The Near End of Cid's Nicotine Addiction

By Solid Snake

Cid sat on the cold metallic table inside room A3 of Rocket Town's Health Clinic. He was craving a smoke, but tried not to let the doctor see it. Dr. Buige held up his X-rays to the light and let out mysterious "hmmm"s and "aahh"s.

"Well, doc? What's the matter? You givin' me the heebie-jeebies here," Cid said.

"Interesting…," the doctor remarked. "Tell me again, Mr. Highwind, are you SURE you're breathing?"

"Yes I'm sure, you #@$%!" Cid cursed. "Now tell me what's with all the goddamn hmm's and aahh's."

"Mr. Highwind," the doctor said, "I…well, um…I'll be blunt."

"Sure. What the hell."

"You…er, see…you have to quit smoking," the doctor said cautiously.

"What?!? Ya mean just stop!!" he shouted.

"Or croak," the doctor said.

"…"

"Talk it over with you wife, Mr. Highwind. We have classes that you can sign up for if you need any help."

"I don't need no help," Cid snapped. "I can quit by myself."

"That's all I have to say to you. Call me if you need any additional information." The doctor extended his hand, but Cid ignored it.

Doctors…whatta they know…

Now it was time to face Shera, his wife. He trudged home, the townsfolk sent little greetings to him. He ignored them and took out a cigarette.

Quit smoking…"Right," he said aloud and threw his cigarette to the ground. "Oh…but I want you SO MUCH." He began to notice how the people around him were looking at him funny. "What the !@#*^ are YOU lookin' at, you punk-ass @#%$!!" he said.

Cid hurried home and opened the door to his little house. His lovely wife Shera was standing in the kitchen, making some tea.

"Hi, Cid!" she called out endearingly, like what you would say to a cat that was disturbingly adorable. Cid grinned and pretended to act charmed.

"Hiya, sweetie," he said. Don't make it sound TOO fake. "How're ya?"

"I'm fine, Cid," she said. "I made some tea for you." She seated him down into the table and set two tea cups out, pouring Cid and then herself a cup. Then she sat down across from him. Unusually, he didn't touch his cup and instead began to strike up a conversation with her.

It's coming…"So, dearest, uh…um, how was you…morning?" he said. Oh man, it's coming…

Since when did you call me "dearest", you tightwad? "It was great," she answered. She took a sip of her tea. She began to notice his unusual behavior. "Um…Cid, you come your tea is still sitting there? Is still cold for you?"

"Um, no. I'm just…not in the mood for tea…I guess," Cid said.

"Oh." Shera took another sip of her tea. "It's nice to just sit down and talk, isn't it? Without all that Shin-ra getting in the way, I can spend some more time with you."

Cid stared dumbly at her.

"So," she began, "how was your trip to the doctor."

"Oh, him? Ah, well…he said that I have to, er…"

"Yes?"

"Quit smoking."

Shera's next response was completely different from what he had expected. "Yay!" she exclaimed. She jumped out of her chair and squeezed him. "I knew you would someday!"

"Um…yeah. Hurray for me," he said.

"Why, aren't you a happy that you can quit?" she said confused.

"I don’t think I can do it myself."

"Oh, Cloud and the others won't hesitate to help," she said.

That's what I'm afraid of.

"Hi, Cid," Cloud said. "So, you're finally gonna quit smoking, eh?"

"Shut up," he snapped. "Now just tie me down. And make it tight."

He sat down in a wooden chair while Cloud and Vincent tied the rope around him. "There, all set," Vincent replied.

A long moment passed. "How long's it been since my last smoke?" Cid asked.

"Thirty-six minutes," Cloud answered. Another long moment passed.

"Thirty seven now," Vincent replied.

"#@!$ Give me a *^&$% cigarette!!" Cid shouted.

"No way. Our job is to keep you from smoking," Cloud said.

"I said give me a $%^# cigarette, you $%@# punk!!" Cid shouted. "Or I'll stick both a ya in the #@$% blender!!!"

"Thirty-eight," Vincent said, checking his watch.

"ARGH!!! I-I need a smoke, damn it!! My-my feet are t-turning in puddles!!" Cid yelled.

"I won't let you have 'em, Cid."

"I KILL BOTH OF YOU!!" Cid began to move back and forth, and before long, he was chasing after them in this chair, still tied down.

"Run for you lives!" Vincent yelled. "He's gonna slaughter us both!!"

"AHH!!" Cloud said, and the two of them ducked into the bathroom. "(pant, pant) I-I think we're safe in here."

CHUNK!!!

An axe flew threw the door. Somehow, Cid had used his mouth to throw it.

"AHHHH!!! MOMMIEEE!!!" the two yelled. Cid thumped into the bathroom in his chair.

I knew we shoulda tied the chair down too, Cloud thought. Then they darted past him and he chased them up and down the house cursing at the top of his lungs.

"AHH!!!" Cloud yelled between breaths. "I don't wanna die yet!"

"…who art in heaven, hallow be thy name…" Vincent muttered, also between breaths.

"GIVE ME THE $%&^# CIGS!!!"

MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE THE HOUSE --

"I wonder if the boys are okay," Shera said.

"Don’t worry," Aeris said.

"Cloud and Vincent can take care of themselves," Tifa added.

"But Cid can get pretty ugly when he can't smoke," Shera said.

"I'm sure they're fine," Aeris replied.

BACK INSIDE THE HOUSE --

Cid had escaped his ropes and was mercilessly strangling Vincent.

"WHERE THE #$%*& ARE THEY!!!"

"Gack…Lucrecia…"

Suddenly, Cloud jumped on Cid and wrestled him to the floor. Cid threw a punch. Then Cloud punched back.

"@#^&*%%&~%J((*^%^))&&(*%^&%%$!!!!!!!"

"*&*%$^$8786%%#@$#6332!~@#$#*(&)&!!!!"

While the two maniacs fought and cursed, Vincent dashed out the door and ran over to where the girls were talking.

"So then Cloud was all, like, whoa! And I was, like, no way! And he was like, yes way! And I go, cool! And he was all, you know…"

"Yuffie!! Help!!" Vincent cried.

"Vinnie, what happened? You look like hell!" Shera exclaimed.

"It's…its Cid. He's crazy! They're inside fighting right now!!" he yelled, nearly out of breath.

The girls dashed quickly inside and saw Cid passed out on the floor.

"Cloud, what happened?!" Tifa said.

"Sleep spell…that, or I'd be a goner," Cloud said.

"Cid, you are SO dead," Shera muttered.

Barret and Cait Sith strolled in.

"Hi," Cait Sith said. "I thought Cid would want some cigarettes. The Wal-Mart (I KNOW THIS NEVER HAPPENS, BUT STILL) was having a sale."

The word "cigarette" awakened Cid senses, even with the Sleep Magic at work. He snatched it out of Cait Sith's hand, lit it, and took a long puff.

"THE HELL?!" Cloud yelled. "You're suppose to quit!"

Suddenly, Biggs and Wedge ran in. Then a two-hundred pound weight drops on them and they die.

"Oh my God! They killed Biggs and Wedge!!" Barret yelled.

"Relax, they die everyday and then they come back," Tifa said.

And so, Cid never quit smoking, Tifa fought Aeris over Cloud, Barret continued to act like Mr. T, Cait Sith mopped the mess that Biggs and Wedge made, Vincent helped, Cloud got a headache, Yuffie spoke teenbonics, and Shera made Cid sleep on the floor for a week.

~ Fin ~

All of these characters belong to their rightful owner(s). Blah, blah, blah…

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