Final Pokémon Solid 2

Section 1

COMPILER'S NOTES: Well, as Gray Fox put it last time: "This' the big one." Well now that you've had a chance to read the first installment, we at Shera's Kitchen Messageboard are proud to present to you its sequel, Final Pokemon Solid 2. And don't forget to watch out for the third installment, FPS3, in the far future. Enjoy the show.

P.S.: With profuse apologies to Fritz Fraundorf again.

* * *

He entered a shabby hotel room in somewhere in Sector 7 and wasn't too happy with the condition of the place. As he settled a bag down on the bed he looked out the window and saw the Sector in it's full glory. As he looked outside he saw many people on the streets, kids running around as they played kid like games, and a beautiful garden scenery. He stared at the Sector for a moment and then raised an eyebrow as he saw that the people had not been moving for quite awhile. He reached out the window only to find that he had hit a painting which he had been staring at all this time. He ripped out the picture from it's holdings as he saw the true Sector 7 from outside the window. To his surprise it was the total opposite of what he had seen in the painting. He saw almost no people on the streets, barely any kids playing games, and a single weed had been growing between the cracks of the cement.

He let out a heavy sigh as he closed the curtains and sat down on a shabby chair with only three legs and the other leg was being held up by books. Surpisingly enough he thought that this area would be horribly crushed by the top plate but thanks to the wonderful patented invention called the Instant Plot Device (TM) the place was as good as new. Well, not as good as he had expected it to be anyway. He reached out for the remote and pressed the on switch but found out that it wasn't working. He looked at the remote for a moment and saw a slot with a small sign reading 'Please insert 25 gil to use the remote'.

"Great...." muttered Agent Axer to himself as he took out a 25 gil coin.

He was about to insert the coin inside the remote when he noticed some engraving which caught his eye. Agent Axer flipped the coin around and around until he found the words he was looking for.

"Made by Agent Benit, Master Coin Minter Extroadinare" said Agent Axer as he silently read the inscription outloud.

He gave a slight shrug as he stopped examining the coin and inserted it into the slot. As he did so, the remote began to hum strangely and then stopped as a timer had been set.

"You have 2 minutes to use the Pay-per-view TV. Please enjoy and this remote will self-destruct after the time has run out" said the mechanical voice from the remote as it went deathly silent.

Agent Axer pressed the on switch and began to surf between all the channels. He stopped at channel 21 in which he saw a show called 'Dukes of Hazzard' playing at that time. The Agent decided not to watch it as he surfed through the channels again and ended up on channel 28 where he saw the familiar Agent CAM eating a twinkie.

"Mmmmmm!" Agent CAM said as he continued to eat the twinkie, "Scrum delicious!"

"Psssst!" said another voice not present in the commercial, "That's Scrum-dilly-umcious!"

"What???" exclaimed Agent CAM as he looked away from the camera.

"No, you fool! Look at the camera!" said the same non-present voice.

"What???" exclaimed Agent CAM as he looked around since he was confused.

"::sigh:: Just look at the camera and eat the twinkie....." said the non-present voice.

At this time Agent Axer began to surf through the channels and then passed a station which caught his eye. The Agent went back a few numbers as he landed on channel 35 and watched the commercial take place.

"I know you're there, you're watching right now, aren't you?" asked a mysterious voice from the television

Agent Axer blinked for a few times in confusion and then slowly pointed to himself questioningly. The shadow on the screen nodded as it continued it's ominous speech

"I know what you did and I'm going to get you...!" excalimed the voice more harshly than before.

"Get me....?" whimpered Agent Axer as he gulped the lump in his throat.

"That's right, I'm going to get you when I meet you....and then you will DIE!!!" shrieked the shadow.

"Die.....????? It can't be Eve....." said Agent Axer as he began to shiver with fright.

"Yes, that's right, you'll die," said the shadow as the lights began to shine on the person, "When you taste the Ultimate Tea at Rocket Town!!"

"What the....?" said Agent Axer as he stopped shivering and paid attention to the commercial.

"That's right, you'll feel like you've died and gone to Tifa's 7th Heaven when you taste our new manufactured Ultimate Tea," said Shera from the television set, "Made by special ingredients found by studying the chemical contents of the Ultimate tea, we were able to duplicate the same taste you can get if you drank the 'Tea of the Gods!'"

The Agent wiped a few beads of sweat that was on his forehead as he began to surf through the channels. He then decided that he would stop at channel 42 since the time on the remote seemed to have gone down to 1.

"Now you've heard her in her hit album 'It's Cool to be Out of Key' and her most recent album 'Out of Sync' now comes, Agent Neener, in her new smash single called 'Screeching Banshee'" said the announcer as the picture then showed Agent Neener singing.

"C'mon now, hear me a screechin', like you've never heard me screech before. Hear me screech and screech and SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE....!" sang Agent Neener as she continued to screech until her face was turning blue.

Agent Axer had to cover up his ears as the glass of the television set began to vibrate. Suddenly, after a 20 second long screeching, all the dogs from the neighborhood were howling as they heard the song and eventually the television glass shattered. Agent Axer released his grip on his ears as he looked at the television set and saw smoke trailing from within it. The Agent let out a heavy sigh as he threw the remote out the window as the numbers read 0.

* * *

Just outside of the shabby hotel that Agent Axer was staying at, Agent Aya was looking through a map. She began to flip it over and over and finally gave up at finding the location she desired as the Agent threw the map on the ground with frustration.

