Cid Gets His Tea: The MST

by Loneeagle

Author of MST's note: Whee! I actually got permission for that one. As usual everything is copyright their respective creators, and I did this all meself.

(Theme song)

In the semi-distant future
about a week or two
Bill Gates hatched an evil plan
And this is what he'd do.

"I'll pick four people at random
Send them into the net...
Give them awful things to read
the worst things I can get."

So the four unhappy victims
are in the Satelite of Gloom
Reading bad stories
and planning Gates' doom...

Later on he'd add one more
because of mail someone sent
Now Aren joined the crew
And promptly told Gates to "Get bent!"

RSTer(Reports Science Theatre) Roll Call

Juuhachi: Rapiers are cool!
Red: Drat....
Xan: You Are Obsolete!
Loneeagle: This doth suckith verily.
Aren: Just smile and nod

((On the Satelite of Gloom, in the Virtual Recreation room as usual))

(A small screen displays what's going on: Ultimate Marvel Versus Cidfighter Suppa dimension hyper combo alpha 4)

(On the one side of the arena are the Cids, and on the other is a Virtual Bill Gates)

Announcer: Round one.... Fight!

(In the stands are the RST crew)

Loneeagle: Kick his butt!
Xan: Bow Down!
Aren: Beat the crap outta him!
Red: This oughta be good.

(The Cids rush Gates and perform an Ultra dual shock mega finishing deathblow on him, and he dies.)

All: WOO!

(The scene disappears and a monitor pops up with Bill Gates on it)

BG: Having fun?
Aren: Off course!
BG: whatever, just don't go and blow up the room again. Anyway, head to the bridge, I have another fic and guest star for you.

(Everyone heads up to the SOG bridge)

Xan: So, what do we have this time?
BG: An interesting challenge. You have to MST a well-written fic.
Red: That's impossible....
Aren: Yeah, that's an Oxymoron, Good fic MSTed.
BG: Exactly, this'll drive you insane. Anyway, you're special guest star happens to be the author of the Fic herself, Princess Artemis.

((A bright flash of light occurs and A woman stands there in a Citan-ish costume))

Princess Artemis: Where am I?
Juuhachi: Definitely not Oz...
BG: Anyway, get in there!

(Sirens blare)

All: We've got good-fic!

(They head into the theatre)

Door Sequence!

6:(It's a bank vault door, Being the suave, debonair, Cold war spy that he is, Aren romances the nearby female guard to let them in.)
5:(Its a door, but Vegita's in the way. Juuhachi beats the spoony out of him, and they walk through)
4:(There's a Nali patrolling the area, So Xan Headshots him with the sniper rifle and the group proceeds on)
3:(It's a blackboard. Red solves an equasion, and the door opens.)
2:(It's a waterfall, Loneeagle transforms as he walks through, and blows the waterfall up.)
1:(There's a large man in front of the door, so Princess Artemis turns him into a white stag and he runs away)

>Cid Gets His Tea

Princess Artemis: Cid is my Hero!

>By Princess Artemis

Loneeagle: An artist with the typed word.

> Square stuff © Square, various and sundry brand names © who ever owns ‘em, all shamelessly >pilfered…hmm…parody is fair use…the rest is © S.D.Green

Aren: (Yuffie) Pilfering.... GOOD!

>It all started so innocently, as these things tend to do.

Juuhachi: And then it turned into a lemon.

>All he wanted was a nice, warm cup of tea. Where is the challenge in this?

Xan: Well, if he needed to quest for the holy teapot of randomness, it would be a challenge

>Is this a quest fraught with danger?

Red: Oh yeah. Nothing's ever easy in my world.

>Is it too much to

Loneeagle: Fill in the line!
Princess Artemis: Smoke!
Xan: Drink!
Aren: Eat!
Red: Think?
Juuhachi: hire one of Barret's women!

>ask?

Princess Artemis: And ye shall recieve.

>Cid Highwind didn’t think so,

Aren: And that's the bottom line! 'Cause Cid Highwind Thought so!

>but, as it turns out,

Xan: Random things happened that made him swear off tea and cigarettes.

>The Fates had other ideas…

Juuhachi: (Fate) What do we want to do?

>"Where’s the %^&*$# tea?"

Red: Wow, Shera's in a hurry. Cid must be almost awake.

>Cid shouted as he slammed the last cabinet shut.

Loneeagle: On his finger.
Juuhachi: (Cid) @#%$!@#%!@%!@$%!@#$%

>He had successfully ransacked the kitchen,

Xan: And for that he gained a Level!

>leaving a trail of destruction of such enormous proportions

Juuhachi: That you'd think that he and Shera got it on in there.

>that it could only be compared to the desperate acts of

Princess Artemis: An SI fanfic writer introducing his character.

>a couch potato

Red: (Dan Quayle) Potatoe!
Aren: Now spell tomato Mr. Quayle...
Red: (Dan Quayle) Tomatoe!
Princess Artemis: I've heard of Couch PotatoEs, but I like Welcome PotatoEs better.

>in search of the elusive remote.

Loneeagle: (Husband) Where's the remote?!
Juuhachi: (Wife) it's in the minefield dear...
Loneeagle: (Husband) Duh okay!
Princess Artemis: The Search for the remote. A new add on Fic in Shera's Kitchen.

>Shera rolled her eyes.

Xan: (Cid) Damn woman! Keep your eyes in your head!

>"You used the last of it this morning," she pointed out.

Juuhachi: (Shera) Get out Cid! I'm not properly dressed.
Xan: (Cid) Does it matter Shera? We're married after all.
Juuhachi: (Shera) oh, I forgot. Give me some sugar baby!
Xan: (Cid) That's my girl!

>"I remember vividly the curses you made

Princess Artemis: Cid's so cool he can make up his own curses!

>and the oaths you swore

Loneeagle: Oath time!
Xan: By the Hoary hosts of Haggaroth!
Aren: In the name of the lady.... I will punish you!
Juuhachi: In Vecna's name!
Princess Artemis: By the power of the holy Hand Grenade of antioch!
Red: By the planet I shall avenge thee!

>because you were going to have to go

Aren: (Shera) To bed without any smokes or Tea!
Red: (Cid) @#%@!#%!@#$%#^#!!

>to the store and get some."

Loneeagle: (Shera as Ash from ED) Go get some!

>Cid turned away and gave Shera a sidewards glance,

Juuhachi: (Shera) I don't need this glance, Besides, it's pretty pansy.

>muttering and sulking in that way he had

Red: Seen Vincent properly mutter and sulk.

>whenever he knew Shera was right about something

Xan: (Cid) Which doesn't happen much mind you. Just that tank number 8 and now this.

>stupid and he didn’t want to admit it.

Princess Artemis: Men never do.

>"But I want some tea…," he whined.

Aren: And I want it now!

>Shera giggled and said, "Then go get some!"

Red: (Cid) Thank you Professor Redundant.

>"Why won’t you go?" Cid asked.

Loneeagle: (Shera) Because the fic is called Cid gets his tea Doofus. If I got it, then the name would have to change.

>"I’m not the one addicted to caffeine!

Aren: Caffene.... GOOD!

>It’s ten at night, and I’m all ready

Juuhachi: (Shera) Now get back in bed big boy! But I get to use the whip tonight!

>in my jammies.

Red: Jammies? I doubt anyone would say Jammies anymore.
Xan: True... True.

>You want it,

Juuhachi: Wow, this one's just too easy... I'll leave it alone.
Princess Artemis: ::sighs::

>you go."

Xan: Go Cid, Go Cid! It's your birthday!

>"I have a headache," Cid countered.

