happened!" CAM hiccuped, and reverted into the Wizard of Darkness.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM FREE, ONCE AGAIN!" He hiccuped again, and turned back to CAM.

"Did you say something, CAM?" Agent Artemis ask, looking up from the Twinkie she was currently examining.

"…I said something?" he asked confusedly.

"We’re all doomed!" Solid Ekans wailed.

"Is this the end of our wacky adventures?" Gray Fox pondered.

"I pity th’ foo who knocks us out and toss us in some desert jail!" Mr. T said.

"They took my guitar, man," Jimi moped.

"Cid…couldn’t you contact the Highwind?" Axer asked.

"I would, but they’ve got some damned good jamming in this place. It’s like a %^&%%$$#%#@$#&^%$&^ deathtrap." Cid noticed Benit staring at him. "What?!"

"You’re the secret rider of the Choco Bronco, aren’t you?" she asked.

"Huh?! Me? Uh…no…no way….definitely not." An anime sweatdrop trickled down the pilot’s forehead.

"Our heroes the Agents are trapped in a desert jail!" the mysterious announcer suddenly exclaimed from the sky. "Will they escape? Is this the end of their wacky adventures? Next time, on Final Pokémon Solid Z!" Gray Fox waved dismissivley.

"Go away. I think Goku got sent to the next dimension or something."

"Hey," Benit said, "don’t we have to win a Chocobo race or something to get out of here?"

"Uh…yeah. I think so," Cid said.

"Why the spoony didn’t you say that earlier?" Ekans asked incredulously.

"Duh!" Benit said. "We were all worried $%$@less! So, anyway, who’s gonna go up?"

"Don’t we have to ask the boss for permission?" Agent Artemis reminded her.

"Yeah, but Dyne’s dead," Axer said.

"Shoot!" Benit cursed. "He is! Now what?"

"It was your idea, sister!" Cid reminded her. "So think!"

"Alright, fine!" Benit said. "Let’s just go to the boss’ trailer!" Having no better ideas, the Agents shrugged and moved out of the house toward the trailer. However, they noticed upon stepping inside, Mr. Coates no longer was there.

"May I help you all?" his considerably-younger-replacement asked. After some initial shock at the seriousness of the situation, an Agent finally spoke.

"Uh…," Agent Artemis began. Three hours passed. The man woke up and looked at the Agent expectantly.

"I believe you were saying something," he said.

"Who are you?" Artemis asked. "I thought Mr. Coates worked here."

"I am Agent Musika. You all may, or may not, if you’ve forgotten, know me as Tonamel. I run this place now."

"Err…why Musika? Why not just…uh…Tonamel?" Agent Benit asked.

"Because, it’s a spy name. I can't use my real name! My code name comes from the phrase 'Diabolus et Musika' which means, 'the devil in music.' It refers to the B scale with all naturals. I don’t know why, but that's the honest truth!" Musika said. He noticed his audience had fallen asleep. "HEY! WAKE UP!" The Agents looked around sleepily. "I had to get in this story somehow!" Mr. T appropriately summed up the situation.

"I pity th’ foo’ who don’t get in this story!"

"Err…if you’re really Tonamel, does that mean we get out of here hassle-free?" Artemis asked. Musika steepled his fingers.

"Normally, yes. But since I had to wait until now to join up in this weird adventure, you’ll have to fight another Yuffie-based boss."

"Aw, man! Again?!" Solid Ekans complained.

"Hey!" Cid yelled. "Where the %^%$$^#$@#@$#!#!@$&#%*(^&%%$%@##@$!!~@$%^#$%$*^*%(()(^^^$%$##@$@#^ is our Materia?" Before the Agents could face this new problem, a hulking something crashed through the roof. It had two heads; one was Jenova, and the other was Yuffie. The disgusting Bizzaro-Yuffie opened her palm, revealing the Agents’ odd collection of Materia.

"Hahahaha!" she roared. "I, like, got all of your Materia during the conversation from, like, you! I used my, like, Jenova powers! And when I, like, kill you guys, I’ll, like, go after Eve, ‘cuz, like, I have more Materia than you!" CAM blinked confusedly and hiccupped. In a flash, the Wizard of Darkness stood in his place. It approached Yuffie and mauled her. The Wizard hiccuped, and reverted. Bizzaro-Yuffie’s core healed the damage. Agent CAM pouted. Suddenly, a rip in the fabric of space-time appeared in the destroyed trailer, and a strange being walked out.

"Oh my spoony!" Agent Gray Fox exclaimed. "It’s another Yuffie! And she has…a goatee?…."

"Man, I bet this one looks even worse nude," CAM commented.

"No, Agent CAM," the goatee-ed Yuffie said, "I would never use the repulsiveness of my body to cause harm to the world at large." The Agents blinked in confusion. "Here is the Materia Yuffie stole from you." She tossed the Agents perfect replicas of their missing Materia.

"I think I know what’s going on," Artemis said. "She comes from a parallel universe where everything is evil. So, since she’s evil in this one, she’s good in that one."

"That’s %^&$#%@@!%^ed up!" Cid said.

"Where I’m from, you’re mild-mannered, meek, don’t smoke, and drink decaf," evil Yuffie said.

"%%&^%%$ $##$%@#$@!@& ^#^%$*&()((*^% %$^ %#$$%@ # %^#^@#$@!#$ #^%$*^*((&*(&% ^^%$&$^#%^ #@%@@^#$*^ %&*^ (* &&^& $%^$##@ !!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Heh, Cid pulled a…oh, nevermind," CAM said. Agent Benit leaped in front of Bizarro-Yuffie.

