Final Pokémon Solid
Section 2
Scene 11:
Setting: Townsquare
Time: 1:30 PM that afternoon
Once again, the massive TV in front of the electronics store turned on by itself. But the residents of Rocket Town did not see Eve’s face. Instead they saw the face of their fellow devoted Rocket Town dweller, CAM.
"Hello, kiddies," CAM said. "I guess you all think I should be a slimy toad right now, but I guess I’m not! I was wearing my White Cape at the time I ate the food spiked with Impalers. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" CAM cleared his throat. "I’d just like to say that everything the Captain said over the speakers earlier today was a lie. Yuffie is not running all of this, and there is not an impostor Captain heading Rocket Town."
"Yeah, not anymore!" the recently arrived Captain yelled.
"There is only 24 hours left to make your decision, Rocket Town. I suggest you give Eve the deeds to the illegal imported tea supply." CAM nervously flicked his eyes back and forth, and then began speaking again. "Don’t do it, Captain! It’s a trick! Eve plans to use the fact that you guys will have to pay for your own tea and take over Rocket Town when its economy fails!" He shuddered. "And then…she’ll use The Can of Whoop Ass to destroy everything. Then she’ll make what’s left of the town into an amusement park for Mitochondria and Jenova cell freaks!" Suddenly Eve appeared on the screen.
"That’s quite enough out of you, CAM," she said. She pressed a button on the Writer’s Block. CAM twitched, visibly in pain.
"Nooooooooooooo!!!!! Crappy…opera music…can’t think…can’t work on Blood of the Ancients…nooooooooooo!!!!" Eve smiled evilly, and the screen shut off.
Scene 12:
Setting: The Rocket Town Kwikkie-Mart
Time: Late that evening
The convenience store manager opened the last box of Cracker Jacks™ and began to consume them heartily. He talked to himself between mouthfuls of the sweet, yummy and oh so delicious snacks.
"I wonder whay nobody’s coming in here…maybe I should take down that ‘Go Away’ sign from the door." Suddenly the ceiling caved in, filling the room with copious amounts of asbestos. Agent 7561 grabbed the counter for balance, breathing heavily. The manager eyed him with distaste. "Hey, that asbestos stuff can cause cancer, you know. I’ll have to charge you ten times the amount of whatever you’re buying is worth." Agent 7561 shrugged and removed the piece of paper with the coded instructions from his pocket.
"I, uh, need a Cracker Jack™ box. Let’s see…that costs about a dollar a box, so ten times one, carry the one, divide by two, add the sum and multiplicative inverse of a variation…so, that comes out to about three bucks, right?"
"Sorry, bub," the manager said. "But we just sold out of Cracker Jack™ boxes a minute ago." He popped a few more sweet, yummy and oh so delicious morsels into his mouth.
"How much for the one you’re holding?" Agent 7561 asked, pointing to the box the manager was consuming.
"Oh, this?" He picked up the box and put it back down again.
"Yeah, that." The manager pursed his lips.
"Well, normally, I would charge you ten bucks. But, I’ll let it slide just this once. For you, my friend, this box will cost…100 dollars."
"100 dollars?!!! That’s an outrage! You expect me to pay 100 dollars for that piece of junk?!" Agent 7561 exclaimed, aghast. The manager shrugged.
"Well, inflation prices just went through the roof, so to speak," he said, gesturing at the massive hole in the ceiling.
"You don’t understand," Agent 7561 said. "This means life or death. The whole fate of the Planet rests on the secret decoder ring in this box." The manager grinned wolfishly.
"Oh yeah? Why didn’t you say so? Now the box is 1000 bucks."
"What?"
"Well, this isn’t just any Cracker Jack™ if the thing inside can save the world." Mumbling something that can’t be repeated under his breath, Agent 7561 took out a massive wad of cash from his pocket and gave it to the manager. He smiled greedily and stuffed it all into the empty cash register. He gave the half-empty box to Agent 7561, who grabbed it with rage. 7561 poured the sweet, yummy and oh so delicious contents on the floor, looking for the ring. To his surprise, it wasn’t there.
"Hey, where’s the ring?" Agent 7561 asked. The manager grinned and held up a small decoder ring.
"What, you mean this?" Agent 7561 nodded. "This is now worth 10000 dollars. Have to compensate for the dirty interior and all," he said, gesturing to the floor covered in sweet, yummy and oh so delicious caramel kernels. Without argument, Agent 7561 reached into his wallet and gave the man 10000 dollars. The manager, smiling for ear to ear, stuffed the money into the now full cash register. He handed the decoder ring over to Agent 7561. "Thank you, come again!" Muttering something even more obscene, 7561 stalked out of the convenience store.
The manager sat for a while longer, and still nobody came in. Suddenly an idea formed in his head. He took the ‘Go Away’ sign down from the door and began to write a new message on it. He wrote ‘We heartily welcome agents from secret organizations,’ and placed it on the door. The sign was apparently effective, because a familiar mute agent walked in just a moment later.
"Well, if it isn’t my regular customer Rude…I mean Agent 1469. What can I get you tonight?" Agent 1469 took a decoder ring out of a box and signed something to the manager. "Oh, got another intercepted CODEC message? In that case, it’s just a quarter." Agent 1469 smiled as he gave the manager twenty-five cents, then he walked out the door and disappeared into the shadows.
It took a while, but Agent 7561 finally deciphered the code Agent Aya had sent him. He looked at the message and began to read quietly.
‘Abort current mission. New assigned mission is to obtain the briefcase supposedly containing the recipe for the Ultimate Tea. If the Captain cooperates, the president Eve should get the briefcase soon enough. Be aware, though, that it isn't the recipe that is important to us, because everyone wants it It's what's under the recipe that's important. Be aware: this is treason against the president.
Signed—The Vice President.'
The message abruptly ended, leaving 7561 no clue what was important at all. He flipped the paper over and noticed some small print.