Princess Artemis: (Shera) That's what you said last time Cid, Is everything okay?

>Shera put her hands on her hips and tilted her head just so. "Are you threatening me?"

Juuhachi: (Shera) I am the great Cornholio! Are you threatening me?!

>Cid jerked his head in surprise. "Huh?" he asked.

Loneeagle: (Cid) Duh...
Xan: (Cid) Buh...
Aren: (Cid) Blargh...

>"Threatening to complain all night. All that’ll get you is grounded

Red: Which would be handy if He's hit by a bolt spell.

>and kicked outta bed.

Xan: (Cid) I'll be good dammit!

>I ain’t getting’ the tea," Shera responded darkly.

Juuhachi: Geez, for a woman who said she'd live her life for Cid she sure is bossy.

>Well, now Cid didn’t want that,

Aren: Off course not!

>especially considering the fact that the only place to sleep other than the tattered fold-out couch they shared was

Red: The local inn, which cost 100 gil.

>the puke-green bathtub.

Loneeagle: Apparently Barret mistook the bathtub for a toilet after getting smashed.

>So he

Xan: Pulled out a can of hash, making for a clichéd fic.

>grumbled and pouted and muttered and groaned as he went and got his jacket,

Princess Artemis: (Shera) I told you to lose some weight, see... now you don't even fit in your jacket.

>scarf, and gloves. He was making a huge production out of it. There were acts, scenes, even a soliloquy of grumbling.

Juuhachi: (Cid) Oh my stars, I possess not any tea. Will shera not fetch some?
Red: (Shera) No, I shalt not. Ye must acquire thine own tea!
Juuhachi: (Cid) ::moves to center stage and the spotlight shows on him:: All I doth desire is a cup of tea... Why must I suffer so? ::grumble grumble grumble::
Rest: ::Clap:: Bravo! Bravo!

>He shuffled to the door theatrically and cast one last hopeful glance at his wife.

Princess Artemis: (Cid) I knew I loaded the wrong materia!

>"Regular Shakespearean tragedy.

Red: If Shakespeare existed in that world, Yes.

>You make more work trying to weasel out of things than it would take to just do them!" Shera reacted.

Loneeagle: I would have reacted by clapping first. Then telling him off.

>Oh, how wrong she would be.

Red: Of course. Otherwise the fic would be over real quick.

>If they had only known, tragedy could have been averted.

Xan: And Yuffie's life could have been saved.

>But life cannot be wasted pondering the ‘if only’s’.

Juuhachi: Actually, that's what Philosophy majors do.

>Cid stomped his foot and said,

Princess Artemis: (Cid) Damn! Again?!

>"Dammit! Yer onta me," in a self-mocking tone.

Juuhachi: (Cid) It's so fun when I mock myself.

>Shera burst out giggling and waved him out the door.

Aren: (Shera) Go Knave! And do not forget my nachos!

>It was a dark and stormy night.

Red: And thus the random horror film began.

>Well, maybe not so stormy,

Aren: But it just said it was stormy!!! I want contnuity dammit!
Princess Artemis: That was supposed to be a cliché up there.
Aren: Oh.

>but it was bloody cold and Cid was certain he was going to freeze his buns off.

Loneeagle: (Cid) Why the hell didn't I leave the hamburger rolls at home then?!

>He instantly wrapped up as tight as possible,

Xan: And mailed himself to Cosmo Canyon.

>teeth chattering hard enough that he thought he might lose a filling. "D-d-dd-dd-ddd-,"

Aren: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

>he tried to curse, but it just didn’t come out right.

Princess Artemis: (Cid) Fork! Spoony! Bard! Shiznit!

>Sighing, Cid began the long and arduous trek

Juuhachi: (Singing) Cid Trekkin' Across the universe! Aboard the USS highwind, Under captain Cid!

>to the twenty-four hour Vons across the street.

Red: Odd, a convience store in FFVII.... And here I only thought there was item and weapon shops.

>When he arrived, he was sorely distressed to find the doors shut tight.

Princess Artemis: And being the gentleman he was, he didn't break in.

>‘Closed in remembrance of Cait Sith’s selfless sacrifice at the Temple of the Ancients. Without his >singular courage and valor, we would all be Meteor-fodder,’

Xan: Wuss. He was just a robot.

>the neon orange poster declared. "Sh-shh-shhhhsshh-,"

Aren: Shazbot!

>Cid chattered. He huffed and mentally cursed

Loneeagle: How the hell do you Mentally curse?
Juuhachi: Like this! ::says nothing::
Loneeagle: Oh, okay.

>the day Reeve had bought Shin-Ra and every other major chain with his share of

Red: Barret's stash.

>the fifty bazillion gil the group had acquired

Xan: From smashing Yuffie's piggy bank.

>while trying to master Knights of the Round.

Juuhachi: Unless you used the gameshark code for infinite AP

>(It had taken two months, but dammit, it was worth it just to see Yuffie piddle in her shorts when she saw the resulting Master Summon materia.)

All: ::Turn to PA:: ...
Princess Artemis: ::sweatdrops:: NOT THAT!

>Cid turned from the grocery store in disgust,

Princess Artemis: (Cid) I'd better not toss my lunch, it had my last Tea with it.

> wondering what he could do. The only options he had were convenience stores

Loneeagle: (Cid) I hate 7-11!

>or a really long hike through Mount Nibel to Vincent’s house.

Xan: (Cid) I'll take what's behind door number three!

>Going to bed without tea was unthinkable.

Red: Yeah, after all, caffene does help one sleep.

>What he really needed was an intravenous caffeine/nicotine infusion,

Aren: Jolt Infusion... GOOD!

>but he was quite certain that was about as likely as convincing Cloud to lay off his daily mousse and super glue hair regimen.

Juuhachi: Even though he'd save Shera those trips to the store all the time.

>About as likely as getting himself to stop cold turkey.

Xan: (Homer) It better not be one of those demon turkeys either!

>So he decided on the convenience store idea and headed toward Am/Pm.

Loneeagle: However it had been leveled by Barret because it had used Mako in the past.

>On the way, he tried to light up an illusory cigarette.

Princess Artemis: The brand preferred by Non-smokers!

>No smokes…?

Red: Seems that way. At least he didn't light it on my tail again.

>"DDD-DD-ddd-DDD!!!" Cid hollered, realizing that not only was he to be denied his caffeine fix, but his

Juuhachi: Nightly round of shagging.
Princess Artemis: Why are we doing this? I worked hard on this!!!
Aren: I dunno...
Xan: Me either...
Red: But it doesn't make any sense, why would Gates send us this one?
Loneeagle: Hmm... Want to find out why?
All except Loneeagle: What?!
Loneeagle: I just happen to have my what-if Materia right here. We should ask what would happen if we stopped riffing the fic. ::pulls out a materia and casts a spell. A portal opens up nearby:: Shall we?
Aren: Why not...

(Everyone walks through and ends up back in the real world. Most of the people were walking around like zombies, and there were terminator-like robots patrolling the streets)

Red: What the hell?!
Princess Artemis: Where are we?
Juuhachi: That's odd....
Loneeagle: Appears to be a town in America... Xan, access a computer and figure out what's going on.
Xan: Sure... ::does so:: Oh.... my.....
Red: What is it?
Xan: Perhaps you should read this....