"Great....," muttered Agent Aya, "Now I'll never find Agent Axer and tell him the super important top secret message now..."

Agent Aya looked up as she saw a remote diving down towards her like a hawk. The remote then began to beep a few times as she watched the remote slowly fall towards her.

"The time has expired from the Pay-per-view remote. We hope you have enjoyed using our product and also hope that you will have a nice day. We will now return to the regular scheduled remote explosion which will commence.....now" said the remote as it landed in Agent Aya's hands.

"I HATE my life..." muttered Agent Aya.

Suddenly the remote let out a tremendous explosion which literally shook the air as Agent Axer was thrown off the chair and onto the floor. He looked out the window as he saw Agent Aya being thrown up into the air and onto the Ionosphere.

"This isn't funny....!" exclaimed Agent Aya as she disappeared into the night sky.

As Agent Axer stood up from the ground and rubbed his aching bum, he had a thoughtful contemplation.

"I wonder how the other Agents are doing right now...." asked Agent Axer to himself.

* * *

Mr.T and Agent CAM were all ready to begin the next twinkie commmercial.

"And... action!" the director bellowed through his megaphone.

Agent CAM took a bite out of a twinkie. "MMMMM, materialicous!"

"Cut!" the director barked through the megaphone, "No, it's 'mmmmm, twinkielicous.' Take it from the top!"

Agent CAM took another bite out of a twinkie. "Mmmmmm, twinkielicous!"

Mr.T barked, "I pity da foo' who don't eat twinkies!"

Suddenly twelve men dressed from their head to toes in black mercenary garb crashed through the skylight armed with MP10 submachine guns.

"Down with Hostess!" the first mercenary said firing away at Agent CAM, seeming to hit nothing.

"No one messes with Hostess!" Agent CAM bellowed as he invoked the power of Beat Down, slaying most of the mercenaries with his nameless whip.

"I pity the foo' that mess with Hostess," Mr.T said as he picked up a mercenary, "Consider your ass tossed, sucka!" Mr.T proceeded to toss the mercenary's ass.

"Cut!" the director bellowed, "Take five! You guys need to put more "nmuff" into it." The 'dead' mercenaries got up and helped themselves to some twinkies.

Suddenly Agent CAM noticed something horrible. "Hey, someone is tearing down the twinkie billboard!"

"What the heck?" Mr.T asked.

"I'll call the Board of Directors," said the producer, producing a PHS and calling the Board of Directors.

"What!?" The producer turned off his PHS. "They said the Jenova Witness Company bought ours, and are now turning it into a Materia-O's factory."

"So that's the company that makes those things!" Mr.T said.

"But what about the twinkies?" Agent CAM asked nervously.

"I'm sorry, but they're gone," the producer said mournfully.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Agent CAM bellowed, "I have to think of something to prevent my supply from running out. I know! I'll binge!"

Eating his entire supply of twinkies, he said, "Mmmm, twinkielicous, but now I'm out. If I only had a time machine..... "

Agent CAM's shoe phone rang. "Hello?" Agent CAM asked answering it in a Maxwell Smart fashion.

"Agent CAM," said Agent Gray Fox's voice, "I need to find two more friends to take with me to Yuffrasic Park."

"Sure, Gray," Agent CAM replied, "But I might be a little late. I have some things I need to do, I would be a pretty good asset since I have a PHD in Palentology."

"You're a palentologist?" Agent Gray wondered, stupefied.

"That's what the degree said," Agent CAM remarked. "As I said before, I've got some things to do first." Agent CAM hung up his shoe phone. "Well, T. I've got some things to do."

"Well, sucka," Mr.T stated, "I'll gather up some of my A-Team friends to get to the bottom of this."

"Ok, T."

Mr.T jumped into his 1982 Custom Van and sped away while Agent CAM catched the bus.

* * *

Agent Artemis sat calmly sipping her tea. Yes indeed, all that ingredient analization sure had paid off. She had sold the rights to her own personal recipe that accurately reproduced the heady taste of 'The Ultimate Tea' to Shera for a heavy take of the royalties.

Yes, it was a fine day.

Suddenly, a knock came at her door. Agent Artemis, with a deep, caffine induced paranoia (for among other things, The Ultimate Tea had more caffine than a can of Jolt) took up her sais and readied herself for a vicious battle. She flung open the door, only to find a small troop of Moogle Scouts selling Moogle cookies.

*Hmm...better lay off the caffine for a bit...Making me paranoid...* she thought regretfully, for at least one of the Moogle Scouts had been so scared by having a sai shoved in her face that she had run away crying.

"Um...um...um...," one of the remaining Moogle Scouts asked nervously.

"Yeah, sure...I'll take one box of Choco Crackers and one of Thin Echo Mints," Agent Artemis answered. The Moogle Scout dropped the cookies on the ground and took off running, not even waiting to get paid. Now Agent Artemis felt really bad. She felt so bad, in fact, that she slammed the door in the face of the two Jenova's Witnesses that had walked up.

Agent Artemis turned back to look out the window when she heard the muffled curses of a Witness in pain. He was rubbing his nose and his face had turned red. Recognizing them for who they were, that is, religious missionaries she wanted nothing to do with, and not those who were planning to spread vile Jenova cells across the universe, she prudently decided to pretend she wasn't home. The Jenova's Witnesses pounded on her door, shouting that they knew she was in there and that they had important information concerning her fate at the End of the World, but Agent Artemis ignored them and casually sipped her tea, trying to figure out a way to use her Reference Adder materia to summon someone cool like Darth Vader or Citan Uzuki.