'Nutritional Information:
Serving Size: One page plus ink
Number of Servings: One
Contains less than 2% of the minimum Rocket Town R.D.A. of niacin and riboflavin.
Contains 100% of your daily fiber requirement. (Served with whole milk.)
Ingredients: Paper, process inks (cyan, magenta, black, yellow).
Secret Ingredient: Cardboard.
This paper is consumable and is a must-have treat for snacks or at dinner.'
Agent 7561 absorbed the jumble of information, then crumpled the paper into a ball and tossed it in his mouth, chewing carefully.
"Mmm, tastes like chicken." He looked at his watch. "Oh, yeah, better hurry up with the mission." He disappeared into the shadows.
Scene 13:
Setting: A mysterious warehouse
Time: 12:00 AM
Agent Gray Fox grinned to himself.
"CODEC call intercepted. Heh heh, they'll never know what him 'em." From his vantage point on the roof of the warehouse, he could see all of Rocket Town spread out before him, the people asleep, the town still. Looking through the skylights on top of the warehouse, though, he could see that one person was still awake. He tossed a rope down an open skylight and slid down noiselessly. Alternately moving and ducking behind crates, he made his way over to the other person in the building. He paused right behind the person, and stuck the barrel of the pistol in her neck.
"Alright, Agent Artemis. Let's talk tea." Agent Artemis sighed irritably.
"Hey, I don't have any tea except for this one bag of prototype Ultimate Tea. Besides, you freelancers always ruin a good Agent story. Getting in the way of both sides and all that. You really should join us sometime." Agent Gray Fox dropped the gun uncertainly.
"Join...you guys? Really?" Agent Artemis nodded. Gray Fox seemed to be seriously considering this when Agent the Captain and Agent Solid Ekans, and, suprisingly, Agent Aya, dropped from the ceiling.
"Okay, Fox," Captain shouted. "You’re surrounded. You’re holding up the operation of my Agents." Gray Fox whirled toward Artemis.
"Was that all this was? Some trick?" Agent Gray Fox pixked up the gun, shot Aya, grabbed a bag of tea from Agent Artemis and launched a grappling hook toward the ceiling, rapidly disappearing.
"Oh my God!" the Captain exclaimed. "He killed Agent Aya!"
"That bastard!" everyone else said in unison.
Agent Gray Fox climbed into the small airship on the roof, setting a course for his hidden hideout in the Silver Mountains southwest of Rocket Town. As he watched the town disappeared into the distance, he considered the proposal. Should he turn good? Would it be worth it? Before he knew it, the airship approached the mountains and automatically landed in a small cavern. He strode up a flight of stairs into a lab, filled with all sorts of technological goodies. Gray Fox removed the bag of tea from his pocket, and put it under an electron microscope. His eyes widened.
"Wow…look at the molecules in this tea just banging together at those intense speeds." Suddenly a shocking thought occurred to him. "This tea’s unstable! BAIL!" He ran out of his lab, jumped back into the airship and streaked out just as an entire mountain blew up behind him. "Whew," Gray Fox said with relief. "No more Ultimate Tea for me." He put the airship into a hovering mode, and, after a few moments of soul-searching, headed back toward Rocket Town.
Scene 14:
Setting: Eve’s Corporate HQ
Time: In the wee hours of the morning
CAM writhed in his bonds, desperately trying to get loose. Before him, Eve paced back and forth, grinning wildly.
"Well, CAM, since you…talked…we have to think of a decent punishment." CAM sweated nervously. Eve snapped her fingers suddenly. "Aha! I have it!" She picked up a weathered photo album, and flipped a few pages into it. "Here, CAM, you see, we have picture of Yuffie. Inappropriate pictures." CAM gasped.
"What? That’s cruel and unusual punishment!"
"Well, CAM, part of being a supervillain is not giving a damn." She stopped flipping the pages. "Ah. Here we go." She slowly picked up the book, and put it dead level with CAM’s eyes.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! My eyes! My eyes! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!" CAM continued screaming, and suddenly the book burst into flame. Eve raised her eyebrows.
"Hmm. That’s an interesting reaction. Very interesting. I’ll clearly have to use something more potent." She pressed a button on the room’s intercom unit. "Yuffie! Get in here!" In a matter of seconds, Yuffie Kisaragi bounded through the door.
"Yeah? What?" Eve gestured at CAM, who was feebly squirming in his chair now. Yuffie shrugged. "Oh, the treatment? Okay, President Eve!" Yuffie ran in front of CAM’s face, grinned wildly, and flashed him. CAM gasped.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo…ugh!" CAM’s scream was cut short as his head exploded from the shock and terror. Yuffie happily bounced out of the room, ignoring the violent scene. Suddenly, a combination of Materia in CAM’s belt began to glow: the "Final Attack/T" combo. There was a bright shimmering in the air, and suddenly Eve heard a voice.
"Oooh, I pity th’ foo what uses child pornography!" Eve gasped.
"No! Mr. T!" Mr. T materialized, gold chains jingling like it was Christmas.
"Dat’s right, Evesucka! I’m a toss yo’ punk ass into outer space!" Mr. T turned and tossed a Phoenix Down at CAM, reviving him, and then he turned his attention back to Eve. He picked her up, kicked open the window and tossed her into the ionosphere.
Agent 7561, seeing an opening, snuck into the room while Mr. T’s back was turned, found a familiar briefcase under the desk, and opened it. He searched under the piece of paper he found, and retrieved the mysterious object. Still unnoticed, he crept back out.
Scene 15:
Setting: The docks
Time: 3:00 AM
Agent 7561 picked up his CODEC and dialed Agent Aya’s frequency. Aya picked up after a few beeps.
"Agent Aya, this is Agent 7561. I’ve obtained the item under the Ultimate Tea recipe."
"That’s great," Aya said. "What is it?" Something occurred to Agent 7561.
"Hey, didn’t Agent Gray Fox kill you? Again?"
"…."
"Oh wait, let me guess. Instant Plot Device."
"Just add water!"
