Final Pokémon Solid 3

Part The End

The soft rumble of a waterfall echoed as endlessly as it ever had. Generations of cascading water had drifted by these rocks without a single visitor, for this waterfall was hidden away deep in the Nibel Mountains. It had a pair of visitors now, and they weren’t exactly the happiest of troopers. Agent Gray Fox stood rigidly facing TwinkiEVA 01, Kusotare, which was knee-deep in the small lake at the base of the waterfall. The mobile suit stared back, seeing no reason to initiate with a human as stubborn as this one.

Gray Fox, unfortunately, was of almost the exact same mind. Add to this that the Agent was considerably angry on top of being thoroughly stubborn, and the scene was going no where fast. Luckily, that’s what other characters are for.

"Are you just going to stand there for the rest of the story?" called a voice from high atop a rock outcropping. Gray Fox looked up and found his ever-present Guardian Force companion Jimi Hendrix looming against the sky like an ominous bird of prey.

"What do you want?" Fox shouted back, edgy, "Your work here is done, isn’t it? This is the point where the other heroes are supposed to figure out how to save the day without using their summoned creatures."

"Don’t give me that ‘other heroes’ jive, man," Jimi sighed, leaping down from his perch to Fox’s level. "You just like the rest of them, man. It’s high time you got to crackin’ down on some of this nonsense once an’ for all."

"I have no right to pilot the TwinkiEVA," grumbled Fox, "Hi-C nearly tore me apart. I lost to a stronger opponent! I don’t deserve to fight!" The Agent kicked a rock down into the lake. "This is all nonsense. I should have just stayed my mysterious, stoic self, like I was in the start of all this."

"What was the start of all this?" Jimi mused. His guitar materialized in his hands and he began to plink out a few notes. "When did the cogs of fate begin to turn?" Fox tried angrily to resist, but Hendrix’s musical ref magic had already begun to take effect. A wash of recap images from his previous adventures, along with his own gratuitous flashbacks, came sweeping down through Fox’s mind, rumbling like the torrent of the waterfall. The young man blinked as it ended, bringing him full circle up to the present.

"I am…," he began slowly, "I’m…."

"You’re the -Destined-, man," Jimi wailed on a high note, playing his instrument backwards, "Now get out there and do some destined kinda stuff! Yeeeowww!"

"My friends," Fox continued, rubbing at his head, "Where are they?"

"My sensors indicate that there’s some bad @&*# going down back at Rocket Town," Kusotare interjected, tired of the relentless angst.

"Hey, man, that rhymed like crazy," Jimi said, turning to speak to the Gear. "We gotta double headline a show o’ something."

"Yeah, okay, whatever. Fox, you suck. Get in the big blue robot."

"You need some groove, Kusotare," Fox snickered, clambering into the cockpit. Without another word, Kusotare’s massive black wings spread and lifted the mobile suit off the ground. A quick spin and the Gear was literally nose-diving towards Rocket Town.

Mewtwo’s head hurt. The revelation his mother had made to him was an enormous one. He’d warned the Agents about the impending Plot Contrivance, but still more remained. There was no chance that his mother would’ve lied to him, but he was willing to believe...almost desperate to believe...that perhaps he’d heard the rest of her message wrong, having learned about the Plot Contrivance spell immediately beforehand. His mother wouldn’t answer his own psychic call for some reason, and he couldn’t get a fix on her location. Mewtwo needed answers. And on the FFVII world, there was one place to get the answers.

Nibelheim.

Mewtwo made his way down the hidden stairway and through the basement. His only chance of sorting things out would be down here if it was anywhere. Documents had a habit of attracting themselves through time and space to come to rest in this library of material. Tip-toeing past Vincent’s room in order not to wake anyone inside, the Pokémon entered the laboratory itself. Moving swiftly, his eyes hunted across the shelves. Sure enough, everything was organized properly, and it took him only a minute to find what he was searching for – the book that would either confirm his nightmares… or banish them.

Mewtwo wiped away a bit of dust to read the title. "Final Pokémon Solid 3 – Completed Edition."

He turned to the last chapter and began to read.

"I don’t suppose we could sit down and discuss this reasonably," the Captain offered, squirming. "You know, have some @#$% tea...?"

"No," Miang said shortly, "Q, Mew, get up here. We’re leaving." The Princess and the Pokémon made their way towards Opiomorph. The Gear’s free hand opened to serve as a seat for Miang’s accomplices, both of whom seemed thoroughly expressionless despite not having been mind-siezed by Miang.

"Artemis...," the Captain growled, through gritted teeth, "Honestly...of all people—"

"I’ve had just about enough of your babbling now," Miang sighed, waving a hand at the Captain and Ethereally clamping his mouth shut. "It’s been a very long story and I’m anxious to finish this up, okay? So everyone just cooperate and we’ll be all done in no time."

"Oh no you don’t!" Gray Fox announced. Kusotare came roaring down from out of the sky, landed, and posed. "I am Agent Gray Fox, the -Destined-, pilot of TwinkiEVA 01, and in the name of Rocket Town allies and all that is groovy, I will punish you with extreme prejudice. Word up."

"Oh, yes, you," Miang frowned, "I’d almost forgotten about you. You didn’t do much for most of the last chapter."

"Yeah, well, I had internal reflection to do," snarled the Agent, "And you’ll have plenty of that ahead of you, after I royally kick your tail."

"Your quips are impressive, as is your fighting ability," nodded Miang, smiling deviously, "But are you powerful enough to handle… two enemy Gears?" Another motion of her hand toward the Captain sent a wave of dark energy rippling out of the Rocket Town webmaster. Princess Q copied the motion with her own hand, helping Miang’s Ether with the Guardian Angel’s Arcane. The Captain began to tremble. Dark beads of caffeine began to run down his cheeks. Gray Fox and the others could only watch, horrified. In a crash of thunder, a nefarious-looking dark red Gear appeared from out of a dimensional fold, hovering over Opiomorph and looking suspiciously like Kusotare. Bolts of black lightning crackled between the new Gear and the Captain’s shuddering form. A cheap MIDI remix of the Volga Boat Song, enhanced with a slammin’ techno beat, began to descend from the heavens, and in a flash of light, the Captain became his very evil Russian counterpart. The Agents froze in shock.

"Ah-hah! You see, I have returned!" Trainer the Captain shouted. "And I come…bearing…backstory!" Trainer the Captain took a seat by a large movie screen. A cross-shaped necklace swung and flashed behind him. "You see, little Reeziel, when he vas at ze orphanage, vas a confuzed little boy. Not only vas he parentless, but he vas picked on, and one of ze children kept stealing his Twinkies." The screen showed little Reeziel’s ball being stolen and an oddly familiar brown haired boy materializing from behind a corner to pickpocket a Twinkie. Trainer the Captain folded his hands. "But Reeziel, you zee, never fought back. Instead, he kept his feelings bottled up, a reservoir of rage, like…a Molotov cocktail, but on a more metaphysical level…and a little less cool…eventually, zat reservoir separated from his psyche, his consciousness, and began to be able to take on a human form in times of great duress on Reeziel’s part. Zat, zen, is I, ze oily rag in zat Molotov cocktail of ze soul: Trainer ze Captain, ze physical manifestation of ze Captain’s innermost feelings of rage towardz ze Agents and ze world zat made his childhood zuch mizery!" Lightning dramatically crackled behind him.

"Hold on a minute," Agent Phantom Ghost broke in. "I would like to take the opportunity to point out the dramatic overextension of a metaphor, as used by Trainer the Captain. Kids, remember, he is a professional supervillain and can almost get away with talking about Molotov cocktails that much. Don’t try it in English class, or in angsty fanfiction about Fei, Shinji, or, Kami forbid, anything self-insertion. And also, if you’re part of the Captain, how come he was able to talk to you independently when you were battling Estharian warships?"

Trainer the Captain blinked.

