Final Pokémon Solid

Section 4

Scene 31:

Setting: The Highwind

Time: 11:00 AM

A few of the Agents milled about on the bridge of the Highwind, with Cid spouting a healthy stream of meaningless profanity. The others were in the mess hall or still asleep. CAM was munching down a Twinkie when Gray Fox burst in. Having shed his sniper uniform, he now wore an outfit distinctly reminiscent of Locke’s, with a bandana keeping his longish hair out of his eyes. He held something in his hands.

"Hey, look what I found!" He let the sequined disco suit dangle in the air for a moment. CAM and Solid Ekans burst out laughing.

"$%^&!!!" Cid said viciously. "Gimme that $%^$#&% thing!" He grabbed the suit from Gray Fox and threw it out of a porthole. The three Agents guffawed, as Cid’s face turned red. "…It wasn’t ^%^%$(& mine…," Cid mumbled. The other Agents began to filter into the bridge, mostly complaning about one thing or the other. Agents Benit, Artemis and Neener all wore mens’ clothes several sizes too big, which was another source of easy laughter among Gray Fox and Solid Ekans. CAM was busy displaying his beaten flight jacket and goggles, demonstrating how much he looked like Cid.

"Hey," Agent Gray Fox said thoughtfully, "I think we forgot Agent the Captain on the dinghy."

"Oh yeah!" Agent Axer said. "I hope he’s doing okay."

"Aaaah! My back! Owowowowow!!!"

"Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Captain, sir. Is that too hard?" the beautiful masseur asked gently.

"Oh #$%^ no! You’re doing great! I haven’t had a massage like this in ages!" He gestured toward another of the women, who fed him so grapes. "Oh yeah…this is the life."

"He’s probably dead by now," Solid Ekans stated.

"Yes…." Agent Axer bowed his head. "Everyone, let’s take off our hats and have a moment of silence for an Agent who has departed our ranks." Everyone follwed suit, but within 3 seconds the Agents had returned to their former activities. "Hey, wait! I forgot! If you want to say something, speak now or forever hold your peace!" Agent Axer shouted as he looked around the bustling bridge. And then the Agents heard a low grumble from one of the side corridors.

"I pity th’ foo’ who laughs at Mr. T." Mr. T came out wearing something that caused everyone in the bridge to collapse in peals of laughter…a sailor’s suit. "…Dammit," Mr. T said moodily.

Scene 32:

Setting: Kalm

Time: 11:05 AM

P.I. Blues looked at the miniscule, spinach-colored screen of the modified GameBoy in his hands. A message scrolled down the screen.

URGENT:

Agent Blues, your help is required. Wutai is on the brink of a world crisis. We think you could be of some help to us there. Upon arrival, stay in the Turtle’s Paradise and await further instructions. You will be paid handsomely for this work, but only if you as ordered. I’ll be your contact…call me E.

Over

So, understandably confused and on guard, Agent Blues-OO7 reached Wutai and the Turtle’s Paradise. He was at the bar drinking a non-alcoholic beverage when he noticed two men in dark navy suits standind in the shadows, with a woman behind them.

"Mr. Blues!" the first man called. Blues turned. "You shall come with us now." Blues slid off of the bar stool and assumed a fighting position.

"Please don’t put up a fight. We are not interested in hurting you," the second man said. Blues ignored the request and leapt between the men, all ready to bust some moves. Unfortunately for him, a disco ball fell from the ceiling, and he merely succeeding in busting some grooves.

"Oops," he said sheepishly, then recovered himself and used a combination of martial arts, street fighting and PaRappa to take out the two men. As he turned to the face the woman, he was chargrilled by a Fire Materia. He collapsed to the floor, burned.

Blues woke up. He was strapped to a dentist’s chair, looking up at the two men and the woman, who had been the user of the Fire Materia.

"What do want from me?" he asked.

"You’ll find out soon enough," the woman said ominously.

Scene 33:

Setting: The island

Time: 12:15 PM

While the Agents headed to Wutai, Agent the Captain was relishing his stay in the tropical paradise. Due to a large difference in time zones, it was already dark there. He wandered aimlessly about, relishing his freedom from back pain. As he passed a low bush, he noticed something small and white inside it. Unwisely, considering he was in a jungle, he reached into the bush and plucked the object out.

"What the hell is this?" he asked himself as he brought it closer to his face. Suddenly, he saw a sight that struck his heart full of fear. Indeed, he was holding the root of all evil in the world. Glover.

"Put me down, you…you…you…PlayStation character!" The Captain’s eyes flashed.

"DIE!!!!!" He impaled Glover on his spear, then flipped the lifeless glove off into the trees.

"That wasn’t very nice, Mr. Captain." Norton the Yuppie approached, then paused and ripped off his mask. "It’sa me, Mario!" The Captain recoiled. Mario snapped his fingers. The islanders appeared, and ripped off their masks to reveal a host of N64 characters.The Captain wasted no time, and used his spear to polevault a ways away, then started to run toward the beach. The seething mass of vile Nintendo 64 personas followed his, slowly gaining. There was a general chant about destroying anything remotely PlayStation-related. After a while of running, the Captain reached the beach, with the evil hordes only about 10 feet behind him. He spied a dark beach house connected to a dock near him, and ran into it. Inside, he lit a match and beheld a large, sleek luxury yacht.

"Oh hell yeah!" he said. "Now I can ride to Wutai in style." He leapt into the boat, turned the keys and gunned the engine. The boat burst through the flimsy wood of the boathouse and hit the water, sending a large knife of spray into the air. The Captain took a prodigiously-sized amount of C4 from his Inventory and tossed it behind him on the beach. He smirked satisfactorily as he watched the beach and a good deal of the jungle exploded. The brilliant pillar of fire shone on the boat as it sped away toward the northern part of the Wutaian continent.

