Rocket Town: the Shinra 26 Productions Presents:

Final Pokémon Solid

By Agent CAM, Agent Benit, Agent Axer, Agent Artemis, Agent Castor, Agent the Captain, Agent Gray Fox, Agent Solid Ekans, Agent Neneer, Agent Blues-007 and Agent Musika.

Novelized by Agent Gray Fox

Novelizer’s Notes: Hoo boy! This is the big one. The product of the majority of Shera’s Kitchen Message Board dwellers getting really smashed at the Shanghai Inn one night and instead of waiting for that guy to come out the bathroom, they wrote a story…and here’s the result. We’ve brought FF7, Pokemon, Parasite Eve, Metal Gear Solid, Xenogears, Glover, FF6, Mario, Brave Fencer Musashi, Final Fantasy Tactics and probably some others (I’ve forgotten ever since the Saturday Night Fever incident) into the mix. It’s stupid, it’s zany, it’s crack-brained, it should be funny. (If it is not, you have what is known as Mad Human Disease, and should seek counseling right away.)

P.S. This was composed entirely on Shera’s Kitchen, thus, there are some inside jokes dealing with the personality of its members. But most of the humor does deal with various references, so if you’ve been playing lots and lots of games, you should understand it.

P.P.S. With profuse apologies to Fritz Fraundorf.

Part 1:

Setting: Rocket Town

Time: Now

There was the usual bustle of activity at Shera’s Kitchen Restaurant in Rocket Town. It was lunchtime. CAM stood in line at the counter, waiting to place an order. After waiting awhile, CAM found himself in front of Shera, the cook.

"Hi, CAM!" Shera said. "What’ll it be today?" CAM looked at Shera strangely.

"Um…some tea…I guess. Twinkie flavor," he said. Shera disappeared into the back of the kitchen, and soon she had come back with a cup of steaming tea.

"Here you go, CAM. Twinkie flavor." CAM looked at her strangely again. Abruptly, he took his tea and set it on a table. CAM walked into the center of the restaurant, where everyone at the tables could see him. He removed a small cardboard box that read "Lever 2000. For all of your 2000 body parts" and stood on it, raising his hands.

"Hey everyone! I have announcement to make!" Nobody paid any attention to him. CAM looked around angrily. "HEY!!!!" A few heads turned. "Good! Now hear me out! That’s not Shera, it’s an impostor!" The kitchen echoed with gasps. CAM continued. "Yes! It’s Aya! Aya Brea from Parasite Eve! She just dyed her hair brown, and put on some glasses and a lab coat!"

Nobody said anything for a while, then a man stood up.

"My name is 7561--," he began.

"7561? Couldn’t you have come up with a more original name than some random number?," CAM asked.

"That’s my business. But you are wrong, my caffeine-addicted friend. That is not Aya with dyed hair and wearing glasses and a lab coat, nope, definitely not Aya. Same Shera that’s always been here," 7561 said satisfiedly. He sat down. When 7561 was sure CAM wasn’t looking, he took a small walkie-talkie from his pocket. "This is 7561…yes, CAM knows too much…yes, I agree. He must be liquidated immediately. Oh yeah, blue monkeys and purple bananas. Over and under, inside out." 7561 returned the walkie-talkie to his pocket. CAM whirled toward 7561 and pointed his finger at him.

"Didn’t your mother ever tell you it’s impolite to point fingers?" Princess Artemis asked.

"You! You said you were going to ‘liquidate’ me! That is so mean! You wouldn’t use the blowtorch of holiness or the enchanted chainsaw of wrath, would you? Erm, there’s that paranoia acting up. I know that nobody here would try to kill me…right?"

"I said nothing," said 7561. "It’s the tea. I wouldn’t hurt a fly." A fly flew onto the table in front of 7561. He smashed it with some newspaper.

"I wouldn’t hurt you. It was just spectulation, right guys?" Benit asked.

There was a general murmur of agreement in the Kitchen.

"But this is so odd! I wonder if the Captain knows anything," CAM said.

"Try the tea! That’ll tell you who’s who!" Castor Troy said. CAM nodded. He picked up his Twinkie-flavored tea and took a big gulp…and promptly spit it out, making a big mess on the clean tile floor.