"Prepare to die, %^$#@!" she yelled.

"Aw, like, what’re you gonna do anyway?" Bizzaro-Yuffie asked. "Like, throw a penny at my eye or somethin’?"

"TONS!" Benit’s limit break aura flared. "GOLD RUSH!" The ground opened up under Bizarro-Yuffie and she fell. She appeared in a mine. A large mine cart sped quickly down a long set of tracks in front of Yuffie. It hit a bump at the end, and it tipped over. Its load of minerals flew out and fell toward Bizzaro-Yuffie. She was impaled with jewels, crystals, rocks, coins and semi-precious stones. The mine faded away, and Yuffie appeared back in the trailer. Her eyes spun in cartoonish circles.

"Alright!" Benit said. "She’s weakened! Hurry up and use the Materia!" Solid Ekans reached into his Inventory for his Materia, but instead came up small Pokéball.

"Wait a sec…," he said. "Yuffie’s weakened…and she’s a monster of sorts…and we’re all sick and tired of fighting her…so…." Solid Ekans flipped his hat backwards. "Yufféball! Go!" The ball flew towards Bizzaro-Yuffie among the other Agents’ spells, and hit her square in the head. It opened upon impact and sucked the boss inside. The Yufféball shook once. It shook again. It shook a third time. Then it pinged. "Alright!" Solid Ekans cheered. "I caught a Yuffie!" The door to the trailer crashed down, startling the Agents. Eve floated in, flanked by Agents Billy Lee: Man of Action and the Pimpinator.

"Billy Lee! Pimpinator! Get those fools!" Agent CAM and Cid drew their weapons.

"You guys are going to BURN for putting us in those bags!" CAM said, cracking the whip.

"Yeah! You %&$^%$^###@$!#@#$%#^%&$*^%(*&^%^$%$@#$!@!!!" Cid seconded.

"We’ll just leave this up to you guys, since the rest of us really don’t have weapons," Agent Axer said. Billy Lee twirled his pistols around on his fingers.

"Us? Burn? I don’t think so!" The Pimpinator opened his chest plates and released some steam, then brandished his cane menacingly. CAM launched a whip attack at Billy Lee, who dodged. He opened fire with his pistols, and CAM fell, his shirt stained dark red. The Agents gasped with horror.

"Pidgey! Who would have thought that anybody would ever die in a story like this?" Solid Ekans asked. The Agents surrounded their fallen comrade. CAM breathed shallowly, and his eyes opened slightly.

"Tell the guys…at the factory…that they make…some damned good…Twinkies…," he wheezed between coughs. "And…I also want…to say that…." He launched into a coughing fit.

"Hey, wait a minute," Agent Artemis said. She dipped her finger into CAM’s blood and tasted it

"Ew!" Benit said. "That’s gross? What are you, a vampire?"

"Mmm! Ketchup!" Artemis exclaimed. CAM propped himself up.

"Whuh?" He examined his chest, and found no bullet wound.

"Sorry about that," Billy Lee said, "but I’m not allowed to use real bullets, or this story would be rated M for Violence, Language and Suggestive Themes."

"I can see about the language, but where do the suggestive themes come into this?" Gray Fox asked. An anime sweatdrop rolled down Billy Lee’s face, but he remained silent.

"Whatever…," CAM said, and got back up. Meanwhile, Cid and the Pimpinator were going at it. The robotic pimp swung his cane at Cid, only to have it deflected by the pilot’s spear. Cid launched a kick at the Pimpinator, but recoiled when his foot struck solid metal. He hopped around feebly.

"%%^&%^%#$#@#@#^%#&^%()(^%^$#@#$@$!!!!!!"

"Oh, give up, you bumbling fools," Eve said. "I know where the Ultimate Tea recipe is, and none of you can stop me!"

"Really?" Gray Fox asked. He lay down on his stomach, with his legs in the air. "Tell us more."

"Welllll…," Eve began, "I guess, as a generic megalomaniacal supervillain, that it’s my job to tell you my secret plans so you can have a chance to foil them…so…alright." She sat on a chair before all the Agents and began reading from a sheet of paper in her hands.

"Long, long ago.… An evil shadow appeared over the peaceful kingdom of Galdia…. Princess Rosa was kidnapped by the Evil Dragon King, Valvados. What will become of her? Just then, the legendary hero, Alfred, appears!"

"Uh, you’re reading from the wrong script," Agent Axer said. He flipped through a sheaf of papers. "Y’see, you were reading from the FFVII play scene where Cloud gets a date. You’re supposed to start right…." He pointed out a line on the page to Eve. "…Here."

"Oops, sorry," she said, and recommenced. "My ultimate plan is to create an amusement park for Jenova and mitochondria freaks. Unfortunately, building it costs a lot. So I took a gamble and put all my remaining money out to publish Dio’s 3-autobiography series. I was to receive 25% of the Gold Saucer’s shares…but it was actually 25% of a saucer made of gold, and not the amusement park itself." She cursed herself under her breath. The Agents sat on the floor in a variety of positions, enraptured. It was rather like a kindergarten classroom. "While you were all rotting away in the desert," Eve continued, "I discovered some ancient scriptures hidden below a Happy Meal™ box."

"A Happy Meal™ box?" Couldn’t you be more original?" Billy Lee asked.

"Oh, shut up! If you think you can tell the story better, then go ahead!" Eve tossed the script toward the gunslinging evil Agent.

