by Fritz Fraundorf
Prologue
| There were six of them. And there was soon to be another. But he was not one of them. No, he had been cut! What had he done wrong? Nothing! But he had been cut; he was not one of them. It wasn't right! It was all a conspiracy! They were all plotting against him, all six of them. They thought they were so great. Now it was time for justice to be delivered. They would soon feel his wrath.... the wrath of Evil Cid! |  |
Wedge walked into the meeting room of the Highwind, carrying the mail. "Hey, Cid," Wedge said, waving a letter. "You've got mail."
"Can't you see I'm @#$in' busy?" Cid snapped. "Check," he said, moving his knight.
Red XIII examined the chess board. "Are you sure you want to do that?" he asked mildly.
"Of course I'm sure!" Cid replied.
Red XIII sighed and slid his bishop across the board. "Checkmate," he said. "I win."
Cid swore and threw his hands up in the air. "Seven turns!" he shouted. "You're too #$^in' good!"
"Wow, you're almost as bad at chess as Barret is at PaRappa," Caet Sith observed impudently from nearby.
"I heard that, cat," Barret said from across the room.
Wedge stood impatiently in the doorway. "I'll just open it and see if it's anything important." He tore open the letter -- and it exploded. "Not agaiiin!" Wedge's voice trailed off as he was enveloped in the explosion.
There was silence. Cid eventually broke it with a string of curses. "@#$&! That was meant for me!"
"Poor Wedge," Caet Sith said. "How many times has he died now?"
* * *
Cid entered his lab in Baron Castle. His mail was sitting on the table. Out of habit, Cid decided to "Peep" his mail before he opened it. He recoiled in shock as he examined the first letter and stared at its contents.
There was a bomb inside.
Cid gingerly picked up the top letter by its corner and set it aside. He then proceeded to examine the rest of his mail, all of which was harmless, but could not shake the thoughts of the bomb from his mind. Somebody had obviously wanted to kill him... but who?
* * *
Mid opened the Previas' mailbox in Karnak. There was a single letter inside. Mid took it and was heading back towards the house when he heard a loud "WARK!" behind him.
A rabid Chocobo was charging straight towards him. Mid tried to scramble to get out the way, but the Chocobo plowed into him and knocked him down. The letter fell from Mid's hand and was snatched up by the rabid Chocobo, which kept running.
Mid got dizzily to his feet. The rabid Chocobo charged off through Karnak, eating the letter as it went. Suddenly, the Chocobo exploded in a ball of flame and burned up.
"Yikes!" Mid said. "Good thing I didn't open that letter!"
* * *
Evil Cid stood in the so-called Ryukahn Desert; what was really going to be his laboratory. Instead they made it a stupid desert! With an airship buried under the sand that you raised by using a "Floater" stone! What kind of storyline was that? The fools would pay for this outrage!
His letter bombings had apparently failed, but he had a brilliant new plan. He would draw the other false Cids here and deal with them personally. Cackling evilly, he reached over to his newly-constructed radio transmitter and flipped it on...
* * *
"Who could be responsible for this?" Cloud wondered aloud as AVALANCHE gathered in the meeting room of the Highwind.
"Oooh, let's try the Psychic Friends Hotline," Caet Sith said, grabbing the phone off the wall and calling the Psychic Friends Hotline. "Hello?" he asked. "I'd like to know who just sent a letter bomb to Cid Highwind." After a brief pause, Caet said "Thank you" and hung up. He turned to the rest of the group and gave a thumbs-up. "It's the work of the Evil Cid," he reported. "Apparently he wants revenge against all of the Cids."
"I can't believe you actual trust that stuff," Tifa said to him.
"I'm not the one who's paying the phone bill," C.S. shrugged.
"What do you mean, 'all of the Cids?'" Cloud asked Caet.
"Oh no, not those $&*$!in' losers we met in that Guardian Amulet episode," Cid said [note: the Guardian Amulet was another one of my fanfics].
"It stands to reason that those would be the individuals in question," Red XIII said. "And it would seem logical to assume that this Evil Cid would have sent letter bombs to the other Cids as well."
"Tough toasties," Cid said. "Don't think you're draggin' me into another pointless @&#$(in' adventure." Cid crossed his arms and turned away from the group. "I've got things to do. The Highwind needs a tune-up." Lighting a cigarette, Cid turned and marched out of the room. He descended the ladder that led into the Highwind's rarely-seen engine room.
Cid picked up his toolbox from the steel floor of the engine room and set it on a nearby workbench. He then turned to the radio sitting on top of a cabinet and turned it on. As he was turning away, the radio announcer spoke. "You are listening to WCID, the ONLY station dedicated to playing 'MMMBop' 24 hours a day! And now, back to more MMMBop!"
"@#$)(*#$%!" Cid swore. Acting quickly, he spun the dial to a different channel, only to be confronted with exactly the same message. Cid hurriedly slammed the dial to several different channels, but they were all the same. As the song started, Cid tried to turn the radio off, but the on / off switch was stuck on the "on" position. Out of desperation, Cid flung open his toolbox, grabbed a nail gun, and shot the radio. The radio exploded, leaving only a pile of parts with electricity sizzling between them.
"Who @^$%(in' messed with my radio?" Cid said aloud, staring at the broken device.
