Final Pokémon Solid 2
Section 9
Before anyone could stop him, Agent CAM immediately ran over to one of the computers, tried to access Rocket Town to check his messages, and also pushed some random buttons on the electronic microscope to see what happened.
"Hmmm, it updated," Agent CAM read the update message outloud, "Comrades, I would be puttin' up the final chapter of Crisis, but dat is something you American pigs do not deserve. Only those from Mother Russia would deserve it. So you can all f--- off!"
"Boy, Cap'n sure has been in a bad mood lately," Alys pointed out.
"Oh he's just a little steamed about that Sailor9000 incident," Agent CAM replied.
"Don't you guys think that he might have turned evil," Celes added," for some un-apparent reason." Agent CAM and Alys glanced at the young general. "Well it's just a thought."
"Well you do whatever, you guys," Alys said, "I've got some samples I want to test." The Eight Stroke Hunter pulled a flask labelled 'Fox Die' out of her pocket, and emptied its contents under one of the lab's electronic mircoscopes. There were a bunch of wierd looking cells and s--- that were seen alot in PE, but Alys had no experience with them.
She thumbed through the lab's books for help. "Let's see, 'Chicken Soup of the Planet Destroying Meglomaniac's Soul', 'The Roadkill Cookbook', ah here we are, 'The Audadon Field Guide to North American Cells'." She flipped through the pictures looking for something familiar. "Hmmm, its not in here. But it looks a helluva alot like a virus." Next, she looked at the sample marked 'Yuffie'. Alys flipped through, and found that they were normal Yuffie-cells, but they seemed to have Fox Die clinging to them. The next sample, 'Eve', was tested, it was basically the same get-up, but there was an extreme amount of mitochondria in them and it was growing.
On the page with Mitochondria on it in the Field Guide to North American Cells, a small sheet of paper fell out. Alys read it. All that was written on it was basically babbling about how the author of the note hated Trainer tC and Rocket Town. The Eight Stroke Hunter tossed it aside. Alys then tested the final sample. It was labelled 'Alys'.
"No, it can't be," she murmered. "It just can't be." She relunctantly tested the blood sample, and found it to be a mixture of Human cells, Yuffie-cells, Fox Die, and Ultimate Tea.
"Ultimate tea," Alys said confused. "Hrmm, I hafta see where I stand to these creatures." Alys took a seringe and collected a sample of her own blood. On the screen of the little electric microscope, her blood sample was identical to the last. Alys dropped the sample in shock, causing it to shatter on the floor.
Immediately afterwards, a little boy rushed into the lab.
"Dr.Green! Dr.Green! Some strange people broke into your office and are using your equipment!" a little boy yelled. The small boy was immediately followed by a eccentric looking bald man with neck twitching. He was obviously the owner of this lab, since he wore a lab coat.
"Good work Little Johnny," Dr.Green said.
"Thanks Dr.Green!" Little Johnny replied.
"What do you hooligans think your doing to my lab? My sccciencccce!" Dr.Green demanded.
"We were just using your equipment to examine some very important samples," Alys replied.
"Oh really, then why is he on my computer!?" Dr.Green barked.
"I'm just on the message board at RT," Agent CAM replied.
"Rocket Town! I won't have that trash on my computer!" Dr.Green commmanded.
"Fine then, you big poo' head," Agent CAM pouted as he logged off the internet. Dr.Green ran over to his microscope."And you guys have been using my microscope too!" He examined the current sample, and then his neck twitched. "This is a really interesting sample you have here. Where did you get it?"
"Um, uh, I, " Alys stammered, "found it, and I uh, wanted to check it for, um, AIDS, because, uh, um, someone might have slipped in it and contracted AIDS."
"You're not fooling anyone," Dr.Green whispered in Alys' ear. "Have you been feeling hot lately, like your going to burn up?"
"......" Alys replied.
"Have you lost conciousness recently?" Dr.Green insisted, but her name on a list on the screen of Dr.Green's computer caught her eye. Also on the list was Gray Fox's name, and a bunch of other names, starting with Yuffie and then followed by a number.
Alys immediately grabbed the Doctor by his shirt collar. "Now I have some questions for you! Why the hell is my name on that list!? And what is that list!? I know it can't be a list of hotties, because Yuffie is on it!" Alys yelled.
"Agent CAM, how do you like having an amazon for a partner?" Dr.Green challenged. "I'll tell you everything you need to know if you guys do a job for me. Well you see, there are some monsters in our basement....."
"Huh!?" Alys said as she tightened the grip she had on Dr. Green, causing his neck to twitch more.
"Um, I'm suffocating," Dr. Green quirmed.
"Oh yeah," Alys said dropping Dr. Green. Dr. Green noticed Little Johnny had something he shouldn't.
"What is that you have Little Johnny?" Dr. Green asked.
"A twinkie," Little Johnny replied.
"Now, what did Dr. Green tell you about twinkies?" Dr. Green asked.
"I don't wanna say it," Little Johnny said pulling his twinkie away from Dr.Green.
"Now what did I tell you about twinkies?"
"I don't wanna say it," Little Johnny replied at a much lower voice.
"Dammit! Little Johnny! what did I tell you?"
"I don't wanna say it," Little Johnny replied now at a complete whisper.
"Little Johnny!"
"Ok," Little Johnny whimpered, "they look like P.P.s"
"Right, Little Johnny," Dr. Green replied, "now gimme the twinkie." Agent CAM rolled his eyes.