"This tea is awful! That is Aya, and if you guys won’t believe me, I’ll just leave!" CAM stalked out of the Kitchen and slammed the door behind him, walking into the bright sun of Rocket Town.

Princess Artemis watched him go, then turned to Benit.

"He found out. Aya is pretending to be Shera. Benit," she said. "Go up to the grassy knoll. You know what to do." Benit nodded and took out her PSG1 and a package of diazepam, climbing out the window toward the grassy knoll.

CAM sat dejectedly in the grass outside, mumbling to himself.

"Well, unfortunately for Aya’s little mysterious undercover mission, she can’t make a decent cup of tea," he said. He turned around and noticed a person atop the grassy knoll. "Hey, a picnic on the grassy knoll!" He waved cheerfully. "Hi there!"

The Captain watched CAM wave from the window of his house. He picked up a walkie talkie.

"Agents Artemis and 7561, your cover’s been blown. Return to base. Alpha tango beta gamma chicken," the Cap said.

"Since when are we agents?" 7561 came back.

"Since I said so! Now, hurry up and get back to base!"

"Aye, Cap’n," Agent Artemis said through her walkie-talkie. "She canna take much more o’ this!" The connection went dead. The Captain switched to a new channel.

"Agent Benit, your position’s been compromised. Lay down cover fire."

"Roger," Agent Benit said over the airwaves. "Laying down cover fire."

"Agents Castor and Aya," the Cap said. "Save the tea!"

CAM saw the picnic-er on the grassy knoll raise a sniper rifle.

"Oh, spoony…," he said. He looked one last time before ducking into Shera’s Kitchen. "Hey, that looks like Benit. Nah, can’t be." CAM slipped on a mask of Aya he happened to have and snuck into the kitchen until he was right behind the real Agent Aya. He jumped her, bringing Aya to the floor. A walkie talkie clicked on the stainless steel kitchen counter.

"Agents Castor and Aya! Save the tea!" Agent Castor came in, carrying a tea kettle. CAM picked up the walkie talkie.

"Captain, sir! There seems to be a problem." CAM ripped off his Aya mask. "I’m not Agent Aya! I’m CAM! And I’ve drank all the tea!" The real Aya came to behind him and bashed CAM over the head with a wooden spoon. CAM collapsed to the floor. Aya turned to the walkie talkie.

"Okay, sir, we’ve cleared that up. I’ll start making more tea right away." Agent Castor nodded, and placed a kettle full of water onto the stove.

Part 2:

Setting: Rocket Town Auditorium

Time: That night

Agent the Captain stepped up to the podium in the front of Rocket Town’s massive theater/auditorium/opera house. He tapped his microphone, looking out at the crowd of Rocket Town dwellers in front of him.

"Is this thing on? Good." Agent the Captain cleared his throat grandly. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are here tonight to celebrate--," the Captain continued, not noticing the the form hiding in the rafters above him.

The purple octopus slowly pushed the 4-ton weight to the rafters above the Captain’s head.

"Uwee hee hee! Don’t feed the octopus, kids!" Somebody tapped the octopus on the "shoulder."

"Mr. Ultros, I presume?" a dark man said. Ultros put a tentacle up to his chin.

"Yeah, who’re you?"

"Er…you can call me Gray Fox. Look, you’re kind of in the wrong opera house."

"Hey, what gives? See her down there? The cutie in the opera dress singing. She and her friends annoy me, so I’m dropping this weight on their heads," Ultros said.

Gray Fox forced him to look down.

"Mr. Ultros, for one thing, that is a man, and he is most definitely not wearing an opera dress and singing. I believe you are looking for a Celes. Here, let me help you there." Gray Fox helped Ultros along the rafters, suddenly pushing him off the edge into the area behind the stage’s curtains. "See you later, Mr. Ultros. Hope you find your opera house. Look around Jidoor," Gray Fox said. There was a wet splat, and Gray Fox crawled up to the edge of the rafters and took out a sniper rifle.

"Yes, CAM, you’re mine."

"As I said," the Captain continued, "we’re here to celebrate the most whacked out fanfic Rocket Town has ever seen. May I have the envelope, please?" Suddenly, there was a spattering of gunfire from high above. The Captain hit the ground and shoulder-rolled off of the stage. The many people in the auditorium ran out screaming. Gray Fox dropped from the ceiling with cat-like grace…or maybe fox-like. Who knows? He stood over the Captain, the last remaining person. The Captain got up.

