Video Game-a-Minute

By Princess Artemis

With profuse apologies to the cool dudes at Rinkworks, and thanks to the denizens of The Spoony Bard for the idea. Thanks also to Alhazred for help! There be spoilers in here!

Final Fantasy

Fighter

There's a plot?

(They do lots of STUFF.)

The End

Final Fantasy IV

Cecil

I'm a dark knight, but I really should be a Paladin.

Kain

I'm a dragoon in love with Cecil's girlfriend. I'm being manipulated by Golbez.

Golbez

I'm Cecil's brother. I'm being manipulated by Zeromus.

(Cecil BECOMES a Paladin and MEETS many strange PEOPLE.)

Edward

I'm a spoony bard!

Zeromus

I'm evil!

The End

Final Fantasy V

Galuf

I forget.

Faris

I'm a girl, arrr.

Reina

I am too.

Bartz

I'm boring.

All

Let's go save the world from an over-grown tree!

(They do.)

The End

Final Fantasy VI

Terra

I forgot everything.

(Some STUFF occures, and more PARTY MEMBERS are added.)

Kefka

Let's see what happens when I rearrange these goddesses!

(The WORLD goes BOOM.)

Celes

What a nightmare. I should go find my friends.

(She does)

Terra

Let's go beat up Kefka!

Kefka

You are worse than a self-help book!

Terra

We're gonna kill you!

(They do.)

The End

Final Fantasy VII

Cloud

I don't care.

(Lots of STUFF happens.)

Cloud

I guess I do care after all.

The End

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

Cloud

I want to be alone.

(Lots of FANSERVICE happens.)

Cloud

I guess I don't want to be alone after all.

The End

Final Fantasy VIII

Squall

...whatever.

Laguna

Everything revolves around me!

(Kiros SMACKS Laguna upside the head.)

(Lots of REALLY BORING stuff happens.)

Rinoa

Squall! Save me!

(He does.)

Rinoa

Squall! Save me!

(He does.)

Rinoa

Squall! Save me!

(He does.)

Ultimecia

I will take over the world!

(She FAILS due to SeeDs SWARMING akross time like lokusts.)

Zell

Oo! Hot dogs!

The End

Final Fantasy IX

Zidane

I'm a monkey. Love me!

Vivi

Umm...O-Okay...maybe we don't exist...

Kuja

I don't know what I am, but I know I'm beautiful! I think I'll destroy the world!

(He FAILS.)

Necron

Nobody knows who or what I am! I'll try to kill you for no reason anyway!

(He FAILS.)

All

That's a heck of a lot of Vivis...

The End

Final Fantasy X

Yunalesca

Spira stands for "Spiral of Death".

Maechen

God is a dead parasitic tick that had everyone fooled into worshiping him. Gosh, Organized Religion is Bad!

Tidus

Is everyone in this game dead?!

Auron

Close enough.

The End

Final Fantasy X-2

Yuna

I'm looking for him.

(Lots of REALLY RANDOM and BORING stuff happens.)

Yuna

I found him!

Tidus

I have a name, you know.

Players

99%?!

(The PLAYERS throw their PS2s ACROSS the ROOM)

The End

Final Fantasy Tactics

Ramza

Organized religion is Bad.

(Many people DIE.)

Ramza

See? I told you so.

The End

Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced

Marche

Wait a minute! This isn't the real world!

Players

Crap! I ran out of batteries again!

The End

The Legend of Zelda

Link

Triforce of Wisdom pieces? Got it.

Ganon

Growl, snort!

(Link DEFEATS Ganon)

The End

The Legend of Zelda: The Adventure of Link

Link

Triforce of Courage? Got it.

Ganon

Growl, snort! (I'm not in this game?)

(Link DOESN'T DEFEAT Ganon)

The End

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Link

The whole Triforce? Got it.

Ganon

Growl, snort!

(Link DEFEATS Ganon)

The End

The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time

Link

Try to keep Ganondorf away from the Triforce? Got it.

Ganondorf

Ha ha! I got the Triforce! But wait, it split into three!

Link

Whoops.

Ganon

Growl, snort!

(Link DEFEATS Ganon)

Zelda

I got to do something this time! About time, too, what with the games being called The Legend of ZELDA and all.

The End

The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

Link

What do you mean this whole game never happened?

Ganon

Growl, snort! (I'm not in this game?)

(Link DOESN'T DEFEAT Ganon)

The End

The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

Link

Triforce of Courage pieces? Got it.

Ganon

Growl, snort! (I'm not in this game?)

(Link DOESN'T DEFEAT Ganon)

Ganondorf

But I am!

(Link DEFEATS Ganondorf)

Zelda

I got to do something again, weee!

The End

Kingdom Hearts

Players

Whoa, Disney and Square on crack! Hey, it's good crack, too!

The End

Kingdom Hearts II

Players

DIE JIMINEY CRICKET DIE!!!

The End

Katamari Damacy

King of All Cosmos

Our package is bigger than Russia. How disturbing.

Players

Na na nanana na na na na na na naaa....