Scene 34:

Setting: Wutai

Time: 1:20 PM

Cid, Agents Artemis, CAM, Solid Ekans, Gray Fox, Axer, Neener and Jimi and Mr. T stood outside the Highwind, which sat perched on top of one of the mesas above Wutai. They looked down at the town, which appeared to be relatively empty, even from their height.

"I’ve got it!" Agent Axer said. ‘We’ll split into groups of nine!"

"But there’re nine of us here! The rest of them are back at the Highwind for just-in-case," Solid Ekans told him.

"Alright then, how about two groups of five?" Agent Axer asked.

"That would mean there are ten of us, and there are only nine," Agent Artemis said.

"Three groups of four?" Agent Gray Fox shook his head at Axer. "No? Oh, I give up!" Axer said frustratedly. Solid Ekans looked at Wutai with his scope.

"It looks clear. Let’s go." The Agents slid down the mesa’s side on some burlap bags. Upon reaching the ground, the Agents entered Wutai.

"How about instead of splitting into groups, we explore that dark warehouse with the ‘Wutai Tea’ sign on it?" Agent Benit asked. She pointed at the warehouse near the docks, which had a massive neon sign on its front which flashed ‘Wutai Secret Tea Warehouse! The secret’s in here! Come in and take a look!’ in all the colors of the rainbow. Cid scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"What makes you think that’s it?"

"Oh, I dunno," Benit said, "It just must be a sixth cents. Ha! Get it? Cents…sense! Get it? Eh…eh?…." The other Agents stared at her blankly, as an anime sweatdrop appeared on her face. She sighed. "Ugh, nevermind. Just have this bag. It’s some of my newly-minted coins." She passed the small bag to Cid, who stuffed it in his pocket. The group approached the warehouse, and Mr.T and Jimi pulled open the large door.

"Alright," Agent Axer whispered, "try and be inconspicious." The interior of the warehouse had thousands of crates, all neatly stacked, ready to be shipped out into the world. As they moved stealthily through the warehouse, Mr. T’s leg accidentally bumped a small stack of two crates. The stack fell over, into a larger stack. The next stack fell over and impacted the next stack, and soon enough a domino effect had been established, knocking over every crate in the warehouse in quick succession. The Agents stood shocked among the shattered boxes and dried tea leaves heaped around them.

"I pity th’ foo’ who knocks down all the crates and ruins our chance of sneaking in…," Mr. T said crestfallenly.

"Ha, I knew you’d all come here bumbling like a bunch of morons!" an evil voice laughed.

"Oh no…," CAM said as he quickly took a bite out of a Twinkie. Eve floated in, flanked by two of her Agents in dark navy suits, the Pimpinator, who was Robo in an ermine coat and Billy Lee: Man of Action.

"Eve?!" the Agents exclaimed. Eve nodded.

"Hey, like, don’t forget me!" Yuffie squealed she she ran up to Eve, panting.

"Quiet! Nobody cares about you!" Eve smacked Yuffie in the back of the head.

"Ow! That, like, hurt and stuff!"

"What’re you doing here, Eve?" Agent Gray Fox asked.

"I knew you’d come here and try to take the tea. Of course…you failed miserably." Eve produced two Pokéballs from one of the pockets of her suit.

"Alright! A Pokémon battle!" Agent Axer cried happily, as he also withdrew two Pokéballs.

"What is it with Pokémon battles here?" Agent Blues yelled from the back of the room as he struggled to escape from his bonds.

"Agent Blues!" Agent Artemis gasped.

"Oh, is he a friend of all of you?" Eve asked. "Well, I’m keeping him captive, and he’s the prize for our little duel here. If you win, I keep him as my slave. If you lose, you don’t get to rescue him and I keep him as my slave. Deal?"

"Hey! How dense do you think we are?" Agent Axer asked incredulously. Eve shrugged.

"Have it your way." She tossed her Pokéballs high into the air. "Mitochondriachu, Parasect Eevee, go!"

"Mito mito!" the now more compact-sized Mitochondriachu exclaimed.

"Parasect Eevee!" the mutated Eevee squeaked.

"Okay!" Agent Axer yelled. He tossed his own Pokéballs into the air. "Pikachu-chu, Cait Sith, go!"

"Pikachu-chu!" Pikachu-chu bubbled as she faced Mitochondriachu.

"Parasect Eevee! Your fortune says I get to smash your teeth in! How cool!" Cait Sith said.

"What the spoony?" Cid asked. "You’re using Cait Sith?"

"Hey, don’t have a cow. It’s only for one fight," Axer said, watching his Pokémon battle. A cow suddenly appeared next to Cid and mooed plaintively.

"Why does weird stuff always happen to us?" Gray Fox asked, to nobody in particular.

"Mitochondriachu! Mitochondriac Shock, now!" Eve shouted.

"Mito…chondria…CHU!!!" the evil Pokémon growled. It blasted a bolt of mitochondriac energy through its tail. The Pimpinator screamed and collapsed to the ground, electricity surging through his body. Eve slapped her hand over her forehead.

"Hah! Pikachu-chu, Lightning Bolt, now!"

"Pikachu-CHU!" A massive bolt of lightning shot from Pikachu-chu’s tail and thoroughly electrocuted Billy Lee: Man of Action.

"I think Eve’s Pokémon need to learn how to aim better," Agent Aya said, who had mysteriously appeared out of nowhere and was trying to undo Agent Blues’ bonds.

"Hey, how’d you get here?" Blues asked.

"I used an Instant Plot Device™!"

"Oh, right. Just add water."

"Uh-huh!" Agent Aya finished releasing Blues, who promptly sprang up and stretched.

"Parasect Eevee, Mitochondriac Sludge, now!" Eve yelled, distraught. Parasect Eevee spewed a mass of orange goo toward the bouncing Cait Sith.

"Cait Sith, HP Shout now!"

"Shout it out!" Cait Sith exclaimed through his megaphone. The air began to vibrate, and the torrent of goo went off-target and burned through a crate.

