April Rain and Gold Beauty

A MST double-feature by Princess Artemis

MST double feature: April Rain and Gold Beauty

Author: Kate Lorraine

MSTer: Princess Artemis

In the not too distant future,
Way down in Deep 13,
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank,
Were hatching an evil scheme.

They hired a gent by the name of Mike,
Just a realer joe they didn't like,
Their experiment needed a good test case,
So they conked him on the noggin and they shot him into spa-ace!

MIKE: Get me dowwwwwwwwwn!

We'll send him cheesy movies!
The worst we can find!
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor his mind!

Now keep in mind Mike can't control,
When the movies begin or end,
He'll try to keep his sanity,
With the help of his robot friends!

ROBOT ROLL CALL!
CAMBOT! {You're on!}
GYPSY! {Hi girls!}
TOM SERVO: {Check me out!}
Croooooooooow... {I'm different!}

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts!
Just repeat to yourself it's just a show,
I should really just relax!

For, Mystery Science Theater, 3000! {Twang!}

Inside the Satellite of Love...

Mike, Tom, and Crow sat around a small TV, watching small figures run around a castle. Tom Servo was having trouble staying awake, his head nodding to the side every once in a while then jerking back up. Mike held the controller of a PlayStation, watching intently as his group of three people were attacked by a big dragon.

After a little bit of fighting, it was back to watching characters run around a castle.

The intercom came on, and Doctor Forrester's voice was heard. "Enjoying that copy of Final Fantasy VIII I sent up for you?"

Mike answered, "Yes, I am," at the same time Crow snapped, "HELL no!" Tom simply muttered a sleepy, "Huh?"

Mike turned to Crow and asked, "What do you mean? It's a great story!"

Crow sneered. "BO-RING! I've never seen a game so full of cardboard characters and mind-blisteringly dull gameplay! It might as well have been offered up as an experiment in driving us mad!"

Mike shushed Crow. "Don't give him any ideas!"

Doctor Forrester didn't seem to notice. "Well I'm glad you liked it, because I have two fics for you to read, and I wanted you to have some clue...like you do any other time, but I digress. Here they come!"

The light flashed. Klaxons blared. "WE HAVE FIC SIGN!!!" And chaos ensues.

1...2...3...4...5...6...

April Rain

By Kate Lorraine

MIKE: I hear she's a good writer...
TOM: I guess we'll see.

The rain came gently on the windows like transparent needles. In docile parallel,

TOM: ...the timid rectangle is seen in its natural environment.

the tears came into my vision. Two forms of fluid following each other in consent.

CROW: Uh...I think this is a first.
MIKE: What?
CROW: Water lemon.
TOM: It's lemonade!

Their sources however, diverged like a hyperbola,

MIKE: Who is this talking anyway?
TOM: Spock?
CROW: Data?
TOM: Or something more sinister...?

infinitely racing further from the axis which was he who could not speak his name.

TOM: Uh...what does that mean, exactly?
CROW: I think it's a classic example of a Botched Metaphor.
MIKE: Sounds pretty dry and clinical to me.
CROW: So it's Data then?

I used to love the musky perfume

CROW: But now I like delicate florals, with a hint of citrus.

of the rain that wafted into that dark cavity in my heart.

TOM: Try some Crest, the Cavity Fighter.

It nuzzled

MIKE: Maybe the speaker has a puppy named Rain?

against the walls of my loneliness and embraced

CROW: See? I was right, wasn't I.

the withering soul that still lingered unwillingly behind. But when the rain stopped, the old grief would return leaving me insatiably hungering

CROW: For more of that cool liquid lovin'.

for yet another distraction, another chimera.

MIKE: Maybe her pet Rain is actually a lion with a goat growing out if its back.
CROW: Then why would she want two of them?
MIKE: Maybe she's crazy?

That was what you, Squall Leonhart, was to me, the scent of the spring rain.

MIKE: (Squall) Brut, for that special scent.
TOM: There's a grammar error in there, I just know it.

Like the sweet north wind, you filled me and made me whole.

TOM: Now I'm confused. I thought this was water hentai.
MIKE: It is not.
CROW: Now it's turbulent and wet!
TOM: Goodness gracious, you need your mouth washed out with soap, young man!

That hazy dreamy unity that came in that split second before sleep.

TOM: Ooo, sleep. Sound's good. Think I'll go take a nap. ::Starts to get out of his seat::
CROW: Siddown, Servo. I suffer, we all suffer.

Now it made me wonder why, that when my world could not be more enticing, was also the very moment that you left it.

MIKE: To join the circus.
TOM: ::Starts drawing those sentence structures people learn in 8th grade:: That doesn't make any sense!

And then since then, for me, the cosmos was without silence.

TOM: Oh, so now sound travels in a vacuum?
MIKE: Squall! You broke the laws of physics!
CROW: (Scotty) You cannae break th'laws o' physics!

You took that precious end away from and gave it to her.

TOM: Away from whom?
MIKE: Away from And.
CROW: No, And's on first. Who is on second.

You will never understand what

MIKE: ...A torment it is to be blonde and beautiful.
CROW: Yeah, I see you relating to that problem all too well.
MIKE: Shut up, Crow.

darkness passed over my eyes

CROW: Because darkness thought Rinoa's eyes were prettier.

when I saw her holding your hand.

MIKE: ...In a basket.

Disgust, like the most bitter bile, filled my lungs and swelled up my throat.

TOM: That's gotta hurt!
CROW: I think the speaker is upset about something...
TOM: Possibly because she has a lung-full of stomach acid?
CROW: That'd do it.

It is not a girl's hand which you clasp, you hold a handful of maggots.

TOM: No Squall! Don't! It's not a girl, it's squirming nasty dung eating fly-spawn!
MIKE: She doesn't like that girl much.
CROW: Hmm...she's hardly bitter at all.

Oh that monger of men, vomiting affectionate lies, the Grendel out to destroy both kith and kin.

CROW: A man-mongering Grendel! You were right Tom, it's not a girl!
TOM: Quite an image there. She must be a looker...

Oh for shame upon shame, that wretched beast.

TOM: Yes, for shame on you for writing such a fic!
MIKE: It's shameless thesaurus abuse.
CROW: The public must be warned of this menace!