"Hey, who’re you?" the Captain asked.

"You can call me…Agent Gray Fox," Gray Fox said.

"Isn’t that from MGS?"

"No! That pretender spells ‘gray’ with an ‘e.’ I’ll kill him someday." A mysterious figure rushed in and whispered something in Gray Fox’s ear. "Huh? Whaddya mean he was the cyborg ninja and got stepped on by Metal Gear Rex? That spoony bard got away!" The Captain shrugged loosely.

"So, uh, Agent Gray Fox, why are you here?"

"Huh? Oh, I was going to kill CAM because he was on the verge of discovering the tea scandal."

"But that’s my job! You don’t even work for me!" Agent Gray Fox suddenly looked very dramatic and stoic.

"I work for no one," he said coldly. The Captain raised an eyebrow.

"Isn’t that what they all say?"

"Hey, don’t mess up my dramatic, stoic line."

"CAM wasn’t here. Last I heard, he was lying unconscious on the floor of Shera’s Kitchen," the Captain said. Gray Fox’s jaw dropped.

"He wasn’t here? Spoony! I’ll have to get him later…you know where he’ll be tomorrow?"

"Most likely Shera’s Kitchen for lunch. But I have to ask you, why do you care?" Gray Fox shrugged.

"Hey, this story needed a freeloader—er, freelancer." Agent Gray Fox walked out, shouldering his gun.

Agent Benit, still sitting on the knoll, watched the mysterious person with a similar sniper rifle leave the auditorium. She loked up at the dark sky, then at the auditorium. She flipped two cents.

"Hey!" Benit exclaimed suddenly. "Why am I here?" Agent Benit sat still a bit longer, then snapped her fingers. "Oh yeah! The Captain hired me to kill CAM, and Cid hired me to kill Shera, but she got away, and then Cid hired Aya to replace her so nobody would notice." Agent Benit played with the sniper rifle, pondering why she was talking to herself about top-secret Rocket Town comspiracies. She shrugged, and got up, tossing the two cents onto the ground. "Whatever. I’m going home."

Part 3:

Setting: Shera’s Kitchen

Time: Noon the next day

CAM looked at the various people in Shera’s Kitchen. All of the regualrs were there, and there was some guy sitting Shadow-esque in a dark corner. CAM once again removed his cardboard soapbox and stood on it.

"Hey! I’ve unearthed more of the details of this twisted conspiracy!" Every person there looked at him, rolling their eyes. "Yes! While I was lying on the floor bleeding after Aya’s brutal attack on me, I did some thinking and digging. Okay, here’s the whole twisted conspiracy: I realized that Cid was paying the big cheeses in Rocket Town, like Shera, to do next to nothing. So, if he’s paying all this money, here does he get the money to maintain our dear town?"

"That’s a load of $%&$*$%^$^&^&*^&^!" Cid yelled. There was a general nod among the patrons of Shera’s kitchen.

"Hear me out here," CAM said. "I then realized that the Captain was the ringleader in a scheme involving child’s walkie-talkies that intercept message from more sophisticated walkie-talkies, which are another pretty penny to be payed, like Cid’s agents have, so now the Cap’s little spy ring knows everything that Cid does. The players I know of in this twisted conspiracy are Agents Benit, Artemis, Aya, 7561 and Castor Troy. How does this all come together, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you." CAM paused for breath. "Okay. Cid wants to build another rocket, and of course he needs money. So he sold the Tiny Bronco to Wutai, which enabled him to get a free lifetime’s supply of tea. This cut back on the money he had to spend greatly, but it hurt the Wutain Teas Corporation because they lost their sole exporter, Cid, since he was getting the tea for free.This crisis almost caused Godo Kisaragi to lose both home and Materia, had it not been for two other Wutain exports: his daughter Yuffie’s Wu-Tai Clan Albums and an extensive collection of child pornography. Both rather disturbing. But, unfortunately for Cid, Shera was in his wallet more than anyone else, and she found it odd that they were building a new rocket. She uncovered the conspiracy, and to spite Cid for his general stinginess, she threatened to tell. To avoid this, Cid hired Agent Benit to snipe Shera, but she got away, and her current whereabouts are unknown. To make sure nobody would notice, Cid made the Captain hire Aya to take over Shera’s duty. But her disguise fell through when it was found that she couldn’t make a decent cup of tea. There have been several attempts to kill me since I found all of this out. There was Agent Benit’s attempt to snipe me from the grassy knoll. 7561 was planning to ‘liquidate’ me. Aya clobbered me with a wooden spoon. Then there were the snipers at last night’s award assembly. They would have shot me when I was accepting the award, but I was not there, instead I was lying bleeding on the floor of Aya’s Kitchen. So what does all this mean? Besides an effective way to get rid of me, it presented a distraction so the Cap could get more illegally exported Wutai tea behind Cid’s back, since I drank it all. So, while all this is going on, the Wutain tea dealer arrives," CAM finished. There was utter silence in the room. Then, the mysterious man who was sitting Shadow-esque in the corner stood up.