"Urrrgh! I’ll get you yet!" Eve said. "Mitochondriachu…wait, what’s that sound?" Agent Artemis strained her ears.

"Sounds like some kind of motor." She promptly went back to studying a Twinkie through a microscope. The sound increased, and suddenly the wall of the warehouse facing the sea collapsed in a huge spray of beams and splinters. Agent the Captain flew through the gap in the boat in slow motion. Eve and the Agents dove out of the way. Save for one. The boat came down with a massive thud on the ill-fated Agent Aya.

"Oh my God, you killed Agent Aya!" Cid gasped.

"You bastard!" Agent Neener finished. Agent the Captain leaped out of the boat.

"Sorry to ruin your fight, but I have a very good reason for doing it."

"And what’s that?" Agent Blues asked. The Captain hesitated.

"…Well…the Planet didn’t really take a liking to this whole tea escapade….and…." The Captain paused, then issued forth a jumble of words. "ItcreatedaWEAPONtocomeafterus." He took a deep breath. "It should be here any second now."

"A WEAPON?" Solid Ekans asked. "What kind? Ruby, Emerald, Diamond, Sapphire, Ultimate?"

"It’s none of those. It’s the horrifying…." The Captain was cut off as the ground shook violently and everyone fell to the ground among the tea leaves. Suddenly, a gigantic ball smashed through the warehouse’s walls and propelled its was back to its owner. The Agents caught sight of said owner through the prominent holes in the walls.

"Oh $%#%!!" Cid yelled, "The Planet made a WEAPON-sized…Glover!" The gigantic white glove rose from the sea, dripping water and destroying large sections of Wutai with its throwing ball. The Agents scrambled to their feet.

"We’re all gonna die!!" CAM screamed.

"Things just turned from weird to weirder," Gray Fox stated. Jimi nodded sagely.

"Damn. I pity th’ foo’ who make a WEAPON look like some N64 character everyone hates," Mr. T muttered. Glover-WEAPON turned its black eyes on the warehouse containing the Agents, Eve, and her cohorts. A narrator with a deep voice began to speak from nowhere.

"Whatever will out heroes do? Will they stand their ground and fight? Or will they run away in abject terror? Next time on Final Pokémon Solid Z!"

"Yeah right! You think we’re gonna run away from this thing?" Agent Axer asked. The voice shut up. Eve looked around at the battle-ready Agents and the approaching WEAPON. She shrugged.

"When in doubt…do as the Turks." Agent 1469 scowled at her. Eve threw down a smoke bomb. Several seconds later, she was still there, coughing on the smoke. She rubbed her eyes, and pointed. "Look! Over there!" The Agents all turned their heads. "Suckers. Pimpinator, General Lee mode!" The Pimpinator turned into the General transformer-style. Eve, Billy Lee, Mitochondriachu and Parasect Eevee all jumped into the car. Before Yuffie could make it herself, Glover-WEAPON’s giant ball smashed her, then flew back to Glover. "Damn. She’s dead. Fortunately, I still have plenty of nude pictures." Eve and her Agents sped off. Agent the Captain blinked.

"Huh. Glover actually did something cool. But he’s still dead." The Agents fled the warehouse just as Glover smashed it with one finger, and turned to face him on more open terrain. Agent Artemis removed her special Reference Adder Materia from her wristband. She held it up, and it shone brightly.

"SHAMELESS CROSSOVER!!!" A familiar tune began to play, and a black dimensional rift opened up, Odin-style. There were some thunderous footsteps, and a mind-bogglingly huge Mickey Mouse stepped out. The giant mascot dwarfed even Glover. "Go, Mickey!" Artemis yelled. "Go get your glove back!" Mickey began to slowly move towards Glover from behind, while the Agents advanced from the front. Gray Fox raised his fist into the sky.

"Jimi, now! Purple Haze!" A bank of dark violet clouds swept over Wutai and around Glover, trapping him in a Confusion spell. Glover’s own throwing ball began to bash him over the head. "Third Stone from the Sun!" A meteor soared through the sky and crashed down on Glover. "Foxey Lady!" A woman appeared in the sky, and swept her hand over the party, with a message claiming ‘Hit rate 100%!’ "Are You Experienced!" A multi-colored wave of magic ran over the Agents, boosting their gained EXP for the battle. "Manic Depression!" A blue mist enveloped Glover, casting Sadness. "I Don’t Live Today!" A death sentence timer appeared above Glover’s head. "Fire!" A massive wave of scorching heat swept over Glover, and he was propelled back into Wutai, landing on the Pagoda of the Five Mighty Gods, completely crushing it in the process. The Agents cheered, and Jimi bowed dramatically. Suddenly Glover reared up, and two bright flashes filled the air above him.

‘Esuna, FullCure!’ read another message floating in the sky. Gray Fox gaped.

"Dammit!" Agent Benit ran up to Glover.

"You sunuva%^&*$!!" She was surrounded by a red-orange aura, sign of a limit break. "Blank Check!" She scribbled out a check for 100 gil and tossed it at Glover, who lost 10,000 HP as the check hit fluttered across his knees. Benit grinned. "Alright, guys! Let ‘er rip!" Glover roared in pain and tried to crush Benit with his middle finger. She cartwheeled out of the way. Suddenly a dimensional rift opened in front of her, and Setzer stepped out. "What the Hell?!" Benit exclaimed.

"I’ve been summoned to destroy anyone who dares copy my style!" Setzer shouted at Benit.

"Great…GUYS! Watch that your attacks are original, or Glover will summon a copy of your skills to come kill you!"

"Imbecile," Setzer said, and he used his Slots. Benit counterattacked with a Blank Check.

"I pity th’ foo’ who summon copies o’ us!" Mr. T said as he attacked Glover-WEAPON. Glover merely summoned Barret to attack Mr. T.

"Foo’!" Barret shouted, and he Satellite Beam-ed Mr. T. The giant Mickey Mouse who had been, up until wandering around spied Glover.