::the group heads over to the screen::

Screen: On August 23rd, 2000 several computer users were found at their computers jibbering like morons.
Aren: What does that mean?
Xan: Wait, there's more.
Screen: August 30th, 2000. More computer insanity victims were found today... which brings the total to ten thousand.
Juuhachi: That's odd... ::looks at the list of names:: Hey! I'm on this!
Xan: We all are. And then...
Screen: September 9th, 2000... Bill Gates has released a new version of windows... It comes with free internet access and several books on how to Operate it. These were written by Oscar, Ratliff, Neocactaur, Kasshan, and Alea.
Princess Artemis: Oh.... No....
Loneeagle: He did it then.... that bunghole!
Aren: Did what?
Xan: He drove every MSTer in the world insane, when we were gone he showered the world with bad fanfics and drove the rest of the population insane. He now controls the world.
Red: Damn....
Princess Artemis: I had no idea... For the sake of the world, we must MST my story!
Rest of the group: Retreat to the SOG, For Everlasting peace!!

(They head back into the theatre)

>nicotine one as well!

Loneeagle: He should have brought his own brand of smokes along.
Princess Artemis: Cid Highwind Cigarettes. Because Real Men don't care about the taste!

>He growled low as his withdrawal headache doubled in

Aren: Side his head?

>intensity just because it knew he was out of smokes.

Juuhachi: So he got a limit break and blew something up.

>Stomping toward the Am/Pm, he realized that Reeve owned that, too. The shock and horror was so intense that he fell on his butt

Xan: (Cid's Butt) Have more respect for me dammit!

>and silently wept. Reeve owned them all…

Red: (Cid) Must... Kill.... Reeve...
Juuhachi: Hey! That's my man!

>Cid would have to go to Nibelheim to get his tea and ciggies. After crying like a baby for a few minutes, he

Loneeagle: Stood up and said "Damn! Again?!"

>gathered himself together and

Princess Artemis: Realized that he forgot about his hidden stock of smokes and Tea.

>steeled himself

Xan: (Cid) I....AM.... IRON MAN!
Loneeagle: (singing) He was turned to steel, in a great Magnetic field...

>for the long and desperate journey whose end would only come when he had a steaming vessel of liquid beauty in one hand

Red: Or he died along the way...

>and a burning wrap of leaves and chemicals

Loneeagle: Fire... BAD!
Juuhachi: It's the wacky Tabacee!

>so numerous just thinking about them caused cancer in the other.

Red: That.... made absolutely no sense.... Care to explain?
Princess Artemis: I was reaching..
Red: Oh.

>Finally, Cid gathered the courage and returned to his home

Xan: there he found that Shera had hidden the tea on purpose...

>(but only to the garage; no way was he gonna give Shera the satisfaction of knowing to what lengths he would go when unable to indulge his vices).

Princess Artemis: Dude, she probably knows that.

>He took his favorite spear in hand, the Venus Gospel, and strode purposefully out the garage door and into

Aren: ...A wall.
Loneeagle: (Cid) @#%!@#$%!@$^!$@#^!$#

>the bitter cold. He cared not one whit that the Venus Gospel was really a halberd

Loneeagle: Neither did I.

>and that the Viper Halberd was really a lance

Juuhachi: The story with *EXTREME.... WEAPON...DESCRIPTION.....ACTION*!!!

>and that his homemade Spear, the one he had spent days forging, sharpening,

Xan: And turning into a bong.

>and welding, was really a

Princess Artemis: Bunch of sprites that someone made look like a spear.

>pike and was mass-produced by a small Junon firm intent on being the one-stop-pole-arm shop for

Loneeagle: People who liked to skewer things.

>Dragoons everywhere.

Red: Dragoons of the world... UNITE!

>(The fact that Cid was the only being alive on the Planet

Aren: Meant that Aeris liked him a lot.
Princess Artemis: Huh?
Aren: Well, if holy went off and Aeris didn't like that person mucho... POOF!
Princess Artemis: Oh...

>that even closely resembled a Dragoon had, of course, necessitated the bankruptcy of that small Junon firm.)

Juuhachi: But then they re-opened selling Gel and Super-Glue to Cloud.

>Cid yelped in pain when in his effort to wrap up tight to get warm resulted in him

Xan: Lighting the dynamite in his pocket.

>raking the wing-blade of the Venus Gospel across his cheek,

Red: Geez... Can't Cid tell the difference between a halberd and a razor?
Aren: Apparently not.

>shaving his stubble and drawing a copious amount of blood. "Dd-dd-dd-!" he cursed.

Aren: (Cid) For a !@$!@#$!@# close shave, Use my Venus Gospel brand Razor. If it doesn't take part of your face right off, it's because you're a pansy.

>"Sh-shhh-shsh-!" he yelled when he couldn’t say his first curse.

Loneeagle: (Cid) Shpoony!

>"….!!!!" Cid exclaimed at the top of his lungs when his curse for not being able to curse wouldn’t come

Red: Whoa! Cid pulled a Vincent!
Xan: How do you pronouce that?
Red: Like "....!!!!"
Xan: Oh, Gotcha.

>out. After a few moments of fuming, he took his scarf, his brand new, nice, white scarf,

Juuhachi: Formed a noose and went off to kill whoever's fault it was that the stores were closed.
Princess Artemis: That would be Reeve....
Juuhachi: oh... Oops!

>and held it to the rather large scrape.

Xan: Which turned the scarf a nice Pink color.

>Then he walked away from his garage and toward the Chocobo stables attached to the Shanghai-Tei.

Loneeagle: Huh?! Why didn't he take the Highwind, or Tiny Bronco?!
Princess Artemis: Because then the story would have been over real quick silly.
Loneeagle: Good answer.

>When he arrived at the inn, he faintly heard someone banging on a door and shouting at that man who had taken up residence in the restroom.

Aren: (Guy in the bathroom) Someone's in here!
Juuhachi: First the bathroom in Wall market... now here. I sense a Canameridan Conspiracy.
Aren: Why must people think Canamerida causes trouble! We're a nice little party only trying to help the countries!
Loneeagle: Bah, Enough Sorta Shameless Self Promotion. Back to the fic.

>He snickered slightly over this; it wasn’t

Princess Artemis: Altogether that funny, so it only deserved a snicker.

>as if the rooms of the inn didn’t have toilets. All that dude had to do was walk up stairs.

Red: More bodily functions? This is an odd fic...

>Then again, everyone in Rocket Town was downright neurotic,

Xan: (RT Citizen) I'M INSANE!!!

>so maybe it was some twisted

Juuhachi: Plot by Bob Dole to rule the world!!!

>codependent thing. As he approached his Chocobo’s stable, he heard Setzer’s faint cooing.

Aren: 'cause Cid had visited FF3(j6), and turned Setzer into a Chocobo.

>He’d never thought about it before, but he supposed

Princess Artemis: That it wasn't good to abuse 16-bit characters.

>she must have been snoring.

Loneeagle: She must have just finished reading FF7: Royal Rumble.

>It was pretty late at night.

Red: Only 10pm? The night starts at 4 am people!

>When Cid carefully opened the stable door, he saw

Juuhachi: Shera sitting there with an evil grin on her face.
Princess Artemis: (Shera) Redrum... Redrum...

>Setzer all curled up in a painful looking ball, but he wasn’t at all alarmed; Chocobos always slept with their heads tucked under one wing.

Xan: Unless it was Chocobo X.

>Cid walked up to Setzer and gently shook her.

Aren: (Cid) Gimme some Tea!!!

>"WARRRRK!!!" Setzer screamed as she Chocobuckled Cid.

Red: (Setzer) That's for changing me into a chocobo!

>Cid fell back when the spell hit him and glared at Setzer.

Loneeagle: (Cid) No Soup for You!!!

>She never got mad like this.

Princess Artemis: Unless woken up in the middle of the night.