"Hello, CAM. I am Agent Gray Fox." Gray Fox looked around at the assmebled people. "Fools! Agent Aya was really a double agent working for me all this time!" Gray Fox pulled out his sniper rifle and aimed it at CAM.

"Oh, spoony…," CAM said, and he dove under a table just as Gray Fox’ gun discharged.

"Carp," Agent Gray Fox said angrily. "Agents Benit, Artemis, Castor, you’re too close to the truth. Time to check out." He shot at them, but the gun’s bullets went wide. "Spoony!" Agent Gray Fox said. "I hate using long range weapons at point blank range!" He blew a hole in the ceiling and disappeared with the aid of a grappling hook. Agent 7561 used the momentary confusion to fire a net at CAM. It entwined him.

"Finally! I have to do everything to liquidate him! He knows too much." Agent 7561 kneeled down and looked at the struggling CAM. "Don’t worry, CAM. It’ll be over pretty quickly."

"Nuts," CAM said. "I don’t get one of those long drawn out interrogations/slow, painful deaths?" Agent 7561 thought for a second.

"Hmm…no. It would take too long and that’s in every story or movie known to humankind. I’m a busy man." CAM frowned. 7561 noticed Agent Gray Fox moving away from the Kitchen outside the window. He snapped his fingers. "Aya! Get that fool!" Agent Aya ran out of the door and tackled Gray Fox. Agent 7561 stood over him. "Well, I bet you didn’t know Aya was really working for me all this time," 7561 said. Gray Fox raised an eyebrow.

"Doesn’t that mean she’s a triple agent? What is this, some commie-era Bond flick?" Gray Fox asked.

"Quiet you! You will suffer along with CAM for your insolence."

Part 4:

Setting: A mysterious oversized kitchen appliance

Time: That night

Agent 7561 smiled grimly as he finished tying CAM and Agent Gray Fox to a metal bar above a gigantic blender. They both flailed wildly trying to escape.

"I wonder…what seting should the blender be on? Frappé…? Liquidate…? Perhaps Gooify…?" Agent 7561 asked himself.

"You won’t get away with this!" CAM yelled.

"I’ve heard that before," Agent 7561 said. Suddenly his cell phone rang loudly. 7561 sighed loudly and answered the call. "Yes sir, Aya and I captured the two…yes sir, Aya’s cover has been blown but mine is still intact…no sir, they do not know you were the third one, Sepheratus…yes sir, I got the ‘Ultimate Tea’ recipe that Shera had kept hidden from Cid…no sir, I was not able to acquire the double bacon cheesburger you requested…yes sir, I did manage to get the soda as per request…I understand sir, I will be there shortly…thank you and goodbye, Mr. Vice President." Agent 7561 turned off the cell phone and turned back to the struggling pair above the blender. "Hey guys, I’ve decided Gooify! Izzat okay with you?" Both nodded. Agent 7561 pushed a button and the metal bar holding the agents began to descend very slowly. Agent Gray Fox looked at the blender’s whirling blades then back at the shaking CAM. He removed a laser-like device from under his tongue.

"CAM," he said. "Would you mind if I sacrificed your life to save mine?"

‘Well, I don’t--," CAM began.

"Thanks a bunch!" Gray Fox burned off CAM’s rope, sending him to the whirling blades below. Fox then cut off the ropes tying his legs and grabbed onto the rope left dangling by CAM, swinging to safety. He landed on the floor and snuck up behind Aya, giving her a swift kick to the head. She collapsed and Agent Gray Fox made his escape.