"Hey," he squeaked, "that’s my glove!" He reached his hand to pick Glover up, but he danced away. Mickey stomped on the ground frustratedly, which caused massive waves to hammer the Wutaian continent up and down the coast.

"This is getting pretty ridiculous," Agent Axer commented. "Maybe we could combat crappy N64 characters with good ones."

"You got a Weird Pointy-Eared Elf Thing summon?" Gray Fox asked. But the question became moot. Suddenly, definitively proving once and for all just who her mother was, a huge, grossly misshapen Yuffie rose from the site of her untimely death.

"Yuffie-BIRTH!!" all the Agents screamed in unison.

"Nobody wrecks Wutai’s temple and gets away with it," Yuffie-BIRTH growled at Glover-WEAPON in a gurgling, hideous voice. Agent CAM fainted dead away the sight of Yuffie’s true form. Nude pictures didn’t hold a candle to this.

"I knew it!" the Captain shouted. Mickey Mouse and Yuffie-BIRTH surrounded Glover-WEAPON. A fearful whimper escaped from its cloth lips. Wasting no time, Mickey seized the glove and pulled it back on his hand, essentially lobotomizing it.

"I got my glove back. Next time, Pluto doesn’t get to play with it," Mickey said satisfactorily, and he disappeared in a poof of over-priced merchandise, ‘Classic-Available for a Limited Time Only’ home videos and poorly drawn animation cels.

"That’s, like, not fair," Yuffie pouted. She turned her malformed head to face the Agents. "Guess this means I’ll have to kill you guys instead."

Meanwhile, Benit was still being held up by Setzer. She clenched her teeth and readied her glaive, the Saturn Rhapsody.

"DIE!!!" She lunged forward and impaled Setzer on it.

"Ohh, Glover, resurrect meeeeeeee…." Setzer gurgled once, then died. Benit removed him from her spear.

"Hmph. Copies my @$$. Now where were we?" She looked up and saw Yuffie-BIRTH heading toward the Agents. She snapped her fingers. "Just for you, Yuffie, an extra special Blank Check!" She quickly wrote ‘1000x1000’ on the check, and tossed it at Yuffie-BIRTH. The creature roared as the check detracted 1,000,000 of its HPs. Benit smirked. "Empty that pot ‘o gold! It’s danger to me eyes!"

Axer ran up to Yuffie-BIRTH and shook his fists.

"Try to mess with us Agents, huh? You’ll regret it, you deformed freak of nature!" The familiar orange-red aura surrounded him, and he placed both hands out in front of him. "Wnah!" The Wnah spirit exploded through Yuffie’s torso. She stared down at the bloody hole.

"Like, how dare you do that? I have, like, this big hole in my body and it doesn’t even match my outfit!"

"If she considers that an outfit, I’d have to wonder about her fashion tastes," the recently-revived Agent CAM said. He shuddered. Yuffie flailed her jelly-like arms.

"Like, you’re gonna die now!" Agent Axer ducked her swing, and ran back among the other Agents.

"Is there anything that can stop this thing?" he asked. The Agents heard a sudden deep roar above. The group looked up, and saw that the Highwind had been outfitted with the barrel of the Junon Cannon on the underside, courtesy of the Junj Brigade’s hard work and Shera’s techincal genius. Junjie waved from the deck. The Agents waved back, while Cid swore up a blue streak upon learning that someone had worked on his baby when he wasn’t present.

"We’re charging up the cannon right now!" Junjie yelled. "Hold it off until we’re ready!" Gray Fox strode up to Yuffie-BIRTH.

"Let me try." He went into a limit break, and leapt high into the air, bearing down on the monster’s head. A stainless steel spatula appeared in his hand, and he began to beat Yuffie-BIRTH over the head with it, Omnislash-style. After about 20 strikes, he landed back on the ground.

"You call that a limit break?" Agent CAM asked. Agent Gray Fox shrugged.

"Hey, there’s a first time for everything," he said simply. Yuffie-BIRTH bellowed.

"Fools! Now I’ll, like, show you all my ultimate limit break!" She raised her flagella to the sky. "Omnicatastrophefinalgospelcosmocreationslotschaoshighwind!" As soon as the power began to focus, it stopped. "Like, huh?" A portal opened up above Yuffie-BIRTH, and the cast of Final Fantasy VII, sans Yuffie and Barret, dropped out and promptly destroyed the creature for stealing their limit breaks. As Yuffie-BIRTH did the big pink-red boom, Cloud twirled his sword, and he and the rest of the cast disappeared.

"Alright!" Agent CAM yelled, "we’re safe. But I didn’t get a chance to use my limit break…." He began to pout.

"I pity the foo’ that think they’re an original and shoot me with some foo’ satellite!" Mr. T yelled. "I’ll show you my limit break, Barretsucka! It’s called Tossing Yo’ Ass!" He picked up Barret by the ankle, and tossed him as hard as he could. The Mr. T rip-off quickly disappeared over the horizon.

"Everyone knows that Barret can’t stand up to the real thing," the Captain noted. The Agents fell to congratulating and celebrating. In the middle of the revelry, however, yet another huge portal opened up. Mickey Mouse stepped out, eyes flaming red. The glove on his hand pulsed wildly.

"Oh my spoony!" Agent Artemis exclaimed. "Glover has taken over Mickey! There’s no end to his evil!" Agent Neener took a deep breath.

"M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!!!!"

"Shera!" Cid called to the Highwind hovering above. "Light his candy @$$ up!" Blue energy started to collect around the barrel of the Junon Cannon. But before it could fire, Mickey tore it from the airship and placed on his shoulder, rocket-launcher style. Cid gaped. "&^#%! ))(*&*^^&%^%!#$$^&(() )(*&&^ ^*^&$%% $!$%*&)()(*^*& %^$% #!$$&*((*&^%$%$%%%#!$$^&)) (*&&&^^^&$%^#!#&%&^((* &^&%!$^%$!$&* ((*&^%$^&!*((((&*^%%$$% $!!%^((*&%%$(*%^^$ %$&^!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Heh," CAM said, cracking his bullwhip and chugging a mocha, "Cid just pulled a Cid." The other Agents, save for Agent Neener who was still very much involved in singing her song, slapped themselves on the forehead.