She dragged my beloved's name through muck and infamy, torn from my sex

CROW: ::Looks at Mike and points at fic vehemently::
MIKE: I'm sure that's not what she meant...
TOM: I'm gonna have to side with Crow on this one.

any dignity we came to posses in this day and age and stole my faithful love. To me she is the weak sparrow, the devil's child, a mad sadist,

CROW: So she's an insane, maggot-handed, man-mongering, sadistic, shameful, muck-tromping demon finch-beast?
TOM: No wonder Quistis is shocked that beast could take away the affections of the faithful Squall!
MIKE: Squall must have horrid taste in women.
TOM: By the way, what does a demon finch-beast look like?

pitiful wrench.

TOM: Craftsman or Huskey?
MIKE: It's the pitiful bargain basement brand!

She will always be the scum of our sex,

MIKE: ::Clamps a hand around Crow's mouth::
CROW: ::Muffled noise then pouts::
TOM: I think I'll pass. It's tempting, but even making you look like a fool wouldn't make up for the sheer twitch-factor.
MIKE: ::sarcastically:: Thanks.

the worst of her kind, and the slayer of her kin.

CROW: There's more than one demon finch-beast?
TOM: I think she's talking about Rinoa, you know, the girl Squall falls for in FFVIII?
CROW: Oh.

I see her hanging

TOM: ...Strung up on a tree outside Loredo.

there always, on the last thread of life looking for you to save her.

TOM: (Rinoa) Squall! Save me!
MIKE: Snippity-snip!

As she allowed the sorceress to possess her so that she would lure you into her vile despicable trap.

TOM: (Rinoa) ::rubbing hands together evilly:: It's my best plan yet!
CROW: (Rinoa) I'll get Seifer to cut off my leg so you will feel sorry for me!
MIKE: We had to burn the village to save it!

Yet, you forgave her readily with a simple toss of her hair

CROW: ...Over the railing....
TOM: Unfortunately, her hair was still connected to her body...
MIKE: (Squall) ::Looking down:: All's forgiven.

and a tap of her heel. What wretched spell has she cast over you Squall?

CROW: It's Love Potion Number 9!

Yet I cannot accept that this must be. She stole not an object from my side,

MIKE: ...But my collection of underwear!
TOM: ::Glares at Mike::

but a part of me, as dear as a limb or an organ.

TOM: (Quistis) My dear sweet liver, how I love thee!

I cannot watch you

TOM: ...Anymore, because you're ugly as Hades and I have a weak stomach.

make this mistake which I know to be wrong

MIKE: Because I am not at all biased.

no matter how willing you are to try.

CROW: I absolutely refuse to get in a ménage a troì.

Perhaps one day it will be your favorite blunder

MIKE: This is Uncle Kiros, my Favorite Blunder.

but I will be gone by then Squall. There will be no more of my way of life to salvage.

TOM: ...Since it shipwrecked on Island Jealousy.

I want you to see the truth and I desire

CROW: ...Some whipped cream and maybe a little leather...

it urgently.

MIKE: ::Singing:: Urgent, urgent, emergency!

The chance came one day in April. I saw you standing outside,

MIKE: My aim was perfect...

training on the plains,

CROW: Look Quistis, the plain, the plain!

standing with your face

TOM: Under your arm after that last Ruby Dragon got you.

to the cloud capped mountains.

CROW: Look at my new Cloud Cap!
TOM: It's all the rage!
MIKE: All the range!
CROW & TOM: ::Groan::

The monster's blue blood

TOM: Blue blooded monsters!
MIKE: They're old money.

squirted into the air as the life drained from him.

TOM: Er...his blood squirted and drained at the same time? How does that work?
CROW: Squall broke the laws of physics earlier. Nothing has to make sense anymore.
TOM: That's a relief. Certainly explains a lot.

You stood there, gunblade held stiffly

CROW: Nah...it's beneath my talent.

at your side, like a warrior who had fought a dozen battles too many. Weary.

MIKE: Yes, yes we are.
TOM: Very weary.
CROW: ::Sings:: I'm weary, oh so weary, and tired and bored and fey!
MIKE: 'Fey'?
CROW: It means a little crazy.
TOM: That you are.

You looked so weary, watching

MIKE: The grass grow.

yet another passing, without emotion, without care.

TOM: Well I care, guldarnnit! This hurts!

The rain began to fall.

MIKE: ...On the fanfic, causing the ink to run all over, ruining it.
CROW: Thus, the readers were unable to finish it.
TOM: And the readers breathed a sigh of relief and left the theater.
ALL: ::Get up and start to leave::
[Over the intercom] Dr. F: SIT back down this instant!
All: ::Sigh::

Yet you stood there without moving, like an object less than human, more than stone.

TOM: It's more than stone, it's Perm-a-stone!
CROW: Available at all Orchard Supply Warehouses.

Perhaps you were like me, a thing of shriveled up bone and skin and that dry decaying interior longs for the rain to moisten and animate it once more.

CROW: Words of one syllable or less, please!

However, that longing can no more be satisfied than my

CROW: Deep and ardent desire to have my way with you.

longing for your embrace.

TOM: ::Singing:: I keep cryin', baby, baby, pleeeeease!
CROW: ::Singing:: Every breath you take...and every move you make...
TOM: ::Singing:: Every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you!
MIKE: Sting you ain't.

Water cannot revive that experience had taken away.

TOM: ::Scratches head:: What...?
CROW: I don't get it. That has nothing to do with water lemon. Does it?

They say that mother nature is the strongest force of all

MIKE: Who the hell says that?
TOM: Uh...can't say I know...
CROW: The author, it seems.

but even she cannot mend a boy's broken heart.

CROW: No, that takes a Band-Aid. And a cookie.
TOM: Or a kiss to make it better.

When Ellone left she took your lifeblood with her.

MIKE: That'd make life rather inconvenient.
TOM: She's a vampire! Get the stake!

You are my fellow prisoner here

CROW: THEY'RE PRISONERS TOO?
TOM: ::Looking around frantically:: Where are they?!

beside me in Balamb,

MIKE: I think she means Bedlam.

the dead city, a place without individuality, without effervesce.

TOM: Mike, what does effervesce mean?
MIKE: ::Frantically flips through a dictionary::

Even Rinoa could not tear you away from here,

MIKE: Because Quistis had super-glued him to the chair.

from your grave. The dead cannot rejoin the living, Squall, no matter how they may try.