After a while the Witnesses gave up and stuffed tracts into Agent Artemis' door jamb. A moment later, Shera knocked on her door. Agent Artemis got up again, sorely tempted to arm herself to the teeth, but finally resisting the caffine-jitters, and went to the door.

"I need to hire you again, Agent Artemis," Shera whispered, "I have reason to believe that a nameless enemy has decided to use our recipie for The Ultimate Tea to grow an army of evil Yuffie-clones...I need you to go to their secret hideout and steal back the tea!"

Agent Artemis nodded silently and gathered up her sais. Shera handed her a palm top computer with Anti-Infernal ISP Beast Protection with an added plug-in of Illegal Action Monster-Be-Gone, and a small bag of new materia. Agent Artemis took them gratefully and stepped past her, then walked to the outskirts of Rocket Town.

When she got there, she realized she had know way of knowing where to look for a Yuffie-cloning operation, so she whipped out her PHS and called another Agent whom she knew would have a clue...as he had made a science of Yuffie detection and elimination... No success, but she left a message for him to call back later.

* * *

"Oh, woe is me! Won't SOMEONE out there call??" asked Agent Artemis as she put her hands dramatically on her forehead.

Suddenly she jumped back as the Agent heard her PHS ringing. She slowly pressed the 'recieve call' button and placed it gently on her ear.

"Hello...?" asked Agent Artemis

"Yes, hello, can I please speak to a Ms. Artemis please?" asked the person on the other end.

"Um....well I'm Agent Artemis" stated the Agent and was wondering what this phone call was about.

"Yes, I was wondering why you scared off my little children of the night...I mean my scouts? They were only trying to sell you cookies ya know!" exclaimed the female voice who seemed like she was the troop leader.

"I...uh...well you see..." stammered Agent Artemis.

"Well, listen, I'm sure a prestegous person such as yourself would actually LIKE to apologize to my troop right?" asked the female voice.

"Well....I suppose if..." said Agent Artemis but never got to finish.

"Good! You don't need to apologize to them personally," said the female voice.

"Er....I don't?" asked Agent Artemis as she raised an eyebrow.

"Yes," said the female voice, "All you have to do really is to join the Jenova Witnessess and all will be settled."

"Wait a second," Agent Artemis said as she was starting to see through the facade, "You aren't really the troop leader of these girl scouts are you?"

"Well....no, I'm not, but please listen...!" said the female voice.

"Sorry, but have you ever thought that maybe your religion doesn't have all the answers?" said Agent Artemis in a harsh like tone of voice.

"But...but!" stammered the female voice.

Agent Artemis didn't want to hear the Jenova Witness try to convert her so instead she just closed her PHS. She then returned to eating her BBQ Chocobo Wings when the PHS rang again. She let out a sigh of frustration as she opened up her cell phone, pressd the 'recieve call' button, and put it in her ear.

"Look! Stop bothering me okay?????" shouted Agent Artemis as the top of her lungs which caused a sonic boom of sorts.

"Ow! Don't scream so loud okay?" said a familiar male voice on the other end.

"Eh? Agent Axer...?" asked Agent Artemis as she calmed down a little bit.

"Yeah, this is me," said Agent Axer on the other end, "Just wanted to see what everyone is up to. Plus I recieved your message after my aftenoon nap. I hear you have another wacky adventure in mind."

"Well," Agent Artemis began to answer, "I don't know if this would be considered a wacky adventure, but I am on a mission."

"Really? Can I PLEASE join you?? I promise I won't eat a lot and I'll behave and and...yeah and stuff," said Agent Axer as he tried to convince the other Agent if he could join.

"Of course, where are you? Maybe we can meet up at some place, ne?" asked Agent Artemis.

"I'm at Midgar right now actually..." answered Agent Axer.

"Midgar???" exclaimed Agent Artemis, "I'm in Rocket Town right now!!!"

"Really...?" asked Agent Axer and then fell in a silent contemplation.

"Yeah....so, I'll be seeing you in a few days then? After all it will take you awhile to travel from there to here, or vice-versa," stated Agent Artemis.

"Hold for 5 seconds, will ya?" Agent Axer asked a wierd sound was heard on the other end.

"Um...sure," said Agent Artemis as she looked at her watch.

"1....2....3....4....5," read Agent Artemis as she saw a gold streak approach her, then immediately stop.

Agent Artemis looked up to see a Gold Chocobo looking down at her and then let out a large wark. The Agent practically fell backwards from shock as she fumbled to get the PHS on her ear.

"What in the name of Bahamut?? There's this Gold Chocobo in front of me!!" exclaimed the Agent.

"Well you don't have to talk to me on the PHS anymore" said Agent Axer as he dismounted from the Gold Chocobo.

Agent Artemis blinked a few times in confusion and then closed her PHS as she stood up and dusted herself off.

"Cover your ears," said Agent Axer as he put on some heavy duty ear muffs,"it'll come by in 3 seconds."

"Cover my ears? Why?" asked Agent Artemis as she raised an eyebrow at the fellow Agent

"Just trust me on this one," said Agent Axer as he looked at his watch and 3 seconds had passed.

Agent Artemis was too late, however, as the sonic boom had approached Rocket Town. She instinctively covered her ears as the boom had passed her by which caused her to almost fall back on her feet. The windows of the Kentuky Fried Chocobo vibrated violently at first but then eventually shattered into millions of fragmented glass pieces. After another few seconds had passed, the sonic boom died down.