"Hee! Story time!" Billy Lee ran to the front of the Agents and began to read in falsetto, mimicking Eve. "So, after translating the scriptures using a decoder ring from a box of sweet, yummy and oh so delicious Cracker Jacks™ obtained at a local convenience store, I was able to discover the location of the recipe. The tea is in the Temple of the Ancients, and that’s where we were going before I decided to kill you all before you began to meddle again," he finished suddenly.

"Wasn’t the Temple shrunk into the Black Materia?" Solid Ekans asked. Eve kicked Billy Lee in the shin, sending him sprawling, and floated back to her rightful place.

"Yes, but by using the Instant Plot Device™, we will be able to create a perfect replica of the temple!"

"Ooooh! That was so purty! I wanna hear it again!" CAM said, beaming.

"Tell us another stowy, Matwyn!" Gray Fox added. Agent Artemis slapped them both in the back of the head.

"Snap out of it!"

"I’m sorry to have to leave at such an inopportune time, children," Eve said, pointing at the Pimpinator behind the Agents "but while I was distracting you with my master plan, Agent the Pimpinator set up a bomb to kill you all!" Indeed, the Pimpinator had jury rigged a bunch of Cans of Whoop Ass to a timer, which was currently counting down.

"I pity th’ foo’ what tries to blow us up!" Mr. T said.

"We have a recipe to collect," Eve said primly. "Ta." She and her henchmen disappeared.

"We’re all gonna DIE!" CAM screamed hysterically.

"Calm down, everyone!" Solid Ekans shouted. "As a certified Solid Snake/MGS rip-off, I’m an expert at disarming explosives!" He hunched down before the bomb with a pair of scissors. There was one minute remaining on the timer. "Alright, so if I cut the red one…." Ekans cut the wire, and the timer went twice as fast. "Uh…oops. Must be the yellow one." He cut the wire, and the timer dropped down to three second. "Alrighty, then! Must be the blue one!" The timer stopped at 1 second as Ekans snipped the wire. The Agents cheered. Solid Ekans grinned widely. "I told you I was an expert at disarming explosives." Behind him, the bomb promptly exploded, sending the Agents careening into the ionosphere.

"Aww, great," Axer said. "…At least we’re out of the prison, though."

"I’ll bet I can get frequent flyer miles for this trip!" CAM said. "And I can use them to buy more Twinkies!"

"I will no longer dignify those Twinkie comments with a response," Agent Artemis said haughtily, still examining the ingredients label.

"You know," Agent Benit said, "that large airborne object in front of us looks like-" She was cut off as the Agents slammed into the deck of the Highwind and a very surprised Agent the Captain. The Highwind lurched from the sudden added weight, but quickly stabilized itself.

"Ouch." Gray Fox rubbed his head. "Well, at least we’re not in space." The Agents untangled themselves amidst much complaining.

"Captain!" Agent Artemis exclaimed. "How’d you get here?"

"Welllll…I got dropped off in Kalm after getting picked up by a tour bus in Nibelheim…but by the time I got there, you guys were long gone. Fortunately, I was able to have the Highwind come from the Gold Saucer to get me. We were just returning when you guys dropped in," he explained. The Agents moved to the Bridge, where, much to Cid’s disliking, Shera was piloting the Highwind. Agent Axer stood at the head and faced his comrades. He pointed out toward the horizon.

"Alright! To the Temple of the Ancients!"

"Silly Agent," CAM said. "You’re pointing toward the Gold Saucer. The Temple of the Ancients is that way."

Scene 43:

Setting: The Highwind

Time: 10:00 AM the next morning

The Agents were taking a little time to relax and recuperate as the Highwind leisurely made its way toward the Temple. Agents CAM and Axer, and Evil Yuffie, stood on the deck of the Highwind. CAM grinned oddly.

"Cool, we’re off to the Temple of the Ancients, where mermaids sing and dolphins bring your breakfast in bed." Axer gave him a strange look, then held out his hand.

"Give me the Twinkie, CAM," he said. CAM clutched it protectively.

"It’s miiiinnnneeee!" he wailed.

Agent Neener was in her cabin, wokring on her non-existent singing talents. As she reached a high note in her song, the small porthole in the room shattered. Neener blushed.

"Heh…oops."

Agent Benit twirled her new glaive, Saturn Rhapsody, around gleefully. It was a good weapon, a combination of rare minerals and FF7/Sailor Moon references. Unfortunately, she accidentally hit her minting machine. It collapsed into a pile of spare parts. Benit pouted.

"Now what am I going to do?"

Agent Artemis sat at a desk in the Highwind’s tech lab, poring over a Twinkie label and a Twinkie with an electron microscope.

"Let’s see," she said, "I’ve already discovered hydrochloric acid, animal growth hormones and Surge…but that can’t be all." She focused the microscope onto the Twinkie, and something caught her eyes, a stray bit of newspaper print.

‘Mao Zedong an Extraterrestrial from Venus!’

Solid Ekans was playing an involved game of Pokémon Stadium on a smuggled N64 when the Captain came in. He smiled brightly.

"Beautiful day, isn’t it?" He walked over to the window, crushing the Nintendo with his boot in the process. "Oh, oops! Did I do that?"

Agent Blues was suffering from acute Goldeen Eye withdrawl in his cabin. He lay on his bunk, surrounded by the official strategy guide, the unofficial strategy guide, the old magazine articles about it, reviews, action figures, everything but the game itself. He whined pitifully.

Mr. T was watching reruns of the A-Team in the lounge. Strangely enough, he was involved in a surreal battle with his on-screen counterpart.

"Cut yo’ jibba-jabba, sucka!" the TV Mr. T said.

"Cut yo’ jibba-jabba, sucka!" Mr. T yelled back.

"I’m a toss yo’ ass, foo’!" the TV Mr. T retaliated.