"…You see…uh…he vas drunk. On Molson. And love. And plot contrivances. Uhhhh…continuing…but zat is not ze end of ze tale. I had followed ze exploits of ze Agents through ze Captain, at least when he was not missing. Gray Fox made himself most convenient by uncovering ze TwinkiEVA Kusotare, the all-powerful relic of a lost civilization, buried in a dungeon for millennia! But what Gray Fox did not know, and Kusotare did not tell him, was zat he had a…counterpart, one just as powerful as him, but…more…unstable, zhall we say? Of course, zat was perfect for a super-duper evil manifestation of hidden rage like yourz truly, zo I took it upon myself to locate this other TwinkiEVA, and now, as you can zee, I have! But I could not find ze second Anima Twinkie, needed to power it, and zat is when I cut a deal with Miang here. She told me ze location of the Anima Twinkie in return for my help in eliminating -The Destined-, the one who could control ze TwinkiEVA and stop Time Kompression! And I plan to make good on my promise! Behold!" Trainer the Captain raised his hand, and Princess Q’s Emergency Twinkie floated out of CAM’s inventory. The protective, child-proof seal ripped open, blasting the assembled heroes with an otherwordly light. The Anima Twinkie floated into the waiting Gear, followed by Trainer the Captain.

"Gray Fox!" shouted the Trainer. "Prepare to feel the wrath of…Unit 00!" The red gear’s eyes flickered to life.

"Um," Gray Fox began, "Can’t we have an original major, apocalyptic boss battle, for a change? The whole ‘feel the wrath’ bit is so overdone, and it might not even be true, because, hey, why would Unit 00 be mad at me, and, you know, hey, throw me a bone here, alright? I want a cool fight scene."

"Uhh…hold on…Gray Fox! Prepare to meet your destiny!" the Trainer boomed.

Gray Fox sighed.

"Look, both you and I know you can do better than this. We all know it’s my destiny to do this stuff in this particular installment of this lovable FPS series, which has the potential for milking out at least a few more hilarious escapades if our loyal fans give me money, because I’m the Destined. Get a clue."

"Fine," the Trainer said, exasperated. "I’m going to destroy you so thoroughly that there won’t even be rumors spread all around the Net by a ‘former FPS Agent’ that you were originally supposed to be brought back to life, but someone edited it out of the story in an attempt to steal your funk!"

"Hey, that’s more like it," Gray Fox said. "To battle!"

Unit 00 clenched its fists and spread its impressive wings.

"You are late, Unit 01! You’ve kept me waiting forever!" it barked.

"That voice! It really is you, Unit 00, you loser," Kusotare sneered.

"I will never forgive you for giving me this laser burn!"

"You gave yourself that burn when you tripped and fell!"

"Disengage your vocal processor! If you had listened to me, that would not have happened!" Unit 00 said indignantly.

"Sorry, pal, but the Lindy Hop was and still is not my style of determining who wins gigantic robot battles!"

"That’s true…I recall you always were a bigger fan of the Hustle, until that unfortunate accident with that Abel guy. That was a mess."

"Hey, shut up, are you trying to ruin my cred around here?" Kusotare said under his breath.

"Never mind that, then! The point is, I have come here today to duel with you, Unit 01!

"But don’t you realize that you just get in the way of this story’s eventual, long-delayed ending? I know that you wouldn’t want to get in the way of the enjoyment of our legions of fans and the development of future cash-ins sequels."

"Oh…" Unit 00 said slowly. "Oh really?"

"So," Kusotare continued, "I think it’d be a waste of my time to duel with you now."

"Okay, then, I shall come back later…huh? Hey! You tricked me, Unit 01! I’ve read this story! There’s been foreshadowing to our eventual battle ever since the beginning! If I just disappeared, there would be plot holes in this thing more gaping than Steven Tyler’s mouth!"

"Heh," Kusotare said. "Didn’t work, but I’ll try anything once. Anyways, I’m kinda busy now, so catch you later, ‘kay?"

"Hmph!" Unit 00 huffed. "You’d be much nicer to me if you knew about the nice present I have for you."

"Present?"

"Yes, present. It’s right…" Unit 00 slowly pointed downwards. Kusotare peered after it. "…HERE!" The red Gear quickly pulled his finger away and poked Kusotare in the eye. "Haha, loser!"

"OW, I can’t believe I fell for that! Damned Sam son of a submariner spoony bard are sick!"

"I did not want to play unfairly, but I had no other choice."

"Alright then," Kusotare growled, straightening. "I accept your challenge!"

"Unit 01, get ready to perish!"

The two TwinkiEVAs slammed into each other and began grappling. Miang laughed haughtily as the Ether began to fly.

"Excellent! Not only will this dispose of that pesky -Destined-, but it will allow the machine added time to extract the essences of the -Key- and -Power-. Once I have -the Contact-, all will be completed." She steepled her fingers and watched from Opiomorph.

Gray Fox desperately tried to hold on to his funk (and lunch) as Kusotare lurched back and forth trying to gain the upper hand against his equally powerful rival.

"Kusotare! Progressive Knee!"

"Right!" The TwinkiEVA spun and planted his knee firmly betwixt the legs of Unit 00.

"THAT SHOULDN’T HURT AS MUCH AS IT DOES," Unit 00 groaned.

"Agent Gray Fox! Do not try to emazculate my TwinkiEVA!" Trainer the Captain snarled. "I zeenk it is time that you had a taste of your own Vanilla Coca-Cola™!"

"I thought that was supposed to be ‘medicine’," Gray Fox said.

"Indeed, but you vouldn’t believe how much Coke is paying for product placement for zat crap. FPS iz a lucrative market for ze 13-30 superhero demographic!"

"I guess everyone caught onto the Hostess bandwagon. CAM’s a rich man," Gray Fox mused.

"You zhould try it! But regardless, Unit 00, Generic Evil Robot Attack!"

Unit 00 raised its hands, vines of electricity branching between them. The darkened sky overhead began to churn and rotate as gigantic bolts of lightning flickered between the clouds.

"Oooh, such pretty weather effects they achieve on these next-generation systems," Gray Fox breathed. Hailstones began to drop from the ominous clouds, sending the spectator Agents scrambling for cover like Primal Rage cavemen. Predictably, a whirling tornado began to form, and just as quickly disappeared. In its place stood a summoned creature—a powerful supernatural beast with the sole purpose of wreaking havoc on -the Destined-. For Unit 00 had not just called forth any summon. He had awoken the incomprehensible power of…

"A midget Chocobo?!" Gray Fox laughed. "You’ve gotta be kidding me."

"Give me some credit!" Unit 00 complained.

Then there was a hideous WARK, and the miniscule Chocobo slammed into Kusotare, sending the TwinkiEVA flying into a cliff. Cait Sith gasped as his homemade cardboard Scouter blipped back a readout.

"That midget Chocobo’s power level is incredible! I haven’t seen strength like this since the last time Princess Q ran into Egyptian Plum!"

"Ahahaha! Midget Chocobo, thrash ze TwinkiEVA!" Trainer the Captain boomed. The miniscule avian barreled toward Kusotare and pummeled it into submission with a devastating series of tiny, but well-aimed kicks.

"That’s it!" Gray Fox shouted. "Kusotare, you’re the most powerful Gear in the universe…uh…do something!"

"Don’t you see?" Kusotare asked. "This is a plot contrivance and bad reference leading to a major plot development. Which means it’s all up to you!"

"I don’t know what you’re talking about!" the embattled Agent cried. "And what’s with all this self-referential story humor? Are we that out of fresh and shiny videogame references?"

"We were thinking of saving some for the sequel. Anyway, look, it’s your story." Kusotare’s entire frame shuddered after a particularly savage blow. Gray Fox’s head spun.

"My funk…I can feel my funk levels dropping." He shivered. "And nobody steals my funk! Never!" A bright light flared up around the Agent and the TwinkiEVA. "I have learned the lesson of Master George well. I refuse to trade my funk for what’s behind the third door! It’s hip on the Mothership! Midget Chocobo, your ass is mine." The light intensified, and Kusotare began to transform. Hidden body parts flipped outwards, extra various pointy objects shot from the TwinkiEVA’s torso and an extra set of gigantic black wings burst out of its back, unfurling impressively.

"Aw, karp," Miang said. "That so wasn’t supposed to happen."