* * *

Mr.T threw open the swinging bar doors of Tifa's Seventh Heaven in search of his old A-Team buddies. Immediately Mr.T spotted a man sitting at a table by himself. This man was bald, wore a blue suit, and sunglasses eventhough the lights were already dimmed. Mr.T knew exactly who this was.

"Rude, erm, Agent 1469," Mr.T began, "What the hell is a name like that sucka!?"

Agent 1469 looked up from his beer, and signed, "Hi, Mr.T, what's up."

"Don't you start with that damn hand jibba jabber with me, foo'," Mr.T started, "Someone took out Hostess, and I pity the foo' who take out Hostess." Agent1469 nodded in agreement, since Mr.T didn't know sign-language.

"Have you seen the rest of the A-Team?" Agent1469 pointed over at Hannibal and that crazy foo' Murdock at a seperate table.

"Hey, Mr.T," Hannibal greeted, "I told you, Murdock, Mr.T would come back for us just like I planned."

"You stop claiming you plannin' all 'dis Hannibal," Mr.T bellowed, "I pity the foo' who think everything's going according to plan!"

"Right, T," Murdock replied, "This looks like a job for the Masked Murdock." Soon after, Hannibal and Murdock find themselves in a brawl with each other. Mr.T shook his head in disapproval, then something catched his eye sitting at the bar.

A woman dressed in red hunter's outfit, and a man dressed entirely in blue wearing a wide brimmed hat, cape, armor, and other clothes. None other than the legendary "8-stroke sword" hunter Alys Brangwin, and Vampire Hunter D. Mr.T looked over at his companions, and then other at the Monster Hunting duo at the bar.

Mr.T placed his hand on D and Alys' shoulder saying, "Well suckas, you guys have been enlisted into the A-Team."

"Why are you touching me?" Alys asked. D blinked. "Besides it costs 10,000 mesata to hire us for a job."

"What in Bahamut's name is a mesata!?" Mr.T bellowed, "I'm not payin' no imaginary currency."

"Well then you don't get our services," Alys informed Mr.T.

"I pity the foo' who don't join A-Team!" Mr.T replied, and then tossed D and Alys' butts into his van. Agent 1469 quickly locked the door to prevent the Hunters' escape, and Mr.T hopped into the driver's seat. A-Team then drove into the sunset.

* * *

Somewhere in Wutai, Agent Aya had slowly regained conciousness again. She coughed a little bit as she slowly stood up and stretched her aching muscles and then looked at a card with numbers on it. It said that she had gained 300000 points in her frequent flyer miles.

"Just a few more, and I can get that anti gravity boots so I won't be flying all over the place," said Agent Aya as she put the card back in her pocket.

As if on cue, the sonic boom had immidietly reached Wutai area. Unfortunately Agent Aya was unprepared to recieve the onslaught of the sound wave as it was passing by her. She immidietly grappled onto the grass as she was lifted up by the sonic boom force. The grass, however, was never grown to actually hold a full grown human being from a sonic boom. The grass was ripped off from it's roots as Agent Aya was blasted towards the Ionosphere again.

"Looks like I'm blasting off again....!" exclaimed Agent Aya as she faded off into the atmosphere.

* * *

"Geez...." Agent Artemis said as she surveyed the wreckage around her.

She saw that no serious damage was actually done to Rocket Town. Well, except for the fact that all the windows had been shattered, a few dogs were howling into the air, and thought she saw a person flying through the atmosphere. Agent Axer then removed his heavy duty ear muffs as he pointed his Pokeball and recieved back his Gold Chocobo Pokemon.

"Sorry about that, ya know how the Gold Chocobos are with their speed and all," said Agent Axer as an anime sweat drop appeared on his forehead.

"That's okay.....you only broke like every glass window in Rocket Town with that Chocobo of yours," said Agent Artemis as she continued to survey the damage around her.

"So....what's this mission of yours? And do we get to eat before we go? I'm kinda hungry," asked Agent Axer questioningly as heard his stomach growl loudly.

Agent Artemis and Axer looked in the horizon before departing, the Planet rumbled under their feet as a GMC 1982 Custom Van drove towards them.

"What the?" Agent Axer said, munching on a unblockable potatoE.

Mr.T brought his van to a stop in front of the Kentucky Fried Chocobo, and then stepped out of his van.

"What brings you here, Mr. T?" Agent Artemis asked, "I thought you were with Agent CAM."

"I don't know where that sucka is," Mr.T explained, "He isn't calling me back or answering his shoe phone."

"Have you tried paging him?" Agent Artemis suggested.

"Yeah, but that foo' still hasn't called me back," Mr.T replied.

"Uh, who is the couple tied up in the back of your van?" Agent Axer inquired.

"Alys and D," Mr.T explained, "That's part of why I'm here. First, is my van is outta gas, and Rocket Town is the only place I can get some rocket fuel for my van, and second, I needed to ask Artemis what on the Planet is a mesata."

"Isn't mesata the money from the Phantasy Star series?" Agent Artemis stated, "Why do you ask?"

"Because Alys and D won't help me until I pay them 10,000 mesata," Mr.T said.

"Oh, well, I think Benit might be able to help you with that," Agent Axer stated, "I think they called me earlier and said they were on their way to Midgar."

"Well then," Mr.T said as he filled his van's gas tank with more rocket fuel, "Call them and tell 'em I'll be there in five minutes 'cuz my van's fast foo'!" Axer nodded, and the Gold Chocobo and and the GMC 1982 Custom Van both took off.