"Um, whatever," 7561 said. "Anyway, can you meet me at the docks?"
"I’m right here, Agent 7561!" 7561 turned around, and Aya stood right there. He shrugged.
"Good, because I want to show you this." He handed Agent Aya the object. It was glowing intensely. Aya shielded her eyes.
"Wow…what is it? Gold?"
"Doesn’t look like it. It’s just some kind of…thingy. It’s pretty round, though," 7561 said.
"Yes, and look at this calculated hole right in the middle," Agent Aya said. "Hey, I know what this is!"
"Really? What is it?" Agent Aya smiled.
"It’s…." Suddenly a gun went off, and Aya crumpled to the ground, dead.
"Oh my God, they killed Aya! You bastards!" 7561 picked up the disc-shaped object from Aya’s fingers, making sure it wasn’t damaged. He looked around for the assailant, but all he saw were a few fishing boats. Then, he saw Agent 1469 walk out from around the corner. 1469 stared at 7561, and 7561 stared right back. They stood for a few moments staring, then 7561 broke the silence.
"Well, if it isn’t my arch-nemesis, Agent 1469. I thought I killed you in Zanziibar."
‘Isn’t ‘Zanzibar’ only with one ‘i?’ the mute Agent said through sign language.
"Well, yeah, actually," Agent 7561 conceded. "But if I said that, it would be taking the whole idea away from Metal Gear Solid, which we’ve already done to death here." 1469 shrugged.
‘I’m afraid that I’ll have to confiscate that item in your possession,’ he signed.
"Yeah right. You wish."
‘Well, then, you leave me no choice! Let us duel!’ 1469 finished signing and snapped his fingers. Suddenly the scenery changed to a beach with a stone dragon head rising from the center. Both Agents were decked in samurai clothing.
"You have kept me waiting forever, Musashi!" Agent 1469 said, who was surprisingly not mute in this fantasy world. His lips did not go in synch with what he said.
"What the?…" Agent 7561 asked himself, also not in synch with his lips. Agent 1469 drew a katana from the sheath at his side.
"Musashi! Get ready to perish!" He leapt at 7561, sword held high. Agent 7561 reached for his own sword, only to come with…a ketchup squeeze bottle.
"Aaaaaaah!" 7561 screamed fearfully as Agent 1469 dropped toward him, and he squeezed the ketchup bottle with all his might. 1469 collapsed backwards, his face covered in thick, zesty ketchup.
"Gah! My eyes! My eyes!" Agent 7561 grinned.
"Show’s over, 1469!" He snapped his fingers, and they were back in the real world, 1469 trying to shake the ketchup out of his eyes. "Well, since I got that object, I guess my mission is complete," 7561 said.
"MISSION COMPLETE!" exclaimed Roll from MegaMan Legends. Agent 7561 blinked in surprise.
"Hey, what was that for?"
"Oh, I get paid extra for making cameo appearances in weird stories like this," Roll said. "Uh-oh! Better be quiet or they won’t pay me!" Roll fell silent and disappeared.
Agent 7561 approached the desk, the object in hand. He cleared his throat.
"Mr. Vice President Sepheratus, sir, I’ve got the object." The Vice President swiveled in his chair to face 7561, petting a Persian.
"Excellent work. Age hasn’t slowed you down one bit."
"Pardon me for asking, sir, but why do you have a Persian, and why did you just say that quote from Metal Gear Solid?"
"I try to make as many references to games and movies as I can. It makes things much more interesting.
"Um, I’m sure it does, sir," Agent 7561 said dubiously. The Vice President steepled his fingers.
"Your mission is not yet over, Agent 7561," he said.
"It’s not?"
"No. Your mission, should you choose to accept it or not, it to try and liquidate CAM, Agent Gray Fox and any other obstacles that get in the way."
"Um, is that all, sir?"
"No, you still have not gotten me that cheeseburger I requested a while ago. I got the drink, but no cheeseburger."
"Yes, sir," Agent 7561 said in a dull tone of voice. "I’ll get that cheeseburger right away."
"That’s good," the Vice President said. "If you refused, I’d be forced to show you nude pictures of Yuffie." Agent 7561 crumpled to the floor, as if in pain. The Vice President leaned forward. "What? Is your CODEC ringing again?" 7561 slowly got up, and wiped the trickle of blood coming from his ear away with a hankerchief.
"I’m sorry, sir, it’s just that when you mention that horrible and bestial word, I go into convulsions or my ears start to bleed. Sometimes both."
"What word? Yuffie?" 7561 collapsed to the floor again, convulsing violently. Blood trickled freely from both ears. The convulsions subsided after a while, and 7561 lay still, twitching every so often. The Vice President prodded him with a stick, and he slowly got up.
"Again, sir, I’m sorry, but my body gets crippled when it hears that word," 7561 said.
"I wonder what would happen if you actually ever saw her naked," the Vice President said thoughtfully. Agent 7561 shuddered.
"Sir, I don’t think there’s ever an appropriate time to discuss such a disgusting subject." The Vice President waved his hand.
"Alright, then, dismissed. I don’t want to see you again without my cheeseburger." Agent 7561 bowed, and strode out of the room. Vice President Sepheratus held the object up to the light, admiring its shine. He stroked the Persian on his lap and placed the object Agent Aya had died (again) for into his PlayStation, and hit the power button. The familiar PlayStation logo, accompanied by that cool flute sound, appeared on the screen. "Isn’t this perfect, Persian?" the Vice President asked his cat. "All three of the best games spliced onto one single CD! And it’s mine! All mine!" He laughed out loud. The Persian looked up at him oddly and went back to dreaming about Meow Mix. Suddenly, these words appeared on the screen:
Square Konami Game Freak PRESENTS:
FINAL POKéMON SOLID!
Scene 16:
Setting: A hospital
Time: Early the next morning
The plastic surgeon moved away from Agent 1469’s face.
"This is the best I can do, but I’m afraid I could not remove all of the ketchup from your face," he said.