"Unit 00!" Trainer the Captain hissed. "Vat is happening to zat TwinkiEVA?!"

"I never knew it could happen!" Unit 00 murmured. "Supposedly, when a pilot’s essence fuses with that of the TwinkiEVA, it transforms to its ultimate form—it achieves the fabled Attack Level Infinity +1. Theoretically impossible, and loaded with boundless power. This really isn’t too cool."

"Ha!" Kusotare boomed. The TwinkiEVA straightened and blasted the Midget Chocobo into nuggets. "Kids, meet yours truly, El-Kusotare. Charmed."

"I feel so good," Gray Fox added.

The assembled Agents clapped politely.

"Unit 00! Ve have no choice! Attack him all out!" Trainer the Captain shouted. Unit 00 shot towards El-Kusotare, gathering ki on its outstretched hand.

"Whoa, whoa, pal," El-Kusotare said. "I think we should do it a little differently. Insult duel--funky style! I’ll start." The TwinkiEVA cleared its electronic throat. "Check it out.

My flow’s so complex it’s impossible
To think of rhymes that would rock my world
My style’s full of power
I’m the robot of the hour
When I step up to the mic, Unit 00’s gotta cower."

"Umm…you’re a big wet-dog-smelling doody head?" Unit 00 said uncertainly.

"No, no," El-Kusotare sighed. "You have to do it in rap!"

"Alright…

I’m the world destroyer, the angel of death
Classic like Tom Sawyer, get you high like meth
I’ve been locked in hiding for ‘bout a million years
But my powerful return gives sucka MCs fears."

"Better," El-Kusotare smirked. "But funk this over.

Unit 00, I hear your words but they make no sense
I’ll bust out my Mecha flow to put you on defense
I didn’t waste my time in that Anima Dungeon
I spent it writing rhymes, son, but not the kind that bludgeon
My flow’ll expose your flaws like a fine-toothed comb
The kind you use to pick that ‘fro growin’ on your dome
I’ll undermine your efforts
To take control
I understand your weakness
Opportunity? I’ll seize it
But not forcefully
Or even remorsefully
I’ll do it so skilled you won’t even notice me."

Unit 00 concentrated. "Uh…

Kusotare
You are so sorry
Obscure, incomprehensible like Rastafari
And since we’re now rapping about religious things
In rap I’m like the Catholic church, I am the king
My flow’s so divine it’s like a soul conversion
But your rap is nothing but a simple diversion
The true connoisseurs, the one who know their craft
Once they observe, they’ll know that you are daft
But not daft like Punk, nah, their grooves are fly
The songs you spit out are like a sinful lie
You’ve got an ego problem too, my oh my
And you know my wicked skills you can’t deny."

"Amateur," El-Kusotare sneered. "One last time…

Your flow, divine?
Kid, you’re clearly lyin’
I’m beating back your skill like the Germans to the Rhine
As far as conversion, you’re like the Mahariji
Yeah, you do it
But you blew it
Because you lack complexity
I’m only humoring your skills because I know I’m number one
So I gotta prove it
My ego? Soothe it
And hey, this all has been kinda fun
But the fight will soon over
Your funk could not deliver
But I’ll do you a little favor
I’LL SHOOT YOU WITH THE BOP GUN

El-Kusotare held out his hand, and the funky superweapon materialized in it.

"Guaranteed to rearrange every molecule in your booty!" Gray Fox sang out. "El-Kusotare…tear the roof off the sucka!" As the Bop Gun charged, fitting P-Funk tunes began to descend from the heavens.

"Oh spoony," said Trainer the Captain, as the powerful beam of funk slammed into Unit 00. The TwinkiEVA flopped over, ejecting its writhing occupant. "GRAY FOX! VAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" the convulsing Russian shouted.

"Looks like someone’s about to find the funk," Gray Fox said cheerily. "Most of all, the funk, help him find the funk…"

"No! I zhall rezist zis ‘funk’…but...aww, it feels good! Aw, it feels good! AW, DAMN! I am AGENT THE CAPTAIN, YEAH!"

With a flash, Trainer the Captain was gone forever, and a grinning Agent the Captain stood in his place. The Agents cheered.

"Score one for the groove," Gray Fox said. Miang cleared her throat suddenly.

"Look, I hate to rain on you guys’ parade, but Time Kompression will not fail! Watch!" The evil Mother held out her hand, and El-Kusotare and Gray Fox simply vanished. She grabbed the Captain around the waist and disabled him. "I’ll make sure you meddling Agents don’t get in my way again! Random Teleport!" The Agents felt a sickening rush, and the world fell away beneath them as they zapped to places unknown.

Minutes later, a quick Ether spell allowed Miang to promptly appear in the chambers of the Gazel Ministry. The altar was already cooking with fire – Brandon TCA was sealed within a containment tube off to the side, and blue energy (and burning love) was drifting from the tube towards one end of the altar. On the other end, a light turquoise essence danced, trapped in an invisible matrix – the Guardian Force Aoi. Miang led the mind-numbed Captain by the hand towards the center of the altar. Behind them, Mew and Princess Q followed slowly.

"I swear, I was beginning to think we’d never get all three ingredients here at once," Miang laughed, centering the Captain in alignment with the altar. Above, the Gazel Ministry’s eyes flickered with interest.

They are finally -all here-.

At last.

Yes.

We can finally abolish talking with all these silly ‘dashes.’

The Contact, the Key, and the Power.

The -Spoonimus- and the -Trigger- as well. How ‘convenient.’

Look, shut up with those @&#*$ quote marks.

He started it.

Did not.

Both of you be quiet.

I knew we should never have let ‘those two’ into the Ministry.

What? Why didn’t you -say so- beforehand? I -never- liked them.

Are you guys joking or something? Because this isn’t funny.

Seriously, you’re being -really mean.-

Nope, I guess the only one who liked was ‘that other guy.’

Indeed.

Sure, blame it all on ‘me.’

I will. What are you going to ‘do about it’?

I’m about to show you, you big jerk.

Oooh, big words.

‘Speaking’ is all we can -do- you moron, we’re bodiless -entities.-

"Um," Miang coughed, "So, I’ve got them all here…here’s the altar…and their essences are flowing…shouldn’t Time Kompression be beginning?"

It -has already begun.-

But you cannot -see the effects.-

Today is ‘Daylight Savings Time,’ after all.

Besides, Solaris’s time zone was never very -reliable.-

"Great," Miang grumbled, "At this rate, the unity of all Mothers will take another day to accomplish."

What you -need- is a -catalyst-.

Best make -good use- of ‘bad rubbish,’ right?

"I think I see what you mean," Miang said, half-grinning. In a whirl, she snatched up Mew with an Ether blast. The shocked Pokémon spun through the air, caught totally off-guard. Miang bodily yanked the psychic creature out of the air and set to work. Princess Q stared, amazed and terrified all at once. The Solarian ruler had knocked Mew effectively out cold with a firm rap to her head but was using her own mental powers to incite Mew’s considerable psychic conduit to stay active. A religious reference later, and Mew was attached to a make-shift cross in the center of the altar. A bizarre angelish mechanical system locked the Pokémon in place. The energy of Kompression seeped up through the device and surged through Mew, who amplified the effects a hundredfold.

"…uh… " Princess Q gaped. She kept it inside her secret thoughts...but...even in this extreme, her purposes would be accomplished. Mew would not become one with the Mothers....

"Oh, come on, Chu Chu died for chur sins," Miang pseudo-pouted, "Why not another little puffball? Unless you’d like to take her place, dear Guardian Angel..."

Thank you for your -assistance-, Miang.

"…hmm?"

You have been quite helpful.

But your role is finished now that Kompression has begun.

"What?" Miang frowned, "What are you saying, you old circuit boards? I’m going to merge all of the Mothers into one."

That is -your goal-, certainly.

But we have waited a long, long time, Miang.

We will not see all our efforts wasted for so base a desire.

We too once fell ‘prey’ to the wants of the bodily world.

All of us happened upon the Mr. ‘Zohar’ Coffee Device long ago, Miang.

We adored it.