"Noooooooooooo," Little Johnny replied pulling himself away from Dr. Green.
"Little Johnny! Give me the twinkie."
"Nooooooooooooooo," Little Johnny said as he immediately stuffed the entire Twinkie into his mouth. Dr. Green's neck twitched with anger, and he drew a scapel.
"Um, Dr. Green," Celes spoke up, "didn't you say you'd answer our questions after we do a job for you?"
"Um, yes," Dr. Green said, "there have been an increase of monsters in my basement. Every since we added that new specimen...."
"What specimen!?" Alys demanded.
"Dammit! It's not time to ask questions yet!" Dr. Green barked.
"Hmmm, monsters in the basement..." Agent CAM pondered. "I don't know how, but Yuffie is the cause of this!"
"Yeah, Agent CAM," Celes added, "That's what this entire sequel has been about."
"We'll do the job," Alys said as she notioned for her companions to accompany her. As they left, Dr. Green began to sufficate Little Johnny with a pillow.
* * *
Back at the Pentagon, Agents Axer and Artemis sat twiddling their thumbs in their cell. Suddenly, Solid Ekans, the JBI, Locke, and Agent Benit fell into the room through the ventelation shaft.
"What the hell!?" Agent Axer replied.
"We're here to rescue you," Agent Benit said.
"I doubt dat comrade," the evil Trainer tC said. "asd;gkjasd;gasdgkja! I choose you!" Suddenly the Pokeman asdlgasd;jga;sdlkghasd;lkj burst out of a Pokeball.
"Oh no!" SolidEkans replied,"Its asdlgasd;jga;sdlkghasd;lkj, the evil typo Pokeman!"
"Gold Chocobo! I choose you!" Agent Axer commanded as his Pokemon emerged.
"Bob! I choose you!" Solid Ekans called forth his Pikachu.
"asdlgasd;jga;sdlkghasd;lkj! Typo attack now!" evil trainer tC ordered his Pokeman.
"asdlgasd;jga;sdlkghasd;lkj!" asdlgasd;jga;sdlkghasd;lkj replied, and then unleashed its Typo attack. The typo changed Gold Chocobo into Cold Chocobo. The once Gold Chocobo turned blue, and despite Axer's commands, it only shivered.
"Woah, that's one helluv an attack," Locke pointed out.
"We could still win this......" Benit replied.
"We hafta believe," Agent Domino said.
"Shut-up you!" Agent Hart barked. "I'll have to help out, I guess. Dead Ferret go!" A dead ferret popped out of a Pokeball and joined the fight...well, actually, it just kinda lied there.
"A dead ferret!?" Locke questioned.
"Well its all we got, since Evil Trainer tC stole our Master Tonberry Pokeman," Agent Domino replied.
"Bob, Thunderbolt!" Solid Ekans commanded.
"Pika....PIKACHU!" the Pikachu obeyed and lit up asdlgasd;jga;sdlkghasd;lkj with a Thunderbolt. The attack left the Pokeman convulsing in seizures.
"asdlgasd;jga;sdlkghasd;lkj! Return!" evil Trainer tC commanded in a heavy Russian accent. "Master Tonberry, I choose you!" The little penguin like creature emerged from its Pokeball to begin its onslaught.
"Maybe we shouldn't have reminded evil Trainer tC that he had Master Tonberry," Agent Domino spoke up.
"Shut up, you!" Agent Hart replied.
* * *
Meanwhile, still in the ventaliation ducts of the Pentagon, Agent NC81, Erdrick, and Blues-007 were attempting to assist in the rescue. They would be glad to help if not for the fact that they could not co-operate, and wound up getting shut up there.
"This sucks," Agent Erdrick pointed out.
"Yeah, no shit...." Agent NC81 responded.
The ventelation shaft started to tremble violently, and hit with a bang.
"I think we caused the whole shaft to fall down," Blues-007 remarked.
"But where?" Agent Erdrick inquired.
Footsteps approached the trio's little personal ventalation shaft.
"Oh crap, someone is coming," Agent NC81 said.
* * *
"Hrm, power seems to be back on," Bob remarked.
Suddenly, Bob felt something breathing against the back of his neck, and turned to face a Yuffraptor face to hideous face.
"Look out Bob foo'!" Barret exclaimed as he blew away the Yuffraptor with the assistance of his gun-arm. Behind Barret, was Midori, Dan, Agent Neener, Agent Gray Fox, and Trainer Phantom Ghost.
"Ok, suckas," Barret said as he punched in a few keys in the keyboard of a nearby computer, "I've sent a distress signal and something answered it. They said they'd be here in five minutes, so we've got to get to the docks."
"What about Dr. Fei Wong Fong?" Agent Gray Fox inquired, "and Ramsus."
Barrett shrugged.
"I believe they're still in the labs." Bob said. "I sure hope nothing bad has happened to them."
Agent Neener's face suddenly lit up as if she had an idea, so she ran off while humming a complicated ditty.
"Where is that foo' goin'?" Barrett inquired.
"Beats me," Trainer Phantom Ghost remarked.
"We better get to the labs," Agent Gray said, "And fast. We've only got five minutes."
A little egg-timer set for 5 minutes appeared at the top.
"Why is it always either 5 or 10 minutes?" Agent Gray inquired.
Everyone shrugged.