Cid kicked his toolbox off the bench and stormed back up to the meeting room. "Let's see, I control all of the north continent, so I get three extra guys," Vincent was saying. He picked up the pair of dice from the side of the Risk board and started shaking them. "All right, Barret, I'm attacking the North Corel Area with four guys from the Icicle Area."
"Roll the dice, foo'," Barret said.
Caet Sith looked up. "That was quick," he said, seeing Cid in the doorway.
"Some ^&$%$) messed with my radio," Cid snapped. "Every channel was playing some $%&*! MMMBop crap, and I couldn't turn it off."
"That's terrible!" Caet Sith said. "I'm outraged! I'm going to express my determination with a large-scale letter-writing campaign that will do absolutely no good whatsoever!"
"Are you making fun of me?" Cid demanded.
"I LIKE Hanson," Yuffie protested.
"You would," Barret muttered.
"And not only that... but it was station 'WCID'. What kind of $(&%^ would do that to me?"
"Evil Cid?" Aerith suggested.
"Oh, $%(&$^," Cid swore. "All right, I guess I'm stuck in this, then. Nobody plays Hanson songs on my radio... and lives!"
"So what's the plan?" Cloud asked nonchalantly.
"First, we've got to warn the other Cids," Aerith said. "But how could we possibly do that?"
"I know!" Caet Sith said, jumping off his moogle and onto the table. "We gotta believe!"
"They live on other worlds, right?" Red XIII said. "Couldn't we build a new rocket in Rocket Town and use it to reach the other worlds?"
"Sounds like a plan," Cloud said with a nod.
"It IS a plan," Caet Sith said.
"By the way, it's your turn," Red said to Tifa. "Are you going to go?"
* * *
Rufus sat at his desk in the Shinra Building, doing paperwork. To alleviate the boredom, he reached for the radio on his desk and turned it on.
"You've just been listening to Hanson's MMMBop. And because WCID is the 100% MMMBop station, back to more MMMBop!"
Suddenly, the door to his office flew open as Reno dived in and shot the radio off Rufus's desk. "What was that for?" Rufus asked as Reno picked himself off the ground.
"We've received lots of reports of that happening, Mr. President," Reno said, smoothing his suit. "Apparently something's been scrambling the airwaves with channel WCID and playing nothing but MMMBop. Not only that, but the radios get locked in the 'on' position."
"Who's behind this?" Rufus demanded. "Cid Highwind?"
"That would be the logical assumption, yes," Reno said. "But our intelligence reports that he hates Hanson... then again, our intelligence reports that about almost every human being. Except Yuffie Kisaragi -- but we're not sure if she meets that 'human' requirement anyway."
Rufus's phone rang. The president of Shinra reached for it. "Watch, I bet it has to do with Cid," Reno said to nobody in particular.
"President Rufus of Shinra," Rufus answered the phone.
"This is Cid Highwind," Cid said. "Somebody's messed up my radio. It's only playing Hanson #$%(* now. We think it's some guy called the Evil Cid, who wants revenge against me and the other Cids. So we're trying to warn them about what he's up to, but we need a rocket to get to the other worlds where the Cids live."
"And this is where I come in," Rufus said.
"Right," Cid agreed. "We need you to fund the rocket construction."
"And what's in it for me?" Rufus asked.
"I'm still thinking about that one," Cid said.
"I'll fund the rocket on one condition," Rufus said. "Sephiroth's ghost has taken over Junon and he's turned it into a 'Jenova World' theme park. You were with me on that Guardian Amulet expedition, so you know about that. If you'll testify in Sephiroth's trial for stealing my city, I'll fund the rocket."
"Is that agreement legal?" Cid asked.
"Do you want the rocket or not?" Rufus snapped.
"Oh... right. Okay, that sounds like a fair deal," Cid said.
* * *
Cid and Shera stood on the launching pad in Rocket Town, supervising the construction of the new Shinra-27. Blue-suited Shinra flunkies scurried around the staging area with rocket parts and building supplies. "The rocket's coming along well," Shera observed.
"This time I really am gettin' out into space," Cid said determinedly.
There was silence for a while, until Cid spoke again. "Shera," he said. "There's something I've wanted to ask you for a long time."
"What's that?" Shera asked.
"Why was there #$&%$!in' gravity in the Shinra-26 when it was out in space?"
"Uh... um... I guess... I don't know," Shera stammered, taken aback.
* * *
"Thank the Planet for strategically inserted asterisks," Caet Sith said as the gang stood in front of the completed Shinra-27 rocket. The new rocket was almost identical to the Shinra-26, except, of course, that it said Shinra-27 on the side.
"The rocket's not very big, so we won't all be able to go," Shera explained. "Cid and I will go by ourselves and come back with the other Cids."
"Just out of curiousity, how did you plan to get back?" Red XIII asked.
There was a pause. "Oh, %$%^)@," Cid said. "I knew something was wrong with this plan. Well, we'll worry about that when the time comes. Nothing's going to stop me from launching my rocket."
Cid confidentally strode into the rocket, followed by Shera. "Hey-hey!" a voice behind them called.
Cid and Shera both turned. Palmer was waddling up the steps to the launching pad. "Oh no, it's old fatman Palmer," Cid said.