TOM: Masterful grasp of the obvious!
CROW: Indeed sir!
MIKE: ::Applauds in a snooty, refined sort of way::

We walk among the ranks of the living dead.

CROW: It's the Ranks of the Living Dead!
TOM: Sounds like a bad movie.
MIKE: And lord knows we're experts in that field.

Until the day comes when some mission actually cures us of this oxymoron

CROW: Oxymorons are curable?
MIKE: In the mean time, they can pretend their oxymoron is cured.

and actually sends us to the netherworld,

CROW: Ending the fic...

we can only draw in breath by breath,

CROW: Waiting for the end of the fic...

like a machine taught to perform an action habitually.

TOM: I resent that!
CROW: We machines are much smarter than that.
MIKE: Well...you habitually have your head in the gutter...

I ran outside then with an umbrella.

TOM: How do you run outside then? Is then a place?

I came to a halt beside you and tried my best to shelter you from the rain.

CROW: By tackling you and covering you with my warm, lusting body.

The streams cutting their way down your features

MIKE: Adding even more scars to your face....
TOM: That's some harsh rain.
CROW: Probably upset that this didn't turn into a water lemon.

were abruptly stopped as I stood here, in your proximity.

CROW: It is Data! Only he would say 'proximity' when referring to the one he lo~ves.
MIKE: It is not! Because if it was, this fic would be far more terrifying!
TOM: By an order of magnitude!
CROW: OK, OK, forget I said anything! Geez...

You did not look at me but merely allowed your eyes

MIKE: To roam unfettered upon the wild plain.

to remain hidden under your dark hair.

"It's raining, Squall," I said

TOM: Just in case you didn't know.
CROW: ...And the rain's mad, by the way.

breathlessly. "Come inside."

CROW: You hunka-hunka burnin' love!

You did not answer because

MIKE: You still had your head tucked under your arm.

you did not hear me, never heard me.

CROW: I guess he's deaf.
MIKE: (Squall) Speak up, I can't hear you!

You and I, we live on two islands and the water between us are these fleeing words.

MIKE: And the words were fleeing because of the abuse heaped on them in this fic.

Her words however, do not vanish, they sit here like a granite wall between us.

TOM: Those are some serious big words.
MIKE: I knew the author liked big words, but this is ridiculous!

I see you beyond that wall. I just wish there was some way for me to scale this obstacle, to go where you are and hold you in my arms,

MIKE: Shut up, Crow.
CROW: I didn't say anything!
MIKE: It was a preemptive 'shut up'.

protecting you from her despicable actions. Oh how I despise her pompous attitude, her sadistic self pity

CROW: ::Checking the thesaurus:: That's not right!
TOM: What? This entire demented situation we find ourselves in day after day, week after week?
CROW: No...she shoulda said 'masochistic'...
TOM: Oh.

and her weak damsel facade.

TOM: She sure does have a lot of faces for a demon finch-beast.

"Squall," I pleaded once more.

CROW: Come, let us run away to a world of endless pleasure!

"Leave me alone." You finally said like I was

MIKE: Annoying, grating, and very very bitter.
TOM: Which was a fairly accurate description.

a gadfly here to pester and prick you.

CROW: And I'd like a side of fries with my thesaurus.

I gave you shelter, Squall, from the storm,

TOM: It was just an umbrella, no big deal.

from Seifer, from loneliness, from failure. I spent my life giving you that boundless affection which only a lover could.

CROW: Then why is she complaining?

I'm not your sister Squall, I lied.

MIKE: ::Deep voice:: No, I am your father!
TOM: Mike, just stop now, before you hurt yourself.

I love you as fiercely as any hot blooded woman.

CROW: How does she know how fierce hot-blooded women love?
TOM: That's....that's just wrong, Crow.

I spoke that little fib because I was a coward. I wanted to be close to you,

MIKE: I think we figured that out by now.
TOM: Not exactly a news flash.

just to be close to you even if that meant giving you to her. But not today. In the rain, in the ashen landscape here, my home, I believed again in you and me.

TOM: ::Clears throat to sing::
MIKE: NO! Cut it out! Your singing is worse than the fic.
TOM: ::Looks affronted:: Hmmph.

I kissed the tender edge of your lips, where the raindrops had resided.

CROW: Well, finally, the rain is getting a little action.

They hung onto my lips as I pulled back with my eyes

TOM: In reverse...and it was a little uncomfortable, using my eyes as wheels.

closed. So this was the way it was, the product of so many lovely reveries, of devouring you with my eyes day in and day out.

MIKE: Well...her eyes have got to be stuffed by now...

This tiny insignificant contact of my skin against yours, this was what so many love stories were written about.

MIKE: No, this is what so many cheap romance novels are written about.
TOM: And how, exactly, did you acquire that nifty bit of knowledge?
MIKE: I don't wish to discuss that.

I did not want it to end. I wanted to believe that when I opened my eyes you would smile at me as you did upon her. You would take me by the waist and kiss me here in the storm I saw myself hurling the umbrella uncaringly into the air.

CROW: ::plays romantic violin music::
TOM: (Radio announcer) There's an APB out for a renegade comma that has escaped from this sentence...please be on the look out for any suspicious punctuation.... Suspect's is described as short and curving slightly to the left.
MIKE: Beat it into the ground, why don't you?

In that vision I unclipped my hair and strolled through the silky mud,

TOM: Silky...mud?
MIKE: Is that a curable oxymoron?

laughing with the promise of a future beautiful.

"Instructor Quistis."

MIKE: I told you it wasn't Data.

I heard you say and my heart sank. No, it was not just my heart. Everything within me fell to my feet.

ALL: ::Grimace::
TOM: That's gonna be messy.

I was no more. My skin caved in and I died there,

MIKE: And finally, the fic was over.
[ Over intercom ] Dr. F: No! It's not over yet!
TOM: But it has to be! The main character just died!

yet another metaphorical death.

TOM: Oh. It was just pretend.
CROW: Stop teasing us like that!

"You don't love me?"

TOM: Should you break the news to her, or shall I?
MIKE: You do the honors.
TOM: ::Toward screen:: DUH!

I asked like a naive girl. I pondered my question under my breath for my ears only but you heard, and you answered.

TOM: (Quistis) Oh so now he hears me...
CROW: I think that perhaps some introductions are in order.
MIKE: What do you mean?
CROW: We should introduce the author to our good friend, the Comma.

