Final Fantasy 7....Star Trek Style!
Written by Cait >^..^<
Content: Well, some slight Cid...as usual.
Rating: PG-13
Dedicated to: My dad... For being enough of a trekkie so that I could right this with no need for in depth research!
Annoying voice: Space...The final frontier...These are the voyages of a group of rejects-
AVALANCHE: Hey!
Annoying voice: (cough) Sorry...A group of rebels... Together, they seek out new lands...Better plots...and the will to boldly go...where no bar hostess, stuffed cat, swearing pilot, vampire-guy, big-red dog, Mr. T, flower girl or nasty teenager has ever gone before!
Cloud: Hey!
Annoying voice: Oh yeah...And some ex-SOLDIER tagged along as well...
Setting: Cid is sitting at the control panel of the Highwind 13-4, laughing and shoving spoonfuls of 'space-age' hash into his mouth.
Cid: WHOOOEEE! I just love these new high-tech TV thingy's....It's so big! (goes pale) Bo, watch out for that open ditch!
Tifa: (turns from her 'space-age' computer) Captain...Shouldn't you be using that viewing screen for something more important than the Dukes Of Hazzard?
Cid: What, do they got John Wayne on DVD now? (blinks and there's a swooshing sound as Cloud enters the bridge in a huff)
Cloud: Captain Cid...I should be the captain! (makes whining sounds and stomps up and down) I'm the starrrrrr!
Cid: Shaddup! The author finally let me do something besides die instantly...So sit the %$#@ down and look like your doing something future-like!
Cloud: (sits down abruptly and begins to look over his 'space-age' computer board) Hey...There are no buttons on this...
All: SHHHH!
Cait-a: (turns to him) Captain!
Cid: What is it Data?
Cait-a: That's Cait-a...
Tifa: (cough) Rip-off!
Cait-a: Hey, shut up! I'm one hundred percent original! Like...Beanna Soy...And Don Luke Bicard...(clears throat) Anyway...Perhaps it is wise to turn on the actual viewing screen...As interesting as the Dukes are...
Cid: Alright, fine...(hits a button and the screen turns back to space) SHIT!
(A huge ship is hovering in front of them)
Cid: Whooee...The General sure has changed...
Cait-a: (smacks Cid)
(alarm goes off)
Annoying voice: ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ALL PERSONEL ARE TO REPORT TO THE BRIDGE...WELL NOT ALL OF THEM...YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE...IF YOU'RE A MAIN CHARACTER GET YOUR ASS DOWN THERE!
Cloud: Hey, it's that guy from the intro!
Annoying voice: What? (clears throat) OH, IT'S YOU...
Cait-a: Jeeze, stop talking so loud. You totally suck as an alarm, buddy...
Annoying voice: Why must you be so hurtful...? Prepare to die...
(a gas mask comes out of Cait-a's computer board and claps onto his face)
Cait-a: Hey...I- (passes out)
((Yeah Yeah! I know he's a robot! But it's funny, so shut yer damn face, sit down and read the goddamn FIC!))
Annoying voice: AS I WAS SAYING...ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENT-
Vincent: (shoots the intercom)
Cid: Wow, you're in this?
Vincent: Well...The author doesn't like Barret, so I had no choice but to be entered into this go nowhere fan-fic...(backs into his dark corner)
Cid: (turns to the screen) Hey, that looks like Sephiroth's ship!
Cloud: Yeah...Looks like...Heh heh heh...
Cid: What?!
Cloud: Huh?
Cid: (blinks)
Tifa: Captain, incoming transmission!
(screen flicks on, Sephiroth smiles at them)
Cid: Gasp! It's &*%#$#&%&$%$$#*&%$#*^%#@% Sephiroth!
Tifa: Does a swear like that exist?
Cid: Naw...The author fell asleep on the keyboard.
Tifa: (nods)
Cid: (looks back to the screen) What do you want, Sephy?!
Sephiroth: (exasperated sigh) Please, don't call me that... (clears throat and looks menacing) MWA HA HA HA! Prepare to feel my wrath!
Cloud: Sephirrrroooooothhhh! (charges ferociously at him, smacks into the screen, falls unconscious)
Annoying voice: And there was much rejoicing...
All: Yayyyyy...
(back to the problem at hand)
Sephiroth: Give me the Black Mat- Wait...No...(looks at his 'To Do' list) Oh, yes...Give me the Promised lan- No...That's not it...(sigh) Oh forget it, I'm just gonna kill you all! (turns away from the screen) Worthless Sephiroth Cronie number 6! Ready the phasers!