"Hey-hey!" Palmer said again. "Rufus sent me to monitor the rocket launch!"
Cid glanced at Shera. "Are we going to take this $%&$% along?"
"Do we really have any choice?" Shera asked. "Shinra IS funding the rocket, after all."
"As Barret would say... damn Shinra..." Cid said, lighting a cigarette. "All right, Palmer. You're on."
Cid, Shera, and Palmer boarded the Shinra-27 rocket. "When's the launch?" Palmer asked.
"Any minute now," Shera answered.
"Captain!" a crew member said urgently over the rocket's intercom. "Somebody's in the engine chamber!"
"Not $&%$^)%^*%in' again!" Cid shouted, kicking the wall. "Who is it?"
There was a pause, then the crew member replied, "It's Biggs, sir."
"He's expendable," Cid declared. "Proceed with the launch."
The rocket shook slightly as the girders holding it dropped down. It then shot into the sky, covering the launching pad in a trail of smoke. "Aieeeee!" Biggs screamed as he was incinerated.
* * *
Evil Cid put down the controller to the spy satellite he was using to keep tabs on the other Cids. Everything was working perfectly. Now was the time to activate the next stage of his plan. Evil Cid strode through the sand to his transmitter and pressed a button on the side.
* * *
Windia Castle, Breath of Fire II...
Nina walked into her younger sister Mina's room. After Deathevn had been defeated, the elders of the Dragon Clan had restored Mina into her human form.
Mina was seated on her bed, watching Eichichi's latest creation, a TV. As Nina came into the room, the TV screen suddenly filled up with static. Moments later, the Pocket Monster Pikachu appeared on the screen and flashed its red eyes. Mina instantly toppled over on her bed.
"Mina? Mina? Are you all right?" Nina asked.
Mina sprung to her feet, glowing blue. She started to grow until she was the same height as her sister. Then she shot a bolt of lightning from her hands at Nina that knocked Nina to the ground. "Fool!" she shouted. "I am not Mina! I am... Evil Nina! Mwah ha ha!"
Mina / Evil Nina raised her hands, transformed into the Great Bird, and flew out the window of her room. "Wait!" Nina shouted as she stumbled back to her feet. "Mina! Come back! What are you doing?"
* * *
Cid, Shera, and Palmer stood in the Shinra-27 watching its progress through space on the autopilot display. "The rocket construction sure went quickly," Shera noted.
"We got a lot of the parts used," Palmer explained. "They were from some space station... the Mir, I think it was called."
There was silence.
"This does not bode well," Cid said.
"I guess we could repair the boding device, then," Palmer said, rubbing his bald head.
"Shut up, you $)&$%in' idiot," Cid snapped.
The entire rocket suddenly shook as a large explosion sounded from below. Smoke began to pour up out of the vents from the engine room. Shera scrambled down the ladder to investigate. One of the oxygen tanks had caught fire -- it was old oxygen tank no. 5. Shera struggled to catch her breath as the room filled with smoke, then hurried back up the ladder. "One of the oxygen tanks blew up," she reported.
"$&%^!" Cid swore.
Palmer pressed the button to turn on the intercom that connected the rocket with the control station. "Uh..." he said hesitantly. "Midgar, we have a problem."
Cid Highwind awoke in a bed somewhere with a throbbing headache. As he looked around, he saw he was in a castle. Shera, apparently unconscious, was in another bed on the other side of the room. "Where the spoony am I?" he asked aloud.
"What kind of idiot would ask rhetorical questions?" somebody said.
Cid looked up. Two people were standing over the bed. One was a heavy-set, bearded, man wearing blue clothes, a blue helmet, and goggles. The other was a thinner guy in a white suit.
"You're awake!" the bearded one said. "Remember me? I'm Cid IV." When Cid Highwind, FF4's Cid, and FF6's Cid had met in the Guardian Amulet adventure, they decided to use Roman numerals after their names to distinguish themselves.
"Oh... yeah," Cid VII said, still half unconscious. "What happened to my rocket?"
"It crashed," Cid IV explained. "In the Kaipo Desert. Luckily, you landed on one of your companions -- the fat one. Otherwise you might have been more seriously injured. As it is, you just suffered a minor blow to the head."
"So I did make it to your world," Cid VII said.
"Yup," Cid IV agreed. "Welcome to Baron Castle."
Cid VII grinned in satisfaction. "I did it!" Then a more serious expression crossed his face. "Is the rocket repairable?"
Cid IV shook his head. "It's totalled. The whole thing exploded when it landed."
Cid VII nodded. "One of the oxygen tanks caught fire."
"Nonsense," the thin man in the suit suddenly interrupted in a whiny voice. "It was hit by a missile."
"A missile?" Cid VII snorted. "Don't be ridiculous!"
"It was a missile, all right," the thin man insisted. "I read it on the Internet. It must be true."
"I was spoony there!" Cid VII exploded. "Besides, who would be shooting missiles at small rockets out in the middle of nowhere in space?"
"The aliens," the man said, talking faster and faster. "The same ones who crashed the spaceship at Agart! They've taken over the government! They abducted my best friend! They -" The man suddenly broke off when Cid VII grabbed a book off the bedside table, sat up, and hit him over the head with it.