* * *

"Aaaaaah! Get me off this thing!!!" screeched Agent Artemis as she was flailing her arms in the air.

"Relax," said Agent Axer as he gripped the mane of the gold chocobo, "Just hold on and you won't fall into the water."

Agent Artemis peeked over to the side of the Gold Chocobo. She let out another shriek of fear as she saw the ocean just a few inches below. The Agent would easily be killed if she fell off the high speeding chocobo and into the cold ocean depths below.

"Aaaah! Don't make me fall!" Agent Artemis said frantically as she crushed the waist of Agent Axer.

"Gah! Agent Artemis....you're....crushin....my spleen!!!" said Agent Axer as he felt his spleen get crushed by Agent Artemis.

"Sorry!!! Just hurry up okay??" squeeled Agent Artemis as she only let go of her grip just a little bit.

"Hey, there's the A-Team van," said Agent Axer as he pointed at a van that was speeding towards the water.

As they both intersected they both waved to each other and continued to head towards their own set course.

"Who'd ever thought a van like that could be as fast as a Gold Chocobo...." said Agent Artemis under her breath.

"I dunno...." said Agent Axer as he lashed the reigns a bit which made the chocobo run faster.

"Aaaah! Slow down, slow down!!!!" shrieked Agent Artemis as she flailed one arm in the air.

"Hey, we're already on land, so don't worry about i,t okay?" Agent Axer said as the chocobo stepped on dry land.

With that the Gold Chocobo sped off towards their destiniation, leveling some gravel from the ground as it continued to dash at the speed of sound.

* * *

"Okay, let me get this straight," said Agent Artemis as she crossed her arms, "We're in Midgar right? And the reason we're in this Bahamut forsaken city is because you want to battle with the gym leader in this place????"

"That's right," said Agent Axer as he looked at a map he got in Kentuky Fried Chocobo.

"Where IS this stupid gym anyways? And don't we have better things to do like getting that recipe back?" asked Agent Artemis with a bit of annoyance in her voice

They continued to walk through the allyways of Sector 6 as they passed by various drunkards, thieves, and beggars who littered the streets. Then Agent Axer stopped as he faced a doorway of a church building which looked like it had been abandoned and unattended for quite sometime.

"Here it is, the Midgar City Gym....and there's a sign on the door too...." said Agent Axer as he squinted to read the sign.

"Uh...Agent Axer....can we do this later?" asked Agent Artemis nervously as she tapped his shoulder.

"Not now....," said Agent Axer as he then read the sign outloud, "Gone fishin'. Be back when you get 7 badges, Hugs N' Kisses: Gym leader Aeris Gainsborough."

"Uh....I THINK you should see THIS," said Agent Artemis as she shook his shoulders harshly.

"What?!?!?!?" exclaimed Agent Axer as he turned around to see what was happening.

Agent Axer had jumped back in shock as he saw that a swarm of Moth Men were circling around them, blocking any means of escape. Agent Artemis wielded her sais while Agent Axer held a pair of katanas in his hands called 'Twin Vipers'.

"Alright," said Agent Axer as he flipped his weapons, "Time to use these new babies."

"I'll take the ones left of me, you go and get the other side," said Agent Artemis as she prepared for battle.

"Got it," said Agent Axer as he rushed the Moth Men and attacked.

Agent Axer swung his blade to one attacker then sliced the other blade into another. They both instantly turned to moths as he savagly attacked another Moth Man. The Agent swiftly dilivered a cross wise slash attack on the victim causing him to turn into a fluttering moth. Then five attackers immediately advanced towards the Agent at the same time and then lunged towards him. They all connected to their target as they began to hail punches upon him when a red aura appeared.

"Gah! Eat my new limit break you evil beast of the nether region of the underworld!" said Agent Axer as he escaped the onslaught of attacks by leaping into the air.

The Agent then landed squarely on his feet as his Twin Vipers began to blaze with bright fire. He then raised both of the weapons high in the air as he shouted the name of his new limit break.

"WILD FIRE!!!!" exclaimed Agent Axer as he swung his blades which shot out wave after wave of fire.

The Moth Men couldn't escape the attack. They all burned up like a moth around a candle light. Then they reverted back to their moth-like forms as the rest of the attackers flew away into the sky.

Agent Artemis let out an Amazonian war cry as she rushed towards the Moth Men. Some of them leaped towards her, but she jumped out of the way and kicked them both squarely in the head. Two more Moth Men were approaching, but then she stabbed her sais into them, causing the attackers to disappear in a cloud of smoke only to reappear as regular moths and fly away.

Another one was trying to intimidate Agent Artemis as he did various acrobatic moves, flips, and martial arts attacks. He then began to flip his way over to Agent Artemis who just stood there momentarily then at the right time poked him right in the eyes. The Agent then twiddled her fingers as if she were playing a piano piece as she ran around and poked everyone else in the eye, causing them to turn into moths and fly away.

"Wow, that battle was sure a good work out," commented Agent Axer as he sheathed his katanas in scabbards that were on his back.

"Hey, there's a cryptic note that was mysteriously left by one of those Moth Men," said Agent Artemis as she picked up the note.

"What does it say?" asked Agent Axer excitedly.

"Seems that...." analyzed Agent Artemis, "That this note in encrypted....we need some sort of decoder to translate it."

"You mean like a decoder ring in a Cracker Jack Box(TM)?" asked Agent Axer

"To the nearest convenient store!" said Agent Artemis as she pointed towards a certain direction.