* * *
"Please don't kill me...." Dr. Fei Wong Fong begged the hideous Yuffraptor that stared into his eyes.
Just across the room, Rasmus had himself concealed behind a table with his elephant gun lined up the the Yuffiesaur. Suddenly another Yuffraptor burst from behind a table beside of Rasmus.
"Clever girl......" Rasmus murdered then drew a concealed pistol and put the Yuffiesaur out of its misery. "But not clever enough." Rasmus returned to his work and dispatched the Yuffiesaur before it could eat Dr. Fei.
"Thanks Rasmus," Dr. Fei Wong Fong whimpered.
"No problem," Rasmus replied.
Agent Gray Fox, followed by Jimi, Trainer Phantom Ghost, Bob, and Barrett step into the labs.
"We're here to save you foo's," the Mr.T wanna be stated.
"But we're fine," Dr. Fei replied, "and why is there a clock floating above your heads?"
"Well, that was a perfect waste of 2 mintutes," Agent Gray Fox remarked. "Uh, that's the amount of time we have to get to the docks so we can get the hell off of this island."
"Well, I think Jimi didn't care about that," Trainer Phantom Ghost stated, "he broke a sweat running down here." Jimi was in his own little world now.
Agent Gray Fox, Dr.Fei Wong Fong, Trainer Phantom Ghost, Dan, Midori, Jimi, Bob, Barrett, and Rasmus made haste out of the labs and Visitor Center. Agent Gray Fox checked the timer that floated above his head.
"Damn, only two minutes left, and the docks are on the other side of this island," Agent Gray Fox complained.
"Well, that isn't far of a walk," Barret stated, "but we'd have to fight through those Yuffraptorsucka-foo's."
"Hey guys!" Agent Neener called out, "I got us a vehicle!" Agent Neener pulled aside some bushes to reveal.....
"The Popemobile?" Trainer Phantom Ghost questioned.
"Yeah, Da Pope loaned it to me for FPS2," Agent Neener explained, "Though it never made an appearance til now."
"Well, let's go," Agent Gray Fox announced. The gang jumped into Da Popemobile and headed for the docks. They made it there with 30 seconds to spare.
"I was wondering," Trainer Phantom Ghost stated, "What kind of vehicle can get our signal, and then reach us in only five minutes?" Before anyone could come up with something, the timer ran out, and the answer came. A large object sped towards them at an extremely fast speed, and the water jetted from its sides.
"Oh my god!" Trainer Phantom Ghost panicked, "It's WEAPON!"
"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts," Agent Neener sang out.
"No, wait..." Agent Gray Fox said looking through a pair of bonoculars, "It's a GMC 1982 Custom Van."
"But vans don't float," Jimi added, "do they?"
"It can only be..." Barret started, "Mr. T!"
Mr.T parked his van on the docks, and jumped out.
"Ok, foo's we've gotta get offa dis island," Mr.T stated, "so let's mosey!"
"Why do you hafta say it like a wuss, sucka?" Barret challenged.
"Barret!" Mr.T exclaimed, "Mr.T is copyrighted and you're infriging my copyright. Your ass is flyn'!" Mr.T tosseed Barret into the wild blue yonder.
"Hey, he was the best bodyguard we had," Bob stated, "I don't give a damn about your copyright." Bob was promptly tossed.
"Hey, that's my employer!" Dr.Fei Wong Fong and Rasmus objected and joined Bob's fate.
"Hey, you can't do that to Fei!" Dan yelled at Mr.T. Mr.T tossed Dan, too.
"....." Midori replied.
"I don't like kids given me no smart allec jibba-jabba," Mr.T announced and then tossed Midori.
"Well, that is certainly a way to get rid of excess characters," Trainer Phantom Ghost pointed out.
"Well, it worked," Agent Gray Fox said, "Now we just need Mr.T to toss a few more people and that character crisis will be over." The gang jumped into Mr.T's GMC 1982 Custom Van and drove off in search of Daravon.
* * *
Agent CAM once again riding his Magitek Armor, Celes, and Alys were riding the elevator down to the basement to eradicate this monster problem Dr.Green spoke to them about. Celes was polishing her sword Illumina, Alys was standing with arms crossed, and Agent CAM was rocking his head to the rhythm of the elevator music version of "What is Love?". Alys rolls her eyes: this wasn't worth the 10,000 mesata. She should have charged more. The elevator came to a stop, the little floor light lit up "B2", and the doors slid open. The Eight Stroke Sword Hunter, and her companions reluctantly creeped through them.
Alys' hand fumbled for a light switch. She flipped it and illuminated the halls. The lights flickered off, and the emergency green colored lights flared on.
"You'll be staying here for awhile," a familiar voice called, "I see the good docter has sent me something to play with."
"Oh s---, it's Eve," Agent CAM panicked. "We'll all combust!" Agent CAM started running around in his Magitek screaming.
"It's alright CAM, we'll just go back upstairs," Celes reassured and then tried the buttons of the elevator.
"Damn, all the power seems to be out," Alys stated.
"We'll have to find the fuse box," Agent CAM stated, "and then get the hell out of here." Suddenly something charged at them; a Yuffiesaur.
"What the hell!?" Agent CAM said after blasting the Yuffiesaur with BoltBeam,"what are Yuffiesaurs doing here?"
"I don't know, but I don't like the looks of this," Celes said.