"Quistis, I-"

MIKE: Joined the circus, and they don't like us to have girlfriends, especially the sideshow freaks.

"No!" I answered as I stepped back. "No, don't say it. Don't say anything at all."

CROW: That should be a stretch for Squall.

And you did.

CROW: Did what? Said something? That's out of character!

You did what you did best. You said nothing.

TOM: (Squall) Nothing.

I could not stand it. You knew! I could hide it nevermore.

MIKE: (Quistis) I only have four toes...

I could never again pretend not to care. Because I have given you my heart

CROW: And my spleen, my pancreas, and a kidney.

and you have given me none in return.

CROW: And after all that, I need some organs back!

And so I ran, I turned and sprinted from you as fast my rage would take me. However, I fled in vain. The further I traveled, the further my heart was from me.

TOM: Because I had dropped it earlier when everything else fell out and onto my feet.
CROW: Does the five-second rule apply to internal organs?

You Squall, you are like the April rain, holding me in a spellbound silence. But now the rain was gone

CROW: Before I could kiss it goodbye...I'll miss that rain...
TOM: It's a SIMILE, Crow. The rain wasn't literally holding her or anything.
CROW: Oh...well...maybe it was her pet chimera then?
TOM: ::Rolls eyes:: You're hopeless.

and although here I stand staring at the spring sky willing it stay, I know that it would go on.

MIKE: ::Singing:: My heart will go oooon!
TOM: You're no Celine yerself.

Only after the rain passes can there be sunshine. Only when the exquisite grieving rain dies can the clean undaunted sunlight break through.

CROW: The thesaurus! It's flatlining!
TOM: (Page voice) Calling Dr. Webster, you are needed in the reference room stat.
CROW: ::Miming he's holding defibrillator paddles:: CLEAR! Bzzap!
MIKE: It's no use...it's suffered too much.
ALL: ::Bow their heads in a moment of silence::

Perhaps, it will be better that way, one day maybe I too will see.

MIKE: In the mean time, I'll keep my seeing-eye chimera and this convenient white cane.

But now, now I shall mourn for the passing of the rain.

CROW: I, however, will not mourn the end of this fic.
TOM: Preach it!
MIKE: Let's just get out of here...and make sure we keep the thesauruses of the world out of Kate's hands.

6...5...4...3...2...1...

The three unhappy inhabitants of the Satellite of Love trudged out of the theater.

"Phew, glad that's over," Tom sighed. "That one nearly blew my language chip."

"I hear ya," Crow sympathized.

Just as Mike, Tom, and Crow were about to sit down to enjoy a well-earned snack, the intercom came on again.

"Whoo hoo, no time to relax!" Dr. Forrester blared, "That was just the first fic! We still have one more to go! And this one is even better than the last!"

Somewhere in deep space, a blood-curdling scream is heard.

"WE HAVE FIC SIGN!"

1...2...3...4...5...6...

Gold Beauty
Kate Lorraine

CROW: ::Shifty look:: Just a second. ::Ducks under seat::
TOM: What are you doing?
CROW: ::From under seat:: I'm hiding the thesauruses, for their own safety!
TOM: ::Pauses:: That's 'thesauri', by the way.
CROW: ...What? How do you know?
TOM: I looked it up.

Beauty (noun): the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit

CROW: OOoooooo. I like the sound of that.

Squall Leonhart had just met a girl at the dance.

CROW: Good, good, establish the scene, make your readers feel as though they are right inside the story.

She was a cute twirling little floozy that had momentarily captured his attention. Gone now. He had known girls like that before. They were generally called whores.

TOM: Squall the whoremonger.
CROW: Yeah, sure he had known girls like that...and he wonders where the money's gone.

She was pretty, true, but plain. Brunettes like her were a gil a dozen.

TOM: Squall is such a judgmental little twit.

No he was exaggerating. They were more like ten gil for one, if you liked the cheap kind.

TOM: Mike, this is one of those 'you get what you pay for' things, right?
MIKE: Tom! How am I supposed to know that?
CROW: So you mean you never paid for a dip into the forbidden inkwell?
MIKE: I can't believe you two!
CROW: Come on! How else are we supposed to think you ever scored? Look at you!
MIKE: CROW!!

Nida, from what Squall had heard, had gotten himself one for twenty gil and his nuts ached for a week from that hole. 

ALL: ::uncomfortable silence::
TOM: She's talking about h-hex nuts, right? To put machines together, right?
MIKE: ::Cough::
TOM: ::Grasping Mike's shirt with both hands, shaking him:: Tell me! Wing nuts! By all things good and pure, tell me she's talking about wing nuts!
CROW: ::Twitching::

You see when you buy whores

TOM: And when you buy groceries, you smell.
CROW: You might, Servo, but the rest of us don't.

you need can't play cheapskate.

TOM: We all need a little can't in our lives!

Squall tapped some of the ashes from his cigarette over the ledge of the balcony.

MIKE: Since when does Squall smoke?

The ashes disappeared into the wind as did the smoke he softly exhaled from his lungs.

The grey matter twirled in the air

TOM: He's losing his mind!
CROW: It fell right out of his head, and twirled away...

like that little slut he had met a few minutes before. For a moment he felt content, here in his self imposed prison. Sometimes things just go so goddamn low that you simply don't give a shit anymore about anything.

MIKE: Squall curses too?
CROW: Wait! It's not Squall! It's really Cid Highwind!
TOM: With dyed hair and gay leather clothes!

You just wanted someone to tell you what to do so that you can be a fucking machine.

TOM: I resent that!
CROW: She's making this far too easy. Just hand it to me on a silver platter, why don't you?

Yes, this was the life,

MIKE: Kicking back, relaxing on the Satellite of Love, being driven slowly insane by bad fanfic...
TOM: Pass me the sunscreen, will ya, Mike?

being the living dead,

CROW: And after our special engagement of Ranks of the Living Dead, we present Being the Living Dead!

just another part in this giant

TOM: What part is he? The leg? The toe?
CROW: The butt?

mother fucking army.

ALL: ::stunned silence::
MIKE: Maybe this is Cid in Squall's clothing.
CROW: So is it the army on the mom or is the mom screwin' the army?
TOM & MIKE: ::Glare at Crow::

As Squall heard footsteps

MIKE: He guessed that someone must be walking.

approaching from behind he tossed his cigarette over the rail of the balcony.