Cid VII hopped out of bed. "Spoony," he said. He then shook his head. "Huh? Why did I say that?"
"You were probably trying to swear," Cid IV said. "The laws of physics are different here. If you try to swear, it's somehow censored and changed to 'spoony.'"
"What kind of spoony is that?" Cid VII said. "No, I didn't mean that! Oh, spoony!"
"Don't bother trying to fight it," Cid IV advised. "But you haven't told me yet... what did you come all this way for?"
"Cid, you know anything about an 'Evil Cid' fellow?"
"Evil Cid?" Cid IV repeated. "Can't say that I've heard of him. Who is he?"
"He's some fake Cid or something," Cid VII said. "The spoony took over all the radio stations on my planet and turned them into WCID, which plays nothing but MMMBop spoony. Oh yeah, and he sent me a letter bomb."
"I got a letter bomb a few days ago," Cid IV said quickly. "Evil Cid too?"
"Evil Cid's out for revenge against the other Cids," Cid VII said. "I came here to warn you."
"We'd better get to the other Cids quickly," Cid IV said. "Evil Cid may have sent them bombs too. Follow me." Cid IV started for the stairs.
"What about Shera and fatman Palmer?" Cid VII asked with a nod towards the other bed.
"The fat one's had a concussion," Cid IV said. "He'll be out of action for a while." He then looked at Shera. "She should be recovered pretty soon, though."
The thin man shook off his stunned condition and immediately started talking again. "And they built crop circles! The Tower of Bab-il; they built that too! They're the ones who censor everything we say! It's all a conspiracy!"
"We can pick her up on the way back," Cid IV said.
"Back? Where are we going?" Cid VII asked.
"Follow me," Cid IV urged, running down the stairs.
Cid VII followed him, leaving the thin man ranting at the walls. "The face on the moon! The face on the moon!"
Cid IV lead Cid VII through Baron Castle and out the front gates. He then took Cid VII around behind the castle and into a grassy field. Sitting in the middle of the field was a huge mechanical whale.
Cid IV motioned towards it with an extravagant gesture. "Behold the Big Whale, our spaceship."
"A whale?" Cid VII said. "What kind of a spoony spaceship is that?"
"We didn't exactly have any choice," Cid IV said in an injured tone. "It's our only chance, anyways. I'll get this loaded; you go check on Shera."
* * *
Cid IV paced the Big Whale, waiting for Cid VII. The newest Cid eventually arrived with Shera. "I'll pilot," Cid IV said. "Where to first?"
"I guess we'd better go pick up that loser in a raincoat," Cid VII said.
Cid IV walked to the center of the spaceship and touched the Crystal of Flight. The Big Whale started to levitate and rose from the ground until it passed through the atmosphere and out into space.
While the Big Whale plodded through space towards Cid VI's planet, Cid VII and Shera took a look around the ship. A door in the back of the main room led into the Big Whale's sleeping quarters. Cid VII poked his head into a narrow passage in the back. "Hey," he said. "There's a big fat Chocobo back here. Kinda reminds me of Palmer."
"WARK!" the Chocobo bellowed.
The pair then climbed down a ladder into a wide, dark, room. It was hangar in which was stored Cid IV's airship, the Enterprise. "Preparing for landing," Cid IV said from above. "Please return all seats to the upright position and turn off all portable electronic devices."
Cid VII and Shera returned to the main room of the Big Whale as it landed on the Solitary Island. The two Cids ran out and found Cid VI's tiny hut. Cid IV knocked on the door.
Cid VI opened, peered out, and started in surprise. "Who are you?" he asked.
"Remember us?" Cid IV asked. "I'm Cid IV, and this is Cid VII."
"Oh, the other Cids," Cid VI said, recalling the pair. "What brings you here?"
"Evil Cid," Cid VII said. "He's out for revenge against the other Cids. Did you get a letter bomb?"
"No," Cid VI said. "No, I didn't. But then the carrier pigeons take a long time to get out to this little island."
"It's not raining out, and you were indoors anyway," Cid VII blurted. "So why the #@%*$%$ are you wearing a raincoat?"
Cid VI ignored him. "Am I being recruited here?"
"That's the general idea," Cid IV said. "We've brought my spaceship, the Big Whale. Grab your airship and let's go."
Cid VI cringed and started to fidget nervously.
"You forgot," Cid VII said to Cid IV. "This poser doesn't HAVE an airship... and he calls himself a Cid."
"It's not my fault," Cid VI protested. "I'll see what I can do."
"We'll be waiting for you at the Big Whale," Cid IV said.
"$%*!@ poser," Cid muttered under his breath as Cid VI returned to his hut.
* * *
Cid VI charged up the hill to where the Big Whale was parked, riding in a suit of Magitek Armor. Two Imperial soldiers in more armor followed him.
"What's this?" Cid IV asked.
"Magitek Armor," Cid VI explained somewhat apologetically. "It was the best I could come up with. It's a new model, though -- it can fly. I also brought two friends along." He gestured towards the pair trailing along.
"Hi," said one of the soldiers. "I'm Wedge and this is Biggs, but he goes by Vicks."
"I sure hope we don't die again," Vicks said.
"All right, get on," Cid VII said. "We'll put the Magitek Armor down in the hangar."