"Well, let's keep moving," Alys said. Suddenly the ground began to shake, and three Mutated Armadillos bursted out of the floor. Celes hacked at them with Illumina, unable to penetrate through their thick shell, and so were Alys and Agent CAM's attacks.
Agent CAM noticed a button on the Magitek that said "Push in Case of Emergency". Agent CAM pushed the button, and the glove compartment popped open, and out fell a Materia and four pieces of paper. Agent CAM examined his findings. He tucked the papers away, and armed himself with this new Materia.
"Hey guys!" Agent CAM called out, "I have Technicolor Materia, and that must mean I'm a Technicolor Mage." Agent CAM cast a spell from the Materia, turning the Armadillos plaid.
"Well, that had a lot of sense to it," Alys remarked. The armadillos charged, but were intercepted by a mysterious rocket blasting them to smitherines. The trio looked back to see Agent Aya holding the LAW20 Rocket Launcher with the words "Liberator" inscribed on it.
"Agent Aya?" Celes said, "I thought you were dead."
"Yeah, I get that a lot," Agent Aya replied as she loaded another rocket into Liberator. "Let's go." They walked up to the Fuse Room, and opened the door.
"Oh my god...." Agent CAM murmered as his eyes widened.
"Was is it?" Celes said pushing Agent CAM aside to see what is the matter, and she too stood in shock. Agent Aya took a look followed by Alys.
"God, that's just awful," Alys murmered. Inside the fuse room were cats, millions of cats, and they seemed to be laying on a human figure, struggling to get free.
"Who is that?" Celes asked.
"Umm.....Itls Cap'n!" Agent CAM said as he ran to the crumpled form of good Trainer tC being pinned under the pile of cats.
"He appears to be suffering from Catatonia," Agent Aya pointed out, "The inability to move because of cats."
"Well theres only one way to cure that," Alys said as she unsheathed her Moonslashers. Everyone nodded in agreement; Agent CAM fired up his Magitek, Celes brandished Illumina, and Aya loaded another rocket into Liberator.
The following scenes have been excluded due to violent content.
CENSORED!
"Well, that was fun," Agent CAM said as good Trainer tC brushed himself off.
"But you could have used a more non-violent way to get those cats off of me," good Trainer tC remarked.
"But that wouldn't be as fun," Agent CAM replied.
"Yeah, but then those poor kitties wouldn't have gotten hurt," good Trainer tC said.
Agent CAM blinked in confusion. This was something weird for the Cap'n to say, considering it was cats, and they've been holding him down in the basement for the entire story.
"Well, now we have to fix the fuse box," Agent Aya said as she fumbled, placing new fuses into the box. "Hey, why isn't it working?"
"Maybe it's because all Eve did was cut the cord," Celes said as he pointed to a cut wire leading from the fuse box.
"Oh," Agent Aya said.
"Now be careful Aya," Alys said, "You might get shocked."
"Trust me, I know what I'm doing," Agent Aya said as she grabbed the two ends of the cord, and 100,000 volts of electricity ran through her body. Fortunately, the power did come back on.
"Oh my god, they killed Agent Aya," Agent CAM cried out.
"That's just awful," good Trainer tC sobbed. Agent CAM only glanced at good Trainer tC.
"Who are 'they'?" Celes questioned.
"Well, its 'them'," Agent CAM replied, "And they're bastards because they killed Aya."
"Shouldn't we try to save her?" Celes pointed out.
"Save her?" Agent CAM blinked.
"I know CPR," Celes said and administered CPR on the fallen agent.
Ten minutes later.
"Well, that was entirely pointless," Celes said, giving up.
"Well, now that we have the power back on," Agent CAM started, "We should get the hell out of here."
"I agree," Alys agreed. The party ran towards the elevator, and the elevator door opened to reveal Eve.
* * *
Axer whimpered as the Master Tonberry waddled towards him whilst he was backed into a corner. Meanwhile, Bob blasted the vile pokeman with thunderbolts, and Cold Chocobo just shivered.
"Um, Axer I think I have an idea..." Agent Artemis spoke up, "All you have to do is..."
"Believe!" Agent Domino broke in.
"Shut up, you!" Agent Hart replied.
"No, all you have to do is run from it," Agent Artemis said, "Master Tonberry isn't that fast."
Agent Axer ran past the Pokémon. "Hey you're right. Heck, he's so slow you don't even have to run."
"Then let's get the hell out of here," Locke called to the group. Everyone ran away from the Cap'n and his waddling pokemon.
"You cin run, but you cin't hide, comrades,"evil Trainer tC called towards the evading Agents, "Master Tonberry return!" After 15 minutes of waiting the Pokémon waddled another inch towards Trainer tC. "Screw it. Master Tonberry kill Agent Artemis!" The Master Tonberry nodded and waddled on.
Suddenly evil Trainer tC's PHS rang. "Allo?" evil Trainer tC answered.
"Evil Trainer tC," Villian #5 said on the other side of the line, "HE's called again, and he wants to talk to you."
"Put 'em on," evil Trainer tC replied.
* * *
"What have we here?" murmered Villian #1 as Yuffie-clones dragged off a ventalation duct containing Blues-007, Agent Erdrick, and Agent NC81.
"You'll never get away with this!?" Agent Blues-007 called.
"That's what they all say," Villian#1 said, "now lock them in the dungeon."
"But we, like, don't have one," a Yuffie-clone replied.