"Oh, CAM, a whip," a gurgly voice said. "Very kinky." Yuffie rose from the ground, this time a a different set of colors.

"Yuffie-LIFE…." Gray Fox mused. Comical steam blew out of Agent CAM’s ears.

"First I was forced to see you nude and die as a result of it, then I vomited up all the Twinkies I’ve been eating after our last battle, and now you’re telling me I’m kinky?" He cracked the whip. "You’re going down, $%^&*!! Beat Down!" CAM leapt into the air over Yuffie-LIFE’s head, and drop kicked her. Then he began to lash her with the whip. After several thousand lashes, he flipped back onto the ground and withdrew his Disgruntled Postal Worker Materia. "Drive-by Shooting!" A small postal truck bearing an eagle with several bullet holes in its head appeared out of nowhere, and its disgruntled occupant gunned Yuffie down with a M16A2 before disappearing. CAM withdrew another Materia. "And now for my grand finale…Riverdance!" The Lord of the Dance, in larger form, fell from the sky and began dancing on Yuffie’s head, soon reducing it to a yellowish sludge, killing her. The Lord of the Dance disappeared, and CAM gave a thumbs-up sign as the headless body of Yuffie-LIFE collapsed to the ground. Yet another portal opened in the middle of the battlefield.

"These portals are really starting to wear on me," Gray Fox said. Bart Fatima stepped out, brandishing his own whip.

"I’m supposed to hurt you for copying my moves," Bart said. CAM glanced at him, and he promptly ran back into the portal, screaming. It closed behind him.

"You’re too stressed out, CAM," Agent Artemis said. CAM withdrew a cigarette from his beaten flight jacket, lit it, and took a long drag. He fell onto his knees, coughing and hacking.

"Amateur," Cid commented, smoking as always.

"Just because you look like Cid, CAM," Solid Ekans said, helping CAM to his feet, "doesn’t mean you are him." The gargantuan Mickey Mouse stomped its foot on the ground, trying to get the group to notice it. Suddenly, there was a sound like a runaway vacuum on speed. The Agents gasped as Yuffie rose again, this time a meld of black and red. She gurgled out a laugh.

"Ha! You, like, you could, like, kill me! But, like, the joke’s on you, ‘cuz, like, I still have this form and SYNTHESIS to, like, kill you all!" Agent Artemis grimaced.

"Ugh…it’s sickening. But I might as well jump on the bandwagon and try a limit break too." She pointed her index finger at Yuffie-DEATH as she was surrounded by red light. Artemis levitated to the level of the thing’s head. "Vulcan Eye Poke!" She drove the finger straight into its beady black eyes. Yuffie-DEATH roared, and covered her face with her flagellic limbs. Artemis floated back to the ground.

"Like, OW! You’ll, like, pay for that!" Yuffie-DEATH threatened. Agent Neener, who had since realized that she had a purpose other than to sing, snapped her fingers. She took a deep breath.

"Get down!" the Captain yelled.

"Save the Twinkies!" CAM echoed. The Agents threw themselves onto the ground and covered their ears.

"Siren Song!" Agent Neener bellowed, and launched into a deafening melody. "ON TOP OF OLD SMOKEY, ALL COVERED WITH BLOOD, I SHOT MY POOR TEACHER…" Yuffie-DEATH exploded, splattering the huddled ranks of the Agents with entrails and goo.

"Blech," Gray Fox said disgustedly, getting to his feet, "I thought she looked bad on the outside." He scraped some of the green-yellow goo off of himself.

"You don’t know the half of it…," CAM said.

"What’s the supposed to mean?" Gray Fox asked. Agent Axer interjected.

"Um, not to interrupt, but doesn’t Yuffie still supposedly have one form left? And what about Mickey?" The evil mascot was now slamming through Da-Chao with glee.

"I’ll take care of Yuffie," Gray Fox said. "You guys go get on the Highwind and we’ll see if we can get away once I finish with Yuffie. Mickey’s occupied anyway."

"What’re you gonna do, beat her to death with a spatula?" Agent Benit asked, more than a hint of sarcasm in her voice. Gray Fox grumbled.

"Just hurry up and go. I have my ways, okay?" There was a dubious murmur among the Agents, and the shuffled off toward the airship, still hovering above. Agent Gray Fox seated himself Indian-style on the ground and hummed All Along the Watchtower, waiting for Yuffie to regenerate herself. He didn’t have to wait long. Yuffie rose, waving multiple tentacles into the air. The lone Agent waved cheerfully.

"’Sup, Yuffie?" Yuffie-SYNTHESIS cackled with glee.

"I’ll, like, definitely be able to, like, kill one Agent! Like, I’ll take you on!" Gray Fox grinned, and the limit flare surrounded him

"Okay, Yuffie! My ultimate limit break, PhilosoBS!" Gray Fox started glowing bright white, and his hair stood up on end and blew back and forth in a sudden gust of wind. He crossed his arms over his chest.

"If a tree falls in the forest, and there’s nobody around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

"Huh? Like, whattya mean?" Yuffie-SYNTHESIS asked cluelessly.

"What’s the sound of one hand clapping?" The white glow expanded to a crackling aura.

"I don’t know! This is, like, confusing!"

"Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" Yuffie-SYNTHESIS clutched her head in two of her tentacles.

"AUGH! I, like, give up already! Like, leave me alone!" Gray Fox smirked, and raised his hands to the sky. The energy collected around him grew even brighter, and he lifted off of the ground a few feet.