TOM: And into a heap of petroleum-soaked stubble, thus blowing Garden to Kingdom Come.
MIKE: As a side effect, the fic was over.
CROW: If wishes were horses...

No smoking in Garden, like they didn't know that ninety nine percent of Garden secretly lite up a smoke now and then.

TOM: Well, I don't know about you, but I want to stay in the one percent of the Garden that doesn't spontaneously combust.
CROW: Well, we know the spell-checker had the night off for this fic.
MIKE: Maybe Garden Secretly Lite is a brand of cigarettes.

The stress here was so goddamn high.

MIKE: Something tells me the stress wasn't the only one high.

Only about 10% of the students actually got

CROW: ...Some, the rest were geeks who couldn't even pay for it.
MIKE: You're enjoying this whole prostitution motif just a little too much, Crow.

into SeeD and once you get in,

MIKE: You don't get out.

you probably died somewhere

MIKE: I haven't died yet.
TOM: ::Looks at self:: Nope, I probably haven't died either, how about you, Crow?
CROW: Not me, no.

in some god forsaken desert fighting for some idiot's lost cause.

MIKE: If the job sucks that much, then quit!

This was all just horseshit.

TOM: Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. The fic's not that bad.
CROW: You're only saying that because we haven't finished yet.

There was no future, for any of them,

TOM: Now that is downright fatalistic!
MIKE: We wouldn't be cracking these jokes if that were true, mister!

there were all destined to either fail or die. There was no choice number three.

CROW: So, if he passes he dies?
TOM: What, get an A, get popped?
CROW: There's some motivation to excel for ya.

So why not light up a smoke now and then? What's the worse that can happen?

TOM: Lung disease, emphysema, cancer of the throat...
MIKE: Chronic halitosis...
CROW: The complete inability to get any chicks...

That you would actually enjoy a moment of your life before you are maimed, crippled or murdered?

CROW: Because it would be a challenge to enjoy your life after.
MIKE: Especially if you were murdered. That sorta precludes enjoying life.

"So you would dance with a girl you don't even know but you won't even talk to me?" a voice asked from behind. He chuckled internally.

MIKE: ...Causing a hemorrhage. He was rushed to the hospital, where he was declared dead.
CROW: One way or another, he's brain-dead.

He did not even have the energy to sarcastically respond back out loud.

CROW: Scandal! Blasphemy!
TOM: There's ALWAYS energy for a sarcastic quip!

Quistis Trepe.

MIKE: What kind of name is that, anyway?
CROW: Is it 'kisstis' or 'kwistis'?
TOM: Who ever named her should be hung from the ceiling by the toes.

His teacher.

TOM: Note, gentle readers, that Quistis Trepe is his teacher.
CROW: There will be a quiz after the fic.

What a surprise. Quistis Trepe, his teacher,

TOM: Yes, we have established this, not that long ago.
CROW: I'm not surprised either.

was no whore, as Squall knew.

CROW: Because he had already tried to pick her up.

She was a good woman in the classroom.

CROW: But outside, she was very...naughty.
TOM: ::Groans:: You're slipping, Crow.
CROW: Oh shuddup.

She tried to care for them all. She tried to convince them all that

TOM: She had some idea what the bloody hell she was talking about.
MIKE: Not all were convinced.

they actually had a future to look forward to.

TOM: That's what people usually do with the future, look forward to it.
CROW: If we could look back on it before it happened, we'd all be saved a lot of grief.
MIKE: It's the subtle statement of the mind-numbingly obvious that I enjoy.

Now and then her conviction was so strong that

MIKE: It ran faster than a speeding bullet!
TOM: Leapt tall buildings in a single bound!
CROW: Contrived nauseating fanfiction!

Squall often wondered if she actually deluded herself into believing that garbage or maybe she was just plain stupid and she didn't know any better.

TOM: Because as we all know, life sucks and anyone cheerful is automatically a dolt.

It didn't matter actually.

TOM: ::Singing:: Nothing really matters...anyone can see...nothing really matters, nothing really matters...
ALL: ::Singing:: To meeeee...

She was a teacher,

TOM: So we hear.

it wasn't her bloody corpse that would litter the battle field.

CROW: Keep our country beautiful; put your bloody corpse in its proper receptacle.
TOM: And remember; always recycle!

She had a reason to be idealistic, she was here in the safety of her little classroom.

CROW: It wouldn't be all that safe if someone were to, oh, I don't know, invade?
MIKE: That happened in the game, didn't it?

"You're a teacher,"

TOM: Yes, yes, yes, we got it already!

Squall finally responded as he stared straight

CROW: At her ample chest.
TOM: Uh...have you seen Quistis?

ahead, refusing to look at her. Why was he afraid? Because she was beautiful?

TOM: ::Poses:: Don't fear me because I'm beautiful...

Because he too had once loved her just like those goddamn trepies? "I feel like there is something wrong when you don't talk."

MIKE: Riiiight. This is Squall we're talking about.
CROW: He never talks. He just thinks really hard, giving himself brain freezes.

"Why are you so bitter?" She asked gently.

MIKE: Wait a minute...this is Quistis, right?
TOM: Yes, that fact was bludgeoned into our brains only a few paragraphs before.
MIKE: So, exactly why is she asking Squall about being bitter?
TOM: ::Deep in thought:: I don't really know...

You know why, bitch Squall

CROW: Well, he certainly looks like he hops the fence in those leather pants.

thought to himself as he felt a sudden surge of

TOM: ...Electricity, thus killing him and ending the fic.

indignation.

ALL: Damn.
TOM: So close...!

She was just playing with him,

TOM: And beating the pants off him at Go Fish.

acting stupid.

MIKE: Well, isn't that a surprise.

Oh she loved the fact that she had been the one to break him.

MIKE: I'd love to break him...scrawny little...

He was cold, uncaring, distant, aloof.

TOM: Yep. That's why he's so pissed off, because he doesn't care.
CROW: Makes sense to me.

If he was on a steady march to his death he wasn't going to give them the pleasure of seeing him wither.

CROW: Heh...I'm surprised he can get up long enough to wither...
MIKE: Crow...
TOM: It's the Viagra.
MIKE: Not you too, Tom!

Nothing gained, nothing lost. He wanted to embrace death when it came to him, to make love to it like a good whore.