"Then lock them up in a small, dark place," Villian#1 said.
"I think their already in one Le-" a Yuffie-clone replied.
"Don't say my name in public," Villain#1 interuppted, "Well, just leave those Agents where they are then."
* * *
The JBI, Agent Artemis, Agent Axer, Agent Benit, and Locke were being chased down the halls by a large horde of Yuffie-clones followed by a Master Tonberry waddling twelve yards behind.
"I've got an idea!" Agent Axer said and then threw down a PotatoE. The Yuffies tripped over it as the Agents escaped on the Big Whale.
Master Tonberry looked at the potatoE at his feet. He promptly stabbed it and the potatoE exploded into little curly FrieS.
* * *
Agent CAM lifted his eyes to meet the crystal green eyes for Eve standing before him, knowing that any moment that Eve could cause him to combust. Agent CAM clutched the controls of his Magitek Armor, Alys drew her Moonslashers and twirled them around menacingly, Cele tightened her grip on Illumina, and good Trainer tC just hid.
"What the hell!?" Agent CAM said losing his battle concentration, "Cap'n has never run from a battle before."
During Agent CAM's lull of concentration Eve blasted him with a javelin of energy. The Magitek riding Agent was thrown across the room and into a wall. Celes ran to the smoldering pile of debris that once contained Agent CAM.
"CAM! NO!!!" Cele cried out, and as if in cue, the rubble blew away to reveal Agent CAM floating my mid-air encased in a red aura.
Agent CAM's eyes narrowed at the looming Eve, and uttered, "You trashed my Magitek!" Eve suddenly turned plaid.
"Ewww, plaid," Eve moaned.
Agent CAM drew the Chainsaw "tool" that he stole from Edgar, and uttered only two words."Beat down...." The Chainsaw roared to life and Agent CAM promptly began slicing and dicing Eve. Eve still did not fall. Agent CAM invoked his most powerful Technicolor spell. "Awful Color Scheme!" Agent CAM turned Eve into an awkward looking tie dye mixture of plaid, olive, magenta, and Eygptian Plum.
"Eypgptian plum, ewwwww, I think I'm gonna be sick....." Eve groaned and then melted away.
Victory music cued up. Agent CAM attempted to twirl the Chainsaw, but it slipped out of his hand and goes sailing across the room almost giving Alys a bad haircut.
"Um, sowwy......"
* * *
Dr. Green talked on the cell phone from his office.
"Allo?" a voice with a strong Russian accent said on the other end of the line.
"Hello, is this evil Trainer tC?" Dr. Green replied to his phone.
"Yes, dat is me comrade," evil Trainer tC replied, "Vhat do you vant?"
"I want you dead," Dr. Green stated, "Or I'll activate Fox Die."
"Vell dat von't be coming very soon," evil Trainer tC snapped, "Besides you do not have the guts to-" Dr. Green suddenly hung up the phone. He pulled a small device from his pocket. Dr. Green sighed for a moment, flipped the device open, and pressed a small red button located in the center.
Suddenly, Dr. Green noticed that Little Johnny was doing something he was not supposed to on the computer.
"What are you doing, Little Johnny?" Dr. Green questioned with a neck twitch.
"I'm responding to the messages in Shera's Kitchen," Little Johnny replied.
"What!?" Dr. Green said with an even larger twitch, "Now what did I tell you about Rocket Town?"
"I don't wanna say it."
"Little Johnny..."
"I don't wanna say it."
"Little Johnny!"
"I don't wanna say it."
"LITTLE JOHNNY."
"I don't wanna say it."
"DAMMIT LITTLE JOHNNY!"
"Ok," Little Johnny replied, "the Captain is the devil."
"That's right, Little Johnny," Dr. Green replied.
"Look, Dr.Green!" Little Johnny said pointing, "it's the devil."
Dr.Green turned to face good Trainer tC, Alys, and Celes.
"Oh crap...." Dr.Green murmured.
Alys grabbed Dr. Green by his shirt collar, and lifted him off the ground. "Now why don't you enlighten us about what's going on here," Alys stated. "Keeping information from me is one of the five most deadly things in the world."
"You are a puppet Alys," Dr. Green sneered, "A mere Yuffie-clone. Do you remember what happened in Aiedo five years ago?" Alys threw down Dr. Green. "I thought so."
"Alys is what you look like," Dr. Green stood up brushing himself off, "But soon you will suffer the same fate as the original."
Alys clutched her Moonslashers still in their sheaths.
"Don't listen to him," Celes said.
"Death is so awful," good Trainer tC sobbed.
Dr. Green approached Celes, but suddenly a whip lashed around one of Dr.Green's arms and he was thrown into a surprise punch performed by Agent CAM. Dr. Green was knocked unconscious, while Agent CAM clentched his hand screaming in pain.
"I think I broke it!" Agent CAM yelped.
"Whiner...." Alys murmered.
"CAM! You saved me," Celes replied, "I didn't see that pistol he had."
Alys waved smelling salts under Dr. Green's nose after he had promptly been tied to a chair with duct tape.
"Now you can answer a few questions for us..." Alys sneered. "What have you done to the Captain!?"
"I split his mind," Dr. Green said while gesturing to an odd device in the corner of the room bearing the words "Made in Russia" on it, "...with that. A transmutation device. I split the Captain into two personalities. One is passive and good, the other is evil and aggressive."