"And now for my coup de grace…why are you so ugly?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGHHHHHHHHH HHHHHH HHHHHHHH HHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yuffie-SYNTHESIS’ head exploded, splattering the entrail and debris-littered ground with more gunk. The energy disappeared from around the wildly grinning Agent. He bowed deeply.

"Thank you very much, goodnight!" Gray Fox turned and ran toward the Highwind, grabbing the swaying rope ladder and climbing up as the ship rose higher into the sky. He scrambled onto the deck, and saw Mickey Mouse begin to charge after the fleeing airship, ignoring his continued destruction of Wutai. He shouldered the massive Junon Cannon and fired it. The shot went wide, seeing as Mickey had never operated a firearm before. He roared and stamped his feet as the Highwind flew off into the late afternoon sky.

Scene 35:

Setting: Kalm

Time: 4:10 PM

"You guys hear anything?" Eve asked. The villainess, posing as Rude, was trying to get the Turks smashed in order to extract information.

"Nope," Reno said, tossing down a shot of some noxious substance.

"Neither have I, Rude," Tseng said.

"I’m not Rude…," Eve began, but quickly caught herself. "Oh, wait, heh, that’s just the booze talking." Tseng made a sweeping motion with his arm, knocking over and breaking several glasses in the process.

"Sounds like you need some more then…because we always thought you were mute." Eve swallowed nervously, but Tseng continued on, oblivious. "It’s a good thing you can talk now. I always said booze does a body good."

"It’s nice to know you’re not dead, for some odd reason, Tseng," Elena commented, throwing back her neck to chug a bottle of beer. Reno mumbled something about a plot contrivance, and belched loudly. Tseng ordered another round of drinks.

"You know, Elena," he said, "you’re very pretty when I’m drunk." Elena smiled brightly.

"Thanks!" she said. Tseng hiccuped.

"It’s no problem, baby."

Agents Billy Lee: Man of Action and the Pimpinator slouched against the wall outside the bar, shooting the breeze. Billy Lee squinted at the horizon.

"What’s that?" Something sparkled blue in the distance, and it increasingly got larger, soon revealing itself as the stray blast from the Junon Cannon. It hit Billy Lee dead on, only to be reflected back the way it came by his rock-hard Levi Dungarees. The Pimpinator puffed on his joint.

"Nice pants." Billy Lee nodded in agreement and smoothed his hair.

"You know, Pimpinator, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you."

"What’s that?" the robot asked.

"Since you’re a robot, and can’t get high, why you gotta do drugs?"

"Don’t know," the Pimpinator said. "Eve must have put it in my programming to make me seem more pimp-like, I guess."

"Oh." They resumed their slouching behavior, waiting for their mistress to finish with her boozing.

Scene 36:

Setting: The Highwind

Time: 4:15 PM

The Agents stood on the deck, watching Mickey Mouse shake his fist at them. Suddenly, the reflected shot from the Junon Cannon whizzed directly past the Highwind, causing Cid to launch into an involved tale of the shot’s parentage and sexual orientation. It continued on, and hit Mickey in the hand, severing the Glover-WEAPON. It flopped to the ground. Mickey shook his head as if waking up from a deep sleep.

"Now I’m free of you!" he yelled at Glover. "May your N64 evils forever be drowned out!" With that, he kicked the glove into the ocean, where it promptly drowned. Mickey shook his remaining fist. "You’re next, Eve." He began to walk toward Kalm, but he tripped over the Captain’s crashed speedboat, fell into the ocean, and drowned.

"That was interesting," Agent Axer commented.

"Yep," Agent CAM said. He reared his head back and blew his nose.

"Ewwwww…," Agent Artemis said.

"Hey, where’s my scarf?" Cid demanded.

"Um…," CAM began. The Agents all turned to look at him. He held up the item with which he had blown his nose. "Well, uh, I thought scarves were kinda like hankies…." Cid smacked CAM in the back of the head, among general grumblings of disgust among the group. Cid was about to say something, but was interrupted as Agent Neener ran out to the deck with a boombox playing Fly Away. CAM gasped.

"Oh no," Solid Ekans said. Agent 1469 covered his eyes.

"Must…resist…the music…." Agent CAM visibly struggled.

"Resistance is futile," Agent Neener said with a strangely blank look on her face. Sure enough, it was.

"I want to get away!" CAM sang. Agent Neener joined in.

"I’m gonna flyyyyyy awaaaaaaaaayyyyy!" they sang together, horribly off key.

"Damn," Agent Gray Fox muttered. Agent Solid Ekans put his hands on the railing and looked down at the ground moving by below.

"So," he asked, "does anyone know where Eve went off to?"

"No."

"Yes…I mean, no."

Solid Ekans blinked.

"Nobody?" The myriad Agents all shook their heads. Suddenly, a lightbulb appeared over Agent Benit’s head.

"How’d ‘dat thing get there, foo’?" Mr. T asked. Jimi whispered something in his ear about LSD, and Mr. T’s eyes widened.

"Nevermind how it got there!" Benit said irritably. "Did you guys think I make money for the fun of it?" The Agents shrugged and nodded. "Well, I don’t! They’re really listening devices!" She withdrew a device that looked like a Walkman from her pocket and switched it on. The sound of Eve’s voice, mingled in with serveral others, came through. "I got it onto Eve during our Pokémon battle. Heh, she never noticed," Benit whispered. They listened to the device a while longer.
"Where are…," Agent Axer began.

"Whisper!" Agent Benit hissed.

"Alright, alright. Where are they?" Agent Axer whispered.

"Somewhere unexpected, I’ll bet," Cid said. There was a sudden sound of clinking, pouring and gulping.

"You don’t think?…" Agent Artemis began.

"Of course! Getting spiked in Kalm!" Agent Benit switched off the device. "And if that ain’t it, there’s plenty of other places she could get drunk." Agent Blues snickered.

"Yeah, she might be allied with the Turks for beer," Gray Fox commented.