It would be as a god to us.

There was not enough caffeine.

The caffeine was so -delicious-.

But we ran short.

Then the ‘withdrawals’ began.

…the horror…

And so we have waited for this day, Miang.

To summon forth our greatest creation in the midst of Time Kompression.

To purge the universe of that wonderful substance, that no other unworthy mortals will fall prey to its lure.

And also we’re quite ‘evil.’

I told you to -shut up-.

Sorry.

Sorry, nothing. You’ve ruined the ‘dramatic moment.’

Just release the ‘greatest creation.’

Yes.

Behold.

CaffeineDevourer!

In a flash of horrible light, the sphere containing the programs of the Gazel Ministry hinged open, releasing a small ball of lumpy flesh. As the Ministry sphere closed, the flesh swirled through the air, growing and evolving into a horrendous dragon head with giant wings and a short, alligator-like tail.

"It…looks like a bad palette swap of the TimeDevourer dragon from Chrono Cross," frowned Princess Q.

Give us a ‘break.’

We’re -not- very original.

The giant beast roared – the noise tore through Mew’s amplified Time Kompression and rippled through the universe. Throughout the galaxies, sugar, caffeine, coffee, soda, Hostess products, and more, began to seep through Time Kompression and into a swirling eternal mass that ended going down the CaffeineDevourer’s gullet. The monster roared in ecstatic fury and smashed out of the Ministry chamber and into Solaris itself.

"All of the wonderful goodness of the world…" Princess Q frowned, "I’m glad CAM’s not anywhere near me."

"You and me both," said a voice suddenly by her side. The Guardian Angel jumped and found Krelian next to her, watching with a strange looking smile on his face.

Krelian, you old dog.

Come to try to stop us again, have you?

It won’t work this time.

We have Norton Antivirus installed.

Telling us that you love us won’t work a second time.

Also, the ‘old man repellant.’

Yeah, you’re a ‘perv.’

"Sorry to disappoint you, boys," Krelian said, grinning, "But that’s not Krelian… it’s an imposter." He reached up and tore his own face off to reveal, beneath it, the grinning visage of President Laguna Loire.

"Mr. President!" Princess Q eeked in genuine surprise, "You…you’re…"

"Yeah, well…," Laguna said, chuckling and scratching his back. "It got kinda boring, just sitting there all the time…oh! So, this is where I save the day! Alright! I’ve been waiting all day for this." He pulled out a remote control and began fiddling with the buttons. "Okay...so…Gazel Ministry…begone! …come on!...why…won’t…this…work!"

Fool.

Simpleton.

-Indeed-.

You have to set the ‘clock’ on the ‘VCR’ first.

"Fine, look, I’ll do it the old fashioned way," Laguna said, tossing the remote control off to the side. He scrambled over to the dark wall of the room and yanked a power cord out of the wall. The Gazel Ministry faces flickered and vanished.

"Yesssss!" Laguna said, pumping his arms. "Leave it to Laaaguuuuunaaa! Woo-hoo!"

"Uh, riiiight," Miang blinked, "Well, you’ve help me out, so I’ll reward you with a delayed sentence."

"Sorry, babe, but this party’s over," Laguna said, pulling out his machine gun. In another Ether flash, Laguna flew back across the room and landed with a thunk against the far wall. He slumped to the ground and did not move.

"Garbage, good only for depleting resources," snorted Miang. She moved back towards the altar, only to find Princess Q standing in her way. "Oh, my, is something wrong, dear Angel?"

"I’ve had it up to here with all of this," Princess Q said, glaring, "Everything else, I can take…but no one abuses Sir Laguna like that and gets away with it." She turned and pointedly ignored Miang. An Ether flash from the Princess, and various things occurred: The Captain awoke from his magic stupor; the tube restraining BrandonTCA shattered and vanished; Benit appeared in a teleportation flash, having been summoned to her true GF essence. The energies on the altar instantly darted back to their original hosts, revitalizing them.

"Wooo…" Brandon blinked, "That was a bad trip of the not so wonderful type. Where the fluff are we?"

"Urgh, my head..." the Captain said, slapping at the non-existent cobwebs on his face.

Miang frowned deeply. "You’re becoming more and more of a distinct pain in my side, Princess." The Mother raised her arms, both glowing with Ether energy. "Fortunately, Mew’s presence ensures that Time Kompression will continue regardless of your interference…you are no longer needed." The energy crackled and lashed around Princess Q’s Ether shield, striking her from behind and sending her sprawling across the floor. She lay at the far end of the room, motionless.

"…you…!!!" the Captain hollered.

Miang glanced at him with a flicker of amusement on her face. "Such rage and compassion…for one who betrayed you so easily?"

"I don’t know what the circumstances are," the Captain said firmly, shaking his head, "But she…Artemis…is my friend. The Agents are all my friends. And I’m not going to let you hurt them any more!" The Captain’s battle aura began to flare up – his normally well-contained hair crackled with electricity. A guttural roar rose from his chest, burning a spike in the Ministry room’s power level scanners. Golden rays of light shot forth from the Captain’s form. When it had settled, the Captain’s hair was a shimmering gold.

"Sheesh," Benit blinked, "Just what’d he do?"

"I’m not usually one for using Krillin’s lines," Brandon replied, "But I think ol’ Cappy just went ULTRA SUPER SOLARIAN."

"Where the karp did Brandon and Benit go?" Axer asked, "One minute they’re here and the next they’re totally lost."

"We checked under the cardboard boxes, right?" CAM spoke up, "That usually helps, even if they’re not actually under the boxes."

"They’re not under the boxes, CAM," Agent Garret sighed, "We’ve checked there twice already."

"I better double check just in case," CAM said. He began sorting through the stacks of empty EveBucks boxes that the Agents had stumbled across.

Tonamel sighed and turned to continue speaking to Axer. "Well, we need to do something, whether it’s finding the others, or figuring out just what we need to do. Shouldn’t Fox have been transported here as well?"

"I think I found something for us to do," gulped Phantom Ghost, creeping away from the corner he’d been peeking around. A moment later and the CaffeineDevourer came soaring around the corner. The dragon smashed into the EveBucks facility, greedily sucking every last bit of coffee in the area. Intense vortex winds ripped through Solaris, threatening to suck the four Agents in.

"The heck is that?!" CAM shouted.

"Looks like a boss battle if I’ve ever seen one!" Tonamel yelled back, "Team! Suit up!" A quick snap from CAM, Tonamel, and Phantom Ghost, and their Gears arrived, prepped and ready for battle. The Agents clambered into their respective mobile suits.

"I, er," frowned Axer, "I don’t have a Gear…well, I guess I’ll have to do things the old-fashioned way." The Agent pulled a bicycle pump out of his inventory and plugged it into his mouth. He began pumping very very quickly and within a minute he’d inflated himself to Gear size. "Woo! Okay, it’s fighting time!"

CaffeineDevourer roared and spun around to face the three giant robots and one super-sized Agent. Using the energy from its latest caffeine intake, the beast released a quadruple blast of energy that coalesced into a set of spheres. The orbs began to circle the CaffeineDevourer slowly.

"What’s all that about, hmm?" Phantom Ghost blinked.

"You know, like the end of Xenogears," CAM said, "We can try to beat all the spheres and make the boss itself really weak, or just try to hit it head on."

"We don’t have time for that," Agent Garret frowned, "Don’t we have some miscellaneous helper characters to give us a hand with them?"

"Someone rang?" sang out a voice from behind the heroes. The Agents spun around to discover the ROCKSLIDE team and the Elements, all suited up in their Gears.

"Jus’ leave these crazy orbs sucka’s to us, foo’!" Mr T shouted, "I pity the biological draconic construct what tries to create subbosses so it can continue to siphon caffeine! Stay in school!" The Elements and ROCKSLIDE charged forward and began attacking the orbs.

"Okay, that leaves us free to attack the core!" Axer said, "Let’s go!"

"That was crazy," Gray Fox said. "That battle was…wow. Hoopy. Adventure, excitement and really wild things. Why didn’t you tell me about Unit 00?"