"I’m a toss yo’ ass, foo’!" Mr. T responded. Fortunately, the scene switched to a commercial than, and the TV was saved from a tossing.

Jimi was hanging out with Agents Gray Fox and Musika. He launched into a riff on his Stratocaster, while Musika studied the musical structure of the piece carefully. Gray Fox merely watched, enraptured.

Cid jerked one of the levers on the Highwind’s control panel, and the ship came to a stop above the Temple. He pressed the button for the ship’s PA system.

"Hey! Get your lazy @%^#@^^&*^^&*(^^%$%#$^&^*%$@# up here! It’s time to get cracking!"

The group of Agents had managed to travel deep within the Temple of the Ancients, finally making their way to the altar, where they had encountered Eve. The villainess had been able to dispatch most of the Agents, leaving only one to fight. Agent CAM faced Eve, his bullwhip in hand. Behind him, Agent Benit, Agent Artemis and Agent Neener were tied up, and the male Agents lying unconscious in a pile next to them.

"Please save us, Agent CAM!" Artemis said in a generic damsel-in-distress voice.

"Yeah, you big stud muffin, if you save us, I’ll give you a kiss!" Neener said ‘seductively.’

"I’ll give you millions and millions of gil!" Benit promised. CAM gave a quick nod toward the women, then turned back to Eve. Eve yelled with bestial fury and rushed the Agent. CAM easily sidestepped and lashed out with the whip. Eve screamed in pain and began to retreat like a wounded animal.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! OWW! Mercy! You win! I give up!" She disappeared in a flash of light. The female Agents squealed in delight.

"Oh! Our hero!" they said simultaneously, swooning. CAM approached the captives, looking unsure. Suddenly, he knew his choice.

"My sweet, sugary desire, you are finally mine to rescue," he said in a suave voice.

"He’s clearly talking about me, because he’s attracted to my intelligence!" Agent Artemis said confidently.

"You?! Ha! He’s clearly coming toward me because he loves my beautiful siren song!" Agent Neener responded.

"You sound like a dying yak! He’s coming to get me because of my good looks and loads of money!" Agent Benit said. CAM paused before the prisoners in a moment of indecision, then reached out and untied the one he had chosen. He gave the former captive a warm hug.

"Ah, my pretty, you’re finally mine." He smiled.

"WHAT?!" the women said in unison. "You chose a TWINKIE over US?!" CAM unwrapped the sweet and began to happily consume it. Unbeknowst to him, the females had somehow escaped from their bonds and were now approaching him, wielding giant mallets. They lifted the tools of destruction high over their heads and brought them down on CAM.

WHAM! BASH! POUND! BAFF! BONG! BOINK! SQUISH!

Then everything went black.

Agent CAM stared at the blank screen for a few moments and blinked. He was sitting down in the Highwind’s rec room, playing a game, before the big screen TV. Agent Artemis removed her finger from the PlayStation™’s power switch.

"Stop playing Final Pokémon Solid. We’ve got a mission to finish."

"Aww…you’re no fun." CAM produced a Twinkie from his pocket and gobbled it down.

Scene 44:

Setting: Wutai

Time: 10:00 AM

Yuffie Kisaragi sat in what was left of her home, bandaging the wounds gained from all her defeats. Then, a prominent and convenient rip in the fabric of space-time appeared, and out walked the evil Agents Artemis, Solid Ekans, CAM, the Captain, Musika, Benit, Gray Fox, Axer, Cid, Shera, Neener, Jimi, Mr. T and 1469, all with goatees.

"Ah ha!" evil CAM said, nibbling on a tofu snack bar. "You thought you could get away from us, did you?"

"Yeah, you’re coming with us to Submarine Village!" the evil Captain said.

"Shut up, Captain," the evil Shera barked. "Your site sucks."

"Yeah, it does!" Cid agreed.

"CID!" Shera yelled. "I didn’t say you could talk! Now go and get me some %&%^#$#@$^%& tea!" Cid meekly shuffled into the kitchen with a bag of decaf tea.

"Hey, that’s my kitchen!" Yuffie said. "And I’m not going anywhere, so you guys can just go $@&% yourselves!"

"The hell is wrong with you, Yuffie?" evil Solid Ekans demanded.

"Uh, let’s see. I hate you guys, you guys can go screw yourselves, and I hate Rocket Town."

"Rocket Town?" the evil Benit asked. "We’re from Submarine Village, where the 500^th submarine was built so Shera could become the first woman to travel by submarine."

"Yes…," Shera said wistfully. "The Arnihs No. 500, but my dreams of going underwater were shattered. That bumbling evil Cid was too damned slow checking the airtanks on the sub, and when we were ready to launch, he wasn’t done, and we had to abort…and I was too lazy to try again." She wiped away a tear.

"That’s, like, the most retarded story I ever heard," Yuffie said. "Why not do something cool like go into outer space?"

"Don’t insult the story!" evil Benit snarled. "Dammit! $%^% %$$##@$@@@^ &*%*&^%&^ $%^#$#$ @#$!^@#%$* *(*^*&%$###@$!!!!!!!!!!!"

"The evil Benit pulled an evil Shera," evil Cid said quietly.

"Dammit, pissant, I want my tea!" Shera screamed at him.

"Alright, enough chit-chat. You’re coming back to our dimension, goody-two-shoes," the Captain told Yuffie.

"Yeah," Shera said. "Now, Captain, think of a way to make Submarine Village more popular on the web."

"Perhaps adding CGs and fanfics?…"

"No! Nobody would want to see $%#@ like that!"