Worthless Sephiroth Cronie number 6: Must...ready...phasers...great...Sephiroth...(kills self)
Sephiroth: Aww, for christs sake...The lifespan on those guys, I tell ya...(looks back to the screen) MWA HA HA HA! No worry, I'll finish you off myself!
All: AAAAAAAH!
Cid: Cait-a! Wake up, you must do something! You're my second in comand!
Riker: I thought I was.
All: Ewwwww....!
Riker: So...hurtful...(sniffs and wipes his eyes with his sleeve as he leaves the bridge, blithering)
Cait-a: (looks up, his eyes glazed over and dilluted) So...very...cold!
Cid: Huh? I thought you were a robot you &^%$in' retard!
Cait-a: Gluurble...Gluurble...(passes out again)
Sephiroth: MWA HA HA HA! I've taken care of that!
(he steps back, and Reeve is seen, strapped to the wall, pantless)
Sephiroth: Inject him with more heroine!
Reeve: No...No more...(head lolls to the side as he goes unconscious)
Worthless Sephiroth Cronie number 8: Hero...Heroine...(injects self in eye, dies)
Sephiroth: Dammit...Now I have to open a fresh new box...(takes a crowbar and opens up a box labeled 'Worthless Sephiroth Cronies 10-20')
Cid: Uhhh...(blinks) Sephiroth...?
Sephiroth: MWA HA HA! What is it? Do you surrender to my ultimate power?
Cid: No...Why are his &%$#&^%$ pants off? (nods to Reeve)
Sephiroth: (blinks)
Cid: Well....?
Sephiroth: (silence)
Cid: Why are his pants off?
Sephiroth: (blinks, looks to his cronies) READY THE PHASERS!
Yuffie: Gawd, we're all gonna die!
All: (run around like idiots, screaming)
Cid: HOLD IT! HOLD IT! We have to *&$#^$in' think here, ya GODDAMN REJECTS!
Tifa: Cid's right...
Vincent: (wipes a tear from his eye) Yeah...
Cid: Now...Concentrate...Dammit SHERA! I can't concentrate without my GODDAMN TEA!
Shera-Bot: Coming, Captain...(patters off to make tea)
Cait-a: I like brownie faces.
Vincent: (pats him on the head) That's nice.
Cid: I say we...(gestures for them to huddle) ....send Cloud out in a kamakazi escape pod...He'll crash into the back of Sephiroth's ship and BAM!
Tifa: But...What of-
Cid: Don't worry, Barret'll be strapped to the front of it.
Tifa: (let's out a sigh of relief)
Cid: Understand? (looks to Yuffie) Vincent?
Vincent: (nods) Sir?
Cid: You handle the controls of the ship through that 'space-age' computer consul...(points to an empty 'space-age' computer consul)
Vincent: Yes, sir! (sits down at it)
Cid: Red...You'll lay out the route map, using crayons and those McDonalds napkins.
Red: (nods) Yes, sir! (rushes off to his important task)
Cid: Tifa?
Tifa: (nods)
Cid: You are to bring Cloud to the kamakazi escape pod...He trusts you...Tell him he's going to...(shrugs) I dunno...Disney land or something...
Tifa: Got it! (drags Cloud off)
Cid: Cait-a...
Cait-a: That's Margaret, you Nazi spy...!! (head lolls backwards)
Cid: That's right...You tell those Nazi's...(pats him on the head)
Yuffie: Sir, what'll I do?!
Cid: Hmm...(strokes chin) Yuffie...You go stand by that blank white wall, so that we may throw blunt objects and rotten tomatoes at you...
Yuffie: Yes sir! (runs off to the wall)
Cid: Launch the Cloud!
(the pod carrying Cloud is launched, Barret strapped to the front of it, to everyone's relief. It hurtles to the back of Sephiroth's ship, and smashes into a forcefield, exploding in a firey inferno)
Cid: (his cigarette falls out of his mouth) SHIT! How'd he know we were coming?
Sephiroth: (rolls eyes) You left the transmission screen on, nit-wit...
Reeve: (yelling to no one in particular) Talk...Talk or I'll...I'll...I ENJOY LATE NIGHT MATINEE'S...What's it to ya?!
Sephiroth: (turns to him annoyedly) Will you shut up?
Reeve: (crying) I want my pants back...BOBBY! (continues to weep)
Cid: Dammit! That's cruel and unusual punishment! You've gone too far SEPHIROTH!
Yuffie: Yeah, give him back his pants!
Vincent: (hucks a tomatoe at Yuffie)
Yuffie: OW!
Cloud: (enters the bridge with a swoosh) Sephirrrroooooothhhh! (charges ferociously at him, smacks into the screen, falls unconscious)
Cid: What? I thought....Then...Tifa?