Part 5:

Setting: Rocket Town

Time: Early the next morning

Agent 7561 sat in front of his high-tech computer and checked his e-mail. A red light began to flash.

"Receiving message…receiving message…message from JavaManCAM incoming…," his computer said in a highly annoying feminine voice.

"CAM?" Agent 7561 said aloud. "He’s supposed to suitable shake base now!" He picked up his cell phone and dialed Aya. There was no answer. Suddenly CAM’s head appeared on 7561’s monitor.

"Hi, Agent 7561!" CAM said enthusiastically. Agent 7561 raised his eyebrows.

"Hey! You’re dead!"

"Nope nope nope! That was my special dummy you killed!" CAM said.

"I didn’t kill nobody…that guy did," 7561 said. "You know, that dog agent…"

CAM nodded.

"Agent Gray Fox! Well, you’re a bad murderer, 7561! I’ve also found out your whole twisted plot! Listen well!" CAM cleared his throat. "Okay! Here I go! There are several agenices afoot in this whole mess. There’s the Captain’s crew, which consists of Agents Benit, Artemis, Castor and himself, there’s Agent Gray Fox, and then there’s the "Eve Corporation" with Agent 7561, Agent Mulder, Agent Scully and Eve, the head. I’m sure there’s a bunch of other weird agents in Eve too. Eve is just a front corporation to disguise the fact that Eve and Jenova are one and the same. The Eve Coporation knows about Agent Aya’s little mission, and they plan to steal the deeds for the illegal Wutain tea. I know of this because a former Eve agent, Rude…er, Agent 1469…told me few things No, actually he wrote it down ‘cause he’s mute." Agent 7561’s jaw dropped.

"Hey! What’s your proof here?" CAM shrugged.

"Don’t need it. Bye-bye!" CAM disappeared from the monitor.

CAM shut off his computer and smiled. Suddenly the door behind him opened. The mute Agent 1469 walked in. He quickly signed something with his fingers.

‘Dammit, CAM! I told you not to say my name in public!’

"Agent 1469, come on, really…you won’t be sold out," CAM said. Agent 1469 nodded grimly, and signed ‘Okay.’

Agent 7561 paced nervously back and forth. Suddenly his cell phone rang. He answered it, sighing. It was the Vice President.

"Yes sir…you’re right, they are getting too close to the truth. No sir, my cover is intact…but Agent Aya has been pronounced dead after being attacked by Gray Fox…yes sir, he is a sly one, I was thinking the very same thing. He does serve a threat to Eve…yes sir, I will eliminate him immediately. Yes sir, the CAM liquidated was a dummy and not the real person. I will liquidate him along with his partner Agent 1469…no sir, I was not aware that it was possible that Agent 1469 could be a spy within our agency…no sir, I did not get that hamburger you requested…I ran into Agent 1469 and lost it…yes sir, I understand. I will retrieve your burger. Thank you and goodnight, sir." Agent 7561 stalked off in search of a hamburger and the means of liquidating his opponents.

Agent 7561 again sat down in front of his computer, and again the incoming message light began to flash.

"Receiving message…receiving message…receiving message from foxy@theden.com

…received message…"

"Shut your trap!" Agent 7561 said moodily. Agent Gray Fox’s face appeared on the monitor.

"Ah, Agent 7561," he said.

"What do you want?" Agent 7561 asked. "You’re supposed to be dead anyway." Agent Gray Fox shrugged expansively.

"Stuff happens. Anyway, I had a proposition for you. You know that the Wutain Tea Corporation has practically monopolized the world’s tea production, right? And seeing as this world has no real form of government in the first place, there’s nobody to stop it."

"What’s your point?"

"Well, the East India Company’s imports to the Planet are dwindling daily due to Wutai. They have put up a large sum of money for the, um, "elimination" of the Wutai tea barons. There’s some decent gil involved. Interested?" Agent 7561 blinked in surprise..

"What…? You’re proposing this to me, of all people? I tried to kill you!"

"Yeah, well, you have good connections. Eve Corporation and all."

"Um…that’s the thing. I can’t go against Eve, so I’ll have to turn you down," 7561 said.