"I didn’t know it still existed," protested El-Kusotare, "I don’t really make it a policy to check up on people that were never worth checking up on the first time around. Unit 00 always had a really nasty personality."

"I noticed," the Agent muttered, "I guess we should regroup and find the other Age-- hey! What’s that?" They were flying low over Nibelheim and had spotted a suspicious looking person...thing...walking into the Shinra mansion.

"Nothing better to do, we might as well check it out," El-Kusotare replied, "Oh, unless you count that whole ‘saving the world’ thing, that might be more important."

"Ahhh, so’s your mother," Gray Fox scoffed, climbing out of the cockpit and leaping to the ground. He raced into the mansion, glancing around carefully. No one was in sight on the ground floor...but then, anyone who had a reason for going into the Shinra mansion would be headed for the labs in the basement. The Agent hurried downstairs and rushed into the lab. Both the coffin room and the room with the containment units were empty. Fox turned and crept towards the inner library.

Mewtwo sat in the chair at the table. His eyes were shut, as though dreaming. In his hands, a book was clenched. Gray Fox tried to creep in closer, but accidentally shifted a few volumes on the floor.

Mewtwo looked up sharply. "Who is it?! …oh. Hmph…traitor."

Fox blinked. "Traitor?"

Mewtwo chucked the book in his hands onto the table. "You ignorant traitor. I’ll tell you. These stories evolve out of a set of ideas – random jokes thrown about for everyone to have fun with. But eventually, a legitimate plot forms, and the issues have to be taken seriously. Like Time Kompression. Sure, it’s fun to play with, but once you actually start messing around with the schemes of powerful super villains, someone’s eye gets put out."

Gray Fox blinked, wondering how convoluted the nature of the story would get from here. "Uh, Mewtwo..."

The powerful psychic Pokémon continued, ignoring him. "Time Kompression is a fine idea in itself, but it’s something that’s already been tried before. Time flows like a river...history repeats...but the smart ones learn from the mistakes of the past, and resolve those mistakes when they try again. Ultimecia’s vision in Final Fantasy VIII was moving far too slowly." He waved a hand at a TV set across the room, with a PSX and Final Fantasy VIII connected. Fox peered at the machine – Squall was challenging Ultimecia to a game of Triple Triad.

"I don’t understand," Agent Fox frowned, "If Time Kompression moves slowly, then that’ll help us when we try to stop it, won’t it?"

"Don’t you get it?" Mewtwo grumbled angrily. He stalked around the desk and began to make his way out, down the hallway. "Miang knows that already, and will require an additional component – something else that will speed the process along! Something powerful…something she no longer needs to complete her immediate goals."

"Muh..." Agent Fox boggled, lamely following him, "Me-Mewtwo?"

The tall white pocket monster paused at the end of the hallway, speaking coldly. "Out of my way. I’m going to see my mother."

Power blasts threatened to bring down what was left of the Gazel Ministry’s inner sanctum as Miang and Ultra Super Solarian the Captain dueled. The Agent tried to close in for a physical strike, but Miang managed to match his power blasts with her own Ether powers blow for blow. Brandon and Benit tried to move in for an assist, but Miang and the Captain were simply moving around far too quickly.

Off to the side, Princess Q was so deep in the blues that it was a wonder she didn’t sport a harmonica. "Ugh…can’t do this…failed everyone…Mr President…all my friends…."

In a stroke of wonderful convenience, or perhaps Contrivance, the tip of the Highwind smashed through an unoccupied area of the chamber. The airship parked itself into the neat groove it had made for itself in the side of Solaris. Cid, Shera, and Solid Snake piled out.

"Enough of your @*#&@ mopin’," Cid barked, "There’s enough #$@)*! angst in this #(*&$@ story for a, uh, mobile suit pilot."

"Q, what are you doing?" Shera frowned, "This isn’t like you at all. Are you alright?"

"I healed myself, but…," Princess Q sighed, not looking up, "I don’t see what possible help I can be to them now. This is very nearly all my fault. They’re here because of me."

"Keep telling yourself that and that’ll wind up to be the truth," Solid Snake advised, kneeling down to look into Q’s face. "But this isn’t the way things are supposed to go. You know that, right? Your friends are waiting for you, and you want to help them."

Q looked up. "…Snake…?"

"My best friend once said, ‘Fighting is the only thing I was good at, but at least I always fought for what I believed in.’" Snake frowned. "Then again, he also said, ‘HURT ME MOREEE!’, so I’m not sure how reliable inspirational quotes from him are."

Princess Q laughed, standing. "That’s okay, Dave..." She looked towards the raging energy fight between Miang and the Captain. "…I know what I have to do now." She began to make her way over to Brandon and Benit.

"#@*$&@ stupid motivational speeches," Cid eyerolled. "Sound worse than a damn #$%*# self-help book."

"Yeah, as if we haven’t heard that joke a thousand times before," Shera sighed.

"Oh, give him a break, Shera," Snake chuckled, "Cid, hand out the free cigarettes."

"Haha, yess..." Cid chuckled deviously, "Everyone light up. That’s a good smoker..."

"Q!" Benit said as the Solarian Guardian Angel caught up with Brandon and the Demi-Esper. "Are you alright? Miang really knocked you for a good one!"

"I’m okay," Princess Q nodded, "And, umm, let’s go back to calling me ‘Agent Artemis’ for now."

"I think there’s about to be a lot of intense shouting of something," Brandon said, "I think Miang’s starting to slow down…now’s our chance to catch her in some kind of triple-tech business."

"Sound good to me!" Benit hollered. Unfortunately, the noise caught Miang’s attention and set her on guard as the other three Agents joined Ultra Super Solarian the Captain.

"You’re a bit stronger than I’d anticipated," Miang acknowledged, "But I’m not finished yet!" A blue fizz of Ether energy later and she’d teleported over to the altar. She pressed a button on the side of Mew’s robotic angel entrapment unit. Suddenly surges of psychic waves began to crush in upon the Agents. They fell to the ground. Each struggled to erect some sort of mental barrier against the onslaught of energy.

"Hahahaha!" Miang laughed, "Not even Mr T can—uh, I’d better not finish that sentence." She sauntered over the groaning Agents and shoved at them with her foot, chuckling evilly. "So much for all that power, hmm? Even all four of you can’t withstand the incredible energies of Time Kompressi- what?" Another psychic energy flare interrupted her. Miang spun in place to see Mewtwo standing before the altar.

"You!" Miang stammered, "You’re not supposed to be in the ending!"

"Mother," Mewtwo said happily, ignoring Miang, "Let’s take this story back together. I’ve thought of a great idea..."

"You’re not going to ruin this for me, you twisted Pokémon," Miang warned, "I’ve worked too hard to have some #&$^@ pocket monster ruin everything."

"Ha, ha, ha… " Mewtwo chuckled darkly, not turning. "They’ve come again, Mother." He bowed his head, as though communing with a higher being. "With her superior power, knowledge, and marketability, Mother was destined to become the hero of this story.

"But they…" Mewtwo’s head rose. "…those worthless creatures…" He lifted his arms to cradle the robotic entrapment on Mew’s cross, which bore more than a passing resemblance to a device in a certain Mako reactor, "…are stealing the story from Mother." He smiled eerily, like a man possessed. "But now I’m here with you…so don’t worry… " In a surge of violence, he ripped the angelic casing away, severing the remaining cables with a psychic outlash. Strange viscous oil dripped from the angel’s face. All that remained was Mew and the cross, continuing the incredible surge of Time Kompression energy.

"Got you!" Miang shouted. A psychic matrix made of her own Ether powers snapped into place around the altar. Mewtwo seemed to have entered a trance and simply remained where he was, unmoving. A flicker of psychic energy began to form around him...and then surged up to combine with Mew’s.

"Muahahahhahahhahahaha!" Miang cackled, "Absolutely glorious. That fool Pokémon has enabled me to speed up Time Kompression even faster than before!" She stepped towards the vortex. Indeed, the room seemed to begin to siphon in upon itself. Suddenly, CaffeineDevourer crunched through a wall and sped into the Kompression hole. The vacuum brought with it the quartet of Agents that’d been fighting with the dragon. El-Kusotare and Fox smashed through the ceiling and were sucked in before any words could be exchanged. The limp Agents on the floor in the Ministry disappeared as Miang herself stepped into the vortex….