Tifa: (enters the bridge) Huh? Oh...He wouldn't get in the pod...So I got rid of that weird Johnny guy instead...
Vincent: Not Johnny! He's the true hero of Final Fantasy...Oooh....That makes me so angry...(hucks a tomatoe at Yuffie)
Yuffie: (spitting out tomatoe paste) Quit it!
Sephiroth: Ya know...I really should kill you guys...In fact, I could've killed you before you even saw me...But that would've went for a rather uneventful fan-fic, eh?
Cid: Damn right! (eats some hash)
Cait-a: (coming out of his daze) C'mon guys! Let's just kill the GODDAMN ASSHOLE!
Everyone: GASP!
Tifa: Cait-a cussed!
Cait-a: So?
Vincent: That's almost as out-of-character as having Aeris swear!
Aeris: What's a swear?
Vincent: (hucks a tomatoe at Aeris)
Aeris: AH! (runs off the bridge as the rest of the cast pelt her with rotten tomatoes)
Cid: That's it Sephiroth! I'm a-takin' you out! Energize! (disappears, reappears on the deck of Sephiroth's ship)
Sephiroth: Wha-What?
Cid: Let the stiff in the business suit go....And me an' you'll fight man to... man with very feminine features!
Sephiroth: You would be the second one...Eh? MWA HA HA HA!
(no one laughs at his joke)
Sephiroth: (growls) C'mon you cronies! What do I pay you for?
Worthless Sephiroth Cronies numbers 10-20: Ha Ha Ha Ha...(they all die)
Sephiroth: (sigh)
Cid: C'mon! Let's go ya %$#@in' reject! (hops up and down, punching at the air, Zell-style)
Zell: (in front of a sparkly background) Ha Ha! (thumbs up)
Sephiroth: Look, I don't really...feel like it...Can we fight sometime later? Like after I vaporize your crew? (turns to press the 'fire' button)
Cid: No! (flys forward and slaps Sephiroth's hand out of the way)
Sephiroth: It was just a suggestion... (sulks)
Cid: (turns to the screen) Hey, you guys get ready to beam me an' the pantless one outta here...After I kick this long-haired hippies *^%#%# ass!
Tifa: Only if you speak with a scottish accent.
Cid: No. Just beam me back when I say so, alright?
Vincent: (salutes the screen) Aye Aye Sir.
Yuffie: Hey, Cid's face is all big! How'd it get that big?
Vincent: (hucks a tomatoe at Yuffie)
Yuffie: I hate you guys! (cries)
Sephiroth: (slaps Cid)
Cid: (slaps him back)
Sephiroth: (stomps on his foot)
Cid: (pulls his hair)
Sephiroth: Ow...Ow...Ow...
Cid: Yeah, Take that ya %$#@^% bi-otch!
Cloud: Sephirrrroooooothhhh! (charges ferociously at him, smacks into the screen, falls unconscious)
Cait-a: (annoyedly) Will someone tie him down?
Red: (drags Cloud off by the seat of his pants)
Cloud: I'm the starrrr....Cloud the starrrr....Of the game....I'm the starrrrrrr!
(the door swishes shut behind Red and Cloud as they exit the bridge, mauling noises are heard)
Yuffie: Heh...Cloud got mauled!
Cait-a: (drops a fat chocobo on Yuffie and turns back to watch the onscreen fight)
Vincent: (sighs and puts down his readied tomatoe, scowling at Cait-a)
Cid: Take this! (pokes him in the eye)
Sephiroth: OHHHHHHH GAWWWWWDDDD! (falls to the ground and explodes in a blast of light and plasma)
Cid: Ummm.....(looks about) YEAH! I DID IT!
All: YAAAAAYYYYY!
Cloud: (from outside the bridge) Sephirrrroooooothhhh! (slams into the bridge door)
Cid: (takes Reeve down from his shackles) Ok buddy...
Reeve: I'm....cold....
Cid: Yeah, that's nice. (pats him on the head) Well crew...
Cait-a: Don't forget my pants!
Cid: It sure looks like we did it...
Cait-a: Don't forget my pants!
Cid: (salutes them) Beam me back, guys.
Cait-a: (squeaky voice) Don't forget my pants!!
(Reeve and Cid regenerate on the bridge)
All: Welcome back!!!
Reeve: (punches Cid) You *&^$%in' loser! You forgot my pants!
Tifa: Why were your pants off, anyway?
Reeve: (blinks) I...I don't know...
(Creepy music plays)
Annoying voice: Things are always unexplainable...In....The Twilight Zone...
Vincent: Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo...
THE END!
Cloud: Sephirrrroooooothhhh!
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