>The black Chocobo was glaring fiercely at her owner, as if to say

Juuhachi: (Setzer) I don't like you....

>that it really wasn’t very nice of him to surprise her like that.

Xan: But it was okay we he suprised her in broad daylight.

>Fortunately for Cid, he almost never ran away from monsters; otherwise,

Loneeagle: Yuffie would have caused him much grief

>Chocobuckle would have done more than give him a headache.

Princess Artemis: yeah, it would have given him an enemy skill.

>He grumbled again as his withdrawal headache,

Red: (Cid) Come on Setzer... You gotta have some of that stuff!
Aren: (Setzer) Sorry Cid, I'm all out...

>as if with a mind of his own, gladly took the Chocobuckle headache and accepted it as its own.

Aren: (Withdrawl Headache) Join us... Don't be afraid.

>He really wanted a cigarette right now. No, he needed one.

Princess Artemis: But they were always just out of reach... Aww.. Poor Cid.

>Setzer eventually calmed down enough to let Cid tack her

Red: Ouch man. He let her sit on a tack... That's just downright cruel.

>and climb on. As he began riding her

Juuhachi: Lot of things in here could be taken out of context here... But I shan't for it might inspire an evil lemon author.
Loneeagle: Damn skippy. We don't need anymore Neocactaurs in the world.

>out of the stable, he noticed she seemed to be waddling rather than walking.

Aren: It wasn't a Chocobo! It was a duck!
Red: Quack!

>He examined her crest and found

Xan: That it was minty-fresh tartar-control Crest!

>one white feather, a sure sign that she was expecting.

Aren: That the deal would go down soon!

>Dammit, now I hafta deal with a pregnant Chocobo, too.

Loneeagle: So the narrator has to deal with a pregnant chocobo?
Princess Artemis: Forgot the quotes there... my mistake.

>Setzer slowly waddled by a greens container and began foraging. As hard as Cid tried, he couldn’t get her

Princess Artemis: To divulge her supplier.

>to move until she had found just the right green. Of course, it had to be on the bottom.

Red: Otherwise we couldn't waste all this time.

>Eventually though, she found it and waddled merrily on her way.

Xan: Quack! Quack!

>Now, there are a few things one must know about Chocobos.

Juuhachi: Unless we already know it, but I'm sure it'll be divulged.

>For starters, garden variety yellow Chocobos are

Aren: Grown with Grade A fertilizer!

>pretty fast, faster than monsters, but that’s about all they’re good for.

Loneeagle: (Yellow Chocobo) Chocobo School of anything goes martial arts Final attack! Fast Break!

>But breeding them can end up giving one a new variety of Chocobo.

Red: Thank the planet No one's written that lemon...
Aren: Don't give them ideas Red!

>Blue ones, the River Chocobos, can cross shallow rivers by running really, really fast.

Princess Artemis: So they reach the ferry in record time.

>The green ones, Mountain Chocobos, can climb mountains because they are

Xan: Equipped with spiked shoes and Ascension guns.

>very agile and sure of their footing. But they don’t run all that fast. There is a special variety, the gold Ocean Chocobo, which can cross oceans by running really, really, really fast and being sure

Juuhachi: That they have their rocket boosters equipped.
Princess Artemis: Go Go Gadget Rocket Skis!

>on their feet. Black Chocobos, the river and mountain breed, don’t have these special adaptations and indeed, are slower, on average, than the garden variety.

Aren: But they carry Uzis, so the Garden Variety don't make fun of them a lot.

>But they do have one thing the others lack: functional wings. Black Chocobos are quick and excellent fliers.

Xan: ::begins to sing:: Highway to the danger zone!!

>But not when they are pregnant.

Red: Of course not. That would make the story last a few seconds.

>Thus, all the advantage Cid got from riding his egg-laden Chocobo was that it would be a little longer before he needed to make a trip to the shoe store.

Juuhachi: And if he took too long, he could have a chocobo omlette for breakfast.

>He sighed heavily, thinking to himself

Princess Artemis: Well, better then thinking to others.

>that he probably should just go home instead of having to battle monsters all the way to Nibelheim.

Aren: Too bad he didn't bring his Enemy away materia.

>But he decided to go on anyway.

Xan: Or the fic would end right here.

>He was just too prideful to go back to his wife, defeated, without tea in hand.

Loneeagle: I hope it's not the kind of tea in all those crappily dubbed animes

> So he went on.

Princess Artemis: He keeps going... and going... and going....

>Just as soon as Cid stepped out of the confines of Rocket Town, the

Aren: Intelligence of the fanfics drop a billion points.

>ambient temperature dropped a few degrees. Now it was cold enough that all he needed to do to get a good brain freeze was to take a nice, deep breath.

Juuhachi: IceCream.....GOOD!

>He knew this because he had just taken a nice,

Xan: Big Slurpee and downed it in fice seconds.

>deep breath and got a pretty good brain freeze.

Red: (Cid) ungh... Shouldn't have inhaled that coffee Ice Cream cake.

>After the sharp pain went away,

Princess Artemis: He was in heaven. Surrounded by rocket ships, gallons of tea, and a mountian of smokes.

>allowing him to think,

Loneeagle: Thinking... BAD!!

>he decided not to curse, because he knew he couldn’t and it would just get him more pissed. He tapped Setzer and rode her toward the Nibel Mountains.

Juuhachi: I pray that lemon-writers will skip over that last line...

>Shortly there after, a couple of monsters decided that he would make a great midnight snack.

Aren: (Joker one) Ahh, a midnight snack!
Xan: (Joker two) But it's only 11:45!
Aren: (Joker One) then we wait stupid!

>They were two Jokers that had wandered over the mountains.

Princess Artemis: (Joker) Curse that batman!

>Cid saw them and reacted quickly. He pushed Setzer as fast as she could go

Red: Well, that's a way to make your chocobo go faster. Just get off and push.

>(which wasn’t all that fast, but fast enough) and lowered the Venus Gospel toward the approaching

Xan: Materia Hunter.

>monsters. His plan was to kill them

Juuhachi: Great plan Einstein.

>while still mounted. Perhaps his plan would have worked if

Princess Artemis: The author wanted it to.

>the tip of the spear hadn’t caught on an unseen rock and caused Cid to pole-vault right off Setzer. He landed on his feet,

Xan: (Cid) Ta dah!

>fortunately; his gift for jumping included

Aren: Landing.

>aerial acrobatics and the ability to fall with cat-like grace. After all, it wouldn’t do to be able to jump thirty feet in the air if it meant one would break bones on landing.

Loneeagle: Yeah, now that would be funny.

>Apparently, the monsters weren’t called Jokers without reason, because they both

Red: Ran off to kill Batman.

>took cards and wrote ‘10’ on them. Holding them up, one announced into an imaginary mike, "He really stuck the dismount, ladies and gentlemen." The other one started laughing and pointing.

Loneeagle: (Joker as Nelson) Ha-Ha!

>Cid turned an interesting shade as both embarrassment and anger fought for the mastery.

Juuhachi: (Anger) Now I am the master...
Princess Artemis: (Embarrassment) Only the master of evil...

>He stood staring at the Jokers, thinking horrible curses. But it wasn’t quite right

Princess Artemis: Because he wasn't a warlock, and couldn't use curses.

>just thinking curses, so he gave up on that and continued staring.

Aren: (Cid) And I see the Jokers have not moved in some time.

>The one that was pointing and laughing started motioning to its cheek, as if to say there was something on Cid’s cheek. Wondering why anyone would find a scrape funny, he touched the scrape.

Red: Yup, it's still there.

>Then he rolled his eyes and groaned.