"Ugh… where are we?" Tonamel groaned.

"I don’t know, but wherever it is, I hurt," Benit grumbled.

"Hey!" Axer blinked, sitting up, "We’re all together again."

"And this place looks like some kind of outer-space vortex thing…" Brandon observed, "Which usually means…"

"Endboss zone," CAM finished.

"Just so long as we’re all fully clothed," the Captain sweatdropped, "I know this story’s had a lot of Xenogears references and stuff, but we run a clean story here."

"Eeee…" Agent Artemis shivered, "Yes. Pants are a good thing."

"I’ve always been partial to shorts, myself," Fox commented, "They’re comfy and easy to wear, after all."

"Hehe, yeah…" Phantom Ghost nodded, "But you gotta admit, a good pair of pants is a wonderful thing."

"As much as I adore silly conversations," BrandonTCA said, "I think I should point out the giant hovering death killer endboss of killer death over there."

"Gotcha," the Captain said, giving him a V sign, "Thanks for the heads-up! Okay, team, I guess we have a battle to fight. Make sure you’ve got your best equipment and such."

"Just how did you wind up as the team leader, anyway?" Benit asked, readying her glaive.

"My #&%# name is THE CAPTAIN!" The Captain shouted. Everyone laughed. "Well, looks like this might be our last big fight together, guys. Enjoy it while you can… oh, uh, also, winning would be great."

The Agents ‘walked’ through the Time Kompression rift towards the endboss. The Unity of all Mothers had truly taken place – all of the Mothers from throughout video game history seemed to have merged into one colossial beast whose body parts were made up of other organisms, not unlike the final form of X-Death in Final Fantasy V. Prominent in the form’s makeup were Miang, the Mother Brain final form from Super Metroid, Sorceress Edea, and Jenova*SYNTHESIS. Also visible were lesser Mothers...including an indigo-haired Lucrecia. Vincent would not be pleased.

"You kids need to quit rough-housing so much," the monstrous maternal unit commanded, "Bend over and get ready for the spanking of your life."

"Not this time, hellfiend!" the Captain shouted, "You’ve plotted your last insidious evil scheme and baked your last pie!"

Artemis blinked. "…Pie?"

"Uh, yeah," the Captain said.

"That’s not really… " Tonamel frowned, "...very…evil."

"Y-yeah it is!" the Captain protested, scrambling for some vocabulary terms, "Because she’s cooking in the, uh, the kitchen of darkness!"

"…Errr…" Fox said, scratching his chin, "…I dunno…"

"A pie of, er, lost souls," the Captain continued, building up his courage, "Cooked until it’s golden brown."

"Golden brown?" Benit said incredulously.

"I think he’s been brain-blasted one too many times," Princess Q muttered as an aside to Benit.

"Yeah, but see, you can’t even though you want to," the Captain explained, "You gotta let it cool down, you know? On the window sill…. Uh…the window sill…t-to HELL!"

"......"

"That was awful," the Mother of All Mothers exclaimed, "I’m going to kill you all where you stand." A blast energy from the Mother’s head shot down into the midst of the warriors. The Agents scattered, fanning out and around to close in on the endboss.

Your fingertips
Moving gently to my heart
The force of Life goes on and on
The song remains

"This is it, guys!" the Captain shouted, "Take her down all at once!" He flared into Ultra Super Solarian again. With one hand he fired a massive continuing energy blast at the monster. The other hand was raised to the sky, as though he was calling something.

Like a haunting melody
Of angel music
Held in chains

"This looks like a job for the other me," Brandon said, morphing into his Solid Ekans costume. He quickly equipped his Rabid Chu-Chu Launcher and shot off a projectile at the beast’s head, all the while moving his feet. "Metal Gear PaRappa Reference Hyper Combo! Do you believe love can bloom on the battlefield? The powers of truth and light and GIANT GUNS I will wield! You know it’s us Agents gonna be standin’ on the ground when it’s over – there’s Xenogears lyrics goin’ in the background! Woo!" He blasted another Rabid Chu-Chu at the creature and reloaded.

"I don’t need a thing ‘cept my dear old…PhilosoBS!" Agent Gray Fox shouted, "Why are we here? What purpose do humans serve in the world? How many angels can dance on the head of Chu-Chu’s cross? If we have giant robots, why aren’t we using them in this boss fight?"

And I ask you
Can we ease the pain of those who lost?
...the force of life goes on...

"Quit confusing me!" CAM shouted, having accidentally stopped to listen to Fox. His muddled brain switched onto autopilot. CAM shot into Super Java-jin and assailed the Mother of All Mothers with a power blast of his own.

"I can’t…decide…what to use!" Agent Axer squealed, tears cascading down his cheeks. "I’ve got so much stuff…WARRGGHHHH!" He pulled out his swords and chopped into the side of the Mother with a wild flurry of attacks.

Can we know the cause of all this sorrow?
...tears of loneliness...

"Well, that’s one way to do it," sweated Benit, "but it looks like mommy dearest is just begging for a couple of Blank Checks!" She chucked Saturn Rhapsody high into the air, pulled out a blank check book in each hand, hurled them both at the Mother, leapt into the air, caught her polearm, and finished up the combo with an Aoi Yoseki blast.

"Looks like I wound up siding with the correct team again after all," Tonamel grinned. Still in his Agent Garret form, he pulled a few non-standard-issue arrows out from his inventory and notched them all into his long bow. A snap and all five arrows were embedded within the side of the monstrous Mother creature, where they exploded into a glorious fireball. The creature shuddered in pain.

Can we catch the tears of a broken wrold
Falling down upon the earth...

"Alright, we’re doing it! Just a little more!" Phantom Ghost shouted, releasing his Yuffiesaurus Rex. "Yuffiesaurus! Just maul the heck out of that thing!"

"Like Yuff! Yuffiesaur!"

"Why aren’t we using our Gears in this fight?" Artemis shouted, redirecting her Artemis Reply at the Mother. "And THIS is for beating up on Sir Laguna...!!" Agent Artemis shot off an enormous Ether blast at the creature. Then she extended her callbox and pushed the button, teleporting upwards into her Gear. "First time I get to use the @#$&# Gear in the whole story…I’ve got some aggravation to take out!" El-Fenrir ripped into the beast with a flurry of jabs and kicks and sword-swipes, finishing the combination attacking a massive energy beam eye poke.

The waves of time take me deeper into you
A haze as blue as summer skies
And turn to find

"No...," the Mother shuddered, "To be beaten like this... but I’ll be back...you jerks!"

"I don’t think so!" the Captain shouted, clenching his extended hand. "Rocket Town!" A cascade of mail smashed down onto the Mother. Her form give one final shake and then began to disintegrate, and with her, the energy binding Time Kompression together began to dissipate.

The key will not unlock the door
This broken bird
Away it flies

* * *

"Ow," the Agents collectively groaned. As each came to, they took note that they had all been returned to the floor of the Gazel Ministry’s chambers. The altar, the cross, and the psychic Pokémon had vanished. Neither Sir Laguna, Cid, Snake, the Highwind, nor anyone else were anywhere to be seen.

"I guess we won," Solid Ekans said, standing and performing a weakened victory pose.

"Again," laughed Agent Garret, "Woo-hoooo."

"Urgh," the Captain said, sitting up, "Well, I guess it’s time to head home, right?"

"I just hope the final dungeon doesn’t collapse," CAM said, pulling out his last emergency Twinkie. Suddenly Solaris began to shudder.

"OH NO, NOT AGAIN," Benit hollered, fwapping CAM many many times. CAM was about to retort when the CaffeineDevourer plunged through the wall and clamped its enormous mouth down onto CAM’s Twinkie. CAM howled in horror as the monstrous dragon lifted him off the ground and shot through the hole in the roof.

"Karp," Fox muttered, "Okay, look, I’ll go get CAM. The rest of you better get out of this crazy flying city before it, you know, explodes and destroys you."