Wedge and Vicks took the Magitek Armor to the hangar while the Cids and Shera gathered on the bridge. "All right, next we need to pick up Cid V," Shera said.
"Never met him," Cid VII said.
"We should be able to find him," Cid IV said. He walked to the Crystal of Flight and touched it. The Big Whale took off and flew towards the FF5 world.
"We're out in the vaccuum of space, in a spaceship," Cid VII said to Cid VI. "So WHY THE #$*&$% are you wearing a raincoat?"
"We're here," Cid VI announced as the Big Whale landed near the town of Karnak. The three Cids disembarked, leaving Shera, Wedge, and Vicks behind.
After asking around, the three Cids found their way to the Previas' house. Cid IV knocked on the door, and a short blond kid in glasses answered it. "Hello?" the kid said.
"Uh... does Cid live here?" Cid IV asked.
"Yeah, hang on, I'll get him," the kid said. He disappeared inside the house, and shortly Cid V appeared at the door.
"Cid Previa," Cid V introduced himself. "What can I do for you?"
"I'm Cid Highwind," Cid VII said. "Cid VII. These are Cid IV and Cid VI. We're the other Cids. You would be Cid V."
"Pleased to meet you," Cid V said, shaking hands with the other Cids.
"No fair," Cid VI said. "You have a last name."
"Maybe if you took off that raincoat, you'd get one," Cid VII snapped.
"Do you know about Evil Cid?" Cid IV asked. Cid V shook his head. "He's a renegade Cid that's out for revenge against us and the other Cids. We're trying to gather up all the Cids to defeat him."
"All right, count me in," Cid V said. "Can I bring Mid along, too?"
"Mid?" Cid VI asked.
"He's my grandson," Cid V said. "He's a Cid-in-Training."
"All right, bring him along," Cid VII said.
Cid V turned inside the house. "Mid!" he called. The short blonde kid returned to the doorway. "Mid, these are the other Cids -- Cid VII, Cid VI, and Cid IV. They need our help to defeat the Evil Cid."
"All right," Mid said. "Let's go."
"Just who is this Evil Cid guy, anyway?" Cid V asked.
Cid VII scratched his head. "Now that you mention it, I never bothered to find out."
"Hang on," Cid V said. "I'll find out." He ran off and returned several minutes later carrying a turtle tucked under one arm.
"This better be important," Sage Ghido said.
"We just have one question for you," Cid V said. "Who is Evil Cid?"
"He's really Cid I," Sage Ghido said. "Except that there is no Cid I. He got cut, you see, and now he's out for revenge."
* * *
The Big Whale landed near the town of Canaan. The ever-increasing group of Cids disembarked and entered the town. They soon located the residence of Cid III.
"What can I do for you?" Cid III asked.
"We're the other Cids," Cid IV greeted. "I'm Cid IV, these are Cids, V, VI, and VII, and you're Cid III. Cid I's turned evil, and we need your help to stop him."
Cid III paused to digest this information. "Oh. Okay. All right, then."
"You didn't get any suspicious mail, did you?" Cid IV asked.
"No, can't say that I did," Cid III replied.
"Must be the crappy technology they have here," Cid VII said. "You people have cable yet?"
"Huh?" Cid III asked.
"Didn't think so," Cid VII said half to himself. Then another thought occured to him. "You DO have an airship, don't you?"
"Of course," Cid III said indignantly. "All Cids do."
"Hey," Cid VI protested.
"In fact we have several," Cid III said. "The -"
"We?" Cid VII cut in. "Do you have a split personality or something?"
Cid III ignored him. " - Enterprise, the Nautilus, the Invincible.."
"Hey, the Enterprise is MY airship," Cid IV said. "I'm suing."
"You have three airships?" Cid VI asked. "Can I have one? PLEEEEEASE?"
"Stop whining," Cid VII said, pulling the hood of Cid VI's raincoat down over his face. "You don't get an airship until you take off that damn raincoat."
"Stop arguing!" Cid V shouted, holding his head. "I thought we were after Evil Cid! We've got to hurry to make sure Cid II doesn't get a bomb."
"I thought Cid II was dead," Cid III said.
"Hmmm... that's right," Cid IV said.
"Let's go to his world anyway," Cid VII said. "Maybe they've appointed a new Cid."
* * *
The Big Whale landed near the town of Poft. The five Cids got off and entered the town. "This is where the old Cid lived," Cid III said. "Maybe somebody knows something about there being a new Cid."
Cid VII grabbed a passing citizen. "Hey, you!" he said. "You know if there's a new Cid?"
"A new Cid?" the citizen said. "What was wrong with the old one?"
"I thought he was dead," Cid VII said.
"Nope," the citizen said. "He's still alive. He was wounded in the war, but he's still alive."
"Oh," Cid VII said as the citizen passed on. The Cids poked around town until they found Cid II's house.
Cid IV knocked on the door. Cid II peered out. "Yeah?" he asked. "What do you want?"
"Are you Cid?" Cid IV asked.
"That's me," Cid II said. "Wait, I think I know who you are. You're probably the other Cids."
"Uh... yeah, as a matter of fact, we are," Cid VII said, taken aback.
Cid II opened the door fully and stepped onto the doorstep. "Why am I last?" Cid II he snapped. "Is it just 'cause I'm 8-bit? Is that it?"