TOM: Oh gross!
MIKE: Squall's a necrophile?!
CROW: Gah! Even I can't make anything out of that!
TOM: Why hasn't he just shot himself by now?

But she had broken him.  

CROW: Hey, I wanted to do that!
TOM: Do we get to break him next? Can we? Please?

He should have known that she had set a trap for him.

MIKE: Well of course he should. All good-looking blondes love to tease. ::Rolls eyes::

Those goddamn Trepies, he should have known the moment he saw those Trepies following her around. She was like the goddamn virgin mary to them.

MIKE: So...a virgin mary is basically a glass of tomato juice?
CROW: That's about as interesting as a virgin screwdriver!
TOM: So I take it Trepies are people who like tomato juice?

Well there was a reason she was so damn holy.

TOM: Isn't that an oxymoron?
CROW: Lemme check the thesaurus...

She gave herself to no one, not even him.  

TOM: And he knows this because he is the one and only sex god in Garden, and so therefor she must be either gay or a nun if she didn't want him.

It was about two months ago when he had stayed late after class for one of her study sessions.

CROW: Heh...extra-curricular activities, heh...

Despite the fact that it was after school, the classroom was packed wall to wall, as if it was the latest porn movie that they were gathered to see instead of some silly lecture on potions and elixirs.

TOM: Lectures after school?
MIKE: In Garden they show porn movies in classrooms?
CROW: I wanna take classes at Garden...

But watching Quistis Trepe was probably just as good as any goddamn porn movie.

MIKE: That would depend on what she was doing, I guess.

She was sexy and she knew it.

TOM: (Quistis) ::Singing:: I'm too sexy for this class, too sexy for this class, no way I'm gonna teach you.
CROW: (Quistis) ::Singing:: I'm a teacher, you know what I mean! I do my little math on the chalkboard, yeah, on the chalkboard...on the chalkboard yeah! I do my little math on the chalkboard.

That goddamn whip, that bare belly and that skin tight outfit. She was out to seduce everyone.  

TOM: ::Sarcastically:: Well obviously. Geez...
MIKE: Of course there was no other possible reason for her to dress like that.
CROW: And goodness knows, she would never have picked a whip as her favorite weapon if it hadn't been for all the kinky sexual connotations.
TOM: This whole fic has been nothing but kinky sexual connotations.

"Quistis," he had implored her, after everyone left. It did take a goddamn long time though since all the little boys wanted to linger behind and drool at her navel.

CROW: Well...a class full of horndogs would certainly do that.
TOM: Or one horndog in particular would certainly think that's why everyone stayed.
MIKE: Life as seen through testosterone-colored glasses.

She smiled at him that day and she looked so seductive with her moist lips opened a slit over her glistening teeth. The stupid bitch, she knew she was making him as hard as a mutt in heat.  

ALL: ::Clear throats::
TOM: That's...um...
MIKE: Yeah...uh...er...
TOM: D-don't the...uh...female d-dogs go into heat...? And not the, uh, males?
MIKE: I think it would be best if we just left that alone and went on with the fic. Forget we ever read it.
CROW: Now I feel dirty...

"Yes Squall? Do you want to ask me something?"  

CROW: Yes, we can make beauteeful muuusic together! Come with me to the Casbaaahhh...

"Yeah," he had replied studying her.

CROW: Undressing her with his eyes...
TOM: Cro~w.
CROW: You know he is, Tom.
TOM: Well, yeah, but still, you didn't need to say anything.
CROW: That's my job, gumballs-for-brains!
TOM: ::Sniffs in disdain::

She wanted him, he knew it.

TOM: Typical male ego.
CROW: (Squall) ::Poses:: I am Adonis; adore me.

It was so goddamn obvious,

TOM: To everyone but Quistis.

all those little touches, little gestures, little remarks that she placed on his papers. She was just waiting for him to make the first move, the goddamn bitch.

TOM: Gee, he sure is the sensitive type.
CROW: Nope, he's no male chauvinist pig, is he?
MIKE: He's giving us a bad name.

She stood there waiting, smiling, knowing what he was struggling to say.  "I like you," he said quietly.

MIKE: Oh yeah, that's what he was struggling to say.
CROW: He was...because he really wanted to talk all sorts of dirty. It was a struggle to say anything else.

It was a little whisper, almost a thought instead of a sound. He watched her, straining to keep his eyes on her and not look away in shame. I like you, Quistis Trepe. You give me hope, hope for something better than all this rot.

CROW: Oh don't lie, Squall! You mean Quistis gives you something to think about when it's just you and...nevermind.
MIKE: Didn't he just get through saying anyone cheerful was an idiot?
CROW: Yes, actually he did.
TOM: So that must make him an idiot.
MIKE: Yeah, that's a news flash.

You're no whore, Quistis Trepe, please show me that you are no whore.  

CROW: Yeah, Quistis, show me...heh, heh.
TOM: Crow, you're awful.
MIKE: What's awful is that Squall thinks anyone who doesn't like him must be a whore.
CROW: I guess that makes the Satellite of Love a brothel.

"What?" She asked bending down with a coy smile on her face.

TOM: Why did she lean over? Squall is taller than she is.
MIKE: You don't know why?
TOM: Yes, Mike, of course I know. That's why I'm asking, you moron!
CROW: It's called cleeeevage.
TOM: Huh?
MIKE: Nevermind.

"Can you repeat that? I didn't quite catch what you said."  Shut up bitch, you knew what I said.

CROW: Because as we all know, beautiful people we have desperate crushes on can read us like an open book.

"Nevermind," he replied turning away.

CROW: Now wait a minute! Why did we switch out of first person?
MIKE: When did we switch into it?
TOM: A few sentences ago, when Squall was thinking.
CROW: So he stopped thinking, then?

She caught his arm.

MIKE: ...In a bear trap, causing Squall to scream like a girl.

"Did you just say that you like me? As in like, like?" She asked like some goddamn two year old.  

MIKE: We were wrong...
TOM: This can't be Cid.
CROW: Cid is a swearing virtuoso. This Squall dude is an amateur compared to him.
MIKE: My ninety-seven year old grandma can swear better than he can!

He nodded.  "Oh my," she said, still smiling, looking more fake than a plastic mannequin.  

CROW: Don't you just wish, Squall.

"So?" he asked, watching her.  "So what?"  

CROW: My thoughts exactly!