‘The mirror,’ Agent 1469 signed weakly to the doctor.
"I’m, uh, not sure that’s really wise right now, sir."
‘THE MIRROR!’ he signed more emphatically. The doctor grimaced and handed Agent 1469 a small hand mirror. Agent 1469 gazed at his reflection quietly, but then he began to laugh. Since he was mute, the laugh sounded more like a hoarse donkey braying, and only succeeded in scaring the doctor, who backed against the wall. Agent 1469, still laughing, smashed the mirror against the side table next to the operating table. The doctor tugged at his shirt collar nervously.
"Well, you know, it’s not, uh, that bad. Why…some could mistake you for, a, um, bipedal Red XIII without so much fur…."
Scene 17:
Setting: A mysterious hideout
Time: Late evening (boy, time flies)
"Spoony it all," Agent Solid Ekans said. "Why won’t this CODEC work?" He looked around him. "Oh wait, I’ll bet the ‘Writer’s Block’ serves as some sort of jamming device. And I’ll bet I could unjam it in that conveniently placed communications tower over yonder." As he started up the suspiciously narrow path to the communications tower, he saw a small, fast object dart toward a red dot on the center of his shirt. He jumped out of the way at the last second as the object hit the ground behind him and zinged back toward the tower. "What the magikarp…a laser-guided sniper Conformer? What kind of twisted plot contrivance is that?" Lacking any weapons of suitable range to take out the laser-guided weapon, he took a jumble of spawned "All" Materia from his pocket. He tossed them into the air, distracting the laser-sighting long enough for him to dash toward the tower’s door. Unfortunately, a security camera caught sight of him and sounded an alarm. He turned around to run, and almost ran smack into Yuffie, Biggs and Wedge.
"Like, it’s a lot easier to totally hit someone when you’re, like, closer n’ stuff," Yuffie said.
"Look," Solid Ekans said. "If you say anything about me being your special target, I’ll pull the pin on the grenade in my Inventory and just stand here ‘til we all die."
"Hah!" Wedge said. "Death doesn’t scare me!" Yuffie slapped him on the back of the head.
"Like, club him with the gun already!"
Deep in Yuffie’s lair, Solid Ekans lay strapped to a chair, knocked out. Above him stood Yuffie and her two subordinates: Vulcan Gorky and Liquid Shake.
"You better get it right this time, Gorky," Liquid Shake said. "I don’t want any more accidents like Aya, Biggs, Kenny, that ‘I like shorts’ kid from Secret of Evermore…."
"Like, shut up already!" Yuffie said.
"Hey, do I get a tank?" Vulcan Gorky asked.
"Naw," said Shake. "This isn’t an actual Metal Gear Solid rip-off, it’s just so the author can make a pun off our names."
"Oh," Gorky said, disappointed. "Anyway, I think he’s waking up." Solid Ekans groaned, and his eyes slowly opened. Yuffie grinned.
"Like, hi, Solid Ekans. We’re going to, like, play a little game so we can see how much of a man you really are." She held up a CD. "Like, this is our latest high-voltage Wu-Tai Clan CD, ‘Wu-Tai Forever.’ I’m going to, like, run it on this stereo full blast, and you just sit there. There are, like, no continues."
"Oh carp."
"Like, press the circle button repeatedly to try to plug your ears, or hit Select to submit. But if you do, I’ll…I’ll…I’ll…."
"You’ll what?" Ekans asked.
"Like, I’ll get back to you on that." She looked at her watch. "Oh, like, President Eve wanted me to, like, fight all those Agents tomorrow morning! See ya!" Yuffie bounced out of the room.
Scene 18:
Setting: Somewhere outside Rocket Town
Time: Noon the next day
The truck bounced along the dirt road toward Rocket Town.
"I’m really glad you decided to join our side, Agent Gray Fox," Agent Artemis said, driving.
"Eh. I don’t think I’m getting paid enough for this," Gray Fox said.
"You’re not getting paid," Artemis said.
"Exactly." Suddenly Agent Artemis was forced to slam on the brakes as a 1982 GMC Custom Van sped past them on the road in front of them.
"Who on the Planet would drive a 1982 GMC Custom Van?" Agent Gray Fox asked. Suddenly the CB radio in the truck crackled.
‘Begin transmission.
End transmission.’
"Hey, we just saw that car…," Agent Artemis noted.
The 1982 GMC Custom Van rolled along the dirt road at an alarmingly fast speed, throwing up a massive cloud of dust.
"Pi pi pika pika!" Agent Pikachu said
‘What the hell?’ signed Agent 1469.
"Pi pi pika pika!" Pikachu repeated.
"I think it wants pita bread," CAM said. "It keeps saying ‘pita pita.’"
"Whatever, foo’!" Agent T replied. "Jus’ make sure that Pikafoo’ don’t make a mess in my van! I pity th’ foo’ what make a mess in my van!"
The van sped by a ramshackle house on the dirt road. The owner squinted after the van.
"Hey, it’s CAM!" Joe-Bob-Billy Baker XXXVI, the owner, yelled. Joe-Bob-Billy’s mother or sister or however she’s related came out of the house and saw CAM being driven away by Mr. T.
"Look! Some weird dude wit’ colored skin’s stealin’ CAM! Git ‘im, Joe-Bob-Billy Baker XXXVI!" yelled the incest mother or sister or whatever.
"I’ll just take my pickup and drive off this ramp and land on top of the truck wit’ dat weird colored person, just like dem Dukes of Hazzard. They’s my heros." Joe-Bob-Billy climbed into his rusty pickup truck and drove off the ramp. He landed about 100 meters from the 1982 GMC Custom Van and the pickup exploded.
"Damn, they is helluva stupid," Agent T said as he drove off.
The van screeched through the countryside, but came to a sudden halt when Agent T spotted a thin spire of smoke in the distance. Suddenly a charred Solid Ekans landed on the ground in front of them with an ‘Oooof!’