"Now, now, we don’t need this," Benit said. The Agents began to move off of the deck and inside the Highwind.

"Hey, wait!" Agent the Captain cried. "What about my limit?"

"Forget it," Agent Benit said, as she walked inside. "We’re done here."

"But…but…waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…." Suddenly, in the biggest plot contrivance yet, a gigantic Saddam Hussein rosed from the bowels of the Earth. He waved a burning American flag at the Highwind. The Captain looked around and saw that he was the only Agent remaining on the deck. He leapt to the ground in front of the monstrous megalomaniac. He had to defeat the villain to let the Highwind escape, which might enable him to stay with the group for a change.

"Hey, relax, guy!" Saddam boomed. "Looks like you just need a rest!" The Captain grinned.

"You’re going down, you evil, blood-thirsty, poker-cheating, puppy-whacking, ashtray-stealing, smoking-in-a-nonsmoking-section villain!" Without warning, the Captain began to glow red. "Rocket Town!" Dark, foreboding gray clouds appeared in the air overhead. The sky above Saddam began to swirl eerily, getting larger and larger as lightning crackled inside. It began to glow brightly, first red, then yellow, than red again, then yellow, and finally a piercing white. Then, 17,000 tons of fanfiction poured out of the vortex and landed on Saddam, crushing every bone in his body. And when the monster finally managed to crawl out, 20,000 more tons fell onto him. These were followed by 14,000 tons of groundless hatemail, 16,000 tons of impossible and illogical CG requests and 15,000 incoherent e-mails. The gargantuan pile sank back into the Planet, due to its own weight, taking Saddam with it. It left a massive crater. The Captain pumped his fist, and turned to climb back on the Highwind. To his surprise, the rope ladder had already been rolled up, and the airship was lifting up and away. He started to run.

"Hey, guys, wait! Wait for me!" Unfortunately for the Captain, he tripped on a rock and fell into the recently-created crater. He plummeted through a long, winding, strange music-filled tunnel, toward the center of the Planet. As he opened his eyes, one word came to mind. "Lifestream?"

"Have any of you guys ever had this really icky feeling in your stomach, like something bad is going to happen?" Agent Neener asked the Agents, who were slouching around the bridge. Shera and the Junj Brigade had piloted the ship in the escape, much to the discontent of Cid.

"Maybe you just have gas," CAM supplied thoughtfully. Agent Neener smacked the defenseless Agent. He fell to the deck, semi-conscious.

"Purple monkey dishwasher?…." CAM asked in a childish tone of voice, staring at the ceiling. Gray Fox stared at him silently.

"You know, Neener, I think I know what you mean. I feel like we’re missing something….," Agent Axer said.

"…Something vital to the team….," Agent Artemis mused.

"…Something so important we would all cease to exist without…," Solid Ekans said.

"Oh $^#@!" Cid cried. "The Dukes are half over!" Cid and the rest of the team rushed over to the TV and switched it on. Cid sighed happily and lit a cigarette as the General Lee drove around on the screen. Shera rushed to the controls, making sure the ship did not crash.

While the other Agents watched the Dukes of Hazzard, Agent Benit wandered out to the deck. She watched the land fly by below.

"You know, I think we forgot Agent the Captain at Wutai," she said to herself. She shrugged. Suddenly, the Highwind was buffeted back and forth by strong crosswinds.

"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, but we have turbulence up ahead," one of the copilots said. Benit gripped the railing and tried to get to the wildly swinging door back inside.

"Ugh, no kidding!" Then, a particularly strong gust hit the airship and she was thrown off the Highwind, on a collision course with the ground far below.

Agent Benit rubbed her head.

"Oh $%#@! Where am I?" She realized that she was on the ground, not moving. "No! I fell off the Highwind! I wonder where I am, though…." Benit looked around. She looked around again. She looked around for half an hour longer. "Oh wait! Don’t tell me! I’m near Kalm!"

Scene 37:

Setting: Kalm

Time: 4:55 PM

Eve, still posing as Rude, and the Turks were still consuming an unholy amount of alcohol at the bar. Eve raised her finger, and a man sitting at one of the tables spontaneously collapsed into a puddle of mitochondriac goo.

"Whoa, Rude, you’ve got to tell me how you did that," Reno said drunkenly.

"What was that for anyway?" Elena asked.

"Oh," Eve said, "whenever I get a bad feeling about something, I burn or liquefy someone. I learned it in Shinra special training."

"Okay," Reno said. He chugged a fifth of vodka.

"You got a bad feeling about something for a reason!" came a muffled voice. Eve looked around confusedly. Then, part of the ceiling came down as Agent Benit smashed through it.

"To protect the world from decaffeination," she said, trying to imitate Shera.

"To unite all pilots within our nation," she said in a poor imitation of Cid’s voice.

"To denounce the evils of Nintendo’s glove."

"To launch Shinra-26 to the stars above."

"Agent Benit!" Benit said, doing Shera’s pose.

"Agent Benit!" She said, doing Cid’s pose.

"Team Rocket Town blast off at the speed of light!"

"Sit your ass down and drink your goddamn tea!"

"Meow! That’s right!" She did her Cait Sith pose, and faced Eve, ready for battle.

"I think this dame is drunker than we are," Reno said, drinking straight tequila.

"Eve! Feel the wrath of my limit break, Blank Check!" Agent Benit tossed a check at Eve, but a horde of goo jumped out from nowhere and absorbed the damage.

"She is drunk. Heh, she’s calling Rude ‘Eve,’" Tseng said. Benit grabbed another Blank Check, but was shocked to discover that she was all out.

"Uh…oh." Eve turned in her barstool.

"What are you waiting for? Get her!" The Turks slid off their stools and lurched drunkenly toward Benit. Reno lunged at her, trying to woo her with his seductive charms. Benit merely smacked him over the head with a bag of coins. He fell to the ground, stars circling his head. Tseng attempted to run at the Agent, but she stepped sideways and tripped him, causing his head to smash into the bar. He fell on top of Reno. Elena looked around nervously, and saw that she was the only one left. She removed an animal from her pocket.