"Now what about me being a Yuffie-clone?" Alys questioned.
"Your time left on this world is very short," Dr. Green said, "I'm about to make it shorter. Eve, do it now."
"Oh spoony!" Agent CAM cried out.
Agent CAM grabbed Celes and propelled himself out of the window followed by Alys and good Trainer tC. The party landed on the street, and looked back up at the fourth floor of the museum.
"How come there's nothing burning?" Agent CAM inquired.
"I think that has something to do with the fact that you killed Eve," Alys replied.
"Oh."
"HAHAHAHA! I fooled you!" Dr. Green called down to them while displaying his middle finger. "What do you think of that!?" Dr. Green promptly mooned them.
"I did not need so see that!" Agent CAM groaned as he found himself barely able to keep his lunch of twinkies and mocha down.
"That certainly made my day...." Alys muttered.
"THAT wasn't very nice," good Trainer tC pointed out.
"No duh...." Cele said.
"Let's beat the crap out him!" Agent CAM broke the longuish pause. They all ran to the door, and found Dr. Green's most evilliest plot. "He locked the door! How will we get in now?"
"Let's break down the door!" Celes suggested.
"If you break the door," Dr. Green said from the other side, "you have to pay for it."
"Damn...." Agent CAM muttered, "I have another idea!"
"The same goes for the windows!" Dr. Green yelled back. Agent CAM snapped his fingers.
"Well now what?" Cele muttered.
"Well we could-" Alys said.
"Let's go see Phantom Menace!" Agent CAM suggested, pulling out the four sheets of paper he recovered from his Magitek.
"Don't we need to be concentrating on the task at hand?" Alys plead to no avail. Agent CAM and Celes had already loaded into the Epoch. Alys glanced at good Trainer tC.
"Eh," he shrugged. Alys and good Trainer tC reluctantly followed.
"I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace, I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace, I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace, I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace," CAM chanted, "I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace, I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace, I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace, I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace..."
"Eh," good Trainer tC shrugged.
"I did NOT get paid enough for this job," the Eight Stroke Hunter groaned.
* * *
"So how are the prisoners?" Villian #5 inquired, "Did you lock them in the dungeon?"
"No," Villian #3 replied, "They're already in a small dark place, so what was the point?"
"They might figure out a way to escape!" Villain #5 screamed.
"Ok, I'll send some Yuffie-clones to take them to the dungeon," Villian #3 remarked.
"You do that," Villian #5 said and then sat at his desk petting his cat.
"Could you do something original for once?" Villian #3 remarked.
"How about you?" Villain #5 replied.
"I'm very original!" Villain #3 snapped.
"As original as an episode of South Park...." Villain #5 said.
"Well....well...at least I can spell!" Villain #3 remarked.
"Keep it down in there you jerks!" Villain #4 yelled.
"Jerks?" Villain#5 said, "What the hell did we ever do to you!?"
"I'm leaving!" Villain #4 yelled back.
"Good! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!" Villain #3 snapped. Villain #4 walked out, and then came back five minutes later to yell at Villains #3 and #5 some more.
* * *
Agent Gray, Mr.T, D, Agent1469, Agent Neener, Trainer Phantom Ghost, and Jimi were driving down across the ocean from the acursed Yuffrasic Park in Mr.T's GMC 1982 Custom Van. (The Official Van of the A-Team.) Agent Neener was working on her version of "On Top of Spaghetti" for her new hit CD of very annoying songs that she decided to sing, Agent Gray and Trainer Phantom Ghost were complaining about that the whole way, Agent1469 wished that he was deaf like everyone thinks he was, Jimi was working on a song for the FPS2 Soundtrack, D was staring off into space, and Mr.T was watching the tracking device given to him by Agent Benit intently.
Suddenly a blip flared up on the screen of the tracking device and Mr.T murmured as he shifted the gears of his van. "This Daravonsucka are deadmeat! Err, is deadmeat. That foo' gettin' me to talk like him."
* * *
Meanwhile, at a nearby movie theatre in Midgar, there was a line waiting to get into Phantom Menace. This was, in fact, one of the biggest movies that Midgar has ever gotten their hands on due to the fact that everything played before Meteor was Shinra related (i.e. Shinra Wars, The Shinra Strikes Back, Return of the Shinra, and Beauty and the Shinra.), and Loveless was just tasteless.
In the line stood the Fabulous Foursome (Agent CAM, Alys, Celes, and good Trainer tC) next in line to get in the theatre; Agent CAM stood dressed up as the young Obi-wan from Phantom Menace, Celes was dressed up as Amidala, and Alys and good Trainer tC didn't bother with an elaborate costume.
"I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace, I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace, I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace," Agent CAM chanted, "I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace, I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace, I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace, I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace, I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace, I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace, I'm gonna go see Phantom Menace...."
"Eh," good Trainer tC shrugged.
"I'm not getting paid enough for this," Alys complained, "I've already spent half of it at Fox's Bar...."
In front of the Fabulous Foursome were Edgar dressed as Luke, Umaro dressed as Chewbacca, Sabin dressed up as Han Solo, and Shadow dressed up as, well, Shadow. Edgar was searching for his elusive Phantom Menace tickets which he swore he had.
"Uh, do you have your tickets, sir?" the clerk asked.
"Um, yeah," Edgar said, "I think I might have left them in that Magitek Armor in South Figaro though...."