‘This is where we rumble,’ Agent 1469 signed. Suddenly, Agent Gray Fox and Agent Artemis appeared, weapons ready.
"Nobody move!" Gray Fox shouted. CAM and the others drew their weapons. The opposing teams faced each other. No movements were made. No words were uttered. No sounds were heard. Until a low woosh was heard in the distance, and got progressively louder.
"To protect the world from decaffeination," a feminine voice called from above. Solid Ekans slowly raised his head, and saw a hot air balloon drifting towards the ground.
"To unite all pilots within our nation," a male voice growled.
"To denounce the evil of Nintendo’s glove," the female voice said.
"To launch Shinra-26 to the stars above," the male voice finished.
"Shera."
"Cid."
"Team Rocket Town blast off at the speed of light!" Shera said.
"Sit your ass down and drink your goddamn tea!" The balloon settled on the ground, and Cait Sith rolled out of the basket.
"Meow! That’s right!" Stunned, everybody watched the spectacle unfold, their mouths hanging open.
"Cid!" Shera said unhappily. "You ruined the last part!"
"Shut your cake hole!" the pilot growled. Cid, Shera and Agent Sith all held up their weapons: Venus Gospel, shotgun and OmniKazoo, respectively.
"Like, you’re totally outnumbered!" a whiny voice yelled. "So, like, surrender to Revolver Kisaragi!" The entire group turned, and saw a massive group compsed of ninjas, dead people, mutants, MGS ripoffs and Konami lawyers bearing down on them, led by Yuffie. Agent Artemis swallowed.
"Looks like this is…the end."
"Not bloody likely!" somebody yelled. The assembled Agent turned again, and saw the barrel of the Junon Cannon pointed toward Yuffie’s army. And standing below the barrel were Agent the Captain and the Junj Brigade!
"You’ve taken my town," Agent the Captain said menacingly. "And I want it back." Agent Gray Fox went over to CAM’s A-Team.
"Hey, CAM, since we’re all fighting Yuffie, why don’t we work as a team?" CAM nodded.
"Yeah, okay!" Agent Gray Fox turned toward the Captain.
"Hey, Captain! Me and CAM’s team are on your side now!"
"Okay!" yelled the Captain. "We need all the help we can get!"
Agent 7561 watched the unfolding events through his binoculars from a hill off in the distance. He popped a few Cracker Jacks™ into his mouth.
"This looks like it’s gonna be quite a show," he said to himself. "I wonder who’ll win." He panned the binoculars a bit and saw Agent the Captain and the Junj Brigade standing beneath the Junon Cannon. He put them down and began to toss a Pokéball around in his hands.
"I wonder if I should go down there and help the Captain and them. It could give me a chance to get Agent Gray Fox and CAM, and I could use my super secret Pokémon…." He tossed the ball around for a few more seconds, and then a thought occurred to him. "Hey, who wouldn’t like to join a good ol’ fashioned brawl?" Agent 7561 charged down the hill, Pokéball in hand. Flipping his red hat backwards, he tossed the Pokéball into the air. "Pikachu-chu, go!"
"Pikachu-chu!" the Pokémon exclaimed. It was a strange combination of a normal Pikachu and Chu-Chu from Xenogears. The Pokémon walked along with 7561, ready to attack at command. Agent 7561 saw, among a mass of ninjas, dead people and Konami lawyers, a hideously grotesque Pokémon, seemingly in the lead of the assault. He pulled Dexter the Pokédex from his pocket and aimed it at the beast.
"Yuck, what is that? Dexter, identify!" The Pokédex beeped.
"Identifying…Yuffie Kisaragi, also known as Revolver Kisaragi. Snot goblin, whiny brat, and a general mistake from God. An extremely ugly Pokémon with the odd ability to blow one’s head off if seen in the nude. It is also said that she is an endangered species and should be exterminated immediately to make the world a better place."
"U-gly. I’m not trying to catch it," 7561 said. He turned to the Pokémon at his side. "Alright, Pikachu-chu! Time to do your stuff!" The Pokémon grinned in a Pokémon-esque way as electricity began to crackle around its cheeks.
"It would appear that we’re surrounded," CAM said.
"No @#%&, foo'!" Mr. T said.
"Pika pika?" Agent Pikachu asked. There was a general shrug. Agent 1469 looked out into the soon-to-be battlefield.
‘They appear to have a Pikachu impostor,' he signed, pointing to Agent 7561 with Pikachu-chu at his side.
Pikachu-chu suddenly jumped into the air and turned a somersault.
"PikaCHU-CHU!" Lightning flew from the small Pokémon and launched toward Yuffie's army. Yuffie jumped out of the way, being the slippery brat that she is, but almost a quarter of her army either was struck down or ran away in fear. Agent 7561
laughed maniacally.
"Mwahahahaha! Take that, snot goblin!"
Agent Pikachu watched Pikachu-chu with eyes narrowed. Rubbing his little hands together, he strode up to the freak Pokémon.
"Pika pika chu! [Hey, mother^&(#*%, you think you can be like me?]," Pikachu said angrily.
"Pikachu-chu![Hey, you want some of this?]," Pikachu-chu retaliated.
"Chuuuuuuu pikachu![Damn straight, @#$%&.]" Agent Pikachu withdrew a stolen Can of Whoop Ass. He chugged the contents, and tossed the can down on the ground. Lightning crackled around his cheeks, and it opened upon Pikachu-chu a can of whoop ass in the form of a giant lightning storm. Pikachu-chu collapsed, burned all over.
"PikaCHU![Take that, @$%^&.]" Agent Artemis raised her eyebrows.
"For a creature that makes such cute noises, Pikachu sure is foul-mouthed." Agent Gray Fox shrugged.
"…Whatever. Now where were we?" he asked.
"Hey!" Solid Ekans shouted. "That's my Pikachu, CAM!" CAM noticed that if he said the right thing, it would give him and ROCKSLIDE a chance to escape unscathed. But what should he say? Suddenly a light bulb appeared over CAM's head.