Xan: As someone stepped on one.

>So that was what they were laughing at.

Juuhachi: Tell us already!

>His scarf was stuck to his face.

Princess Artemis: And it had turned pink!

>Feeling rather foolish, he carefully removed the scarf, trying his best not to disturb the scrape. He was reasonably successful, although his ego was fatally wounded.

Aren: Fatality!

>But the act had just made the Jokers

Xan: Die of boredom.

>laugh harder. One finally sputtered out, "Cut yourself shaving?

Loneeagle: (Cid) Thank you Captian Obvious!

>You know you’re supposed to stop when it hurts, right?"

Red: (Cid) Thanks for the tip... Idiots.

>Cid spread his hands and looked to the heavens in a ‘why me?’

Juuhachi: Because Stone Cold Said so!

>sort of way then remounted Setzer. He rode her away, leaving the Jokers to laugh and mock. Well, he thought, licking his wounds, at least I didn’t have to kill them.

Xan: Quotation marks Are Irrelevant!

>Soon Cid arrived at the edge of the Nibel Mountains. They were tall and majestic in a twisted sort of way. They were also covered with snow.

Loneeagle: Which Setzer began to sniff up.

>It would be a hard trek through, but what lay on the other side was worth the risk. He nudged Setzer and began the ascent.

Juuhachi: Ascend to five hundred feet, then begin your strafing run...

>When they came to the entrance, Cid was alarmed to find a Materia Keeper blocking the way.

Princess Artemis: But being that he was level 99, he beat the crap outta it.

>When it didn’t move, he guessed it was asleep.

Red: Or it could be dead.

>Carefully, he dismounted Setzer and tiptoed closer, trying to see if there was a way to pass.

Xan: Sneaky feet... Creaky feet... Ninja feet...

>He found none; the Keeper had the cave entrance thoroughly blocked. Tapping the back of his head and chewing his lip,

Aren: (Cid) Mmm... Salty!

>Cid came to the decision that he should kill it, using the element of surprise and his powerful

Red: Knights of the Round Materia.
Loneeagle: The summon otherwise known as OVERKILL

>Venus Gospel.

Pincess Artemis: Which is a halberd as we know!

>As luck would have it, Setzer chose that time to loudly protest the freezing temperatures, her swollen ankles, and the fact that there was no Tantal and Uribo flavored ice cream available.

Juuhachi: So now his chocobo wants a brain freeze?
Aren: Just let it take a deep breath.

>Of course, this woke the Materia Keeper. Cid shook his head heavily then brought up the Venus Gospel.

Loneeagle: However, all the parenting in the world didn't work on the spear.

>The Keeper

Red: I am the Materia Keeper, Are you the Keymaster?

>turned around and blinked all eight of its liquid eyes, trying to drive

Xan: Some poor soul off the road in a fit of rage.

>the sleep away.

Princess Artemis: (Materia Keeper) Man... the last couple of heroes I ate musta be sloshed, because I have an awful hangover.

>Cid took that opportunity to leap forward and strike it in the face with his spear.

Aren: BOO! Attacking a defenseless monster! Very Boo!

>It got stuck right in the Keeper’s nose.

Red: Least it didn't get stuck up it's nose.

>Cid blinked in surprise then yanked the blade out and examined it.

Princess Artemis: (Cid) It appears to be some kind of metal....

>The golden point was extremely dull.

Juuhachi: Well, Gold isn't the best material for weapons in the first place.

>Cid slapped his face and groaned when he realized he was out of magic. He’d used all of it up earlier that day trying to get some

Juuhachi: Heh, Instead of Manipulating Shera, why didn't he just ask?

>prefabricated logs lit in a neighbor’s fireplace. It had taken three castings of Flare, one Fire 3, and ten Phoenix summons to get the damn things to burn.

Loneeagle: TOASTY!

>It was worse than trying to light

Xan: A baka on fire. They just don't understand they're burning, so they aren't.

>those charcoal briquette thingys. The net result was a powerful, ultimate weapon that wouldn’t cut a slice of bread, much less a Materia Keeper.

Princess Artemis: So even if the keeper was made out of bread, Cid couldn't cut him up.

>All Cid had succeeded in doing was, in essence, pissing it the hell off.

Aren: Monsters are always pissed off anyway. The only time they aren't is when they're dead.

>"Oh, %^$#," Cid muttered. He was momentarily pleased that he could swear again.

Loneeagle: But then the materia Keeper ate him, ending the moment of pleasure.

>The Materia Keeper advanced slowly, rubbing its nose and glaring murder. Setzer waddled away

Princess Artemis: Because she didn't have a death wish.

>as Cid backed up a step, then another, then another. That last step was just a few inches to the left of the edge of the mountain path; this resulted in Cid falling a good distance down

Juuhachi: Everybody Get down!!!

>the mountain. Finally, his unexpected descent came to a halt,

Red: Because he turned the game off.

>just above another trail. He gingerly picked himself up and stepped down to the trail.

Aren: (Cid) Whee! I just fell a few stories! I'm feeling great.

>Surveying the damage, he discovered two

Loneeagle: Corpses. But since they belonged to Biggs and Wedge, No one cared.

>scraped elbows, a missing glove, a few cuts on the gloveless hand, and a tear in his black shirt

Juuhachi: Ahh, Get to see a bit more of Cid eh PA?
Princess Artemis: ::sweatdrops:: It's just to show how he got hurt.
Juuhachi: Rigggght.

>with a long cut beneath. Not too bad, all told. But his hand was already getting too cold for comfort,

Xan: Too hot to handle, too cold to hold. So they called the ghostbusters and they're in control!

>so he shoved it in his pocket.

Princess Artemis: And found four tea bags and a pack of cigarettes.

>He really hadn’t come prepared

Loneeagle: Which proves he's not a boy scout!

>for this trip, but with dogged courage, he continued on.

Aren: Oh yeah. He had to continue on, because he couldn't turn back.

>Shortly Cid came to another cave, this time unblocked. There was a glowing Save spot nearby.

Red: Interesting that Cid thinks it's a save spot, not just a glowing rock or something.

>As he approached, he wondered why they were called Save spaces.

Juuhachi: The world may never know...

>Probably should

Xan: Bust out the Redeemer!

>have been called Safe spots, since one could set camp there without worrying about monsters attacking.

Loneeagle: Because they were surrounded by Monster away.

>Reaching into his jacket, Cid pulled a large tent out of his Inventory.

Red: Ahh, the jacket pocket that holds a tent. Must be like the fifth pocket of holding.

>Inventory was a strange space-time distortion that all would-be heroes and Defenders of the Planet seemed to have on their person.

Princess Artemis: And they wondered where all their materia disappeared to.
Aren: (Yuffie) Nyuck Nyuck!

>It allowed Cid to carry an ungodly amount of junk around without weight and bulk concerns.

Juuhachi: (Cid) Encumberance? What's that?

>Other would-be heroes could access it as well; sometimes Cid searched his Inventory from one end to the other, only to find that Barret had taken what he was looking for.

Red: Whoa, Barret got Cid's stash once? I thought it would be the other way around.

>After setting camp, Cid glanced nervously around the dark cave.

Xan: (Cid) I know Yuffie's here somewhere...

>He had never actually hiked through this particular part of the Nibel Mountains

Princess Artemis: Because you got Cid after you crossed Nibel.

>and he was unsure of his way.

Loneeagle: Shoulda' Brought a map Cid...
Red: And you know he isn't gonna ask for directions either.

>He was an outside person in the extreme; he possessed a veritable gift for travel in the open air, where he

Aren: Would be flying the highwind.