"I think Agent CAM stole that suit of Magitek, bro," Sabin pointed out.
"Dammit! It's that damn CAM again!" Edgar exclaimed.
"Uh, sir, I take it you don't have any tickets," the clerk replied," So get the hell out of line!"
Agent CAM, and friends stepped up in line. "Do you have tickets, sir?"
"Sure do," Agent CAM replied as he pulled out four Phantom Menace tickets.
"Hey, isn't that Agent CAM?" Sabin said.
"It sure is," Edgar replied cracking his knuckles, "I see a fight in the future." Umaro did a cheap Chewbacca roar impression.
"Hey you jackarses!" Sabin called towards CAM and da gang, "We shall now duel for the tickets!" Edgar charged Agent CAM, Sabin charged Celes, Shadow walked towards Alys, and Umaro let loose another rip-off roar and charged good Trainer tC.
Edgar drew Atma Weapon, and Agent CAM drew his "geniune" styrofoam lightsaber that he paid 5,000 gil for on E-Bay.
"Feel the wrath of Jedi-Technicolor Mage Obi-WannareadmoreHellorHighwind CAMobi!" Agent CA-erm Obi-WannareadmoreHellorHighwind CAMobi bellowed and then turned Edgar plaid.
"Ewww, plaid....." Edgar said, "you turned my cool threads an awful color, now the ladies will never like me. You shall die for this!" Edgar brought down Atma Weapon chopping right through Obi-WannareadmoreHellorHighwind CAMobi's styrofoam lightsaber.
"What!?" Obi-WannareadmoreHellorHighwind CAMobi exclaimed, "that thing cost me 5,000 gil!" A red aura razed around Agent CAM, he narrowed his eyes and said, "Sugar Rush!" Agent CAM tackled Edgar Ehrgiez (is that how you spell it?) style, punched him twenty consecutive times in the solar plexis, grabbed Edgar's leg and pulled back creating a sickening *crack*, grabbed Edgar by the head, and threw him through a parked car's window.
"Teach you to break my lightsaber," Obi-WannareadmoreHellorHighwind CAMobi sneered.
Sabin charged Celes, who jolvially kicked Sabin between the legs, bringing the large man down. Agent CAM crossed his legs in a sympathetic manner.
"I win," Celes boasted.
Shadow approached Alys as his theme played in the background. "Hello, Alys.."
"Hi, Shadow," Alys said, "How's the business of being a hired gun?"
"Same old, same old," Shadow relied, "You?"
"Just fine," Alys said, "Except for the fact that I'm working underpaid, my partner is hardly talkative, and now all kinds of people are claiming that I'm some puppet Yuffie-clone. Still same old, same old." Shadow nodded.
Umaro roared another ripoff and charge at good Trainer tC, whose only reaction was to scream and run away. Finally after much chasing, Umaro had good Trainer tC cornered with no escape. With no other choices, good Trainer tC drew a small Pokeball from his jacket. "Cute little animal! I choose you!" A cute little animal emerged from the Pokeball.
"Cute little animal," good Trainer tC ordered,"Happy Song and Dance!" The Cute Little Animal responded by doing a Happy Song and Dance around Umaro with no effect. Umaro stomped the Cute Little Animal into dust.
"Nooo..." good Trainer tC sobbed.
"Don't worry Cap'n!" Agent CAM said as he secured a can of Citra and shook it,"I'll save you!" Agent CAM hurled the can of Citra at Umaro, which bounced off the sasquatch's cranium knocking the beast out.
"Hey why didn't it go off?" Agent CAM said picking up the can of Citra. "Oh yeah, I didn't open the can.....oops."
* * *
Dr. Green stared into the computer moniter as he monotonously typed away, which repeated the same sounds and rhythm. It nearly sounded like a song. On the screen flared a countdown, with two hours left and ticking away.
"Two hours," Dr.Green murmered, "Until Fox Die is activated, and all hell shall break loose for the Jenova witnesses and those spoony Agents."
Dr. Green turned to watch the news.
"This just in," the News Anchor on TV said, "there has been a massive explosion of Citra in front of the Midgar Multiplex Theatre."
"My, my, Alys..." Dr. Green stated, "you ought to be doing something better with your time than watch a movie. You don't have that much longer...." Dr. Green suddenly noticed Little Johnny was doing something he shouldn't. "What do you have there Little Johnny?"
"Citra," the timid boy said gesturing at a can of Citra.
"Now what did I tell you about Citra!?" Dr. Green demanded.
"I don't wanna say it...."
"Little Johnny....."
"I don't wanna say it...."
"Little Johnny."
"I don't wanna say it."
"Little Johnny!"
"I don't wanna say it."
"Dammit Little Johnny!"
"Ok. Citra goes in one end," Little Johnny started shaking the can, "and EXPLODES out the other."
"Now gimme the Citra, Little Johnny," Dr. Green said.
"Noooo...." Little Johnny said in protest as he opened the can, but nothing happened.
"Good, it must be a dud..." Dr. Green relaxed as sweat beaded down his bald forehead.
* * *
Meanwhile, outside of the museum, passerbys screams as a sudden yellow wave of Citra bursts out the windows and onto the streets of Midgar. The Citra ran through cracks in the street, and flooded the slums below.
Tifa and Cloud stood up on top of their trusty bar Tifa's Seventh Heaven as up to the roof was nothing but Citra, which still mysteriously rained down from above.