"Spoony bard…," Gray Fox muttered under his breath.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing, Agent 7561. Farewell." Agent Gray Fox’s face disappeared, leaving 7561 with the task of getting a hamburger.

CAM walked through Rocket Town, whistling a happy tune. He had so far foiled every attempt to kill him, and he was in high spirits. His path took him up near the grassy knoll overlooking Shera’s Kitchen. He noticed a bright glistening in the grass. He kneeled down and saw two pennies. He snatched them quickly.

"Two cents. Sweeeeeeeeet." He pocketed the money. Some movement caught his eye. A dark figure was heading toward a warehouse at the edge of town. CAM squinted. "Hey, that’s Agent Artemis…," he said. He followed at a discreet distance, wondering where she was going.

Part 6:

Setting: A mysterious warehouse

Time: Noon

Agent Artemis was aware that CAM was following her as she slipped into the warehouse. Knowing CAM’s habits, she placed some food on the ground, and inserted a small set of Impalers.

"Now I can get that secret tea shipment," she said. "And CAM will never know." Artemis removed something from a pocket and placed it on a crate. "And now, a token of my esteem for Agent Gray Fox…an Exploding Plot Device." Laughing, she set off deeper into the massive room.

CAM was busy following Artemis when he heard her say something about ‘secret tea shipment.’

"I better go intercept it then!" he said. He continued tracking Agent Artemis until he suddenly came upon some food set on the ground. "Alright!" CAM said excitedly. "A hamburger!" He quickly consumed it. "And a jar of peanut butter!" Amazingly, he ate the whole jar without clogging his throat. "Mocha too!" He chugged the coffee, and was about to leave when he spied a nickel on the ground. "Ooh, I can buy more information off Agent 1469 with this stuff." CAM let out a hearty burp and began following Agent Artemis again.

"CAM!" Artemis’ voice echoed through the warehouse. "I hope you know that food was spiked with Impalers! Soon you’ll be turning into a cootsy-wootsy little frog!" CAM blinked in surprise and looked at his clothing.

"It’s a good thing that I was wearing my White Cape then, wasn’t it?" CAM heard Agent Artemis mutter something, and then all was silent again.

Agent Artemis climbed into the small airship atop the warehouse and strapped herself in.

"Now, to go to Wutai and pick up that tea shipment!" The tiny airship streaked off into the wild blue yonder.

CAM wandered ever deeper into the warehouse looking for Agent Artemis, unaware of her escape. Suddenly, two dark forms jumped him and dragged him into the center of the warehouse, tying him to a crate. He saw their faces in the dim light.

"Mulder and Scully?" CAM asked incredulously.

"The very same," Mulder said. CAM thought a minute, then came up with a clever idea.

"Hey, I saw a lamprey-man coming out of my toilet a little while ago. Why don’t you investigate?" Mulder’s eyes brightened.

"Lamprey men? Show me!" Scully glared at him.

"Mulder! This isn’t the time or the place! We have to wait for…the boss."

"The boss?" CAM asked in a small voice.

"Yes," Scully said. "The boss."

"She’s here!" Mulder squealed. CAM saw a somebody float into the scene, a blue skinned monster in a custom-tailored suit.

"Eve!" CAM exclaimed.

"Yes, CAM," Eve said. "Ah yes. My plan is nearly complete. Soon, the Eve Corporation will control Rocket Town…or destroy it! Either way, it will become a theme park for Jenova and mitochondria freaks! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!" Eve continued her evil laugh for a while, until someone dropped from the ceiling.

"Hiya, CAM," the mysterious figure said.

"Agent Gray Fox!"

"Uh…I’m sorry about trying to kill you," Fox said. "I kind of repented after I almost sent you to your death over that blender."

"Um, that’s great," CAM said. Agent Gray Fox turned to Eve.

"You’re going down, you blue-skinned freak!" Fox yelled, and he unloaded a full clip of ammunition on Eve. Eve blocked the bullets Vader-style.

"Really, you fool Agent. Do you think you can harm me?" Eve raised her hand and energy began to crackle around it. Something suddenly whizzed by CAM and latched itself to Fox’s shirt. Fox looked down at it.

"An Exploding Plot Device? Aw man…." The object blew up, sending Agent Gray Fox careening through the ceiling into the sky above Rocket Town. Eve had built up too much energy to control, and she released it at Gray Fox as he launched away. The energy ball missed, making yet another hole in the ceiling. Eve sighed.