"I’m saaaaaaaaaaa iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiii nnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggg away!" evil Agent Artemis sang out, breaking some glass in the vicinity.

"Umm…I think, like, you’ve got the wrong Yuffie," Yuffie said. "The evil Yuffie is headed for the Temple of the Ancients."

"Oh!" evil Shera said. "That explains it. Alright, then! To my tugboat, the Lowtide!"

Scene 45:

Setting: The Temple of the Ancients

Time: 10:07 AM

It appeared Eve had been successful in using the Insta-Plot, because the Temple of the Ancients stood before the Agents, looking brand new.

"Don’t we need a Keystone to get in?" Agent Artemis asked.

"Let me look in my collection of interesting rocks…there must a Keystone in here somewhere," evil Yuffie said, digging around in a small bag.

"What the %^%$$^#$%^#@%$#&???!!!! It’s Yuffie!" Agent the Captain cried.

"No! I’m the evil Yuffie who joined everyone in the desert prison!"

"Oh," the Captain said, confused.

"Hey, the real Yuffie would never give us something vital to our quest," Gray Fox reminded him. Evil Yuffie suddenly threw a friendly arm around the Captain and Gray Fox’s shoulders.

"You know," she said, and began to sing, "you guys are my best friends! Through thick and thin! The fun will never eeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnddddddddd!!!"Agent Neener quickly joined in.

"Stop it," Gray Fox said, pale. Evil Yuffie removed her arm from his shoulder. "Thanks," he said carefully, edging away.

"Alright!" Agent Axer said. "Final roll call! Who’s here?" The Agents, plus Jimi and Mr. T, all rattled off their names in quick succession.

‘Hey, Cid,’ Agent 1469 signed, ‘what about Shera, Cait and the Junjie Brigade?’

"Oh, they stayed on the Highwind because the party was too large."

"Hey, don’t forget me." Evil Yuffie walked up to Agent Axer and gave him the Keystone. "You’ll need this. It’s used at the entrance, but you knew that."

"Aren’t you coming with us?" Gray Fox asked.

"I would if I could but I can’t so I won’t," she replied.

"…Okay." The Agents nodded at each other, and they walked slowly up the stairs and into the first chamber of the Temple. Agent Axer approached the rough stone pedestal at the end of the tiny room and placed the Keystone in its center. It glowed a light blue, and then the lights went out.

"Ah! I can’t see!" a female voice exclaimed.

"Ow! Quit pokin’ me!" a male voice cried.

"Hehehehehehehehe…," another male voice replied.

"This is not good. I can’t eat my Twinkie in the dark!"

"And I can’t examine its ingredients either."

"Hey, I think I found something." One of the Agents pulled a lever, and instantly every torch in the Temple flared to life, casting an dim orange glow on the ancient walls. Spread out before them was a large maze, disappearing into darkness.

"Hey! There’s not supposed to be a maze in here!" Agent Blues said.

"Urgh…I hate mazes," Musika said, rubbing his temples. "They give me headaches."

"We don’t have a choice, in any case," Agent Axer reminded them. "So let’s start moving." As the Agents set off, Solid Ekans’ CODEC beeped. He answered it, not recognizing the source.

"Ekans."

"Solid Ekans," the voice on the other end said, "one of the Agents is a spy."

"News flash, we’re all sort of like spies because we’re Agents."

"Not in that way."

"So who is it?" Ekans asked quietly.

"I don’t know for sure, except that it’s not you," the voice replied.

"Hey, who is this? You’re not using standard burst transmission. Where are you?"

"It doesn’t matter. Just call me the Pokémaniac."

"Another Pokémon reference?"

"Yeah, the more references, the better."

"Sure…whatever." Ekans clicked off the CODEC.

‘Hey, Solid Ekans, what was that?’ Agent 1469 signed. ‘Were you using your CODEC?’

"No…it’s nothing," Solid Ekans said, eyeing 1469 suspiciously.

Eve, Billy Lee: Man of Action, the Pimpinator and new recruit Agent Kojiro stood before the altar in the heart of the Temple of the Ancients. The could feel the power of the Ultimate Tea emanating from the small object before them.

"What the?! A RUBIK'S CUBE?!" Agent Kojiro exclaimed, confused. Billy Lee ran his Cracker Jack™ decoder ring down the side of the altar.

"It says…‘To release the hidden Ultimate Tea, the Rubik's Cube you must solve first, you see.’"

"And just when we were getting close to the tea…darn," Eve said, floating nervously back and forth. A light bulb suddenly appeared above her head. "Billy Lee, Pimpinator, I want you to slow down the Agents, because both you and I know that they’ll be on our tail soon. Kojiro, you shall solve the Rubik's Cube."

"Aww, man! Why do I have to do it?" he whined.

"Because if you don’t, I’ll show you nude pictures of Yuffie," Eve said coldly. Kojiro paled.

"No! I’ll do as you say, mistress!" He set to work on the Rubik’s Cube as the two evil Agents left to battle the good ones.

"Are we there yet?" Agent Neener asked.

"No," the group replied.

"Are we there yet?" she asked again.

"No," Agent Artemis responded with a sigh.

"Oh…," Agent Neener said. She wandered around the maze in silence.

"Are we there yet?" she asked after five seconds of silence.

"No…wait!" Musika said, seeing something ahead of him. "Oh, no, wait, that’s not the exit…that’s the just the Pimpinator summoning his horde of flying six-arsed monkeys on us."

"Oh…wait! That’s BAD!" Agent Neener concluded. The monkeys swooped toward the Agents, screeching like banshees.