"I didn't say that, I -" Cid VII started.
"Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinkin'!" Cid II snapped. "You're thinkin' that Cid II ain't a real Cid 'cause he doesn't have those fancy pol-ee-gons. Well, I've got more Cid in my little fingers than all you youngsters do put together!"
"We were just -"
"You probably thought I was dead too, didn't you? Takes more than a bunch of Imperial flunkies to stop the likes of me! Why, one time back in the summer of '42 I -"
"Are you #$%@#$in' coming with us or not?" Cid VII asked irritably.
"Come with you? Why would I come with you when you're swearing like that? Someone should wash your mouth out with soap, young man! That's the problem with kids these days. Got no respect for their elders!"
"But Cid I's gone berserk!" Cid VII protested. "He's turned into Evil Cid, and he's taken over all the radio stations and -"
"Eh? Radio stations?" Cid II said. "What are those? Is that another one of your new-fangled inventions? Limit Breaks, Materia, it's all a load of rubbish! Back in the good old days, all I had was a dagger and a Fire 1 spell, and I was dang pleased to have 'em!"
"We've got to stop him!" Cid VII continued. "And the only way is if all of us Cids unite."
"And we didn't have any call spells either!" Cid II continued. "Knights of the Round... hmph! You kids are just spoiled rotten. In my day, it took actual skill to beat a boss! Actual skill, y'hear?"
Cid IV calmly rapped Cid II on the head with his hammer, knocking #2 out. "I hate to do that, but what other choice did we have?"
"I'll go find his airship," Cid V said. "Meet you back at the Big Whale."
* * *
When the Cids to the Big Whale, they found three similar-looking girls with wings. "Are you the Cids?" one of them asked.
"That's us," Cid VII said. "Uh, except for that #$%*in' fellow in the raincoat."
"Hey!"
"We're the Ninas. I'm Nina II, and these are Nina I and Nina III. We're looking for Evil Nina."
"Evil Nina?" Cid VII repeated.
"It seems to be spreading," Cid IV observed.
"Evil Nina has teamed up with a fellow named Evil Cid," Nina III explained. "We thought that since Evil Nina was trying to get revenge on us, Evil Cid might be after you Cids."
"Damn right he is," Cid VII said. "He's replaced all the radio stations with his 24-hour MMMBop $%@&$%."
"Why?" Nina I asked, puzzled.
"Why?" Cid VII repeated. "He's one of those crazed evil maniac type people! He doesn't need a #$)%(*$%in' reason! Unless it was some kind of trap... designed... to.. lure... us... to him..." His voice trailed off and he stared blankly ahead, thinking.
"I smell evil," Cid VI said.
"No, you smell terrible," Cid VII said, cracking up.
"Shut up, Cid VII," Cid III said.
"So now what are we going to do?" Cid IV asked.
"We don't have any choices," Cid VII said. "Trap or not, he's playing Hanson music on the radio. It's a crime against all of humanity. We must stop him."
An airship landed behind the group with Cid V on deck. "I found Cid II's airship," he reported.
"Thanks for pointing that out," Cid VI said.
"Stop trying to be #@$%@ funny," Cid VII said. "And take off that raincoat."
"That's Cid V," Cid IV introduced his fellow Cid. "Cid V, these are the Ninas: Nina I, Nina II, and Nina III. They're in pursuit of Evil Nina, who's teamed up with Evil Cid."
"Oh," Cid V said. "Okay."
"Don't stop to try to understand the storyline," Cid IV said. "It's just a waste of time. C'mon, let's get going. Next stop, Cid I's world!"
* * *
"Cid?" Evil Nina asked Evil Cid. The pair were in Evil Cid's laboratory-under-construction
"Yeah?" Evil Cid asked. "What?"
"We've stunned the greater part of the population of the universe with Pikachu broadcasts," Evil Nina mused. "Why stop with just the Cids and Ninas? Nobody can stop us!"
"Hmmm..." Evil Cid considered the idea. "That's an awfully devious, underhanded, diabolical plot. Sounds good to me!"
Suddenly, a huge mechanical whale descended from the sky. The whale hovered in mid-air and deployed four airships and several flying suits of Magitek Armor. On board the fleet stood the Cids, Mid, the Ninas, Vicks, Wedge, and Shera.
"Stop right there, Evil Cid!" Cid III shouted.
"I've been expecting you," Evil Cid sneered.
"Wouldn't want to disappoint you, then," Mid said as Vicks tried to lock a missile on Evil Cid.
Evil Cid reached behind his radio transmitter and grabbed a bazooka. He fired it at Vicks's hovering Magitek armor. "Oh, no, not again," Vicks muttered. He tried to pilot his armor out of the way, but while he was fiddling with the controls, the bazooka shell struck the front of the armor and exploded, destroying the Magitek Armor and Vicks.
"Pathetic fools!" Evil Cid. "I am the real Cid! Did you really think you could stop me by cutting me from the game! Impostors! I am the real Cid! Now we shall see who really deserves to be a Cid!"
"Not him," Cid VII muttered, jerking a thumb towards Cid VI.
"Don't people like him usually belong in padded cells?" Cid III said.
"Bad guys always explain their plans," Cid IV whispered. "Let's get him while he's talking."