The End

We ♥ Katamari

King of All Cosmos

Everyone loves Us! But Our Queen made Us wear less revealing clothing. We don't get it.

Players

Na na nanana na na na na na na naaa....

The End

Xenogears

Fei

I forget. I hate Gears and fighting.

Citan

I know everything. Now I am going to orchestrate events just like I want. Fei is *going* to get in that Gear and he is going to like it!

(Many EVENTS occur, party members JOIN after each one tries to KILL Fei.)

Fei

I still forget.

Citan

Do not drink the water. And definately do not eat the food.

(Fei REMEMBERS.)

Fei

Crap, I wish I still had amnesia. My life sucks.

(More EVENTS occur while Citan EXPLAINS them in front of a large CANVAS in a very BORING fashion.)

Fei

Let's go kill god.

(They do. Krellian practices VENTRILOQUISM while saying many DEEP and PROFOUND things. Somehow Fei and Elly FIND clothing to WEAR before returning to the planet BELOW.)

The End

Xenosaga Episode I

Shion Uzuki

No, I'm not related to Citan. But I'm a really good stewardess!

(A lot of really BORING STUFF happens.)

KOS-MOS

There will be a sequel, Shion. I need to be clean.

The End

Xenosaga Episode II

Jin Uzuki

No, I'm not related to Citan. Seriously.

(A lot of really CONFUSING STUFF happens.)

Jr.

It's all about me, baby.

Albedo

Rubedo! Rubedo!

chaos

I'm not Jesus. Or am I...?

KOS-MOS

There will be a sequel, Shion. I want my original voice actor back.

The End

Xenosaga Episode III

Jin Uzuki

No, I'm not related to Citan. Seriously. Why won't anyone believe me?

(A lot of really CONFUSING STUFF happens.)

Xenogears

Hey, stop ripping me off!

Shion Uzuki.

It's all about me. ME ME MEMEMEMEMEME!! WAIL ANGST MOAN WAIL!

Allen

HA, I told you all I'm not useless!

chaos

I'm not Jesus. Or am I...?

KOS-MOS

There will be a sequel, Shion. Except no one will make it now.

Players

But...I don't get it!

The End

Castlevania: Symphony of the Night

Richter Belmont

My voice actor is so bad it destroys men's souls!

Dracula

I agree! Have at you!

(They FIGHT, and Dracula LOSES.)

Alucard

My voice actor is little better than Belmont's.

Dracula

I agree, my son!

(They FIGHT, and Dracula LOSES.)

Players

At least we didn't have to listen to them talk too much.

The End

Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow

Soma Cruz

I'm not Dracula! I'm not I'm not I'm not!

Gendo Arikado

Yeah, and I'm not Alucard.

Soma Cruz

Uh...guess I was wrong about that Dracula thing...

The End

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

Soma Cruz

Not again! I'm not Dracula!

Gendo Arikado

I am Alucard this time.

Soma Cruz

Uh...guess I was wrong about that Dracula thing...again...

The End

Metal Gear Solid

Solid Snake

Damn! Meryl!

Revolver Ocelot

Yes, there will be a sequel, Mr. President.

The End

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty

Solid Snake

What do you mean I'm only playable for the first ten minutes!? I'm the hero of the game!

Raiden

I'm a bishounen.

Players

Ugh, we're stuck with HIM? We want to play as Solid Snake! ...Wait...this is just like Metal Gear Solid...

Iriquois Pliskin

Shh...don't tell anyone, but I'm Solid Snake.

Rose

Blah blah blah whine blah whine whine blah blah...

Emma Emmerich

(She is Otacon's STEP-SISTER.)

I'm a cheap rip-off of Naomi! I hate you Otacon! Marry me!

Otacon

Sorry E.E....I was boinking your mom. Aren't we an incestous bunch?

Raiden

Wow, this is just like Metal Gear Solid!

Colonel

This is just like Metal Gear Solid.

Solidus Snake

Gah! This is just like Metal Gear Solid!

Liquid Snake

There will be a sequel, brother!

The End

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

Naked Snake

Ooo, raw food! Tasty!

Ocelot

MEOW! Hey, look at my neat little hand gesture thing!

Naked Snake

Sequels? Of course, this is a prequel, idiot.

The End

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

Carth Onasi

You can't trust anyone.

Player Character

(The PLAYER reaches the MID-POINT of the GAME)

Well THAT was a fine how do you do!!

Carth Onasi

Told you so.

The End

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords

Kreia

(EVERYTHING Kreia SAYS is completely NONSENSICAL.)

Atton

I killed her because I loved her.

Mira

I love my targets.

Darth Sion

I hate you because you are beautiful to me.

Darth Nihilus

Szzswsszzss wssxxzssffszz.

Darth Traya

I use the Force because I hate it.

Player Character

Gah, it's not just Kreia that makes no sense! And why does it always come back to Revan? I'M the main character here!!

Obsidian Entertainment

It's not our fault! We were rushed!

Players

Bull. It still wouldn't have made any sense.

Kreia

(STILL not making ANY SENSE right up to the END, which includes FLOATING PINK BANTHAS LIGHTSABERS.)

The End

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