"Alright!" Agent Axer said. "Time to use our spontaneously-acquired ultimate weapons! Avenger!" A sword appeared in Axer’s hand.

"Cosmic Fire!" A longbow appeared in Gray Fox’s hand.

"Saturn Rhapsody!" Benit twirled her glaive.

"Dragon’s Teeth!" Artemis flipped a pair of sais in her hands.

"Time to die!" CAM said, lashing his whip about.

"Ehh…can’t think of a cool quote," Musika said, pulling out a broken gattling gun.

"Progressive Fish!" Solid Ekans produced a deadly bladed Magikarp from his Inventory.

"Hey, cool! A real group battle!" Cid said exuberantly, wielding the Venus Gospel.

"Uh…I have no weapon…guess I’ll use limit breaks," the Captain said.

"Man, at least you’ve got a limit break. I can’t figure out what to use," Blues said.

"I don’t have anything," Agent Neener said crestfallenly.

"Ha, so you’ve gotten this far," the Pimpinator said derisively as swarms of monkeys flew around him. "But this is the end for you."

"Typical villain," Axer snorted. "All talk, no substance." The Pimpinator growled.

"That’s it! Get them, my flying minions from Uranus!" Suddenly, Jimi jumped before the group and unslung his Stratocaster.

"Purple Haze!" Dark clouds swirled down and surrounded the monkeys, confusing them.

"Manic Depression!" The monkeys became saddened, cutting their speed drastically.

"Machine Gun!" A spray of bullets fell upon the six-arsed minions, causing light damage.

"I Don’t Live Today!" A large skull appeared overhead, casting Death Sentence.

"Fire!" A huge firestorm exploded through the monkeys’ ranks, reducing many to ash.

"Third Stone From The Sun!" A massive meteor crashed through the ceiling and crushed the deformed primates.

"Foxey Lady!" The Foxey Lady appeared over the Agents, guaranteeing a perfect hit rate.

"Are You Experienced!" The Agents’ gained EXP for the battle doubled.

"Jam Back At The House!" A wave of intense magic shot through the monkeys, and they all collapsed onto the floor, dead. The Pimpinator stood in utter shock.

"Great, there goes our group battle," Cid said moodily. Jimi smiled slightly. To Gray Fox’s surprise, he began to slowly fade away.

"Oh no! He’s disappearing! Jimi!"

"It’s time for me to go, man," Jimi said just as he vanished.

"Aww man…Jimi. Thanks for your help!" Gray Fox waved.

"I guess he had to go," Agent Artemis said. "He’d served his purpose as a summon, just like Mickey Mouse in our battle with Yuffie."

"I know, but…his songs are so cool!!"

"C’mon, I see an exit. Let’s get out of here," Agent Axer said, and he led the group through a small door in the wall. Solid Ekans carefully examined the group as they walked on. One of them was a fake, and it sure wasn’t Jimi.

"Man…it’s too hard," Kojiro said, sweat pouring down his face.

"Well, don’t whine about it! Keep at it!" Eve reprimanded.

"Yes, President Eve," Kojiro said sadly, clicking the insane little puzzle in every possible direction. Billy Lee ran in.

"President Eve! The Agents have gotten through the Pimpinator!"

"Don’t just stand there, then! Go get them! And try to use real bullets this time," Eve ordered.

"I dunno," Billy Lee said dubiously, "we’ve gotta keep it at a PG…at most a PG-13…."

"Ah, who cares? It’s probably already at NC-17 because of those nude Yuffie pictures we showed a while back." Billy Lee shuddered violently at the memory. "Get to work!" Eve yelled, slamming her fist onto the altar for effect.

"Yes, President Eve." Billy Lee slowly walked away. Eve promptly began to blow on her hand.

"Argh…shouldn’t try for that dramatic effect so often."

"Okay, yeah," Agent Benit said. "This sucks."

"What do you mean it sucks? All that’s happening is that the ceiling is slowly moving down and trying to crush us! There’s nothing wrong with that!" Agent Blues said, perhaps mildly sarcastically. Indeed, the stone ceiling was descending at a slow but steady rate.

"Ack! We’re all gonna DIE!" Agent CAM screamed.

"Hold on! There’s some writing on the wall over there!" Agent Artemis leaned in to look at the ancient script. "It says…‘If you desire to get past this room that is cursed, all you need do is spout philosophical verse.’" The Agents looked around confusedly.

‘Philosophical verse?’ Agent 1469 signed. ‘Don’t know any.’

"This probably means we’re all dead," Agent Aya said cheerfully. "But that doesn’t bother me!" Agent Gray Fox leaned against one of the walls with his arms crossed.

"I guess you guys forgot," he said quietly. Everyone looked at him suspiciously, not understanding. "My limit break is PhilosoBS, remember?"

"Uh, sure. Yeah. We remember," Axer said, not entirely truthfully. The others smiled nervously and nodded at Gray Fox.

"Don’t just stand there!" Agent the Captain shouted. "Say the spoony verse!"

"Alright! PhilosoBS!" The red battle flare soon was replaced by the familiar white, cracking aura. Gray Fox levitated slightly and closed his eyes, palms outward. "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? If a tree falls in the forest, and there’s nobody around to hear it, does it make a sound? What’s the sound of one hand clapping? Define normal!" The ceiling abruptly stopped a few inches above the Agents’ heads, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. But before they could move on, the floor began to vibrate violently.

"Why do I have the feeling that this is also going to suck?" Agent Musika asked. The floor disappeared, and the party tumbled into the dark room below. They hit the ground hard. The darkness is the room was total.

"I knew this was going to suck," Musika said.