"Let's kick Yuffie's ass!" There was a general shout of agreement, and another idea popped into CAM's head.
Did I mean to say that?
Regardless, the Agents charged into Yuffie's army, weapons beating them down. CAM took out his trusty bullwhip, and 4 ninjas rushed him. He activated the T Materia set in the whip, but was interrupted as someone tapped him on the shoulder.
"I'm right beside of you, foo'!" Mr. T said. He proceeded to toss the ninjas' asses, then he proceeded farther into the army, killing with his bare hands. Another ninja came
up behind CAM.
"You're nothing without Mr. T," he said. CAM, with a quick snap of his wrist, coiled the whip around the ninja's katana and pulled it away from him. He drove the stolen weapon into the ninja and grinned wildly.
"This sword is sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet."
Elsewhere, two Konami lawyers ran at Agent 1469, but were quickly dispatched by the Vulcan Death Nipple Twist. With the combined firepower of the Junon Cannon, the Junj Brigade and all of the Agents, Yuffie's forces were soon reduced to one person: Yuffie herself. Agent the Captain strode up to the whiny ninja. She fell to her knees in front of him.
"Please, Captain, don't kill me! I'll be good! I swear I'll never do it again!" The Captain took a deep breath.
"Let me think about that..." Suddenly the Junon Cannon fired. "Nope." The blast hit Yuffie, leaving only a smoking crater and a pair of sneakers. The assembled Agents cheered.
"You have not won yet," a voice said. Everybody turned. Eve floated there, flanked by two others, her subordinates the Pimpinator and Billy Lee: Man of Action.
"Time's up, Captain." Eve withdrew the Writer's Block from her pocket and pressed the button. Everyone collapsed writhing to the ground, unable to work on fanfics due to crappy opera music. Until one voice spoke from the crowd.
"BS 3!" Agent Artemis held up the BS Materia, and suddenly the Writer's Block exploded in Eve's hand.
"Damn," Eve said, startled. "That's a helluva lot of BS." She looked around. "I shall now leave Turk style, with my lackeys the Pimpinator, Billy Lee: Man of Action
and my newest creation, Mitochondriachu."
"There's no such thing as Mitochondriachu," the Captain pointed out.
"Pika pika?" Pikachu asked. Suddenly, the little yellow Pokémon transformed into a hulking, 10 foot tall Mitochondriachu. "Mito mito," it said, as Eve flew away laughing.
Agent 7561 stood over the charred Pikachu-chu, and removed a Super Potion from his Inventory. He forced it down the Pokémon's throat. Pikachu-chu sat up wearily.
"Pikachu-chu, are you alright? How do you feel?" 7561 asked.
"Pikachu...? Chu-chuuuuu.[How the hell do you think I feel? I feel like I got
run over by a semi!]," she said. Agent 7561 turned to the massive new Pokémon and aimed Dexter the Pokédex at it.
"Analyzing…analysis complete," Dexter said. "Mitochondriachu, a new breed of Pokémon powered by its mitochondria. It can not only produce electrical shocks, but also manipulate gallons and gallons of ooze for its own malevolent purposes. Approach with extreme caution." Without even being commanded by 7561, Pikachu-chu approached Mitochondriachu, and began to yell at him in the Pokémon language.
"Pipikachu-chu! Pikachu pikapichu? Pi pika chuu![You jerk! What the hell was that for? I was on your side!]"
"Mito mitochondria! Mito mito mi![Aw, shaddup. Your mom's so old her Social Security number is one!]," Mitochondriachu boomed.
"What're you waitin' for, Pikafoo'?" Mr. T yelled. "Blow the damn thing's head off already!"
"Hey, you spoony Mitochondriachu!" Agent the Captain yelled. The beast turned its head toward him. "Take this!" The Captain fired the Junon Cannon at Mitochondriachu. A great cloud of dust and smoke rose as the blast connected. Blinded, the Agents confusedly ran around in a general circle. Then, the smoke cleared. All that remained of the once gigantic beast was a crater with a few smoking body parts in it. The Agent cheered.
‘Yeah! We did it!' Agent 1469 signed. In the midst of celebrating, Agent Gray Fox noticed Biggs and Wedge clutching their stomachs as if in pain.
"Hey, you two guys okay?" he asked. Wedge groaned.
"My stomach...my body! It's getting all hot!" Wedge suddenly melted into a
puddle of goo.
"Oh man! We can't die again!" Biggs cried as he also melted. As a uniform movement, all the extras and non-important characters melted and began to ooze toward the remains of Mitochondriachu.
"Oh my God! They killed Biggs and Wedge! You bastard!" Agent the Captain shouted at the goo. Said goo completed its journey and oozed over Mitochondriachu.
"Wh-what's happening?" CAM asked. Suddenly, to goo assembled itself into a huge form of Mitochondriachu. The monster Pokémon was now as tall as a Gear from Xenogears.
"Mitochondriachu!!![OW!!!]," the giant beast exclaimed. Cait Sith laughed nervously.
"Hey, um, guys, they're flocking this way-I mean, it's coming over here!" He began to run away from the Junon Cannon, but was too late. Mitochondriachu scooped up the members of Team Rocket Town and tossed them into the ionosphere.
"Looks like Team Rocket Town is blasting off again!" they yelled before they disappeared over the horizon. Agent the Captain, who had escaped being thrown, shook his fist.
"Spoony mutated Pokémon!"
"Mito mito mi mito! Mito mitochondriachu![Bwahahahahahaha! What a joke!]" the giant Pokémon said.
"Pi pikachu pi! Pika pikachu-chu? Pi pikachu pi pika pika pika chuuuu![Hey, lardy! You think you can beat my friends up? Well, pick on someone your own size!]"
Pikachu-chu exclaimed as she removed a Can of Whoop Ass.
"Pikachu-chu, what're you doing?" Agent 7561 asked. Pikachu-chu took the can and chugged its contents greedily. She began to grow, and soon she was as tall as Mitochondriachu. Tiny sparks began to form around her cheeks.