"Um....first off, I'm usually the one who does that. It's my signature move, and second, you're pointing at a wall. The store is around that away," said Agent Axer as he jerked his thumb to a direction that was outside of Midgar.

* * *

After a long walk through the slums of Midgar, the two Agents arrived at the item store of Wall Market. Agent Axer went in and purchased a box of Cracker Jacks while Agent Artemis waited outside, giving dirty looks to all the misogynistic pigs that frequented the disreputable sector.

Agent Axer came out and fiddled with the decoder ring while Agent Artemis snatched the box of Cracker Jacks and started munching on them. "Moth Men...that's just not right. Who would sic such foul beasts on the likes of this fair Planet?" Agent Artemis wondered aloud.

"Dunno," Axer replied, "Probably the same people who are cloning Yuffie...." He started the arduous task of decoding the secret Moth Man message, and after a few moments he said, "Huh! Wow! It looks like it might be an entire conspiracy! Moth Men, Yuffie-clones, and...and even Hostess closing down!"

"They should! Twinkies are dangerous!" Agent Artemis exclaimed. "They should be registered as deadly weapons."

"The Pentagon...," Agent Axer breathed, "Is the US Government involved too?"

"Waitaminute...There is no US Government on this Planet, and no way am I using my Reference Adder materia to summon Monica Lewinski," Agent Artemis declared with a decidedly strong note of finality.

"No, wait, the Pentagon is part of the Ugly Solarians Government."

"Oh. Ugly Solarians? There's a shameless Xenogears ref here too? Maybe I can summon Citan with my materia..." Agent Artemis looked hopeful. "Or better yet, maybe we can find an Omnigear somewhere!"

Agent Axer started riffling through his Pokéballs for some reason which the other Agent couldn't fathom, as she thought the idea of finding her own personal Omnigear and summoning Citan was much more interesting. Agent Artemis muttered something under her breath about riding on a spoony Gold Chocobo just to go to a spoony Gym and how she only had twenty spoony Pokémon and didn't even have them with her. "If I promise to stop by the Fort Condor Gym, can we go to the Junon Forest and look for the Yuffie-clones?"

* * *

"Ha ha! Faster!" was all that Agent Axer said as he rode the Gold Chocobo

"Wark wark!" warked the Chocobo as it continued to increase it's speed

"Aaaah!" shouted Agent Artemis as she flailed her arms in the air, "I don't wanna go to Fort Condor anymore! Let's just find those Yuffie clones!!"

"Alright already..." said Agent Axer as he ordered the chocobo to head a new direction, "Junon Forest, here we come!"

* * *

"Heh....you guys wouldn't want any....." stammered Agent Dark as he patted his pockets to bribe someone with something, "Any....pocket lint, right?"

The Moth Men and Yuffie-clones just continued to advance at the Agent as they ferociously wielded blunt weapons of extreme pain which came from out of nowhere.

"Hey..." said Agent Axer as he squinted his eyes towards the distance, "Looks like somebody is in trouble."

"Well, should we either just turn back and find those Yuffie-clones, OR should we try to be goody goody and benevolent and try to actually save the poor guy?" asked Agent Artemis

"I think the latter will do," said Agent Axer as he sped up the chocobo which sent the ground blasting away from the force.

"You know, I don't think the forest will look good if we leave a path of destroyed vegetation," commented Agent Artemis.

The Moth Men and Yuffie-clones were just about to attack Agent Dark when they were instantly attacked by a gold streak. The Moth Men and Yuffie-clones that were hit were thrown into the air like a bunch of pins in a bowling alley and disappeared into the sky.

"Strike!" said Agent Axer happily as he stopped the gold chocobo and stepped down from it.

"Strike? Where? Is it the guy from that dancing game called Bust a Move?" asked Agent Artemis as she looked in every direction.

"Nevermind...." said Agent Axer as he approached the Agent who was in a fetal position and sucking his thumb.

"I want my fly fly mama," whimpered the curled up Agent as he continued to suck his thumb.

"Hey, it's okay now. We were able to save you from those guys," said Agent Axer as he helped the other Agent up.

"Uh....oh....thanks. Please forget that I was sucking my thumb and acting like a scared baby, okay?" asked the Agent as he dusted himself off.

"You were sucking your thumb like a what now?" said Agent Axer in a confused tone of voice.

"Hey, you all right?" asked Agent Artemis as she approached the other Agent.

"Heeey! I know you! You're Bartemis right? Or is that Martemis? I can't remember," said Agent Dark as a large question mark appeared above his head.

"Uh.....you know me?" asked Agent Artemis as she raised an eye brow questioningly.

"Yeah," said Agent Dark, "I was sent here by a mysterious man in black to find you and protect you."

"Protection? Agent Artemis? I don't think you've seen her in action, have you?" asked Agent Axer.

While the group was conversing a shadow had taken a sneak peek from behind a tree as it readied it's weapon. Its eyes glistened in the dark as it aimed at the Agents and then threw her weapon. The shuriken whizzed through the air as it sped towards a target like a bullet from a gun. Agent Dark heard the shuriken whizzing by and saw that it was heading towards Agent Artemis.

"Uh oh...here comes another slow motion effect," said Agent Axer as he was affected by the dramatic slow motion.

"AAAggggeeeeennnttt AAArrtttteeeemmmmiiiisss," said Agent Dark in slow motion as he leaped into the air, "Waaaaaatccchhhh oooooouuuutttt!!!!"