"You're already too late," Evil Cid continued his rant, apparently unaware of the airships that were landing on all sides of him. "My broadcast scramblers have paralyzed the populace of the galaxy! You are powerless to stop me!"
Evil Cid suddenly found Cid VII's spear pointed at his throat. "Yeah?" Cid VII said. "You and whose army?"
"This army!" Evil Nina said, stepping forward. She raised both her hands and cast a spell. Hundreds of purple stars spun out from her hands and settled down over the desert. Where each star landed, a violet-colored Moogle rose from the ground.
"Moogles?" Cid V said in surprise.
One Moogle, who was wearing a Burger King crown, stepped forward. "We are the Evil Moogles," he said in a raspy voice. "We have come to seek vengeance for the eradication of our species by the Chocobos."
The Moogles rushed towards the party of Cids and Ninas. As pike-wielding Moogles swarmed around his feet, Cid VII turned from Evil Cid and cast a Comet 2 spell. Asteroids rained down from the sky, pelting the Evil Moogles, but they continued their attack.
"In my day, only MAGIC USERS could use magic!" Cid II shouted as he kicked an approaching Moogle onto its back. "Yessiree bob, you were darned lucky if you could cast magic when I was a young 'un. If you were a fighter - ha! You couldn't magic a rock down a hill!"
Cid VI fired a barrage of TekMissiles at the Moogles that were attacking him as he tried to wade through the tide of Moogles towards Evil Cid. Nina II cast Typhoon on a band of Evil Moogles, sweeping them away. Meanwhile, Evil Cid and Evil Nina were dragging the broadcast scrambler towards the mountains.
"They're getting away!" Nina I said as she ran a Moogle through with her rapier. She transformed into her bird form and flew over the Moogle hordes after the fleeing duo.
Evil Nina changed into her own bird form and spiraled up to block Nina I. Meanwhile, Evil Cid was pressing some buttons on the broadcast scrambler, which was pointed towards the battle. "Prepare for impact, troops!" he shouted as the device's built-in monitor came on.
The Evil Moogles all shut their eyes tight and turned away from the scrambler. Pikachu appeared on the monitor and flashes his red eyes at the Cids and Ninas. All of them had seizures and collapsed to the ground. "Oops," Evil Cid cackled. "My bad." He pressed another button and the monitor switched off.
The Moogles, all carefully avoiding eye contact with Pikachu, opened their eyes. They picked up the stunned Cids and Ninas and carried them towards the mountains.
* * *
Yuffie slid open the doors of the Highwind's meeting room. "Guys?" she asked. "I'm feeling airsick again. Can I turn on the radio? MMMBop usually makes me feel better."
"Guys?" Yuffie repeated, peering into the meeting room. Cloud, Tifa, Aerith, Barret, Red XIII, Caet Sith, and Vincent were all lying unconscious on the floor in front of the TV. "Guys?"
Yuffie looked around the room. "I guess they won't mind if I turn on the radio, then."
* * *
When Cid VII recovered from his seizure, he found himself hanging upside down from a chain inside a cave. He looked around and saw that the other members of the party were in a similar predicament. More importantly, there was a pool of lava underneath him. By craning his neck, Cid saw Evil Cid, Evil Nina, and some Evil Moogles loading the broadcast scrambler onto Evil Cid's airship.
Cid VII looked up. There was some sort of pulley system on the ceiling that was holding the chains up. It was obviously rigged to drop them in the lava after a certain amount of time, which was being displayed on a LED panel on the side of the pulley device. The clock read 5:00.
Evil Cid laughed, well, evily. "I hope you weren't planning anything for the rest of the afternoon," he chuckled. "It looks like you'll just be hanging around, heh heh. That is, until you're dropped into the lava in five minutes."
"@#$(*$%!" Cid VII swore. "Why not just kill us right now instead of coming up with some $%$@! elaborate plan like this that just gives us a chance to escape?"
Evil Cid produced a worn yellow book from his coat and thumbed through it. "World Conquest for Dummies: A Reference For the Rest of Us, Chapter 13. Under no circumstances should you attempt to kill heroes directly. Always use the most elaborate method possible to kill the heroes, preferably one involving a bomb or other device equipped with a digital readout that counts down the exact amount of time left until the heroes die. Remember, the heroes always need some roundabout way of escaping, but don't let them know -- just laugh evily about it and leave them to their demise."
Evil Cid closed up the book and put it back in his coat. "Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got world domination to attend to. Have a nice day!" He, Evil Nina, and the Moogles boarded the airship, which Evil Cid had converted into a spaceship.
"Back in my day, we only died when we ran out of hit points!" Cid II shouted at him as Evil Cid turned the igntion. "All these new-fangled traps and whatnot, it's too much for me!"
Evil Cid's airship rose up through a hole in the ceiling of the cave, then it turned off and took off into space.
There was a brief silence, until Cid VII spoke. "Cid VI," he addressed his comrade. "We're about to be dunked into a lava pit, and you're still wearing a #%*$&% raincoat! SO JUST #$%&$%IN' TAKE IT OFF! NOW!!!!
"There's got to be some way out of here," Nina III said.
"Better hurry," Mid said, looking up at the clock. "We've only got 4 minutes left."