"I see that you’ve made it," a familiar voice said from the darkness.

"Who’s there?!" Solid Ekans asked sharply.

"It is none other than I…." A spotlight came on, revealing Billy Lee in the center of the room. He did a funny pose. "Billy Lee, Man of-"

"-The Ginyu Tokusentai!" Gray Fox finished. Billy Lee gasped.

"How dare you insult my title?! You’ll pay for that!" He pulled out two ridiculously large double-barreled shotguns. He aimed at the group of Agents.

"Everybody spread out!" Axer yelled. The group scattered into the darkness.

"It’s not like you’re trapped or anything," Billy Lee said. He clapped his hands, and the lights went on, revealing the hiding Agents. He took aim. "Now you’re gonna get it." His fingers began to close around the trigger. The Captain clapped his hands twice.

"1, 2, 3, green light!" The lights went off and the Agents scattered again. Billy Lee darted his eyes around the darkened room.

"1, 2, 3, red light!" he yelled. The lights turned back on. The Man of Action saw that a good deal of the Agents had managed to bump into each other, and the others had ended up only a few paces away from him.

"1, 2, 3, green light!" Agent Artemis said, clapping her hands. Once again, the lights went out and the Agents dispersed.

"Ow! Watch where you’re going! And stop poking me!" a male voice exclaimed.

"Hehehehe…," another male voice replied.

"Grr! 1, 2, 3, red light!" Billy Lee said. The lights turned back on, and he saw that the Agents had surrounded him. A bead of sweat ran down his forehead.

"You’re gonna get it now, Billy Lee!" Blues said confidently.

"Eep…1, 2, 3, green light!" Billy Lee squeaked just as the Agents pounced on him.

"Ow! My spleen!" a female voice cried.

"Ack! Get offa me!" a male voice said, slightly muffled.

"Haha! We got Billy Lee!" another voice said.

"Fools, no you didn’t. 1, 2, 3, red light!" He clapped his hands, and saw to his satisfaction that all of the Agents had piled up on the wrong person.

"…If Billy Lee is over there…," Solid Ekans began, "…who’re we piling on?"

"ME!! YOU %&^%$ $%^#$##@# @$!@$%$*&^%(( *^)))*&^*%%%$%# !@#$%%^&* (()*(**( ^#@$#%^&* **((((((*&&@#$% %^*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cid yelled from the bottom of the hefty pile of Agents.

"You know," Billy Lee said, "it’s pretty hard to miss from this range."

"Okay…now this sucks royally," Musika said.

"You better pray to Bahamut before you get to see him," Billy Lee commented as he put his fingers on the triggers. A sudden rumbling filled the air.

"What’s that?" the evil Agent asked nervously. Then, the wall exploded outward and the T van roared in, being driven by an insane-looking Mr. T.

"I pity th’ foo’ who try to play 1, 2, 3, green light!"

"Mr. T!" Agent Neener said happily. She began to sing the Mr. T theme song.

"Um…1, 2, 3, green light?" Billy Lee whimpered. As the lights went out, a loud thud echoed through the room, followed by a scream, an odd splat sound, a groan, and finally some birds tweeting.

"%&^%$$@##%@%^^! 1, 2, 3, red light!" Cid muttered from the bottom of the pile. The lights turned back on, and the Agents peeled themselves away, freeing the pilot. "You $%^$#$#%#%^&%%$@@# Agents! Watch where you’re goin’ next time!" Anime sweatdrops appeared on the foreheads of all the Agents. Cid grumbled something and stuck his hands in his jacket. Billy Lee lay on the floor, birds circling his head. Mr. T snorted.

"Sucka."

"Hey, Mr. T is disappearing too," Agent Benit noticed.

"I guess his job was done too, like Jimi and Mickey," Artemis said.

"I pity th’ foo' who fade away," Mr. T said as he vanished.

"Thanks for your help, Mr. T!" CAM said, waving quickly. He let out a small sniffle and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

"I’m gonna miss him and those ‘I pity th’ foo’ remarks," he said.

"Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll see him and Jimi again once all this is over," the Captain said, giving CAM a pat on the back. An ancient door creaked open at the opposite end of the room, revealing a stone altar with a mostly-incomplete Rubik’s Cube floating on top of it. The Agents cautiously approached the altar, looking out for a surprise attack. Sure enough, as soon as they entered the room, the door slammed shut behind them. The group whirled, and saw Eve floating there with her finger on a garage door opener. She laughed evilly.

"Eve!" everyone exclaimed simultaneously.

"Please, please. No need for the introduction. You all know me." She bowed. "This is my new Agent, Kojiro."

"It is an honor to meet you all!" Kojiro drew his katana and faced the Agents menacingly.

"I’m sure you’ll find him much more of a force to be reckoned with," Eve said. "And now, I bid thee farewell." She disappeared in a flash of blue smoke. The group turned to face the very short swordsman before them.

"What a pipsqueak! I doubt he could hurt us, much less kill us!" Agent Blues said with a hearty laugh.

‘You said it!’ Agent 1469 signed.

"Silence!" Kojiro yelled. He swung his sword, and a strong wind swept through the room.

"Hey, I think he’s serious or something," Agent Neener said.

"Don’t worry," Agent Aya said, advancing toward the chibi-sized samurai, "I can take care of this guy." Kojiro swung his katana wildly at Aya. A gust of wind shot from the blade and propelled Agent Aya through the roof and high into the ionosphere.

"Oh my God! You killed Agent Aya! Again!" the Captain gasped.

"You bastard," Gray Fox said boredly.

"Now you see that I am more powerful than you could possibly imagine!" Kojiro said haughtily.