"UUUssee theeee ffoorrkks, AAAggeeenntttAAAArrrrtttteeeemmmmiiiisssss!!!!" said Agent Axer slowly as he pointed at her sais and tried to make a semi-Star Wars reference.

Agent Artemis reacted quickly as she took out her sais and put them in front of her. The shuriken was deflected by the shield that Agent Artemis was able to create from her sais. Then the weapon flew back to its owner from the shadows as it caught the weapon with ease.

"Like, how very skilled of you to block that," said a familiar female squeeky voice from the shadows.

"That voice...it could only be," said Agent Axer but wasn't able to finish the sentence.

"Yuffie!" finished Agent Artemis as the Yuffie-clone stepped from the shadows.

"Like, that's right. Hand over the Adder Reference Materia or like, I'm gonna have to bring out the can of whoop @#&(*%#."

* * *

We interupt this program to give you a special news report.

"Hi, I'm lil' Ms. Censor and I'm here to provide you with clean, wholesome, and quality entertainment. The last line that the 'Yuffie-Clone' had said was censored for your saftey and to tell you that swearing is not a good thing to do" said Ms. Censor as she continued to read some papers.

"Now, I'm sure you all want to hear some exciting offers about Jenova Witnessess..." said Ms. Censor.

"Hey! You !@#$!@#$!@" exclaimed Cid from out of nowhere.

"Excuse me, sir!" said Ms. Censor as she directed her voice at Cid who just came in, "You can't use that language in front of kids who could be watching this right now!"

"Yeah? Well ,why don't I stick the Venus Gospel in place where the sun don't shine ya! @#$! @%@# %$#@$#@^ % ^%%^%@ $#@ # @! !@*&&$^$$#% @$#!@!@# !@$@#$@#% #$ %&%^&*^% * *$^%$#%@# $^$ #^$&$#^%#@#$...." said Cid as he continued to swear which caused the woman's ears to bleed.

"Go back to the show! Go back to the show!" shrieked Ms. Censor as she gestured towards the camera to switch back to the show.

We now return to your regularly scheduled program now in progress ^_^;;;;

* * *

"Hah! Catching that Yuffie-Clone was too easy," said Agent Artemis as she patted her hands.

"Like, I won't tell you anything!!" exclaimed the clone.

"Oh really....," said Agent Axer as he rubbed his hands together as he thought of a malevolent plan, "Not even if we torture you?"

"Like, not even that" said the Yuffie-clone as it struggled to release itself from it's bonds.

"Well, how about if we keep playing Agent Neener's new song? Has a nice screeching song to it," said Agent Axer as he handed Agent Artemis and Agent Dark some heavy duty ear muffs to wear.

"No...no....nooooo!" exclaimed the Yuffie-clone.

"Yes....yes....yessssss!" said Agent Axer as he put on his ear-muffs and played one of Agent Neener's high pitched screeching song on the radio.

"Will this work??" asked Agent Dark as he put his hands tightly over the earmuffs on his ears.

"With Agent Neener's singing abilities," answered Agent Artemis,"It's a sure fire deal that we'll get the information out of this clone."

"ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI, ALL COVERED WITH CHEESE...!" the recording shrieked, causing the hapless Yuffie-clones ears to bleed. Finally, the Agents saw her break down in tears and Agent Axer switched off the boom box. Agent Artemis picked it up and put it in her Inventory, that strange sub-space all Defenders of The Planet had on their persons.

"I'll like talk! Like, yeah!" the Yuffie-clone sobbed.

Agent Dark looked over to the other agents and shouted, "WHAT DID SHE SAY?"

Agent Axer replied, "I DON'T KNOW! I CAN'T HEAR HER!"

Agent Artemis, with her extraordinarily sensitive hearing, was wiping the blood from her own ears--the ear muffs had not suceeded in blocking out Neener's glass-shattering-in-a-bad-way voice, not for her, anyway.

The bound Yuffie-clone rolled her eyes and cocked her head, "Like, take off the ear-muffs, cha."

Agent Axer and Agent Dark exchanged sheepish looks. They didn't hear what the Yuffie-clone had said, but they caught the meaning nonetheless. As one, they removed their super-deluxe-alpha-gold ear-muffs. "Ah, that's better," Agent Axer said in relief.

"So," Agent Axer said as he tried to look menacing, although it was a difficult task for one whom had just been dreadfully embarrassed by a Yuffie-clone. He shook his head and gave up. "Anyway, where did you come from? Who cloned you?"

The Yuffie-clone sniffled and said, "It was the Pentagon...and...and...*sniff*...all the failed Yuffie-clones were...were..."

Agent Artemis had recovered her hearing enough to catch where the clone was going with that. "Don't *even* go there, Yuffie-clone! I don't wanna hear it!"

Agent Dark looked confused. "Hear what?"

Agent Artemis covered Dark's mouth with a hand. "I sense a really icky Xenogears ref coming on, and I do *not* wanna hear it!" she hissed.

Agent Axer realized what the female agent meant and turned several shades of yucky pea-soup green. "Ew," he said succinctly.

"Anyway," the Yuffie-clone continuted, "the Pentagon was using Ultimate Tea to power us! (Which is like mighty tasty, by the way.)" The Yuffie-clone looked hopeful. "You guys wouldn't like have any on you, would you? It's like all we eat...."

Agent Axer ignored the Yuffie-clone's request. "How many clones are there?"

"Oh, there's like thousands, yeah, like thousands of beautiful Yuffies, all poised to like steal the world's materia, yeah!"