"So do you like me?"

ALL: No.
CROW: If I were her, I'd flunk you outta class just to get away from you.

There was a long silence then as she stared at him.  "Squall I don't think you understand. I'm . .I'm married to my solitude."

MIKE: What?! She's eighteen for cryin' out loud! It's not like she's been a teacher for years uncounted!
CROW: That makes no sense.

She told him, finally. "My teaching job

TOM: AAAGGH!!!
MIKE: ::Shaking Tom:: Get a hold of yourself!
TOM: BUT SHE'S A TEACHER!! AAAGGH!!! ::Pant, pant::

. .surely you understand right?"  

MIKE: Of course not. He's a walking hormone. He doesn't understand anything.

He stood there frozen, unable to move. She had rejected him.

CROW: No...she just doesn't want to have her face plastered all over the 9 o'clock news for boinking a student!

The only woman he had ever loved, did not love him back.

CROW: The correct term is 'lusted'. And I guarantee, you'll find more chicks to dig.

He had thought that this time things would change.

MIKE: This time?
CROW: I thought he just got through saying she was his first love...
TOM: Maybe he told her he liked her yesterday.
CROW: That would explain how she knew what he was going to say.

If she said yes, something would change.

CROW: Yeah, Squall would finally get some!

He would break out of this cycle of hate and sorrow but there was no way out, not for the likes of him.

TOM: Love, hate, what's the difference?

Stupid bitch, he cursed to himself but the curses did not help.

MIKE: He's been calling her that all along and only now calls it cursing?

Not now. Not here. He had reached out to her and she had refused. He would never forget this rejection, never forgive her for this injustice.

MIKE: Poor baby didn't get his way.
CROW: It's just not fair!

She was the devil's bride to lead him into this trap of seduction and then reject him.

TOM: Squall, Squall...you gotta see it was your hormones that did this to you, not her!
MIKE: Give it up, Tom. He's seventeen. He knows everything.

Married to solitude? More like married to lucifer.

MIKE: So what exactly is a lucifer, and how does one marry it?
TOM: I think the author is making a subtle statement about her religious views, specifically as they relate to Catholicism. By not capitalizing the names of figures from that particular faith, she is letting us know she doesn't believe in them.
CROW: Well that's stupid. Should I say hercules and jupiter and neptune just because I don't go in for worshipping Roman gods?
TOM: ...Or her finger could have slipped off the Shift key.

And then he had turned,

CROW: Right into Seifer, crashing into him. They tumbled to the floor in a big, embarrassing heap, then proceeded to beat each other's brains out.

leaving the room feeling

MIKE: ...Very dejected, because rooms get lonely too, you know.

the tears burning his eyes.

CROW: (Tears) Burn, baby, burn!
TOM: (Tears) Heh mm heh mm...Fire, heh heh mm heh...

He had drove his fists into the wall of his dorm,

TOM: But he was pulled over for driving a fist under the influence.

refusing to cry,

CROW: Yeah! Be a man, Squall!

refusing to allow her rejection hurt him but it did, like

CROW: ...An annoying cousin bent on poking him to death with his finger.
MIKE: And we all know how much that hurts.

a wildfire spreading in his chest.

ALL: ::Wince::
MIKE: That's gotta be painful.
TOM: I think that was the point.

It was truly the worst day of his life, soon however to be surpassed by the day of his death which loomed not far on the horizon.

MIKE: Now wait a second! He just said he wanted to get it on with death!
TOM: Gah, don't remind me!
CROW: Continuity? What is this, continuity?

"Meet me in the training center,"

CROW: I'll bring my whip...

she implored. "I have something to tell you."

TOM: (Quistis) I'm really a fat, seventy-eight year old transvestite. I just hide it real well.

"Dammit Quistis," Squall replied, "If you have anything to tell me say it here."

MIKE: ::Pointing at lapel:: Riiiight here, that's where the mike is hidden.

There was long silence before she walked up to the balcony beside him. "They took away my teacher's license

TOM: YYYEeeeEEEAAARG!! ::Head explodes::
CROW: But it said she's not a teacher, Tom.
TOM: ::Ducks under seat, returns with head:: Oh.

Squall, now I'm a SeeD just like you."

TOM: What, she's a horny, leather-clad, pubescent moron?
CROW: That's what Squall's rooting for.

He grunted softly

MIKE & TOM: ::Warning look at Crow::
CROW: Fine, fine...

as he finally felt a smile begin to play on his lips.

TOM: (Smile) Weee! Weee!
CROW: Why look, there's a smile, frolicking on Squall's face!

"Why are you telling me this?" "Because I thought I could confide in you, you are the only one I trust."

MIKE: She obviously doesn't have many friends.

It made him want to laugh, laugh bitterly, so bitterly.

TOM: So you think he's feeling a little bitter right now?
CROW: There's a good chance.

"I have something to tell you as well, Instructor Trepe," he replied. "Really?" She asked in surprise, looking at him with such innocent eyes. He could just imagine what she was expecting him to say. I still love you instructor Trepe, I'm your goddamn spaniel.

CROW: Look, that's an insult to spaniels everywhere.

It made him want to scuff in disgust.

TOM: Scuff? Scuff what?
MIKE: I dunno, his shoes maybe?
CROW: Disgusting shoes! I shall scuff thee!

"I told the Garden Masters you were having an affair with me," Squall said.

MIKE: See, Squall? That's why teachers don't get involved with their students.

"You are a goddamn bitch."

TOM: As if we didn't already know you thought that, Squall...
CROW: You know, I think the author needs to go to Cid for cussing lessons.

She stared at him, unbelievingly. "No," she whispered as tears began to appear from her eyes. "No, you didn't."

TOM: She's only shocked because she had the good sense to trust this moron.

For a moment he felt a measure of sympathy for her, but only for a moment.

CROW: Sympathy for your victims? Little late, aren't we?

She deserved this, the bitch.

TOM: Yes, Squall, we know. If you didn't think that, you wouldn't have told the Garden Masters, now would you.
MIKE: This twit is giving me hives. I don't know how much more of this attitude I can stand!

Her chastity hurt more men than promiscuity ever could.

MIKE: Because, as we all know, men die if they can't get any on a regular basis.
CROW: What a line.
TOM: Oh, it's gotta be tough excersizing self-control.
CROW: And we all know that blows to the ego are far more painful than dying from syphilis or AIDS.