"Mulder, Scully, get CAM back to headquarters." She steepled her fingers. "I have some…work to do."

Part 7:

Setting: The Townsquare

Time: About 1:30 PM

The various residents of Rocket Town milled about in the center of the town, when the massive TV screen in front of the electronics store flared to life. A crowd formed around it, and the Captain pushed to the front. Eve’s face appeared on the screen. She smiled evilly.

"Hello, Captain. I have something serious to say. You have 48 hours to give me the deeds to the illegal tea shipments to Rocket Town, or I will use my ultimate secret weapon." There was a murmur of shock in the crowd. "The Writer’s Block," Eve continued. "A diabolical device which has the power to keep anything from being written by emitting crappy opera music. Without Rocket Town’s extensive libraries, its populace will be gone in a heartbeat. Do not think I am bluffing. I have already used this device. Poor Junj, I rather liked her works. Oh well. I also realize, Captain, that you may try to rescue Rocket Town using your remarkable CGs. If so, I will be forced to use The Can of Whoop Ass and burn Rocket Town to the ground. So, which will it be, Captain? You tea? Or your Rocket Town?" Eve’s face disappeared, leaving a stunned Captain.

Agent Benit pressed the Bond-ish gadget closer to her ear. She laughed.

"This’ll get me the entire list of ingredients for the recipe! The money I’m dispersing is fake!"

"What do you need to listen in to?" a voice asked over the gadget’s radio waves.

"Right now I’m learning the Ultimate Tea recipe from Aya. She’s a fool to think it won’t be overheard!" Benit tapped the battery. "Heh, the sneak CAM took the five cents it fell into the enemy. The 2 cents are elsewhere. Perfect."

Part 8:

Setting: The Rocket Burger

Time: 2:00 PM

Agent 7561 was waiting in line for a hamburger when his CODEC began to ring quite loudly. He collapsed to the floor, the CODEC nearly shattering his earlobes. He answered the call, weakly getting to his feet. 7561 noticed he was attracting stares from the clientele, so he discreetly slipped into the men’s room, going into one of the stalls. He spoke into the CODEC.

"What are you doing? You know you’re not supposed to call me via CODEC! It’s damaging to my health."

"I’m sorry, Agent 7561," Agent Aya said over the line. 7561 rolled his eyes.

"Well, it doesn’t matter," he said. "But I thought you died when Agent Gray Fox attacked you."

"I did…." The CODEC fell silent for a moment as Agent 7561 absorbed the current information.

"If you died…how on the Planet can you be talking to me?"

"It’s actually quite simple," Agent Aya said. "I ate a pill of Insta-Plot, and poof I’m back in the scene. Cool, huh?" Suddenly, someone pounded on the door of the stall. Agent 7561 looked up in surprise.

"Hey, buddy, you okay in there?" the person outside asked. "It sounds like you were talking to yourself or something."

"Uh…I like to talk to myself to pass the time," Agent 7561 responded cleverly. There was some muttering as the person left the bathroom.

"So, Agent Aya, what have you found out so far?" 7561 asked.

"Well, it seems the President is taking matters into her own hands. Sepheratus thinks what she’s doing is utter folly. He’s thinking of going to Plan B." Agent 7561’s mouth dropped.

"Plan B?! The Vice President himself is going to initiate Plan B without the authorization of the President? What’s he going to do, commit hari kari?"

"Um, I think that’s hara kiri," Agent Aya said.

"Gah. Never mind that. Why’s he using Plan B?" Agent 7561 was suddenly interrupted by yet another person pounding on the stall door.

"Hey, mister! What’s taking so long? I need to go potty badly!" Agent 7561 rolled his eyes.

"Ah, go back to wearing diapers, kid! You’re botherin’ me!"

"Waaaaaaaaah! I’m telling my daddy on you!" the kid screeched as he ran out of the bathroom. Agent 7561 shrugged and went back to his CODEC.

"Sorry about that, Agent Aya. I’ve been getting a disturbance by some toilet nuts out there."

"Where are you anyways?" Agent Aya asked.

"Does it matter?" Agent 7561 responded. "What really matters is when the initialization of Plan B will commence."