"This sucks...." Cloud muttered.
"Reeve really needs to fix those cracks in the plate," Tifa stated.
* * *
"That was a great movie!" Agent CAM exclaimed.
"Sure was," Celes agreed while sipping on a can of Citra.
"Well, let's get back to business," Alys suggested.
"Eh," good Trainer tC shrugged.
"Um, do you know any good informants?" Alys asked.
"Yeah, there's Agent1469," Agent CAM replied, "and that old fart that was Gryz's grandfather in PS4-"
"No!" Alys interuppted, "I know another Hunter down in New Orleans that's good at gathering information."
The Fabulous Foursome jumped into what was left of the Epoch and headed for the Big Easy. Alys guided Agent CAM to a bookstore on the corner of Bourbon Street called St. George's Book Shop.
Agent CAM parked the Epoch outside of the small bookstore and jumped out followed by his friends.
"Whoa Alys, you're sweating like a Gwuatomalian donkey," Agent CAM said. "I'm wearing a Cid outfit and I'm not even breaking a sweat."
Alys dismissed whatever Agent CAM was saying, she was feeling dizzy and disconnected. Her temples were pounding, and she was burning up. She would fight this "cold"... her will was too strong.
"Well, let's go," Alys said walking through the door of St. George's Bookshop.
"Gee, a customer," the clerk murmered looking up from a book.
"Hi, Gracie," Alys said, hanging up her red coat on the wall.
"You don't look so good, Alys," Grace replied.
"I'm fine," Alys reassured, "Is Gabe up?"
"Of course not," Grace stated,"It's still 3:00 PM." Grace's remark was followed by a groan from the back room, followed by the store's owner, Gabriel Knight.
"It lives I see," Grace remarked, "You've must have had a bad night. Your hair is all sticking up and going in wild directions..oh, wait, it always does that."
"Uh....." Gabriel replied.
"There's a fresh pot on the table," Grace said. Gabriel immediately poured himself a cup of coffee, and Agent CAM followed suit by finishing the pot.
"I need some information on a few things," Alys started, "Fox Die, Yuffie, Mothmen, and Dr. Green."
"Dr. Green?" Grace inquired,"I think I have something on him in my pile of miscellaneous newspaper clippings."
"Grace, you should get a life," Gabe suggested.
"I would if you'd pay me," Grace snapped.
"Hmmm, Yuffie and Mothmen," Gabe said. "That sounds supernatural. I better call Gerde to look up some info on them in the Ritter Library. I think we have a book on Fox Die on the top self......"
Gabriel made his way to the ladder, and was stopped by Grace.
"No, Knight," Grace remarked, "I'll get it." Then Grace remembered she was wearing a dress, and Gabriel was standing right behind her. "Nevermind. I don't think a book from here would help you."
"I'll call Schloss Ritter," Gabriel said picking up the phone.
"Got any asprin? I've got a killer headache," Alys muttered.
* * *
The Giant of Bab-il, now completed, flew over the hills towards Rocket Town with intents to burn the place down. The evil Professor Daravon from a parallel universe stroked his gotee with glee.
"Mr.T cannot stop me now," the evil Daravon said, "the Giant of Bab-il is too fast for him. His van goes the speed of helluva fast, but the Giant of Bab-il goes 2x the speed of helluva fast."
The Giant of Bab-il's shadow covered Rocket Town, and a glint appeared on the hills.
"What is this?!" Daravon said. "The scanners say there is a GMC 1982 Custom van here! How can this be?"
"I've been waiting for hours sucka!" Mr.T said, "Cid fixed up my van, it now goes five times the speed of Helluva fast. My van are fast, foo'! Aw, dammit I did it again."
"ABC, 123..." Agent Neener sang, "I pity the foo' that mess with Mr.T!"
"Your singing is giving me a migraine....." Agent Gray Fox said holding his temples.
Mr.T revved up his van, and ramped directly into the head of the Giant of Bab-il.
"You made me helluva mad!" Mr.T said. "You tried to destroy Rocket Town, and there's Youth Centers in Rocket Town!" The evil Proffessor Daravon was promptly tossed.
"Alright!" Agent Neener cheered. "Now for a victory Citra." Agent Neener opened a can of Citra, but fumbled and the can rolled into the Giant of Bab-il's exhaust pipe.
"Oh crap!" Trainer Phantom Ghost remarked. "Let's get out of here!" Mr.T hit the gas in his van, and plummeted towards Rocket Town as the Giant of Bab-il exploded in an explosion of Citra.
In Cid's house, Mr.T and his van suddenly crashed through the roof.
"Uh, Captain..." Shera started.
"Dammit! I'm trying to watch the Dukes!" Cid snapped. "Hey, why is it raining Citra?"
Suddenly Mr.T's PHS rang.
"This is Mr.T foo'!" Mr.T answered.
"Mr.T," Agent CAM said on the other end of the line, "Come to New Orleans and fast! Something really bad just happened."
* * *
And now a word from our sponsor.
I hope you enjoy. Now I'm going to reward myself with an oh so yummy and oh so delicous can of Citra! Citralicous! ::drops the can:: Oh darn it got shook a little bit, its still good... ::opens the can::
*New Flash*
There was been a huge geyser of what appears to be Citra erupting from the middle of Rocket Town's Shera's Kitchen.
Go on to Section 10