"Pika...," Pikachu-chu growled.
"Mito...," Mitochondriachu growled back.
"Pika…!"
"Mito…!"
"Pikachu-chu!" Agent 7561 exclaimed. "Thundershock, now!"
"Pikachu-CHU!" A large lightning bolt came from Pikachu-chu's cheeks and slammed into Mitochondriachu. It had no effect whatsoever.
"Aah!" Agent 7561 cried in shock.
"Pika!" Pikachu-chu cried, also in shock. Eve suddenly floated back into the fray.
"Ha! You think that will hurt my new Mitochondriachu?"
"President Eve! I…," Agent 7561 stammered.
"Hmmph," Eve said. "I've had enough of your betrayal. You are hereby ejected from the Eve Corporation." 7561's eyes began to well up with tears.
"B-b-but...I'll get you, you anorexic freak of nature!" he yelled. Eve gasped.
"How dare you? Get `im, Mitochondriachu!" Mitochondriachu took a step toward Agent 7561, but was blocked by Pikachu-chu. Mitochondriachu glared at her.
"Mitochondriachu, combustion attack now!" Eve yelled.
"MitochondriaCHU!" The mutant Pokémon began to concentrate, and released its attack, an attempt to internally combust Pikachu-chu. It had no effect.
"What is this?" Eve asked. Agent 7561 laughed.
"Sorry to burst your bubble, Eve, but Pikachu-chu here has mitochondriac cells implanted that make it immune to your Pokémon's attack. Now, Pikachu-chu, show ‘em what you got! PikaLiberation!"
"Pika...," Pikachu-chu said as it began to concentrate its mitochondria for its transformation into PikaLiberation. "PIKACHU-CHU!!!!" There was a blinding flash of light, Pikachu-chu transformed into PikaLiberation. The furry Pokémon now had glowing neon-lit wings. Wasting no time, she removed a thousand Cans of Whoop Ass out of nowhere and tossed them at Mitochondriachu. Each can exploded violently, and soon Mitochondriachu collapsed to the ground, stars floating in a circle around its head.
"Oh no!" Eve exclaimed. "Mitochondriachu, return!" She pointed her Pokéball at Mitochondriachu, and the fainted Pokémon returned. Eve glared. "You may have won this round, Agent 7561, but next time we meet I'll have you and your pretty little Pokémon killed!" Eve flew off into the distance, disappearing. Pikachu-chu returned to her normal size and hopped on Agent 7561's shoulders. Agent 7561 tipped his hat.
"Hey, CAM," he said. "I guess now that I'm out of the corporation, I should say I was only doing my job trying to kill you."
"What're you going to do now?" CAM asked.
"I'm gonna go to Disneyland! Hey, now that I'm a good guy, I don't need numbers anymore! Call me Agent Axer!" Agent Axer did a goofy pose. Agent Gray Fox laughed.
"Heh heh. Agent Axer of the Ginyu Tokusentai."
"What?" Agent Artemis asked.
"Nothing." Agent the Captain approached CAM.
"CAM," he said. "For your help in this battle, you have been bestowed the title of Agent CAM, and you and your friends may join us without us trying to kill you anymore." CAM blinked in surprise.
"Agent CAM? Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet." There was some more cheering as another Agent was added to the ranks. Solid Ekans sighed.
"My poor Pikachu...transformed into the horrible monster. But I will get him
back." Suddenly, an evil voice began speaking from the sky.
"Sorry to break up your happy ending and all, but this story includes a plot twist you all won't like." All of the Agents looked toward the sky, and saw a UFO with the word 'Capoeira' engraved on the side. There was some strange, funky music coming from inside. Agent Axer gasped.
"Oh no! It's Capoeira from Bust a Groove, the dance action and rhythm game!"
"Hi everyone," a bubbly girlish voice said from the UFO. "I'm Leader Force's fashionable leader Topo! Welcome to my rave party!"
"Who's the real leader anyway?" Gray Fox asked.
"Huh?! Who cares about that?" Topo asked. Agent Gray Fox suddenly held a sword in his hand.
"You're right, who cares about that? Let's duel-ow! Captain, you don't have to hit me!" A broad beam of light shot from the bottom of the UFO and slowly drew the Agents inside.
"The rules are actually quite simple," Topo said as they neared the entrance. "Dance. OR DIE."
"Why are you doing this, Topo?" Agent Axer asked.
"Hmmph. Don't ask me. These Capoeira guys asked me to, like, be their universal translator and stuff." There were a few mumbles of alien language from the loudspeakers inside the ship, and the Agents, now inside, saw Topo listening carefully. Her eyes widened suddenly. "What? Ew! I'd never do that with you! If you don't stop harassing me, I'll call in Mulder and Scully to cap your alien butt!" Topo squealed. The Agents faced Topo with one objective in mind: Dance. Or DIE.
Scene 19:
Setting: A UFO of unspeakable evil
Time: 1:00 PM
Agent Benit, who was still, by some cruel twist of fate, on the grassy knoll, saw the UFO rise above Rocket Town.
"Oh gawd! That spacefreak commands people to dance or die? Yikes!" Agent Benit began jumping up and down. "WhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdo?" She suddenly remembered the coin trick she had activated on the false Shera, and she switched on the listening devices in the pockets of the Agents. She heard them dancing and breathing
heavily, and strange random patterns of four notes. "I wonder what's going on in there…."
Topo pressed a button, and suddenly the soundtrack of Saturday Night Fever began to play. Agent Gray Fox crumpled to the ground as the demonic ‘music' played.
"Stayin' alive, stayin' alive, oh oh oh oh.…"
"No...make the hurting...stop...," Gray Fox pleaded.
"Ha!" Topo said. "You call that dancing? Now you DIE!" She activated the fans below the stage and Gray Fox was blown into the field of electricity in the back of the room. He bounced back and was launched through the massive screen behind Topo disappearing into the bowels of the ship.