"That’s an awesome plan," Artemis said, "Did you think of that on your own?"

"Gimme a break, it’s been a long day," growled Fox, "My levels of funk are borderline. So let’s just survive until the story ends."

"Alright, team, we’ll meet back in Rocket Town," the Captain said, "Stay safe, buckle up, drink your milk, lock and load, and happy birthday. Oh, and blow something up when you leave." The Agents gathered into a circle and put their hands together. "On three, ‘go team.’ One, two, thr-" A stray Time Kompression vortex or three lurched up and sucked the rest of the Agents away.

"Aw, man," the Captain moped, "I’ve been waiting for three stories to do that." Sadly, another tunnel scooped him up and siphoned him away too.

When the Captain awoke, he found himself on a stone walkway leading up to a beachside house. "Urggh…where am I this time?"

"Are you alright?" said a soft voice overhead, "It looks like you collapsed."

"Unh?" the Captain blinked, scurrying up, "That voice…" He squinted to find a beautiful woman in front of her, with cascading black hair. "…Matron!" It was she—free of the Mothers...

"I’m sorry," Matron smiled quietly, "Do I know you? I can’t seem to place your face."

"I’m Agent the Captain," the Captain said, "You should know me...don’t you?"

"Matron, who’s he?" squeaked a voice from behind Matron. A small pair of eyes peeked out around her grey dress.

"He’s a friend, Reeziel, don’t worry," Matron said, soothingly. "Run inside and play with the others." The child stared at the Captain for a moment longer, and then skidaddled back into the house.

Matron smiled softly. The Captain stepped forward, but suddenly a shimmer of blue Ether energy appeared between them. Miang stepped forth, looking quite badly injured.

"N-no… " Miang quivered, "I can’t die…yet..."

"Watch out, old bean! She’s got lasers!" the Captain shouted.

"No, don’t worry," Matron said softly. "She’s not going to hurt anyone…she’s on the verge of death. All Mothers must pass that essence on to someone else before they die. Usually it’s done to a daughter, but in cases like this, another Mother is quite suitable." She bowed her head. Miang tried to whisper her thanks, but it was all she could to do extend a hand towards Matron. The light blue Ether presence flowed into Matron and disappeared. A moment later, Miang fell to the ground and vanished.

"Her heart is full of pain," Matron frowned, "Pain that she has caused others as well as her own."

"We just got done defeating her…the other Agents and me," the Captain explained, shaking his head and staring at the spot where Miang had vanished.

"Agents…I see," Matron said, pondering. "So then…you must be from the future."

"Is that what this is?" the Captain blinked, "I thought it might be, but my head’s a little wacky right now…I guess I need to get back to my own time."

"I can send you there now, Reese," Matron said, "And begin to raise you and your friends as the Agents you will become."

"Geez," the Captain said, "I guess we owe you a lot, then."

Matron laughed. "The only thing that can ever pay back a mother is the love of her -children-." She smiled broadly. "And now I’ve already seen what wonderful people you all grow up into, and what wonderful friends you have." A blue aura extended from her hand to surround the Captain. "Go back to your friends. I believe you have a website that needs updating."

"Look, there’s a jeep!" Benit said.

"Okay, climb in," Axer said, "I’ll drive." They piled into the vehicle.

"Just how are we supposed to be able to drive out of Solaris, anyway?" Benit asked.

"I guess we’d be able to drive down the giant pillar that supports it," mused Axer, "Why else would they have a giant tunnel in the middle of it, with toll booths, no less?"

"Let’s just get out of here!" the minter shouted. The explosions were drawing closer. He revved the vehicle up and shot down the tunnel towards the surface of the planet. The tunnel was clear of any other vehicles, but emergency klaxons were flaring and red lights were the only illumination.

"Hey…what’s that?" Axer shouted, pointing behind them. From out of the dust and darkness from the exploding city of Solaris came another jeep. The rider wore no shirt, had an open shoulder wound, a large and dangerous looking machine gun, and suspiciously bishounen hair.

"Ramsus!" Benit shouted. The Agents ducked a volley of bullets from their Solarian opponent.

"IT’S NOT OVER YET!!" Ramsus Kahr shouted, waving the gun in the air.

"AUGHHHH HE’S GOING TO KILL US OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!" Axer shouted, clamping onto steering wheel. "I have so much more I want to do with my life! I’ve never eaten an omelete! I still haven’t slapped Hideako Anno in the face!"

"Chill OUT, Axer!" Benit shouted from the back seat, "Even if he hits us with every shot, we’ve got enough HP to make it out of this without even being wounded."

"Phew!"

Another shower of gunfire flew past them.

A batch of Solarian defense mechanisms hit the ground, shorting out quickly thanks to high ratio of bullets embedded in their sides compared to the number that should already be there. PokéArms’s gatling arms whizzed to a halt. Phantom Ghost checked a panel within the cockpit – his ammunition was approximately halfway consumed. He’d have to rely on tactics if he ran into any more guards. His mobile suit skidded to a halt only a minute later as another batch of defense bots hurtled out of a hangar chamber.

"Hey, you forget about me?" Agent Garret communicated in. Hammer switched off its stealth mechanism and sliced into the side of one of the bots.

"Well, actually…yes, I did," Phantom Ghost frowned. "Sorry."

"I’m used to it," sighed Tonamel. He plunged his Gear’s katana into another bot as PokéArms used his double gatling rifle as a clubbing weapon. An explosion rocked the corridor behind them.

"As fun as it is to plow through these encounters," Tonamel said, "Solaris still seems to be blowing up."

"We’d better concentrate on escaping!" Phantom Ghost responded. Hammer and PokéArms took off down the hall, closing in on the exit.

"Where the heck is this dragon thing GOING?!" Fox shouted, "He’s already left the atmosphere! I’m not interested in any interplanetary battles today!"

"Don’t worry, we’ve almost caught up with it," El-Kusotare said.

"Gotcha. Time to open a can of groove-flavored whoop-ass on this here CaffeineDevourer and fulfill my role as the -Destined- once and for all!"

The enormous dragon-head abruptly swerved and swallowed CAM whole, and then darted in to take a bite out of El-Kusotare’s wings. The TwinkiEVA darted away and lashed out with an energy blast. The beast roared and blindly charged again. This time El-Kusotare caught the blow and latched onto the creature’s face, unleashing a rapid-fire flurry of punches.

"And now...!" Gray Fox shouted, cupping the suit’s hands for a final energy attack. The energy seared through the nose of the beast. Miniature explosions rippled through its body.

CaffeineDevourer gave a final roar and began to plummet back towards the planet’s surface.

"After that last boss battle, this was pie…I mean, cake," Fox said. El-Kusotare spun in place and plunged after it. A robotic hand smashed its way into the dragon’s body. Moments later, Fox’s mobile suit had found what it was looking for – CAM’s body, curled in a fetal position and licking the sugar off of his hands like crazy.

Fox shook his head with a laugh and watched the dragon burn up upon re-entry. "So much for you. C’mon, you crazy caffeine person, let’s go home."

"OkayjustgimmeonesecIthinkI’mfinallydonewowthatguyhadtonsofcoolstuffinsidehim!"

"Note to self," Solid Ekans scribbled on a notepad. He’d summoned Bun-Bun Wing and was coasting back down to ground level from out of one of Solaris’s ports. "Double check on supply of Pepsi back at the base."

"Agent Solid Ekans, come in," crackled a voice on his communicator, "Man, I’ve always wanted to use this thing."

"President Laguna? Is that you?" Brandon said, "What’s up? Did everyone escape from Solaris?"

"I had the citizenry escape during Time Kompression," Laguna nodded, "And it looks like all your friends have escaped, too."

"Thank mogs."

"We’ve got a problem, though," Laguna continued.

"What’s that?"

"It’s a difficult situation that needs to be solved, but that’s not important right now. Solaris isn’t just blowing up, it’s going to fall down again. And I’m not sure if you know about it, but there’s a flourishing city at the base of Solaris’s pillar."

"Really? What’s it doing there?"