The Agent's exchanged horrified looks. "Thousands...?" Agent Dark breathed.

"Maybe she can't count...," Agent Artemis offered, in hopes that it was true. While she personally had nothing against Yuffie, the thought of thousands, all trying to take her precious Reference Adder materia...well, it just made her queasy, that's all. And to think, her tea was used to create this evil...!

There were thousands of Yuffie clones running around the planet. Wondering what to do next they enter a local Starbucks(TM) cafe which was located pretty much in the middle of nowhere. They sat down and ordered a few cups of java as the Yuffie-clone, which was still tied up, struggled to get free from her bindings.

"Like! You can't do this to me! I have like, constitutional rights, or something!" shrieked the Yuffie-clone as she continue to struggle within her bonds.

"Hmmm....," hummed Agent Axer as he sipped his Java and contemplated a bit, "It's good....but not as good as the Ultimate Tea."

"You said it," agreed Agent Artemis as she took a sip from her cup o' java.

"So...how are we gonna take care of all the Yuffie-clones?" asked Agent Dark as he took a drink from his cup.

"I don't know..." said Agent Axer as he looked out the window and saw a bus pass by with a familiar person in it, "I just don't know...."

* * *

"And that's how-" explained Agent Artemis as she set down her cup of Java, "-to build a perpetual motion machine."

"Wow!" said Agent Dark as he was engrossed in Agent Artemis' explanation of an impossible device.

"Yeah, if you built that baby our whole civilization could enter a different plane of exsistence," commented Agent Axer as he finished his cup of Java.

"Gah....!" exclaimed the Yuffie-clone as she jerked in her seat.

"What is it now...?" asked Agent Axer dully.

"F....f...fox..." were the only words the clone sputtered before she had a heart attack and died.

"Hey...Yuffie is dead..." announced Agent Dark as he looked at the limp body.

The Agents looked at the corpse for a moment but since everyone hated Yuffie and her escapades in the last FPS. They shrugged their shoulders to each other as they continued to have a conversation. Agent Artemis couldn't help but take a syringe out and take some blood samples from the clone. So she did as her impulses told her too and then she put the syringe in her pocket.

"I'll examine this one later..." whispered Agent Artemis to herself as she patted her pocket.

"...and that's the meaning of life," said Agent Axer as he finished his very short lecture.

"Cool! I didn't know you could explain the meaning of life in such a short period of time. How did you figure this out?" asked Agent Dark.

"A lot of thinking......and Ultimate Tea drinking," said Agent Axer as he grinned and took a sip of his java.

* * *

"Well," said Agent Dark, "not that I don't enjoy our present conversation, but nature calls."

With these words, Agent Dark got up and made the short treck to the bathroom, not before asking a nearby waiter for the check and the price for Yuffie corpse removal. Agent Dark had not entered the toilet (since this was a spoony cafe, the toilet was outside) before he heard a voice coming from nowhere.

"Had enough yet?" it asked.

"No! What are you taking about? And who are you?" asked the Agent.

A figure seem to materialize on a nearby tree branch.

"YOU!" Agent Dark nearly shouted.

"Do you realise your foolishness, Dark? You cannot fight, you can certainly not protect Artemis. You are no Agent, quit now before getting hurt." said the mysteriously cloaked man.

"Last I recall, you were the one that gave me that spoony sword, you were the one that assigned me to protect Artemis, knowing probably that she could protect herself," Dark replied "Now, give me a good weapon and let me live by my choice."

"Weapon? Our kind have no need for such thing, but if you insist..." The cloaked man threw a stelted Katana (or what appeared to be it) on the ground and vanished....

" HEY WAIT...!!!!! What were you taking about?......Our kind?...No need?" A now very confused Dark looked at the katana on the ground as if it could give him the answer he sought.

The Agents were grouped around the gold chocobo, arguing about their next move....well, all of them except Dark who was lost in his thoughts. No one asked him about his new found sword. The prospect of a sword being found in a toilet bowl was something that no one wanted to think about.

So where to?

* * *

"Aaaaah!!!!" shrieked Agent Artemis as she flailed her arms frantically in the air.

"Faster faster faster!" exclaimed Agent Axer as he continued to move the reigns of the gold chocobo.

"Wow, I wonder how fast we're going," said Agent Dark as he looked at the ground below them and saw that it was passing by them with immense speed.

The Gold Chocobo warked happily as it easily gained more speed which in turn caused Agent Artemis to scream louder and flail her arms more wildly.

"Make it stop! Make it stop!" Agent Artemis said as she swung her arms about like an insane person.

"Okay okay....we're here already" said Agent Axer as he slowed down the speeding gold chocobo.

Eventually the Gold chocobo had stopped it's dashing that was equivalent to the speed of sound and ended up beneath a large hill. Above the hill floated a very strange ship that almost looked like a giant floating chocobo. The Agents stared at the large vehicle in wonder as they stepped off the gold chocobo and proceeded towards Fort Condor.

"Okay, why are we here now?" asked Agent Artemis questioningly as she climbed the rope leading to the inside of the hollow rock.

"Because," said Agent Axer as he continued to climb the rope,"There's a Pokémon Gym up there and I'd like to win a badge so that I can enter the Pokémon league."

"Does he ALWAYS think about Pokémon?" asked Agent Dark as he climbed below Agent Axer.

".....Yes...." answered Agent Artemis after a brief pause.

"Whoa, I forgot to call Benit and tell her the A-Team is coming," Axer exclaimed, dailing up her CODEC number.

Go on to Section 2