"Hey, he, like, destroyed my screen! Oh well. Now the rest of you, DANCE!"
Some time later, in a small, dark room, Agent Gray Fox came to. He covered his ears.
"Ugh…the music is even louder here...the pain...is...crippling...." He raised his head and noticed a CD player connected to the ship's loudspeakers. "Hey, wait a sec...that CD player is playing Saturday Night Fever. I'm in the music nexus." A slow smile appeared on Gray Fox's face, and he removed a CD from his pocket..
In the dance room, the disco suddenly cut off sharply.
"Hey," Agent the Captain said. "It stopped." And then a new song began playing over the speakers.
`’You jump in front of my car when ya, you know all the time!
that, uh, ninety miles per hour, girl, is the speed I drive!
You tell me it's all right, ha, you don't mind a little pain...
You say you just want me ta take you for a drive!
You're just like crosstown
(traffic)
So hard to get through to you
Crosstown
(traffic)
I don't need to run over you
Crosstown
(traffic)
What you do is slow me down...
And I'm tryin' to get on the other side of town...’
"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
Topo screamed. The Agents watched passively as the mouse-girl's head exploded.
"Must be a result of music that she can't comprehend," Agent Artemis said sagely. Agent Gray Fox came through the doorway just as the CD switched to
‘Voodoo Chile.’ He did the peace sign with his fingers.
"Thank you, thank you! No autographs, please, they'd be worth too much." Agent Axer cleared his throat.
"Um, in case I'm the only one that's noticed, this UFO is out of control…."
Scene 20:
Setting: A UFO of unspeakable evil that also happens to be out of control
Time: 1:15 PM
Agent CAM stood in front of the crowd of suddenly screaming Agents and raised his arms for attention.
"Don't worry!" he yelled. "I can fly anything!" He jumped in front of the UFO's computer and began smashing buttons. The computer beeped.
"Setting course for the Planet," it said. There was much cheering, and for dramatic effect, CAM smashed his fist down on the control panel. The computer beeped again. "Accelerating. Setting course for Rocket Town." The engines hummed, and the UFO sped up rapidly, throwing the Agents into the opposite wall.
"We're gonna crash into Rocket Town!" Agent Artemis cried.
‘Oh pooey,’ Agent 1469 signed.
"I thought you said you could fly anything!" Agent the Captain yelled at CAM.
"Eh heh…," Agent CAM said nervously. "I seem to have confused myself with Cid. I can't fly anything."
"Sucka!" Mr. T said as he accidentally slammed his head against the wall.
"We're in worse shape than before…," Agent Axer mused.
"I hate dis' flyin', foo's!" Mr. T shouted. "One a you suckas bettah know how to fly dis' thing!"
"Hey," Agent Solid Ekans said, "since I'm no longer being tested to see if I'm a man, why don't we look at the instructions?" Agent Artemis nodded and went over to the control panel.
"Let's see...heat-seeking weaponry...hyperdrive...ah! Here it is! Help menu!"
She pressed the button. As the ship continued on its collision course, the screen on the panel changed to the UFO tutorial program.
"Welcome to the training tat is flight! Are is I, Proffesor Daravon!" The Agents all groaned in unison. "Thrusters being used are fuel that is consumed during battle!
Select the Guidance command which bundles up Action ability in the UFO's sub-command! Next what learn need you to is…."
"I think we were better off with me pushing random buttons," Agent CAM said.
"That's it!" Mr. T yelled. "I pity th' foo' who makes me crash into Rocket Town! You're deadmeat, UFOsucka!" With that, Mr. T tore most of the control panel out of its socket and tossed it into deep space. Just as it entered orbit, the screen activated once
more and Daravon's face appeared on it.
"Throwing by Mr. T is throwing tat is spoonyva far!" Then a message appeared on the monitor of an adjacent control panel.
‘THE BOMB IS SET. GET OUT FAST.’
"Hey, guys," Solid Ekans said. "Good news is that, at this rate, the UFO should explode before it hits Rocket Town. On the other hand…."
"On the other I told you this UFO was gonna be deadmeat, foo'!" Mr. T said. Agent Axer surveyed the chaos.
"Hey, guys!" he yelled. "I guess you didn't realize my specialty for weird and ‘exotic’ Pokémon!" He removed a Pokéball from his belt, flipped his cap backwards and tossed it into the air. "Go Magikarp!" The fish Pokémon popped out of the ball and aimlessly flopped around on the floor.
"A Magikarp?" Agent Gray Fox asked. "What do you intend to do with that useless Pokémon?" Agent Axer picked up the Magikarp and raised it over his head.
"THIS!" He slammed the innocent fish into the control panel, which made a strange squishing sound as an orange juice-like fluid began to squirt out of it, drenching the floor. Agent Axer hit the control panel again. A light flashed on, and a speaker began speaking a random mix of languages before it switched to one they could all understand.
"Bomb deactivated. Eden systems ready, self-destruct sequence has been initialized and cannot be aborted. Each compartment of this ship will be destroyed in sequence. Since this is the sole compartment of the ship, it will explode in 100 seconds...and counting. Thank you for flying with us, and have a nice day!" The
speakers switched to a soothing elevator rendition of Are You Gonna Go My Way, and the Agents all turned to face Agent Axer.
"You fool!" Agent CAM screamed at him. "That didn't work! We're all gonna die thanks to you!"
"Hold on, I still have one more trick up my sleeve," Axer said. He took the bruised Magikarp and shoved it within the control panel. It beeped, and the speakers boomed over the ship again.
"Self-destruct sequence deactivated. Heading for new coordinates 12-9, calculating predestination...confirmed. New course bearing 12-9 located within ocean." Agent Axer swallowed nervously.
"Eh heh...um...maybe you guys should put down those blunt instruments and
stop moving toward me...okay? Eh...I think you guys are getting to close to me with those things...uh.." Suddenly everyone lost balance and fell to the floor as the UFO slammed into the ocean.
Go on to Section 3