"I can’t say it too loudly and I think someone has tapped the CODEC line. I’ll give you a coded sequence, and you’ll have to decode it with a Super Decoder Ring found in a Cracker Jack ™ box. They’re sweet and yummy and oh so delicious!"

"Why did you just say that phrase after you said Cracker Jack ™?" Agent 7561 asked.

"Oh, I get paid extra when I say that," Aya said.

"Whatever. Just give me the code." Agent Aya took a deep breath.

"Okay, here it is. Sally sells seashells by the seashore. A swallow swallows when it is swallowing a swaying swan. An interplanetey poser, how puzzling. Perhaps a pheonemic path can be phrased with little postulation," she finished. Agent 7561 was writing the code down when the stall door was bashed in violently. A hulking man hauled Agent 7561 by the shirt collar.

"Why therefore you not let my son use the bathroom?" he asked. The stench of his breath was crippling. Agent 7561 gagged.

"’Cause I didn’t want to smell your stinking breath from the outside! Did something crawl down your throat and die?" The man pulled him even closer to his face.

"Duh! It didn’t die! And you’re going to pay for what you’ve done!" With that, the man promptly hurled Agent 7561 out the window into the ionosphere.

Part 9:

Setting: Captured Shinra submarine used late in FF7

Time: Late that night

A submarine floated by in cold, clear water. Deep inside, a man sat with a shadowy figure in front of the room. The figure cleared his throat.

"Agent Brandon TCA, a fanfic development and display facility in Rocket Town has come under attack by next-generation Jenova-Mitochondria forces. The terrorists are demanding that the Rocket Town government hand over the remains of ‘a lot of tea,’ and if their demands are not met, they threaten to detonate a ‘Writer’s Block.’ Your mission is to infiltrate whatever the spoony is in there, rescue some guy and determine whether the terrorists have the capability to launch a ‘Writer’s Block’ and stop them if they do," the shadowy figure finished.

"What’s the insertion method?" Brandon TCA asked.

"Well, you’ll approach the base in a one-man SDV, then you’ll approach the entrance and then…kick, punch, turn and chop the door!"

"Kick, puch, turn and chop the door?"

"Or…I…will fall to the floor!" the shadowy figure exclaimed. Brandon blinked in surprise.

"Um…yeah. Do I get a cool code name with some kind of animal in it?"

"Why would you want one of those?" the figure asked.

"Well, we’ve ripped off Metal Gear Solid at every opportunity here already, except for the PaRappa refs. How about we make a crossover ref with with Pokémon? Everyone loves Pokémon!" Brandon said. The shadowy figure thought a moment.

"Okay, how about ‘Solid Ekans?’ That way we still rip off MGS and make a Pokémon ref."

"Cool. So, to ensure a Konami lawsuit, I start a one-man infiltration mission now, right?" The shadowy figure shook his head.

"Not likely. With this many people involved, you’ll probably be anything but alone." The newly-named Agent Solid Ekans grinned.

Scene 10:

Setting: Wutai

Time: Early the next day

The sun shone brightly over the awakening village of Wutai. The first of the winos was staggering into the Turtle’s Paradise. Some ninjas warmed up in the central square. Leviathan tore up an innocent fishing boat out to sea. And a bruised and tattered Captain crawled out of a manhole. He slowly flicked on his CODEC, and sent a message toward Rocket Town, knowing it would be broadcast from speakers all over.

"I’ve been imprisoned in Wutai since February!" gasped the Captain. "They locked me in that house with all the cats! The cats! The cats!!!!!" He took a deep breath. "The real person behind the illegal Wutai tea operation, Eve’s inexplicable resurrection and who has sent someone to control Rocket Town to use for evil ends is and has always been…AUGH!!!!" The Captain collapsed, impaled by a Conformer.

The fake Captain heard the message back in Rocket Town, and figured it was a decent time to bail. The impostor climbed into an airhsip, and streaked toward Wutai to report to his superior.

A little while later, the real Captain woke up, and healed himself using a hidden Restore Materia. He watched a tiny airship set down near him and he grinned. He walked up to the airship, punched the pilot in the face and tossed him to the ground, not even noticing it was his apparent twin.

"Hot damn!" the Captain said, and he climbed into the airship and headed for Rocket Town.

Go on to Section 2