"Ah, we don’t have the time for this," Artemis said, invoking the Reference Adder Materia set in her sais. "Blaaakkhh, grrrkk, jarrrkkk, mukksss."

"Whoa!" Agent CAM said. "Those were some weird magic words."

"Actually, I was clearing my throat." The Materia flashed red, and the room was bathed in a sudden blinding light. When the Agents regained their vision, they saw a new figure in the room: he was as short as Kojiro, wore a similar vest and hakama combination, had two swords and shaggy blue hair.

"Oh %&^%$!! It’s Brave Fencer Musashi!" Cid exclaimed. The Captain fainted. Agent Musashi grinned and reached up to shake Cid’s hand.

"Hiya! I’m the Legendary Summoned Hero Brave Fencer Musashi! Pleased to meet ya, old man!"

"Hmmph," Cid grumbled. "Kid’s got no manners…I’m only 32…in my day…."

"Musashi!" Kojiro said. "You have kept me waiting forever!"

"That voice! It could only be…." Musashi whirled to face his archrival. "Kojiro! What’re you doing here?!"

"Well…I was here to keep the Agents from solving the Rubik’s Cube to get the Ultimate Tea after I had tried my best to solve it myself," he said in one breath, "but now that you’re here, forget all that! Let us duel, Musashi!"

"You’re on, pal! Too bad you lost last time, because you’re such a loser."

"A loser?! You-!!!" He leapt at Musashi, who countered with Fusion. They continued to strike back and forth, neither gaining the upper hand. The Agents watched for a few moments.

"BORING!" Agent Axer shouted.

"Howabout figuring out that Rubik’s Cube?" Musika suggested.

"Didn’t Kojiro say he tried to solve the Cube to get the Ultimate Tea?" Gray Fox asked.

"Yeah, I think so," Artemis said.

"I’m no good with those things, so keep me away from it," CAM said, munching on a Twinkie.

"SINGING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS! SINGING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS! YOU'LL LOVE IT! YOU'LL LOVE IT! YOU'LL LOVE IT! SINGING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!" Agent Neener sang, not surprisingly at the top of her lungs.

"Aw, shut up. Can’t sleep with all this noise," Cid mumbled.

"Hey, Musika, lemme try," the Captain said. Musika nodded and passed it on to his fellow Agent. Several minutes passed, full of a straight stream of cursing. "Urgh…I don’t get it. I give up. Here, you try." The Captain gave the fiendish puzzle to Agent 1469. He shrugged and placed the Cube on the ground, sitting before it and staring.

"What’s he doing?!" Agent Blues asked, ducking a projectile meant for Musashi.

"I dunno, but he looks serious about it," Benit answered, ducking a projectile meant for Kojiro. 1469 picked up the Cube, and there was a sudden flurry of clicking noises. Five seconds later, he slammed it onto the ground.

‘Done,’ he signed. The Agents looked stunned. Axer gave a small clap, and gradually the entire group began to applaud for their mute comrade. He bowed.

"I’ll get you good, Musashi!" Kojiro rushed crazily at his opponent.

"Oh, you’ll regret that, pal!" Musashi said. He jumped onto the tip of Kojiro’s katana, then used it to launch himself high into the air. The sword clattered to the floor. Kojiro bent down to pick it up, only to be incapacitated by a drop kick from Musashi. He fell, unconscious. "Whew," Musashi said. He noticed the completed Rubik’s Cube. "Hey, good job." The Cube began to rattle. Exchanging nervous looks, the Agents stepped away. It rattled harder, and began to transform. After a few jumps and flips, the Cube had metamorphosed into a small black chest with the letters ‘P.B.’ written on it in gold script. CAM let out a loud scream.

"What’s wrong?" Agent Blues asked.

"P.B. must stand for peanut butter!!" CAM rushed toward the chest and tried to pry it open. He failed. He picked it up and threw it on the floor. He failed at this too. He took Kojiro’s sword and tried to cut it open. This was also unsuccessful. "It’s no use…it can’t be opened," he said crestfallenly. Solid Ekans’ CODEC began to ring. He pressed [SELECT] and answered it.

"Solid Ekans, are you there?" the Pokémaniac asked.

"Yeah," Ekans answered. "What is it?"

"Hurry and get the chest! The spy is about to get it! You take it before its too late!"

"What’re you talking about? The only person who has the chest now is Agent Axer!"

"Are you dense? He’s the spy!!!"

"Agent Axer’s a spy?!" Solid Ekans exclaimed, outloud.

"Solid Ekans, what are you saying? Agent Axer’s not a spy," Artemis said.

"Incorrect there, Agent Artemis." The group turned. Axer stood smirking, holding the chest under one arm.

"Agent Axer…why? I thought you were fired from the Eve Corporation," Gray Fox said.

"Aw, geez. I thought you were smarter than that. The President and I staged the entire Yuffie and Mitochondriachu battle, so I would have a reason to be ejected and to gain your trust until I could secure the tea." He gave the chest a pat.

"You %&^%$##%^##@%!!!!" Cid yelled. He rushed the traitor Agent. Axer chanted, and Cid was blown back against a wall by the Wnah spirit.

"I’m afraid I must leave you now." Axer picked up his cell phone and quickly dialed a number. "Yeah, Mr. Vice President, I have Pandora's Box as you requested. Yes, my cover was still intact from the begining. They did not suspect that I was the spy. Yes sir, I’m ready to come to headquarters in Soda Fountain. Thank you, goodbye, Sepheratus." He closed the cell phone and began to dissolve as he was teleported into Soda Fountain. "See ya."

Go on to Section 6