"Mostly it’s a tourist spot. Anyway, uh, the big pizza-shaped city in the sky is going to crush thousands of people. You’re the only one in the area with an active mobile suit. Can you handle it?"

"I don’t really have any choice but to accept this mission," Solid Ekans said, "And although it’s probably redundant right now, I’d just like to say: Mission...accepted."

Bun-Bun Wing swerved up and pulled out a disturbing quantity of gear-sized C4 charges. As the giant city began to shudder and tip, the mobile suit’s thrusters sped it to various locations on the underside of the city. The mobile suit then encased itself in its bunny-painted armor and it took off down towards the earth as the explosion enveloped the city above.

At first, it seemed that the entire city had been consumed in the blast, but a form emerged from within the cloud of debris and it continued on downward.

"What the spoon is that?" Ekans asked.

"It looks like one of Solaris’ battleships," Laguna said, "Its defenses must have automatically raised somehow. It’s badly damaged, but if the ship’s core where to explode near the city...."

"I know, I know," Ekans said, "Back to work."

The bunny-armor broke open again as the mobile suit drew out its buster glock.

"Let’s hope it used up all its defensive power coping with the explosion," Ekans said, "Enormous explosive target locked...Mission 2 – Start."

The blast tore into the ship, creating yet another explosion of extraordinary magnitude, but as with the previous blast, another object emerged from the smoke. This time, the object was a badly damaged gear, which was thrown out onto the Bun-Bun Wing. The unmanned machine found itself in an involuntary embrace of the agent’s mobile suit as the two machines fell closer and closer to the city below.

"Oh no!" Laguna exclaimed.

"What is it now?" Ekans said.

"I thought I had that project canceled!" Laguna said, "That’s a 0083-esque experimental nuclear-equipped gear."

"Ah," Ekans said, "It’s got all this armor so it can survive being within firing range with the bomb goes off, right? That’s why it fell out of the blast almost intact. Well, I’m sure there’s all sorts of security measures and passcodes on the warhead, so it shouldn’t be armed when this thing falls, right."

"...."

"Well, even if I get it off this suit, I won’t be able to carry it to a safe distance," Ekans said, "I think the only option is to blast it to THE NEXT DIMENSION."

"You have a weapon that’ll do that?"

"Unfortunately, no," Ekans said, "but if I direct IDF-type reference power into the suit’s core, it should do it."

After keying in a few instructions on various consoles, Ekans turned to a panel labeled ‘In case of long fall while being held by another mobile suit - break glass’. Ekans smashed the plate and removed a Dead Zechsy OZ Brand Mobile Suit Parachute before leaping out of the machine.

Ekans pulled on the rip-cord and the two mecha rapidly took off away from the agent as a dimensional distortion built up around the two machines. The Bun-Bun Wing emitted a pulse of energy that sent the gear flying off of their plane of existence as the mobile suit scattered pieces of itself at right-angles to reality.

"Oh well," Ekans said, "by the time we get this adventure complied we’ll have all pretty much stopped making Sluggy references anyway. Mission all over."

THE NEXT DIMENSION

"Well, I’m glad we managed to avoid all that Fundub robot nonsense, aren’t you, Bubbles?" King Kai turned to his simian companion.

The monkey nodded in approval for a moment, but then quickly turned his gaze upward where a rift in space time had opened. A badly damaged giant robot foot hurtled out of the portal and smashed into the lone car parked on the small planet.

The words which followed were not deemed appropriate to air on Toonami.

Artemis wandered through the darkness, alone, and slightly grumpy. She knew the ref in question and was not going to stand for any comparisons to Rinoa. Never had she been so glad as now that Guardian Angels didn’t come with wings. She was just going to get the job done and go home. It would take a bit more searching, but she could put up with it for now.

Luckily for her, it didn’t take much more searching before she found the Captain lying on the stony ground, fast asleep. Artemis sighed. Go figure.

"I guess I’m supposed to wake you up," she sighed, nudging his body with her foot, "Look, I know you have to wake up eventually, so why not do it now?" She rummaged through her things. "Captain, look! Here’s some more fanart and stories for your site! Get up, you have to update!"

The Captain began to snore.

"Urggghh…!" Artemis shook, and lapsed back into her Solarian accent, "Look, -I- want to go home, and -YOU- want to go home, and sleep on your nice comfy groove in the couch in Cid’s house, so you had better wake up this very moment before I cut off your supply of poutine for an entire year! I mean it!"

The Captain rolled over, mumbling.

"Fine, that does it." She had had enough – it was time for desperate measure. Agent Artemis brewed up a cup of Ultimate Tea, piping hot...and spilled a few drops down the Captain’s cheek.

"YEEOOOWWWW!!!!" Reese hollered, bolting up into a sitting position and trying to lick the tea off. A ridiculous flower burst filled the air, revealing a sunny field that expanded for miles around. In the distance, Rocket Town’s tell-tale rocket could be seen. The closing music began to play.

The flower petals settled down upon the traveling figure of Laguna Loire. He walked slowly, approaching a small stone set in the ground. He smiled softly at it and glanced at the wedding ring set on his hand. Kneeling and brushing the hair out of his face, he examined the stone closely.

It read:

Midgar à
350 miles

A large shadow passed over head. Laguna immediately stuck his thumb out in hoped of hitching a ride. He stared up at the sky as the Highwind soared overhead. The President chased after it until it became apparent that they hadn’t seen him and weren’t going to pick him up. He sighed, slumped his shoulders, and kept walking.

The Highwind soared on, approaching a dock at Costa Del Sol, where the Amish Vomit Keg were busy fishing. Dr. Mayhem’s line was slack and had been for hours. A noise behind him caught his attention.

Professor Flint laughed proudly. He held up the large fish to display to Negative Creep, who nodded her approval. Flint turned, trying to get the fish off the hook. NC81 waited carefully, then planted her foot on Flint’s back and kicked him clear into the water.

Dr. Mayhem chortled with delight. Mini-Cactaur and Mini-Moon ran out onto the dock and chased each other around Imp Mayhem.

The Highwind passed overhead. Imp Mayhem gazed up at it, his lips pulled back in a nostalgic half-smirk.

On board the Highwind itself, Agent Caesar roamed the ship with a video camera, taking in the sights of the celebration. Gray Fox and Jimi were wailing on a set of drums and a Stratocaster, respectively, on a makeshift stage in the middle of the room. Brandon freestyled and beatboxed with intense flow, but the majority of the people in attendance waltzed, including The Captain and Princess Artemis.

Benit popped into the camera's view after finishing a dance number. She winked and flashed a V sign at the camera. Phantom Ghost came over to wave. Caesar’s hand came on screen as he waved back and then disappeared. The minter tried her darnedest to try to take Phantom Ghost’s hat, but the trainer kept a stubbornly tight grip on it. Suddenly Axer came thundering on-screen, glomping both Phantom and Benit, who fwapped him soundly. Mew floated off somewhere in the background.

Tiring of the violence, Caesar panned over to CAM, one of the only ones to sit out most of the dancing. He was at a table by himself, with a stack of Twinkies in front of him, stuffing his face as quickly as he could. Suddenly he began to choke, but luckily Benit rushed over and began to pound his back. CAM pauses, then flips out and chucked the table over, hungry for more Twinkies. Caesar sighed – why was everyone always so rowdy at parties?

He turned and spotted Shera and Cid standing out on the balcony and started to zoom in, but suddenly Tonamel popped up into the picture, insistent on not being forgotten this time. Caesar tried to tilt the camera over Tonamel’s shoulder, but suddenly the ‘Low Battery’ light began to flash, and the camera died.

Alone at last, Cid and Shera sipped at their tea out on the balcony. Cid mumbled something and Shera laughed.

They closed their eyes and leaned in to kiss, craning slowly and extending their lips to meet the other – and both settled upon the furry head of Cait Sith. The cat giggled uncontrollably. He squirmed out of his surprise perch and yelped as Cid dove for him. Shera in turn went after Cid, trying to restrain him. Team Rocket Town ran in an endless comedic circle as the Highwind’s engines kicked up and shot off into the night…carrying their dreams into the universe.

~The End~

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