>could feel the wind. This whole spelunking thing just didn’t float his boat. Actually, it more properly sunk his boat;

Red: (Titanic Captian as Cid) ICEBERG!

>he was claustrophobic, and certainly did not enjoy being cooped up in caves

Princess Artemis: Well Duh! It's an enclosed space...

>that came complete with stagnant air and bats.

Loneeagle: Bats suck... Literally. Especially the Vampire type.

>After an uneasy hour or so, Cid finally succumbed to exhaustion and snuggled up in his sleeping bag.

Red: Sleep.... GOOD!

>He awoke with a start

Xan: Because the player had unpaused the game.

>when he heard rustling outside his tent. Warily taking up his Venus Gospel, (he had all his magic now), he tiptoed over to the entrance of the tent.

Juuhachi: Sneaky feet, creaky feet.... Dragoon feet.

>When he peeked out from a small slit where he had left the door partly unzipped, he growled deeply.

Aren: (Cid) Damned Girl Scouts! Can't they ever give up?!

>Those two Jokers had followed him and, judging by the absolute glee on their sallow faces,

Loneeagle: They had just offed Batman and Robin.

>had committed some heinous act of stupidity in another attempt to humiliate him.

Princess Artemis: And they probably succeded. Judging from their expressions.

>Suddenly, both Jokers turned to face the tent door then hightailed it out of the cave.

Red: Retreat Jokers! For Everlasting Peace!

>After straightening out his clothes, which had become all tangled up as he slept, Cid unzipped the door and stepped out to survey the damage.

Xan: Damage Report Mr. Scott!

>Nothing much, just several rolls of toilet paper and large amounts of pink Silly String. No biggie, he thought. It wasn’t as if he would keep the tent; for some reason he couldn’t fathom, all the sporting good stores would sell

Juuhachi: Deadly weapons to just about anyone.

>were Disposable Tents™.

Red: Which were developed by B'Largh of Ac'Kith

>They were only good for one night,

Princess Artemis: Just like most men.

>and then they would disintegrate. Indeed, his Disposable Tent™ was doing just that. Only moments later, the Save spot was covered in paper and string. Cid shrugged;

Aren: Because he didn't need the spot anymore.

>certainly, the Jokers could have done worse. He leaned down and picked up his shoes (he was willing to sleep in his jacket, but not his shoes),

Loneeagle: Wuss.

>then slipped one on while hopping on the other foot.

Xan: He could have sat down mind you...

>There was something suspiciously slimy squishing between his toes.

Juuhachi: (Cid) Man! They crapped in my shoe!

>Lifting his other shoe to examine it, he cursed loud and long when he found it full of whipped cream. He hissed and began scraping the whipped cream from his shoe as he promised to

Princess Artemis: Hunt down the man who made us MST the story.
Loneeagle: You'd like to see that, wouldn't you?
Princess Artemis: Yes, yes I would.

>himself that he would slash those Jokers to ribbons the next time he saw them.

Red: With his halbard that wouldn't cut bread? I don't think so.

>After cleaning that shoe as best he could he removed the other and flapped his foot around, trying to

>dislodge the cream. Unsatisfied, but sure he could do no better, he replaced that shoe and began walking through the cave in the direction he thought Nibelheim lay in. Why couldn’t I

Loneeagle: (Cid) have saved those last bags from my special stash!

>just go to a damn Starbucks?

Aren: I'm guessing because it didn't exist in that world?

>A double espresso would do me good…

Princess Artemis: Except Cid liked Tea, not coffee.

>After several hours of hard hiking up and down the strangely glowing caverns

Juuhachi: (Cid) The colors! The colors!

>of the Nibel Mountains, a large group of those whatchamacallit grasshopper things

Xan: When you can remember the name of the Grasshopper, you can advance in your training.

>(Cid could never remember what they were called, just that they were extremely annoying) appeared from nowhere and attacked him.

Red: (Cid) Damned random encounters....

>He quickly dispatched one with an easy slash of his spear

Princess Artemis: HALBERD HALBARD HALBARD! How many times do I have to write that in here?

>(or halberd, or whatever.) Two other grasshopper monsters attacked in quick succession, trying, as Cid always thought, to suck his brains out

Loneeagle: (Grasshopper) Brrrraaaaiiinnnsss!

>with their long mosquito mouths. The last one paused without biting Cid’s head

Juuhachi: (Grasshopper) Damn... Nothing there.

>and scurried down his shirt and legs then sniffed his shoes. Cid brushed it away just as it made a strange little chirping noise. He was surprised when it didn’t get up and attack him when it landed.

Xan: Because they realized that he hadn't taken a bath in three years.

>Instead, it and the other two surviving grasshopper things discussed something amongst themselves, then called for others to join them.

Princess Artemis: They called for their pipe, they called for their bowl, and they called for their fiddlers three.

>Two hours later, Cid was stomping out of

Juuhachi: The honey bee inn.

>the last cavern, fuming everlasting annoyance, as grasshopper monsters swarmed about his feet and battled one another for a chance to taste his whipped cream-soaked shoes.

Red: I wonder if Cid gets any experience for that?

>There were twenty, easy, all scurrying in and out and around and under his feet; it was the worst of cats, but even cats never tried to eat his socks.

Aren: Socks.... BAD!

>He had given up trying to kill them or kick them away;

Loneeagle: Too bad he didn't bring his bahamut materia.
Red: Bahamut... Kills bugs... Dead.

>every time he did, another one would jump on him and bite him in retribution, and there were just too many

Juuhachi: BUGS!!!!
Xan: Nuke EM!

>to kill before they sucked him dry, so he endured them in thunderous silence.

Red: THat's an Oxymoron Class two.

>He supposed there was a silver lining to this cloud of large, green insects,

Aren: Yeah, if he killed them all, he'd level up.

>but at the moment he was way to irritated it see it. Vincent had better have some tea and a whole stack of

Juuhachi: Those special Magazines!

>smokes, oh yes. He rubbed his head, wincing as his withdrawal headache came back with a vengeance.

Princess Artemis: (Cid) Mental note... Don't rub head.

>After a while, as Cid descended the last incline of the Nibel Mountains, the green bugs began trailing off by ones and twos.

Loneeagle: The grasshoppers go marching one by one....

>Soon, he was off the mountains and in the grasslands surrounding Nibelheim, entirely grasshopper free. He glanced down at his feet and snickered.

Red: (Cid) heh, my feet are still there... hehehe.

>The entire episode with the grasshoppers had been so surreal and absurd he had to laugh when he saw that the bugs had eaten both his shoes and his socks.

Xan: And most had died from the stench.

>By now, however, his feet were too cold to be bothered by the frost that clung to the ground in patches. He supposed that was a bad thing,

Loneeagle: Yes, having your feet go numb certianally does fit nicely in the bad things category.

>having hiked down the snow-covered mountainside with fast disappearing footwear, but it was water under the bridge now. After a close examination of his toes, he was pleased to discover

Aren: That they were still there.

>each one was still attached and contained at least a hint of color.

Juuhachi: However, the color was Puke Green.

>Not much, though; Cid had a propensity to wear a lot of clothing no matter the temperature outside, so the only parts of him that regularly saw the light of day were his elbows and head.

Red: Juu, I believe that this is your territory.
Juuhachi: Nah, it's too easy, Besides, Everyone knows that PA isn't into that kinda junk.

>This resulted in his possessing of a very fair and rather, er, soft skin…which was one of the reasons he always wore so much clothes. He had long been tired of other’s rudely pointing out how ‘pretty’ his hands were.