"I guess now it’s time for…," she began.

"A cat fight," Benit finished as she removed a cat from her backpack. Elena and Benit set the cats on the ground, and they instantly leapt at each other, clawing and biting and scratching. A mysterious cloud of dust rose around the battling felines. After a few minutes, the dust settled and Benit’s cat stood triumphantly over Elena’s.

"Nooooo!!!" Elena cried, and she fell on top of Reno and Tseng, unconscious. Benit made the victory sign.

"Ha! Benit’s win, number one!" The door to the bar burst open, and the rest of the Agents ran in, brandishing weapons ranging from whips to Magikarps.

"We’re here!" Cid chimed. The Agents saw Benit standing over a pile of unconscious Turks.

"Oh, sorry, guys. I already mopped the floor with these guys."

"Hey, where’s Eve? I don’t see her in the pile," CAM said, eating a Twinkie. Benit slapped her forehead.

"D’oh! I forgot about her while I was fighting the Turks!" Benit whirled around, only to see that Eve was gone, having left a few cents on the bar. "Ugh. We’ll have to track her down again." Agent 1469 spat on his comrades.

‘Get hammered without me, will they? And they thought Eve was me!’ The Agents walked out of the bar, leaving the Turks to their sweet dreams and monstrous bar tabs.

As the Agents made their way back to the Highwind, something caught Cid’s eye. It was a bright orange car, parked next to the bar. His eyes shone.

"It’s the General Lee!"

"There’s something not right about this," Agent Benit said. Suddenly, the car transformed into the Pimpinator.

"Pimpin’ ain’t easy," he buzzed.

"That’s not the General Lee!" CAM gasped. "It’s an impostor!"

"How dare you impersonate an icon?!" Cid yelled at the Pimpinator. He quickly Dragon Dived the offensive robot.

"Fool! My body armor is far too strong for your puny attacks." The Pimpinator moved his chest plates apart and released some steam. "Hobots, get them!" An army of Hobots came from behind the bar and rushed the Agents.

Scene 38:

Setting: Nibelheim

Time: 5:05 PM

The tour bus meandered through the Nibel Mountains, destroying a good deal of the age-old range with its tires. It stopped at the Mako fountain.

"This is the Mount Nibel Mako Fountain," the tour guide said over the intercom. There was instantly the sound of 50 flashbulbs going off, courtesy of the busload of Japanese tourists. Then, Agent the Captain, and a good deal of the refuse from the Rocket Town limit, burst from the Mako surrounding the fountain like a modestly-sized Polaris missile. "And here is the Captain and several thousand tons of garbage," the guide announced. "The Lifestream is obviously where Rocket Town dumps its trash." The tourists’ cameras flashed as the Captain stumbled onto the bus.

"Where’s this bus headed to?" he asked.

"Kalm Town," the guide answered.

"Alright," the Captain said, tossing the driver 100 gil amidst the flashing cameras, "step on it!"

Scene 39:

Setting: Back in Kalm

Time: 5:07 PM

The Agents desperately tried to avoid their attackers. They fought using their limit breaks, weapons and oddball Materia. A group of Hobots surrounded Solid Ekans.

"You know," he said, fighting off Hobots with his Magikarp, "I never used my limit attack!" He was surrounded by the now-standard limit flare. "MGS/Parappa Ref Hyper Combo!" He leaped over the Hobots and landed in front of the Pimpinator. Glowing bright red, he began to rap. "U, uh, u, uh, no way! You’ve been turned into a car, yes, now for days!" He paused and did record-scratching motions with his hands. "Did you check the toilets on the right?" The Pimpinator confusedly looked to his right, where there was indeed a bathroom stall. Seeing his opponent distracted by a bathroom-type object, Ekans did the only logical thing to do in Metal Gear Solid when someone was facing a bathroom. He rushed up to the Pimpinator and stuck all the C4 he had in his bottomless Inventory onto the robot’s back. He began to run back into the battle, but the Pimpinator turned and saw him. A large red exclamation point appeared over his head. Solid Ekans ignited the C4, and the Pimpinator was propelled backwards through the ranks of the Hobots, crashing into a building. The Agents, seeing their window of opportunity, ran from the dazed Hobots to the waiting Highwind outside town.

Scene 40:

Setting: The Highwind

Time: 5:15 PM

The Agents had escaped the Pimpinator and his army of Hobots, and now were once again scattered around the Highwind’s bridge. Agent Axer stood in Cloud’s spot before the windshield and clapped his hands for attention.

"I know where we should go! I don’t know why, it’s probably another plot contrivance! But…." He whirled around and pointed to the clouds outside. "To the Gold Saucer!"

"Silly Agent," CAM said, nibbling on a Twinkie, "you’re pointing toward Kalm. The Gold Saucer is that way." Agent Axer blinked in confusion.

"CAM," Agent Artemis began, "those Twinkies really aren’t healthy. I’m pretty sure one of the ingredients was animal growth hormones. It could cause a Jekyll-and-Hyde reaction if it’s not contained." Agent CAM shrugged, and hiccuped loudly. Suddenly, smoke shot out from the floor, and standing in CAM’s place was a large, red, demonic-looking creature. It laughed a booming, extremely evil laugh.

"I…AM…FREE. NOW NOBODY…CAN…STOP…MY PLANS…FOR…DESTRUCTION!!"

"That thing came out of Lumina?" Agent Gray Fox asked, in a strangely high-pitched voice.

"It’s the Wizard of Darkness!" Axer gasped.

"Dark Lumina!" Artemis seconded. Dark Lumina hiccuped, and instantly reverted back to CAM. Agent Benit diverted her attention from minting counterfeit GP to look at the confused Agent.

"Did you say somethin’?"

"I said something?"

Go on to Section 5