So who did she think she was? Wearing that slutty clothes, strutting around like a goddamn harlot.

TOM: Argh! All through the beginning he was touting her purity, and now, some five minutes later fic-time, he's calling her a harlot?!
MIKE: He's a very confused dude.

She deserved this and more. She wiped away her tears suddenly and glared at him. He didn't care. Death was coming, he was a Seed now.

CROW: I guess no one told him about the fury of women scorned...
TOM: He'll be wishing for death all right.

It was only so long before he could leave this charade forever. He would die victorious, a gifted fighter to the end.

TOM: Meanwhile, in the raging ego department...

A short glorious life instead of a long dull one. Wasn't that the offer Thetis made to Achilles?

MIKE: I dunno. Was it?
CROW: It's a shameless historical reference!
TOM: Bow to the author's mighty knowledge!

Yes, he was Achilles, the great hero of the Trojan war

MIKE: Delusions of grandeur...check...

but the difference was that he would not be remembered.

TOM: ::Frowns:: Unfortunately, he's leaving such a horrid impression I don't think I'll have trouble remembering.
MIKE: Even when we don't want to.

Another soldier fighting for some corrupt institution, not for any romantic cause. For money, so that this Garden of evil could kidnap more orphans and turn them into cold blooded soldiers.

CROW: Bit~ter much!

He was without illusion

MIKE: Oh, yeah, he's the clearest thinking guy I've ever seen.
TOM: Oh, if only I could see the world with your clarity of vision, Squall. How must it be to know no delusion? No bias?
CROW: I could tell you, but then I don't want to make you feel bad, what with you being mired in inferiority and all...
TOM & MIKE: Can it, Crow.

and without motivation. Take death not failure, that was his only motivation.

CROW: ::Mutters:: Considering what he wants to do to little miss death...
MIKE: I thought I said we should pretend we didn't read that.
CROW: Well I've been traumatized, OK?! Besides, that was about the mutt.
MIKE: Oh. Well...I've been trying to forget everything anyway.
CROW: That's probably for the best.

Quistis was still watching him. Finally she spoke, her voice calm and without fear. "Well, I see I made the right choice then, Squall."

MIKE: Oh yeah...because if I'd a said I liked you then...whoooo-eeee.
CROW: Yeah, Mister Ego himself woulda made a fine boyfriend.

"What do you mean?"

CROW: (Quistis) I mean you are a total loser.
TOM: (Quistis) I mean I hate you.

"Cid and I had a small talk tonight.

CROW: (Quistis) We decided to enroll you in Swearing 101.
MIKE: ::Nudges Crow:: Wrong Cid.
CROW: It is? How many Cids are there?
TOM: Do you really want to know?

I recommended that he send you on a mission to assist the Timber Owls, a mission from which you won't return from.

CROW: Yes, from this mission which we got from these people from this city from the other continent, well, from it you won't return from.
MIKE: Don't you think you're overdoing it a touch?
CROW: ::Huffs:: Never.

Do you know their leader?

ALL: No.
TOM: And we would rather not, if you don't mind.

Rinoa Heartilly, a complete idiot.

TOM: I wonder, is Rinoa an idiot?
CROW: You know Tom, I just can't tell.

She'll kill you guys faster than the ground would if I hurled you off this balcony right now."

TOM: C'mon, test it test it!

Squall stared at her unable

CROW: At least that's better than drooling at her navel.

to respond. Quistis merely smiled.

MIKE: ::Self-righteous indignation:: And this after all she's done to Squall!
TOM: What a monster! All he gets is a smile?!

"I'm glad we had this talk. I thought before I came that a wall would give me more comfort than you would

CROW: Ooo, that's cold.
TOM: I hesitate to ask, but how exactly would she know?
MIKE: What the hell?
TOM: How would she know a wall was more comforting?
MIKE: Don't make me hurt you, Tom.

but I was wrong. This talk was strangely comforting. Now good night, sleep tight, Squall, the SeeD."

ALL: ::Awed silence::
CROW: Me~ow!

Quistis turned and left, left him standing there in the moonlight. Through the blur in eyes,

TOM: Is that like a drive-in movie?
CROW: Or a drive-through restaurant?
MIKE: Or a phone-in contest?

through the pounding fury,

TOM: Can dish it out but you can't take it, eh, Squall?

he saw nothing but gold. The color of her hair as she retreated into the ballroom. Golden skies. The embrace of death.

CROW: Aaghh...again with the necrophilia.

What beautiful gold beauty.

TOM: What a hideous fic.

The End

ALL: Thank God!

TOM: I was beginning to reeeeally hate that Squall!

6...5...4...3...2...1...

Mike, Crow, and Tom exit the theater, wanting to relax but wary that another fic is on its way. All three cringe when the viewer comes to life.

"So, have you been rendered into gibbering idiots? How were they?" Dr. Forrester asked, voice full of malicious glee.

All three perked right up, realizing that this meant there were no more fics waiting in the wings. "Oh, they were fine," Mike answered breezily, "Can't wait to read another."

"Yes, do you have another for us?" Crow asked in mock-excitement.

Tom added, "Indeed, I would enjoy perusing other snippets of fiction such as these. Through them, I have gained a greater and more intimate understanding of the syntax and usage of a myriad symbolic string of letters that when decoded by the intelligent mind form those subtly beautiful cornerstones of language, words."

Dr. Forrester's expression grew dark. He muttered something about not having any other fics then turned away, stomping into another room. TV's Frank poked his head into view and said, "He'll probably be back in a little bit." Then he signed off, and the screen went blank.

After a moment of silence, Crow and Mike turn to Tom. They raise their arms in a most threatening manner, causing Tom to squeal and run away. Mike and Crow give chase, while Tom pleas, "It was just a joke! I didn't mean anything by it!"

"We must protect the thesauruses!"

Disclaimer: No malice of any kind is intended by this MST, it's all in fun! April Rain and Gold Beauty are copyrighted by Kate Lorraine, who was gracious enough to give me permission to MST them. Mystery Science Theater 3000 copyright Best Brains. Anything I, Princess Artemis, am able to copyright in the above MST is copyright S.D.Green, 2000.

She smiled at him that day and she looked so seductive with her moist lips opened a slit over her glistening teeth. The stupid bitch, she knew she was making him as hard as a mutt in heat.  

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