Xan: What a Girly-man. Toughen Up Nancy Boy!!!

>Not his fault he didn’t want all his welding and fabricating

Juuhachi: He made some of his clothes out of Hemp. So he could smoke them in an emergency.

>to cut him to ribbons. After wiggling his toes a bit to make sure they still worked, he started off toward Nibelheim.

Princess Artemis: Really? I thought he was headed to Wutai...

>It didn’t take long to reach the small town. He was surprised to see Setzer wandering aimlessly about; apparently, she had followed him over the mountains by paths that humans couldn’t use but were fine for pregnant Chocobos.

Aren: Looks like it's time for Cid to lay off the doughnuts.

>Cid approached her and stroked her head, relieved to find his favorite bird alive and well.

>"Coo," Setzer said in response. Cid guessed she was relieved, too.

Loneeagle: Should it be saying Wark?

Red: Nope. Should be saying QUACK!

>Now that he was within sight of his goal, Cid’s addictions made a powerful offense and fairly dragged him

Xan: (Addiction) Come with me if you want to live!

>with them to the Nibelheim Mansion where Vincent lived. After gathering his wits and trying to stomp

Juuhachi: The life out of Yuffie.

>some warmth into his feet, Cid walked up to the gate of the mansion. It was fenced in by wrought iron pickets tipped with wicked looking spikes.

Princess Artemis: To keep out those really Persistant women who were always chasing Vincent.

>He tried the latch; it was locked. It was nearly midday, so perhaps Vincent was asleep. Despite many opinions, Vincent was not a vampire,

Loneeagle: Well Duh. Who didn't know that?

>but he certainly was nocturnal, and a plain weird dude besides. Cid stood in thought for a moment,

Red: (Cid) Damn I look good...

>stroking his blonde hair with his very cold hand. He decided to jump the fence; this was hardly something

Aren: Worth mentioning, but I do it anyway.

>he felt would be difficult at all. First, he threw the Venus Gospel over the fence,

Princess Artemis: Killing Aya in the process.
Loneeagle: Oh my (MagicKarp) You killed Aya! You (Pidgey)!

>then stood still to concentrate. Just as he was going to leap, a sudden thought struck him.

Loneeagle: (Cid) Stupid Thought. Go pick on Barret !@$!@#$!~#$~!#

>This whole trip had been a series of difficulties from the start…could something go wrong now?

Juuhachi: Oh yeah. It's Murphy's law!!!

>By the time the thought came, he was already committed to his course of action and his concern only served to distract him from his jump, which resulted in him jumping only five feet nine inches over a six foot fence.

Xan: Oh! He missed the dismount Ladies and gentlemen! That'll cost him!

>His pant leg caught on one of the spiked pickets, causing a drastic alteration in his flight path;

Juuhachi: And ripping his pants off, Exposing his...
Princess Artemis: JUU!!!
Juuhachi: I was going to say boxers! Honest!

>that is to say, he tripped and swung down, barely avoiding a nose-to-picket impact by grabbing one with his bare hand. Hollering in frustration and hanging upside down, Cid set

Aren: Off to rectify this mistake.

>his other hand on the cold ground and tried to jerk his leg free. This only made the situation worse by stabbing the spike into his foot.

Princess Artemis: That'll leave a mark....

> "OW!!" he cried out in pain, then after a moment

Loneeagle: Of crying like a baby...

>to collect himself, he assessed his situation.

Red: (Cid) I'm upside-down with my foot impaled on a spike. Same old Stuff, just a different day.

>Cid tilted his head toward the ground, which wasn’t very far away, then decided he would try to do sort of a handstand and lift himself off that spike. Perhaps this would have worked if his bare hand weren’t stuck >to the frozen iron.

Xan: And that's why I don't play golf in the winter...

>He yanked on it a time or two, but it was right well stuck. "*^$#!@%!!!!!" he yelled, "%^$#, %^&$, &%>@%, *&%!!!!!!!"

Loneeagle: Ow! My frikkin ears!!!

>A few minutes went by as Cid tried to calm himself. What was that reason again for which he put himself >through so much agony?

Juuhachi: He forgot already?!

>Oh, yeah… he sighed as he rubbed his head with his free hand, then put it back on the ground. All for the love of tea.

Princess Artemis: Starring Kevin Costner as Cid Highwind in: For the Love of the Tea!

>Those two Jokers that plagued Cid’s every step picked this time to float up to the fence and see what all the hollering was about. They were in no danger in Nibelheim; no one lived there except Vincent.

Loneeagle: And those Shin-ra posers.

>One Joker floated over and leaned down to look Cid in the face. It began to laugh silently,

Juuhachi: How can you do that?
Red: It's like saying "..."

>squinting its eyes shut and covering its thin lips with one long hand. The other one turned in his direction and gawked. Cid turned red with anger and humiliation, jaw clenched and glaring murder

Red: (Cid) Hah, New enemy Skill... Glare of Death!

>at the two monsters. Setzer waddled over and cooed questioningly at the Jokers.

Aren: (Setzer) Wark warkwark?

>One turned toward her and tried to shoo her away. She didn’t move, just stood there and stared. The Joker shrugged and floated over to its companion nearthe embattled pilot. It looked down at Cid and said, "Can anyone say ‘stuck’?"

Xan: Stuck
Red: Stuck
Aren: Stuck
Juuhachi: Stuck
Loneeagle: Stuck
Princess Artemis: Stuck.

>Cid rolled his eyes then decided that he really couldn’t lose any more of his

Juuhachi: Mine.

>already tattered dignity and began screaming for Vincent.

Red: (Cid) VINCENT! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE !#!@#$@#$&^!*$&^!(*@&%!*%^!@*&$^(

>Setzer found this terribly disturbing and began warking shrilly. The Jokers burst out in hysterics at the scene. They only stopped when a bullet whizzed by their heads.

Princess Artemis: (Vincent) Damned door to door salesmen.

>The Joker’s shocked expression was priceless

Aren: One pair of shoes, 30 gil
Red: One pair of socks, 25 gil.
Loneeagle: One pair of gloves, 40 gil
Princess Artemis: Seeing the jokers shocked expression.... Priceless.
Juuhachi: Some things in life are free.. for the rest, there is Shin-raCard.

>and Cid felt it was only just to see them look stupid for a change.

Aren: (Cid as Nelson) Ha... HA!

>He then looked toward where the shot had come and saw Vincent standing in the doorway of his mansion.

Loneeagle: (Vincent) Sorry about that... I thought it was my agent again.

>The Jokers quickly fled.

Xan: (Joker) Run away! Run Away!

>Vincent strode over to where Cid was hanging from his fence.

Red: (Vincent) Done hanging around my house yet Cid?

>He squatted down and looked over the situation, the faintest of smiles playing on his lips.

Juuhachi: Well, that's better then 'I'm not that innocent' I guess.

>"Having a little trouble, Cid?"

Princess Artemis: (Cid) No, I was just trying to lose some extra limbs and blood...

>"Yes, dammit! What does it look like?!" Cid answered hotly.

Juuhachi: Do you want my answer?
Loneeagle: Probably not.

>"Need help?" Vincent asked coolly.

Xan: (Cid) Yeah... Idiot.
Aren: (Vincent) Well too bad. I must atone now.

>"Yes, Vincent, I do need help," Cid replied slowly.

Loneeagle: (Cid) I don't think you understood the first time, let me say it slower...

>Without another word, Vincent stood and grasped Cid by the ankles and lifted his foot off the spike.

Red: (Vincent) Cid, it's time for you to stop eating all those twinkies...