"Hey, that's still 3 minutes and 59 seconds to spare," Cid III said.
By leaning forward, Shera managed to get her chain to swing in that direction. She then leaned back and the chain swung in the opposite direction. She continued to lean back and forth until the chain was swinging back and forth a good distance.
2 and a half minutes...
As the chain swung towards the wall, Shera grabbed a handhold on it and waited for the chain to stop shaking. She then started to climb up the wall.
2 minutes...
When Shera reached the top of the wall, she grabbed a handhold on the pulley and reached over to the LED panel, which now read 1:45. "I can just reach the controls," she reported.
"Good," Cid VII said. "Now #$%*in' get us down from here."
1 and a half minutes...
Shera examined the pulley controls. There were two wires hanging from the LED panel, one red and one blue. "There's two wires," she reported. "Looks like I'm going to have cut one of them... which one?"
1 minute...
Shera fumbled in her lab coat for a pair of pliers. "Red or blue? Which should I pick?" she wondered.
45 seconds...
"Does anybody ever pick the wrong one?" Cid IV asked rhetorically.
30 seconds...
Shera tried to trace the wires through the device, but they disappeared inside the LED panel. Their function was unknown.
20 seconds...
"I'll try the blue one," Shera said nervously.
15 seconds...
Shera cut the blue wire with the pliers. There was a clinking sound and the chain holding Wedge opened up. With a despairing cry, Wedge plummeted into the lava.
5 seconds...
"I guess there's a first time for everything," Cid IV said with a shrug.
3 seconds...
Shera cut the red wire. A slight rumble emitted from the LED panel, and then the countdown stopped at 0:01. "It's stopped," Shera announced.
"Great," Nina II said. "Now how are we going to get down from here?"
"I think there's a switch up here that will open the chains," Shera said, examining the panel.
"Don't press it!" Cid III shouted. "We'll all just fall into the lava."
"I wasn't going to," Shera said.
"Hold on," Nina I said. She shifted in her chain and began to shimmer. Her form shifted into that of a bird. "All right, let me go, she said."
Shera studied the switches carefully, then flicked the one corresponding to Nina I's chain. The chain opened up and dropped Nina towards the lava. Nina quickly flew back up into the air and positioned herself under Nina II. "All right, drop me," Nina II said. Shera did. Nina II fell onto Nina I's back, and Nina I ferried her out of the cave. She then returned for the next trip.
* * *
When Nina I had transported the whole group outside the cave, the Cids started to look around for any sign of Evil Cid. "He's definitely hit the road," Cid V said.
"And he's taken that #$%&$% scrambler with him," Cid VII said.
"He didn't say where he was going, did he?" Mid asked.
"Nope," Cid III said. "We'd better just take a guess."
"Let's go back to my world first," Cid VII said. "I want to pick up my airship."
* * *
Evil Cid, Evil Nina, and the moogles got off the Ropeway at the Gold Saucer. The usual people in Chocobo suits were gone. As they stepped towards the entrance, the receptionist greeted them. "Welcome to the Gold Saucer."
Evil Cid turned to Kustig, the Burger King crown-wearing leader of the Evil Moogles and snapped his fingers. Kustig ran the receptionist through with his pike.
The group continued on into the Gold Saucer. The Station Square was deserted. Evil Cid put his goggles on and hopped down the chute leading to the Battle Square, and the others followed him.
Evil Cid looked around the Battle Square. Everyone was lying unconscious on the floor. Pikachu was flashing his red eyes on the monitors. "Put your goggles on," he said. Evil Nina and the Moogles all put on dark goggles and proceeded into the room.
Evil Cid turned to his moogle troops. "You know the plan, Kustig," he said. "Get moving."
"Yes, sir!" Kustig said, saluting. "Kupo!" He and the other Moogles hurried out of the room.
Evil Cid walked into Dio's showroom and carefully searched the room. He eventually found what he was looking for: a big red button labeled "Please do not press this button. Thank you." Evil Cid grinned evily and pushed it.
* * *
After the 33rd straight iteration of MMMBop, Yuffie was feeling much better. "I wonder what's on TV," she said aloud. Yuffie walked over to the TV and flipped it on. Pikachu popped up and flashed his eyes.
Yuffie stared at it for a while, unaffected by its evil power. "Boring," she said. She changed the channel, but Pikachu was on every channel. Disgusted, she turned off the TV.
Yuffie picked up the TV Guide and looked at it. "What's going on here?" she wondered. "What happened to Chocobo Joe's Cartoon Fun Hour?"
Suddenly, a spear flew across the room, piercing the TV Guide and knocking it out of Yuffie's hands. Yuffie whirled as Cid VII entered the room and raised her hands innocently. "I didn't do anything!" she said. "I don't know what happened!"
"Then what happened to them?" Cid VII asked, looking at the unconscious FF7 characters.
"You call that a party?" Cid II snorted. "What kind of characters are those? A dumb-looking cat on a fat moogle? Some weird dog critter? Count Dracula? Where are the black mages with the pointy yellow hats? Where are -" Cid III clamped his hand over Cid II's mouth to shut him up.
"I don't know," Yuffie said to Cid VII. "Really, I don't! I was in the engine room as usual, and when I walked in here, everybody was just lying on the floor!"
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