>His pant leg was too tangled to be freed, so Vincent cut it with his sharp claws,

Juuhachi: Vincent's claws... They slice, they dice, they make lots of Julian Fries!

>then set the pilot down. Seeing that Cid’s hand was still stuck to the wrought iron fence, Vincent

Aren: Laughed.

>walked into his house and returned a moment later with some warm water. He dumped the water on Cid’s

Loneeagle: Body, causing him to turn into a duck

>hand, freeing it. With his hand free, Cid stood and gingerly set some weight on his injured foot. It wasn’t too bad.

Princess Artemis: (Cid) Tis only a flesh wound!

>Wordlessly Vincent motioned for Cid to follow him into the mansion. After they went in,

Red: Vincent shot Cid, thus ending his cravings for nicotine and Caffene.

>Cid sat in a chair near a fire while Vincent sat in the other. The weary pilot enjoyed a moment of warmth, letting his feet thaw in front of the fire. The two sat in silence for a long stretch, interrupted only by the

Aren: Long string of curses that Cid bellowed.

>crackling of the fire. After a long gaze at Cid, Vincent said, "You’ve looked better."

Juuhachi: (Cid) You'd better not be making a pass at me!

>"Huh?" Cid muttered from the half-doze he had fallen in. He sat up a bit and looked himself over.

Xan: (Cid) Well, except for this tail and wings, I've looked better.

>Yeah, he had looked better. All told, his little quest had netted him scrapes, cuts, ruined clothes, a touch of frostbite, an astounding lack of ego, and

Loneeagle: A partridge in a pear tree.

>no tea. "Well," he began, "I guess I got a bit carried away…"

Princess Artremis: (Cid) No Cigs and no Tea make Cid something something....
Aren: (Vincent) Go crazy?
Princess Artemis: (Cid) Don't mind if I do!

>Vincent blinked his red eyes and watched his friend from under his crimson cowl. "Shera called me,

Red: (Vincent) A vampire, so I had to slay her.

>" he intoned,

Aren: A flare spell, burning the pilot to a crisp.

>then produced a carefully wrapped foil packet. "Here," he said as he

Xan: (Vincent) Don't smoke it all at once.

>handed Cid the packet of tea.

Juuhachi: Tea... GOOD!

>Cid smiled and took the proffered packet gently and reverently.

Princess Artemis: (Cid) Oh Bahamut, I thank thee for thine bounty of herbs to brew into tea...

>After a long, loving gaze at the tea, Cid glanced toward Vincent and ventured, "Smokes?"

>Vincent shook his head. "No."

Loneeagle: (Vincent) You have to see barret for those.

>Cid nodded. It was too much to hope for. "Thanks," he said to Vincent, "A lot. I guess I had Shera worried, huh."

Princess Artemis: (Vincent) Checking... Yes you did.

>Vincent didn’t respond, just got up and retrieved a pair of old shoes for Cid. He handed them to Cid and said, "You should get back to your wife."

Aren: (Vincent) Or else, No smokes for you!

>"Yeah," he answered as he took the shoes. Apparently, Vincent wasn’t feeling particularly social,

Juuhachi: Which is normal for him.

>so Cid slipped on the shoes and took his leave. Vincent walked him out to the fence and unlocked the gate for him.

Xan: (Cid) Why couldn't you do that in the @#$%!@#$%@ first place?

>Before Cid exited the premises, Vincent deadpanned, "You have beautiful hands."

Juuhachi: Well, You know what they say about people with beautiful hands....
Princess Artemis: ::knocks a Silver Arrow of Anti-Hentainess::
Juuhachi: I was going to say they use Oil Of Olay a lot... Yeesh.
Princess Artemis: Oh, okay.

>Cid shoved his bare hand in his pants pocket while Vincent’s expression shifted just enough so that someone who knew him could see the ghost of a smile.

Red: So Cid had the ghost Exorcised.

>Setzer was waiting patiently by the gate, ready to head back home. Cid hopped on her back and rode her away toward the mountains.

Aren: (Cid) Hi-Ho Setzer! AWAY!

>He decided to let Setzer lead the way, since apparently she had traveled a path over Mount Nibel that didn’t go through the caverns. The trip home was generally uneventful, but that withdrawal headache never went away, it just got worse. And there was something tickling at the back of his mind,

Juuhachi: Yeah, someone had shot an arrow into his head...

>something ominous. He couldn’t shake that feeling that something was amiss even as he re-entered Rocket Town. That sense of foreboding only grew as Cid approached his home.

Princess Artemis: (Cid, looking at Shera) You're not Shera, You're an imposter!
Loneeagle: (CAM) Damn Spoony.

>Night had fallen again, and Cid was really looking forward to his first cup of steaming hot tea. He opened his door and set his spear aside as Shera walked up and hugged him in greeting. Then she looked him over and said, "What have you done to yourself?

Xan: (Cid) Nothing a full Cure won't fix.

>Tell me next time you decide to take off for parts unknown!"

Juuhachi: (Cid) No way! Then I'll never get any time away from you!

>"All right…It’s a long story, but look," Cid answered as he held up the foil packet in triumph, "I got my tea!"

Princess Artemis: (Cid) So Nyeah!

>Shera smiled, wondering at her husband’s singular persistence in his undertakings. All that trouble just for a bit of tea, when all he had to do was take some aspirin and get some in the morning.

Juuhachi: (Vader) All too easy...

>And he ruined his new scarf. She took the tea and put on the teakettle as Cid went and cleaned himself up a bit, as much as possible given his intense desire to guzzle his tea.

Red: (Cid) Must... Chug... TEA!

>Two days, humiliation beyond compare, a good deal of bloodshed…well, it was all worth it if only to relieve his caffeine headache. He sniffed the air with delight…wait…something smelled funny…

Xan: Man, did Shera let one go?

>it smelled good, but something wasn’t quite right.

Loneeagle: It had been poisioned!

>Shera set two teacups out and poured Cid and then herself a cup. He came back in warily, unsure as to why he felt so uneasy.

Princess Artemis: (Cid) Pilots Sense.... Tingling!

>He sat down and picked up his cup, inhaling the scent.

Juuhachi: And the cup too.
Xan: Hey! That's my move!!!

>It smelled really good…but something was missing. He rubbed his head again, trying to calm that headache. Well, the tea should help with that. He lifted the cup to his lips and took a tentative sip.

Aren: (Cid) Mmm, just the way mamma used to make it. Tea with a little vodka.

>No, oh no, it couldn’t be…all that trouble…all that pain and humiliation…no smokes…

>"AAHHH!!!! IT’S DECAF!!!!!!!!!"

Red: (Cid) Decaf.... BAD!

~fin~

>"I thought he liked herbal tea," Vincent shrugged.

Loneeagle: That's Herb Tea Vincent, Herb tea...

>"At least he shaved…," Shera added.

Princess Artemis: Boo! He should always have that stubble! It makes him more rugged!

>Moral of the Story: If it’s late at night and you run out of tea, sleep in the bathtub.

Loneeagle: Whee it's over! Back to the Bridge!

(The gang leaves the theare.)

Princess Artemis: Well, that was... Interesting.... can I go home now?
Loneeagle: Almost... I got a plan. ::opens a portal to Seattle Washington:: You may stag at will...
Princess Artemis: ::fires A Silver arrow of stag Creation through the portal::

(Bill Gates appears on the screen)

BG: well, are you nuts yet?
Loneeagle: Sorry Billy-boy. Not yet. And just wait a few seconds...
BG: Huh? ::turns into a stag::
All: ::laugh::
Red: Now you can go home PA.

((She does so as the scene fades out on the group laughing at gates.))

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